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I cant even think of a title for this. My life has been turned upside down the past 2 weeks. I dont even know where to start or even how to explain. So Ill just say the basics. My husband has been cheating on me for the past 4 months. Yes...he has been cheating on me with a whore. She does not have a even close repetation to something good. I have heard she is a homewrecker and a whore and she gets with guys like this for excitement. God has put it in my heart for the time being to wait....and to forgive him and try and make this work. The man that is now, is not the man that I married. I can honestly say that. Please pray for him and whatever he is going through. We have been trying for a baby and less than a month, he gets his stuff and moves out. I might later explain everything that has happened, just for me to remember, so I can grow during this time.

But I want to put some things up that I have been reading, that explains Mark and I during this time and what I think is happeneing. Other than the devil having such a hold on Mark that he is blind by whats hes doing.

Q: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?
Dr. G: Only 10% of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that makes it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two—disillusionment. Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it’s too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much.

Q: Eventually the questioning and revealing assume a more normal level in the relationship?
Dr. G: Yes, but things will often pop up. Someone or something will prompt them to remember something that was said. What did you mean when you said that? Or, what were you doing when that happened? In the beginning, the betrayed partner wants details. Where, what, when. Did you tell them you love them? Did you give them gifts? Did they give you gifts? How often did you see them? How many times did you have sex? Where did you have sex, was it in our house? Was it in the car? How much money did you spend. Those kinds of factual questions need to be answered. Eventually the questions develop more complexity. How did it go on so long if you knew that it was wrong? After that first time, did you feel guilty? At that point they’re in the final stages of trauma recovery, which is the search for meaning.

I dont know anymore

This week has been sooo....weird, sad, depressing, confusing, upsetting, heartbreaking. I mean, Mark left yesterday to stay in a hotel. He said he needs some time apart from me, but man....its been a little over 24 hours, but it feels like a year. He still texts me and talks to me every once in awhile, but its not enough for me. I know people need their time, and he says hes still confused whether or not he wants to be with me. Its so scary, because I want to be with him more than anything. Nothing matters, if hes not here. I married him and took my vows seriously. I don't know why the devil has a hold on him and why Mark wont open his heart to the Lord. I know the Lord doesn't want us to get divorced and so I know the devil is lieing to him. I hope we can overcome this and be more stronger than ever. I want him to look at me and see me and not the person that I was before. I promise I will change to be a submissive wife to glorify the Lord. I know everything that I was doing before, was against God and so he wasn't going to bless our marriage. I want us to be strong and depend on the Lord.

On another note, I'm actually having ovulating pains for the first time in a long time. And I looked at my due date baby, and already at 36 weeks. Who would of known, when we found out that we were pregnant, that in 9 months, or less we would be here instead. But I'm okay with going through this, if only as long as we come out strong on the other side. I want him to know how much I love him and how much I'm willing to change. Not because of this, but because I WANT TOO!!! I really want to be what kind of wife God wants me to be. Now if only Mark will see that and give me another chance at proving to him that I'm no longer a b word.

Please keep us in your prayers....I'M never giving up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want these.....

When I finally get pregnant, lol.............they are just too darn cute!!!!

Pregnancy, Snow, Weak Marriage and God

A very dear and close friend to me told me yesterday she was pregnant. She told me when she didn't really tell anyone else, all because she valued our friendship. She was there when we went through all of our rough times, our losses, our happiness, her baby's birth and now through my rough time of my husband and I marriage. I am honestly, happy for her and her husband. There is no bitterness there at all, that I think alot of people would think. I wouldn't wish what Mark and I have gone through to anyone.

I remember reading baby books when we first started trying how alot of couples, who have been trying for awhile with no luck, that their marriage gets weak. I read, that alot of couples even go through separation and divorce. I remember thinking that, we wernt going to be like that. We loved each other and we were strong. But then again I never thought that we would of been trying for so long with loss after loss.

I don't know why this is what life has brought us. Why people can get pregnant so easily and it takes longer for others. But I have learned over these past few years, that I cant look at other people and be jealous. I cant!!! Their life is not my life. I want to think that Mark and I have to go through this rough patch, to be strong for our future babies. I know babies suck the romance out of most marriages, because you its not just you two anymore. There is this human being that is now more important and takes up 100% of your time. Its not a bad thing, but I know that it can and will damper your love life. I want to think too, that Mark and I were weak all along. We were spiritually weak and what we are doing right now, is learning each other all over again. I have learned so much about myself and my faults that I am so glad to be fixing, as a person and as a wife. I'm learning to depend on God with our marriage and that I cant make things change over night. I cant make anything happen. God can make our hearts change. He can make us stronger and appreciate each other.

I don't know where our baby making will go. We are no longer at the moment trying. We know this is the right thing. Its okay!! I'm okay with it. I couldn't imagine bringing a baby into our weak relationship. I think it would just spiral downwards, but then again, it could always make us stronger. I know God will give us a baby when he is well ready for us too.

You know how when you get what you want and it took a long time to get it, you look back and see why it took so long? Before I never understood...because nothing happened, but impatience for me. But now that Mark and I are going through this, I can see. I can see how weak we are. I can see how for years we have been trying for a baby. That our focus was no longer on us, no longer on the Lord, but simply just baby making, not even love making. What kind of a marriage is that. We were separating. We were mad all the time. There was no spark there anymore. As weak as we are still, Mark tells me he loves me, he tells me hes in love with me. We do our devotion, we pray, we arnt fighting, we are watching what we are saying to each other, because we are caring. We don't want to hurt the other persons feelings, when before, we didn't care. We were right, they were wrong and we were going to argue till we got our points across.

I was never happy with our marriage and how I acted. Mark said he knew it for awhile that it was getting bad, but I guess I never wanted to believe it. I just wanted a baby. My views and outlooks didn't go anywhere else. I guess I just was in tunnel vision. On top of our marriage and Mark telling me, he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore, the Dr says I need to go see a Specialist. That's what I needed. I cant do anything anymore. I have to go out of town, have money, have gas, have time, for both of us and go. Its another step, another worry, another stress, we just cant do right now. I'm hoping that our marriage will get really strong the next couple of months as we go to counseling and do our devotions. I know marriage is something you have to work at on a daily basis. Life happens, things change, you change and things get hard. Divorce is not even an option to me. