I made a new blog!!! Just click on the link below to keep following me of my life and all my new memories!!!
http://joyrachel.blogspot.com/
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Ups and downs
Being in a relationship can be so hard. Taking time away for a couple of years and just focusing on myself and not worrying about anyone else was very relaxing. Like with anything else though there are pros and cons to everything. I remember having my lonely moments and having my moments of just wanting a mate since I did enjoy being a wife. I knew God was preparing me for a husband and I couldn't wait to meet him.
Since meeting Brian, I can honestly say that it hasn't been the easiest ride and we have only known each other for a few months. We have based our relationship on God and have tried to pray about any choices, the small and the big with everything that we have faced so far. We have realized that as humans and having past relationships, it has made our relationship a little rocky, but we always pray and God always comes through.
We are the same age and I can honestly say we know who we are as individuals and who we are in Christ and what we would like in this life with Gods plan. I know me personally, I have my insecurities which I have prayed about and have been working on and God has helped me out alot with it and relieving the issue. Then sometimes trust can be an issue, just because of our past relationships and I know its just a natural way of having your guard up and learning your lesson to watch to have it not repeated again.
At the end of the day, Brian and I are still learning each other and sometimes we do things that the other person hasn't seen or was capable of doing and I know it can cause some problems. In fact something like that did happen, and now we are praying about it. I wont say that I'm not a little scared, because I know God can change anyones heart and can change "your" plans at any given moment. It also doesn't help that I'm sick and hormonal at the moment with some other personal things going on right now. I cant seem to focus on anything and in fact, I had to leave work early today because I couldn't focus.
You may wonder why I'm writing this in my blog and its because this is real. Brian and I are a Christian couple who arnt perfect, we say things we don't mean, who do things out of thinking, who have doubts and want to make sure that we are doing Gods will. Its hard to sometimes put your full trust in someone when their human. I think sometimes we think there is something wrong with us, when we do step back and ask God if we are making the right choices, because I know in this life, in this world, its easy to get wrapped up in the busy life and having fun, that we get distracted and then something happens and we start doubting. I also know it could be the enemy, trying to go out to kill and destroy anything God based.
All I know, is Brian is a great guy. The past hours we had this communication problem, I once again had to look at our relationship and what I really wanted and if this would work. I cant imagine being with anyone else, anyone who is such a great guy for me. No one can calm me down the way he does. No one can make me feel protected like he does. Ive never wanted to submit to a man like I do him. I trust him when he says he knows what hes doing or he tells me something hes done. We pray together, we put God number one, we both have morals, we both want what God wants for us and we also pray for the other person when they arnt exactly on track as the other. In fact, like before I said that I wrote a list 2 years ago and hes everything off that list.....how often does that happen??? I remember reading it next a high school next to his house and I was in complete denial, because I didnt want to be in no relationship, lol. God likes to laugh up in heaven..........
I know I have seen God change hearts so fast and so much within the past month within both of us, that if for some reason we wernt meant to be, I would be confused. If you remember my prior posts, I have said that I wasn't even fully really to be a relationship and yet, God took someone out of my life and placed him in my life the same day and then a few weeks later, I had my wall up so high and Brian prayed for me and asked me to pray and the same day I prayed was when my best friend texted me and said, 'I think your going to him', and I remember my heart was starting to change, those walls were being torn down and it wasn't me doing it. It scared me, I was building them back up when God would tear more down, but God was faster at tearing down than I was at building. I ended up falling in love with this man. God kept showing me all the good things in him, like watching and listening to him teach his class in church and looking at him and falling in love with more and more, because he was that Godly man that I desired. It was him coming over and volunteering to help me around the house with things I couldn't do or didn't know how to do or even didn't have time to do. It was his sweet texts and him wanting to spend time with me. It was him wanting to pray together. It was him wrapping his arms around me and grabbing my hand and kissing it. One thing I love more than almost all those, is the simple grabbing my hand with both his hands in church when its time to pray. There are no words to describe it. Its a man, loving his woman, loving his God and bringing them as one, because that is also my God and my man. There are so many more things I can say about Brian. I know he would be provider, I know he would be a great father and a great best friend for me.
I realized though and I know its a bad habit of mine is I do look for the bad. Brian has so many good to out weigh the bad, but I know the bad is what "could" hurt me and I know that I'm still a little scared of being hurt again. Its gotten actually alot better, but its still there. For the past few weeks, I have really worked on focusing on just the good in Brian and have looked at him totally different. I have had more peace and more comfort around him and even started opening myself up to his family and his personal life. With me, its baby steps and some people don't really understand that. I'm a very open person, but at the same time my image is important. When I know that someone could possibly be my family one day, its where I don't know how to be me. I remember my prior marriage and my ex would always say to me before we would go see his family, "just be yourself", because I would shut down. I know I can be too much or look crazy to some, but yet all my friends that "know" me know that I'm just silly goofy Rachel.
All I know is that I had some time to write before I went to my other job and I needed to vent. In 10 hours, I don't know where my life will be going, but at the same time, God keeps placing in my heart that "Hes got this". All I can do is wait and pray and have faith that His will, will be done.
I know that with any relationship there will be trials. There will be problems, issues and moments where its not peachy, but I also know that my God is bigger and if He is center and its His plan, then everything will work out.
I don't think I'm going to post this anywhere, but if I do, its not going to be anywhere right away. This is really just me venting and expressing that any Christian, Godly based relationship still has its ups and downs, but I do want you to know that prayer and time with God is very important and He will give you the answers and peace with whatever choice He sees fit best for your life.
Since meeting Brian, I can honestly say that it hasn't been the easiest ride and we have only known each other for a few months. We have based our relationship on God and have tried to pray about any choices, the small and the big with everything that we have faced so far. We have realized that as humans and having past relationships, it has made our relationship a little rocky, but we always pray and God always comes through.
We are the same age and I can honestly say we know who we are as individuals and who we are in Christ and what we would like in this life with Gods plan. I know me personally, I have my insecurities which I have prayed about and have been working on and God has helped me out alot with it and relieving the issue. Then sometimes trust can be an issue, just because of our past relationships and I know its just a natural way of having your guard up and learning your lesson to watch to have it not repeated again.
At the end of the day, Brian and I are still learning each other and sometimes we do things that the other person hasn't seen or was capable of doing and I know it can cause some problems. In fact something like that did happen, and now we are praying about it. I wont say that I'm not a little scared, because I know God can change anyones heart and can change "your" plans at any given moment. It also doesn't help that I'm sick and hormonal at the moment with some other personal things going on right now. I cant seem to focus on anything and in fact, I had to leave work early today because I couldn't focus.
You may wonder why I'm writing this in my blog and its because this is real. Brian and I are a Christian couple who arnt perfect, we say things we don't mean, who do things out of thinking, who have doubts and want to make sure that we are doing Gods will. Its hard to sometimes put your full trust in someone when their human. I think sometimes we think there is something wrong with us, when we do step back and ask God if we are making the right choices, because I know in this life, in this world, its easy to get wrapped up in the busy life and having fun, that we get distracted and then something happens and we start doubting. I also know it could be the enemy, trying to go out to kill and destroy anything God based.
All I know, is Brian is a great guy. The past hours we had this communication problem, I once again had to look at our relationship and what I really wanted and if this would work. I cant imagine being with anyone else, anyone who is such a great guy for me. No one can calm me down the way he does. No one can make me feel protected like he does. Ive never wanted to submit to a man like I do him. I trust him when he says he knows what hes doing or he tells me something hes done. We pray together, we put God number one, we both have morals, we both want what God wants for us and we also pray for the other person when they arnt exactly on track as the other. In fact, like before I said that I wrote a list 2 years ago and hes everything off that list.....how often does that happen??? I remember reading it next a high school next to his house and I was in complete denial, because I didnt want to be in no relationship, lol. God likes to laugh up in heaven..........
I know I have seen God change hearts so fast and so much within the past month within both of us, that if for some reason we wernt meant to be, I would be confused. If you remember my prior posts, I have said that I wasn't even fully really to be a relationship and yet, God took someone out of my life and placed him in my life the same day and then a few weeks later, I had my wall up so high and Brian prayed for me and asked me to pray and the same day I prayed was when my best friend texted me and said, 'I think your going to him', and I remember my heart was starting to change, those walls were being torn down and it wasn't me doing it. It scared me, I was building them back up when God would tear more down, but God was faster at tearing down than I was at building. I ended up falling in love with this man. God kept showing me all the good things in him, like watching and listening to him teach his class in church and looking at him and falling in love with more and more, because he was that Godly man that I desired. It was him coming over and volunteering to help me around the house with things I couldn't do or didn't know how to do or even didn't have time to do. It was his sweet texts and him wanting to spend time with me. It was him wanting to pray together. It was him wrapping his arms around me and grabbing my hand and kissing it. One thing I love more than almost all those, is the simple grabbing my hand with both his hands in church when its time to pray. There are no words to describe it. Its a man, loving his woman, loving his God and bringing them as one, because that is also my God and my man. There are so many more things I can say about Brian. I know he would be provider, I know he would be a great father and a great best friend for me.
I realized though and I know its a bad habit of mine is I do look for the bad. Brian has so many good to out weigh the bad, but I know the bad is what "could" hurt me and I know that I'm still a little scared of being hurt again. Its gotten actually alot better, but its still there. For the past few weeks, I have really worked on focusing on just the good in Brian and have looked at him totally different. I have had more peace and more comfort around him and even started opening myself up to his family and his personal life. With me, its baby steps and some people don't really understand that. I'm a very open person, but at the same time my image is important. When I know that someone could possibly be my family one day, its where I don't know how to be me. I remember my prior marriage and my ex would always say to me before we would go see his family, "just be yourself", because I would shut down. I know I can be too much or look crazy to some, but yet all my friends that "know" me know that I'm just silly goofy Rachel.
All I know is that I had some time to write before I went to my other job and I needed to vent. In 10 hours, I don't know where my life will be going, but at the same time, God keeps placing in my heart that "Hes got this". All I can do is wait and pray and have faith that His will, will be done.
I know that with any relationship there will be trials. There will be problems, issues and moments where its not peachy, but I also know that my God is bigger and if He is center and its His plan, then everything will work out.
I don't think I'm going to post this anywhere, but if I do, its not going to be anywhere right away. This is really just me venting and expressing that any Christian, Godly based relationship still has its ups and downs, but I do want you to know that prayer and time with God is very important and He will give you the answers and peace with whatever choice He sees fit best for your life.
Friday, November 8, 2013
An small update on my life
I know its been awhile since I last blogged. I really have been working so much, that I don't have much time to do anything anymore, but its okay because I'm enjoying life and staying busy. I know that I will wear out soon, but it really makes you wonder and think about whats important since you don't have lot of time left for your personal pleasures.
My relationship with Brian is going good. I cant lie and say that I haven't had my personal insecurities in this new relationship, but we stepped back for a few days and really focused on God and had him work in us and me and when we met up, we shared alot of what we felt God revealed to us and I think it helped us grow lot.
Being in a new relationship and especially one that you
build with your foundation on God can be kinda extra hard sometimes, because the enemy doesn't like it and wants to come to kill and destroy. The great thing about Brian is, hes a very Godly man, a man who can and will step back and just focus on God and try to find an answer or resolution to something when he doesn't know and I couldn't ask for a better man.
We did get to spend some time together after we spent some days apart and got to go to the mountains and just reflect on our future and where we feel like God is leading us. I know me personally I haven't felt this strong and at peace with someone as far as I can remember. Its just one of those things, where you know its meant to be and its supposed to happen. Having peace in your life is an amazing feeling, the peace that only God can give you.
My job hours did change last week and it has been getting used too. Just like today is Friday when in my head it feels like Monday, yesterday felt like Saturday. I just know, its going to take me awhile to get used too. I am off on Wednesday and Thursday so technically it is my Monday, but its weird to think its the majority of everyones Friday. I do enjoy sleeping in and still working my other jobs, its just the time has switched. So when I get off work, I go to bed, but then when I wake up I get all the things I need done for the day before work. I wont lie.....its kinda exciting, maybe because it is different. I feel blessed also, because Brian and I pretty much have the same schedule, so I know God blessed us in that way also.
Another thing that I'm excited about is......CHRISTMAS!!! I'm already listening to Christmas music. I know I am such a Christmas dork and to me its just the best time of the year. This is the time of the year when no matter how depressed or sad or upset I may be, Christmas can still make me smile and give me that sense of comfort that I need. I think each of us have something that makes us feel that way and mine is Christmas!
I know that this blog post isn't the best and its so random and out there, but I wanted to blog and let everyone know whats been going on. My laptops letter A isn't working, so I had to pull out a keyboard and its weird to type on, so its taking me awhile to adjust to it and fix the corrections, so if something doesn't make sense, I apologize, but you all should know me by now. My mind goes faster than my mouth and hands!!!! :) Oh and another thing.....my last phone kinda hit the dirt, so I had pictures and what not on there, but now its not working so I don't have those anymore which sucks. The good thing is, I should be getting a new phone soon. Sad part is, there really isn't a phone out that tickles my fancy, but I guess I shall settle for something. I guess the Note 3 is having good reviews......not something I would choose.....the Mega one is the one I wanted, but the company I'm going to, doesn't have it.....oh well. I will live for the next 2 years with something I guess!!! I'm not a big electronic person anyways, so its a good thing.
Its time for me to start getting ready for work, so I guess I will end it here. Life is good, I am blessed and I am ready and eager to see what God has for me in my future. I know I trust Him with everything I have and I know God has great plans for me. He has never failed me and He never will and to know that........keeps me going!!!!!
Love you all,
Joy Rachel
My relationship with Brian is going good. I cant lie and say that I haven't had my personal insecurities in this new relationship, but we stepped back for a few days and really focused on God and had him work in us and me and when we met up, we shared alot of what we felt God revealed to us and I think it helped us grow lot.
Being in a new relationship and especially one that you
build with your foundation on God can be kinda extra hard sometimes, because the enemy doesn't like it and wants to come to kill and destroy. The great thing about Brian is, hes a very Godly man, a man who can and will step back and just focus on God and try to find an answer or resolution to something when he doesn't know and I couldn't ask for a better man.
We did get to spend some time together after we spent some days apart and got to go to the mountains and just reflect on our future and where we feel like God is leading us. I know me personally I haven't felt this strong and at peace with someone as far as I can remember. Its just one of those things, where you know its meant to be and its supposed to happen. Having peace in your life is an amazing feeling, the peace that only God can give you.
My job hours did change last week and it has been getting used too. Just like today is Friday when in my head it feels like Monday, yesterday felt like Saturday. I just know, its going to take me awhile to get used too. I am off on Wednesday and Thursday so technically it is my Monday, but its weird to think its the majority of everyones Friday. I do enjoy sleeping in and still working my other jobs, its just the time has switched. So when I get off work, I go to bed, but then when I wake up I get all the things I need done for the day before work. I wont lie.....its kinda exciting, maybe because it is different. I feel blessed also, because Brian and I pretty much have the same schedule, so I know God blessed us in that way also.
Another thing that I'm excited about is......CHRISTMAS!!! I'm already listening to Christmas music. I know I am such a Christmas dork and to me its just the best time of the year. This is the time of the year when no matter how depressed or sad or upset I may be, Christmas can still make me smile and give me that sense of comfort that I need. I think each of us have something that makes us feel that way and mine is Christmas!
I know that this blog post isn't the best and its so random and out there, but I wanted to blog and let everyone know whats been going on. My laptops letter A isn't working, so I had to pull out a keyboard and its weird to type on, so its taking me awhile to adjust to it and fix the corrections, so if something doesn't make sense, I apologize, but you all should know me by now. My mind goes faster than my mouth and hands!!!! :) Oh and another thing.....my last phone kinda hit the dirt, so I had pictures and what not on there, but now its not working so I don't have those anymore which sucks. The good thing is, I should be getting a new phone soon. Sad part is, there really isn't a phone out that tickles my fancy, but I guess I shall settle for something. I guess the Note 3 is having good reviews......not something I would choose.....the Mega one is the one I wanted, but the company I'm going to, doesn't have it.....oh well. I will live for the next 2 years with something I guess!!! I'm not a big electronic person anyways, so its a good thing.
Its time for me to start getting ready for work, so I guess I will end it here. Life is good, I am blessed and I am ready and eager to see what God has for me in my future. I know I trust Him with everything I have and I know God has great plans for me. He has never failed me and He never will and to know that........keeps me going!!!!!
Love you all,
Joy Rachel
Sunday, September 22, 2013
A new chapter
Wow....its been awhile since I last blogged. I have been wanting and meaning to blog for awhile now since alot has changed the past month.
My new job is going great! I'm still in training and my body has adjusted to this time frame and I love my new coworkers. I know in a few weeks its going to change and Ill be working evenings/nights, and my body will have to readjust again, but I cant complain about my life. I love all my jobs and wouldn't change one of them.
Then out of the blue, this man walks into my life. I wasn't looking for anyone and in fact I was really happy and content being by myself and was looking forward to working hard and paying some debt off. I have asked him numerous of times, "Where did you come from?" I have always prayed for God to send a man to me when I was ready and when he was ready. God has just showed me over and over, my time, is not Gods time. This scenario is a little bit different, because I was actually at a peaceful place being single and God put a man in my life when I had to search deep down and pray for a possible future relationship.
We started talking on the phone and he asked me to dinner. We met at a restaurant, had dinner and to be honest, I wasn't looking into it much. I have had a wall up for so long that I was just going to get to know someone, possibly gain a new friend. I met him, we ate dinner and then we drove around a bit. He took me places out in the country that I never even been too and Ive lived here almost my whole life. Then we went to the lake, sat down on a bench and watched the moon light on the water and talked.
I was still getting used to my work schedules and my body wasn't used to it, so the whole first week I didn't see him. He had asked me to see each other or to grab something to eat, but I said no everytime. I honestly wasn't needing to see or be around someone alot and I enjoyed my time alone. Then one night I met up with him again and we talked some more and spent time getting to know each other. Funny story is we were sitting at a peak, but technically was a park and we were in his truck and a cop came and asked for our IDs. I guess Brian didn't know that you arnt allowed to be at a park past midnight, but I did, but the area we were at didn't seem like a park, so I didn't think nothing of it. He looked at both of our IDs and asked us how old we were, because we both have the same birthday. Brian said 28 and I looked at him funny and then he was like, "Oh, 27!" I said, "We both have the same birthdays." Then he asked both of us if anyone is being held against our will. I don't know what we looked like, but I found it funny. I told Brian, I should of shook my head yes and had a fearful look on my face, but he didn't find that too funny! haha
So the next time we see each other, he took me to Graham for a double feature at the drive in movies.
We ate a bunch of movie food and enjoyed being outside, even though I
got ate up by a bunch of mosquito's. He took me after that to a place
where he hunts and it was a bit creepy, but hey....were still kids and
like to live on the wild side.
The second week into talking, he had been praying for us and asking God to open or close a door for any future relationship. I hadn't been praying because I still had my wall up and so one day he asked me to pray. I remember one morning waking up and saying a prayer. I texted him and told him I prayed and a few hours later, my best friend texts me at work and says this:
"I need to tell you something. That Brian guy, I don't know what it is, but I think hes going to be the man you marry."
I looked at it kinda funny and actually had this tear roll down my face. My friend never had met him and saw one pic of him before we even when on our first date. My other friend prior to this even told me, "Your going to marry him". Never have my friends approved of any man that I have talked too and now all of a sudden, I have my wall up and their telling me that I'm going to marry this man. Later I had also went to dinner with another friend and she told me, "I knew this one was different".
After I prayed and let part of my wall down, there was something very special about this man. He was everything I asked for and more. I went to dinner with a friend and God had placed something on my heart. God reminded me of a list that I made over 2 years ago of what I want my future husband to be like. One night I was at dinner and I pulled it out of my purse that I carried with me ever since, but never looked at or even thought about. I handed it to her and asked her to read it, knowing that I couldn't remember what I wrote. Everything she read was Brian. The only thing that was not, was he graduated a year after I did and that's because my mom put me a year ahead in school, so technically, I was supposed to be an 04' graduate.
Never in my life, when writing that list, would I ever expect it to be 99% accurate. In fact over the past couple of years, I even added a few more, like a Baptist man and family who still are married and have the same beliefs and morals. I never thought that there actually would be a man, in this time and day, who would think and believe almost the exact as me. I have an "old school" mind frame, with waiting till your married and going through the proper steps as in dating, relationship, engagement, marriage, children and everything these days are so backwards and messed up and I just thought that maybe I was wanting something that didn't exist.
Not only is
he everything that I ever wanted, but he wants to lead me in Christ.
He holds my hand and prays with me and for the first time in my life, I
want to submit to him like a woman should to a man. We have this
respect and understanding for each other and he has this way of calming
me down. He teaches a college class at his church and I want to go to
church with him and help with these young adults. There really are no
words to why I want too or why I want to submit to this man or why he is
everything that I want and need, but I have to think its a God thing.
I remember when we opened up to each other about how we felt, he told me, "Now we need to be prepared of being attacked". He was talking about the devil coming after us to ruin something that we have felt God has brought together. The enemy never wants happiness with anyone and when something seems right and even more, from God, we knew that it was about to start.
I got hit first. One day at work, I had this mini anxiety attack out of the blue with fear that we wernt meant to be and that I'm going to get hurt and I cant trust him, all these random thoughts. I had texted like 4 friends and asked for prayer, because the fear I felt, I knew wasn't from the Lord. After about 3 hours, I calmed down, but knew it had started. I would still have these thoughts that would come out of nowhere all the time. Partially I think its because of my past relationships and the unfaithfulness that I feel like will happen again and I feel that if I keep my wall up, I will be secure and protected, but since each day I'm letting my wall down, I am giving myself more to him and more of being hurt, then I get scared.
I kept
asking Brian if he was having doubt or anything and he said no and
wasn't having this spiritual battle with anything and then all of a
sudden one day we were standing in line and I all of a sudden got this
very uncomfortable feeling. I couldn't explain it, but it bothered me
for the next 4 hours of us being together, but where we were, was no
place in bringing it up. When we got to my house, I opened up to him
and he told me he got attacked by the devil, the exact same time I got
my uncomfortable feeling. I don't want to go too much into detail about
it, but the same thing I had the bad feeling with, was the same thing
he was attacked with. In the split moment of this feeling of standing in
line with this uncomfortable feeling, I'm not 100% sure if mine was the
Holy Spirit revealing something to me, or if it was actually the enemy
himself putting fear in me. Either way, we both talked it out, prayed
about it and realized for sure, that the devil is after us, trying to
destroy what we feel like is something the Lord has brought together.
I know its so soon to tell what may happen, if we in fact will get married one day or after 3 months he gets tired of me and my craziness and we depart ways, but right now, we are praying and building this relationship on God and He is our number 1 focus. We both have agreed that if God shuts this door, that it will suck, but we trust that His will, will be done in our lives and that we will fight until God says no more.
So we do share the same birthday, same year and we have big plans for our birthday this year that I'm super excited about. I have to admit that my birthday has been all about me, probably because I'm an only child, but I actually love the fact of sharing the same birthday with someone with the same year and having great birthdays together.
I do feel blessed at this part of my life and still look up to God with my head tilted, wondering why this great man walked into my life at this point, but I cant complain. I have been working on living each day and seeing where God directs me and I'm trying to not dwell on it too much or look too far ahead. I do need to try and update more on my blog, because I miss sharing my life and the amazing things God does for me!!!
GOD is great and I pray that each one reading this, will always trust and have faith in God that His will is better than our own!
My new job is going great! I'm still in training and my body has adjusted to this time frame and I love my new coworkers. I know in a few weeks its going to change and Ill be working evenings/nights, and my body will have to readjust again, but I cant complain about my life. I love all my jobs and wouldn't change one of them.
Then out of the blue, this man walks into my life. I wasn't looking for anyone and in fact I was really happy and content being by myself and was looking forward to working hard and paying some debt off. I have asked him numerous of times, "Where did you come from?" I have always prayed for God to send a man to me when I was ready and when he was ready. God has just showed me over and over, my time, is not Gods time. This scenario is a little bit different, because I was actually at a peaceful place being single and God put a man in my life when I had to search deep down and pray for a possible future relationship.
We started talking on the phone and he asked me to dinner. We met at a restaurant, had dinner and to be honest, I wasn't looking into it much. I have had a wall up for so long that I was just going to get to know someone, possibly gain a new friend. I met him, we ate dinner and then we drove around a bit. He took me places out in the country that I never even been too and Ive lived here almost my whole life. Then we went to the lake, sat down on a bench and watched the moon light on the water and talked.
I was still getting used to my work schedules and my body wasn't used to it, so the whole first week I didn't see him. He had asked me to see each other or to grab something to eat, but I said no everytime. I honestly wasn't needing to see or be around someone alot and I enjoyed my time alone. Then one night I met up with him again and we talked some more and spent time getting to know each other. Funny story is we were sitting at a peak, but technically was a park and we were in his truck and a cop came and asked for our IDs. I guess Brian didn't know that you arnt allowed to be at a park past midnight, but I did, but the area we were at didn't seem like a park, so I didn't think nothing of it. He looked at both of our IDs and asked us how old we were, because we both have the same birthday. Brian said 28 and I looked at him funny and then he was like, "Oh, 27!" I said, "We both have the same birthdays." Then he asked both of us if anyone is being held against our will. I don't know what we looked like, but I found it funny. I told Brian, I should of shook my head yes and had a fearful look on my face, but he didn't find that too funny! haha
So the next time we see each other, he took me to Graham for a double feature at the drive in movies.
We ate a bunch of movie food and enjoyed being outside, even though I
got ate up by a bunch of mosquito's. He took me after that to a place
where he hunts and it was a bit creepy, but hey....were still kids and
like to live on the wild side.The second week into talking, he had been praying for us and asking God to open or close a door for any future relationship. I hadn't been praying because I still had my wall up and so one day he asked me to pray. I remember one morning waking up and saying a prayer. I texted him and told him I prayed and a few hours later, my best friend texts me at work and says this:
"I need to tell you something. That Brian guy, I don't know what it is, but I think hes going to be the man you marry."
I looked at it kinda funny and actually had this tear roll down my face. My friend never had met him and saw one pic of him before we even when on our first date. My other friend prior to this even told me, "Your going to marry him". Never have my friends approved of any man that I have talked too and now all of a sudden, I have my wall up and their telling me that I'm going to marry this man. Later I had also went to dinner with another friend and she told me, "I knew this one was different".
After I prayed and let part of my wall down, there was something very special about this man. He was everything I asked for and more. I went to dinner with a friend and God had placed something on my heart. God reminded me of a list that I made over 2 years ago of what I want my future husband to be like. One night I was at dinner and I pulled it out of my purse that I carried with me ever since, but never looked at or even thought about. I handed it to her and asked her to read it, knowing that I couldn't remember what I wrote. Everything she read was Brian. The only thing that was not, was he graduated a year after I did and that's because my mom put me a year ahead in school, so technically, I was supposed to be an 04' graduate.
Never in my life, when writing that list, would I ever expect it to be 99% accurate. In fact over the past couple of years, I even added a few more, like a Baptist man and family who still are married and have the same beliefs and morals. I never thought that there actually would be a man, in this time and day, who would think and believe almost the exact as me. I have an "old school" mind frame, with waiting till your married and going through the proper steps as in dating, relationship, engagement, marriage, children and everything these days are so backwards and messed up and I just thought that maybe I was wanting something that didn't exist.
Not only is
he everything that I ever wanted, but he wants to lead me in Christ.
He holds my hand and prays with me and for the first time in my life, I
want to submit to him like a woman should to a man. We have this
respect and understanding for each other and he has this way of calming
me down. He teaches a college class at his church and I want to go to
church with him and help with these young adults. There really are no
words to why I want too or why I want to submit to this man or why he is
everything that I want and need, but I have to think its a God thing.I remember when we opened up to each other about how we felt, he told me, "Now we need to be prepared of being attacked". He was talking about the devil coming after us to ruin something that we have felt God has brought together. The enemy never wants happiness with anyone and when something seems right and even more, from God, we knew that it was about to start.
I got hit first. One day at work, I had this mini anxiety attack out of the blue with fear that we wernt meant to be and that I'm going to get hurt and I cant trust him, all these random thoughts. I had texted like 4 friends and asked for prayer, because the fear I felt, I knew wasn't from the Lord. After about 3 hours, I calmed down, but knew it had started. I would still have these thoughts that would come out of nowhere all the time. Partially I think its because of my past relationships and the unfaithfulness that I feel like will happen again and I feel that if I keep my wall up, I will be secure and protected, but since each day I'm letting my wall down, I am giving myself more to him and more of being hurt, then I get scared.
I know its so soon to tell what may happen, if we in fact will get married one day or after 3 months he gets tired of me and my craziness and we depart ways, but right now, we are praying and building this relationship on God and He is our number 1 focus. We both have agreed that if God shuts this door, that it will suck, but we trust that His will, will be done in our lives and that we will fight until God says no more.
So we do share the same birthday, same year and we have big plans for our birthday this year that I'm super excited about. I have to admit that my birthday has been all about me, probably because I'm an only child, but I actually love the fact of sharing the same birthday with someone with the same year and having great birthdays together.
I do feel blessed at this part of my life and still look up to God with my head tilted, wondering why this great man walked into my life at this point, but I cant complain. I have been working on living each day and seeing where God directs me and I'm trying to not dwell on it too much or look too far ahead. I do need to try and update more on my blog, because I miss sharing my life and the amazing things God does for me!!!
GOD is great and I pray that each one reading this, will always trust and have faith in God that His will is better than our own!
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| He got me flowers......just because!! |
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| dinner at Saumari! :) |
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| my fortune....couldnt ask for a better one! |
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| cooking me lunch! :) |
Monday, August 12, 2013
My new job
I haven't blogged in awhile and I had some time tonight and so I thought I should catch up with whats been going on it my life. After my fun vacation I started my new job. I am on week 3 and I'm loving it so far. I already have adapted to the people I'm working with and just now getting into what I will be working on. I don't think it will be best to reveal my job description on here or say where I work, but its a government style job, so we can keep it at that!!!
When I prayed for this job, I prayed for a job that would help me financially and a place I could grow at. I didn't really care about insurance and benefits because I didn't want to ask too much, but more to just get my foot in the door. I was and still am shocked with the job the Lord has blessed me to have. Like I said before, I said in the job interview, I told them if I get the job then it was Gods will and if not, its not for me. I got the job and still trusting Him that He has a plan for me and that there is a reason why this place was His plan. Benefits wise, its the best out there. I have insurance for myself which starts in October and if its Gods will, I will have a great retirement plan going on and also they give me life insurance.
The root of it all, the people, the job itself, is still pretty awesome!! I do sit down all day which is taking some time for my body to adjust, but I think when I start my regular schedule, I will be working out after work. The great time about that will be, the gym will be dead!
So I trust and thank God each day that I have this job and that I want His plan for my life. I trust that He has a reason and a purpose and Ive learned to just take one day at a time. Its taken me 27 years to learn that, but its worth it now. I have dreams and goals and I also allow my life to go down the direction God wants me to go down. My goal right now is to start paying off some of this debt. There are a few things I need to get caught up on first, but when the time comes soon that I can start putting money back, I will!!!
I also work my other 3 jobs and I put in a good 60 hours last week. One of my jobs is short hours cause they are training a new girl, so this next couple of weeks I should be more relaxed and working my other job.
I do feel like I'm working towards my goal now and feeling more relaxed and content with my life even more.
I really feel like God is going through the steps with me.
First it was my marriage....fighting for it.
Second it was God.....gaining my trust and faith in God and letting Him have control over my life.
Third it was me......Finding out who I was without anyone and being content with just God and me and having my time to get things prepared for my future and taking care of things.
Fourth is finances....I feel like this is the time, that I need to get my finances down, knock some debt out.
Fifth...will be a man.....I feel then I will be ready to enter into a relationship with my priorities straight and with less debt.
This is what I feel like will happen....who knows what Gods plan is....only He knows, but I'm not going to stress about it. I can just see and I can even feel Him preparing me with each chapter in my life. I knew when I didn't have a full time job that, that time was for me.
I'm taking this chapter of my life and I'm going to live it the best I can, after all, its the only thing I can do!!! :)
When I prayed for this job, I prayed for a job that would help me financially and a place I could grow at. I didn't really care about insurance and benefits because I didn't want to ask too much, but more to just get my foot in the door. I was and still am shocked with the job the Lord has blessed me to have. Like I said before, I said in the job interview, I told them if I get the job then it was Gods will and if not, its not for me. I got the job and still trusting Him that He has a plan for me and that there is a reason why this place was His plan. Benefits wise, its the best out there. I have insurance for myself which starts in October and if its Gods will, I will have a great retirement plan going on and also they give me life insurance.
The root of it all, the people, the job itself, is still pretty awesome!! I do sit down all day which is taking some time for my body to adjust, but I think when I start my regular schedule, I will be working out after work. The great time about that will be, the gym will be dead!
So I trust and thank God each day that I have this job and that I want His plan for my life. I trust that He has a reason and a purpose and Ive learned to just take one day at a time. Its taken me 27 years to learn that, but its worth it now. I have dreams and goals and I also allow my life to go down the direction God wants me to go down. My goal right now is to start paying off some of this debt. There are a few things I need to get caught up on first, but when the time comes soon that I can start putting money back, I will!!!
I also work my other 3 jobs and I put in a good 60 hours last week. One of my jobs is short hours cause they are training a new girl, so this next couple of weeks I should be more relaxed and working my other job.
I do feel like I'm working towards my goal now and feeling more relaxed and content with my life even more.
I really feel like God is going through the steps with me.
First it was my marriage....fighting for it.
Second it was God.....gaining my trust and faith in God and letting Him have control over my life.
Third it was me......Finding out who I was without anyone and being content with just God and me and having my time to get things prepared for my future and taking care of things.
Fourth is finances....I feel like this is the time, that I need to get my finances down, knock some debt out.
Fifth...will be a man.....I feel then I will be ready to enter into a relationship with my priorities straight and with less debt.
This is what I feel like will happen....who knows what Gods plan is....only He knows, but I'm not going to stress about it. I can just see and I can even feel Him preparing me with each chapter in my life. I knew when I didn't have a full time job that, that time was for me.
I'm taking this chapter of my life and I'm going to live it the best I can, after all, its the only thing I can do!!! :)
Thursday, July 25, 2013
In this moment
It seems like when things start going your way and you seem to be getting into a good place.....things start going wrong. I'm content with my life, but it seems like everyone else around me is distant and/or something is going on with them. I know it seems like in this life, there are more wrong things going on then smooth sailing, but I know that's just the facts of life.
As kids we want to be older and we cant wait for no one to tell us what to do, but man.....I'm going to sit my kids down and tell them the truths and realities of being an adult and everything that comes along with it. My mom was good at not telling me when we were in low places because she didn't want me to worry and I know I will be the same, but when they say, "I cant wait till I'm older, so no one can tell me what to do," then mommy and child will have a long talk about reality, whether or not they agree or want to listen!!
I know my life is falling into place the way God has planned and I was telling a friend tonight....no matter what in life, especially the worst time, you have to think, its for a reason, a purpose, a lesson, an understanding of what it might be.
I have to think that me losing my mom, me getting cancer, losing my 3 babies, not being able to get pregnant, and my husband walking out and never looking back, was for a reason. I would not be sitting here in this position at this time writing this, if none of those things happened. Think about that for a second.
I was with my friend last night and the person in front of us didn't move and we missed the light. She got so mad, but I am always reminded that, maybe that was Gods plan....maybe if we went thru we would of gotten in a car accident, or a ticket, or whatever......those 2 minutes was lost to where we were going to our destination and everything happened to plan. If you really get into deep thought about it, its an amazing way of looking at your life and everyone in it.
One day I was going down the street and looked up in the mirror and looked down and there was a 1-2 year old almost in the middle of the line pushing something, because he could barely walk. I swerved and missed him, honked the horn multiple times, looked around and all there was, was an older boy, maybe 7 looking at me. The child slowly turns around and looks at me. I literally could feel me running over that child and realized at that moment what impact that would of done in my life for the rest of my life. Guilty, or not.....I would be devastated. I got so mad at wherever the parents were, but was on my way to work and didn't have time to stop and see or tell them. That moment changed me a little bit.....in a way....it was like my life flashed before my eyes of what it could of been.
I'm about to go....I wanted to make this longer, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to finish!!! Until then my friends.....God Bless!!
As kids we want to be older and we cant wait for no one to tell us what to do, but man.....I'm going to sit my kids down and tell them the truths and realities of being an adult and everything that comes along with it. My mom was good at not telling me when we were in low places because she didn't want me to worry and I know I will be the same, but when they say, "I cant wait till I'm older, so no one can tell me what to do," then mommy and child will have a long talk about reality, whether or not they agree or want to listen!!
I know my life is falling into place the way God has planned and I was telling a friend tonight....no matter what in life, especially the worst time, you have to think, its for a reason, a purpose, a lesson, an understanding of what it might be.
I have to think that me losing my mom, me getting cancer, losing my 3 babies, not being able to get pregnant, and my husband walking out and never looking back, was for a reason. I would not be sitting here in this position at this time writing this, if none of those things happened. Think about that for a second.
I was with my friend last night and the person in front of us didn't move and we missed the light. She got so mad, but I am always reminded that, maybe that was Gods plan....maybe if we went thru we would of gotten in a car accident, or a ticket, or whatever......those 2 minutes was lost to where we were going to our destination and everything happened to plan. If you really get into deep thought about it, its an amazing way of looking at your life and everyone in it.
One day I was going down the street and looked up in the mirror and looked down and there was a 1-2 year old almost in the middle of the line pushing something, because he could barely walk. I swerved and missed him, honked the horn multiple times, looked around and all there was, was an older boy, maybe 7 looking at me. The child slowly turns around and looks at me. I literally could feel me running over that child and realized at that moment what impact that would of done in my life for the rest of my life. Guilty, or not.....I would be devastated. I got so mad at wherever the parents were, but was on my way to work and didn't have time to stop and see or tell them. That moment changed me a little bit.....in a way....it was like my life flashed before my eyes of what it could of been.
I'm about to go....I wanted to make this longer, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to finish!!! Until then my friends.....God Bless!!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Reminisce & look forward
Today I cleaned the spare room in my house, because I have a friend coming to stay with me a couple of nights this weekend. After cleaning it tonight and looking around, it took me back to the time when we started making the nursery. I was sitting there just looking around and having a moment of 4 or so years ago. I saw the baby book of Mark Jr. and grabbed it to look at it. to go back to that part of my life was kind of hard. I had to sit there and think about what I felt in that moment and where I was in my life. Sometimes its really hard for me to remember what I felt and who I was, so much has happened since then and Ive changed so much. In a way, I wish I could go back to just feel what I felt.I remember being so happy and content with life being pregnant. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life!!! Everything seemed to be going to plan. Little did I know, that it wasn't Gods plan. God had another road in my life for me to go down and even though I may never fully
understand, I'm okay with it. I love my son and my other babies that I never got to hold or see, but I know where they are. To look at the pictures of my son and to see his father so much in him, just blows me away. That's my child, that's Marks child, we made that and its so precious. I'm sure all parents look at their kids at points in their life and just think....wow....they are half of me.
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| Pregnant day 1 |
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| Mark Jr. |
Of course, I will always love my babies and I will always remember each part of my life. I have zero regrets in my life, for each bad turn, good turn, upside down turn and straight way has taught me many different things and has made me who I am. I cant go back and change time and I cant dwell on what ifs. I hope nothing but the best for the people who are in my past, but its time I do whats good for me and what God wants me to do. I have been trying to follow and listen to His directions as much as possible, for I know they will lead me to happiness and peace. Even in the back of my head I have questions on why God wants me to have this particular job, I'm not complaining. Each time I learn something new about it, its awesome!!! He knows what I need, what I want, what will benefit me and I couldn't ask for a better, loving God.
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| To my future!!!! |
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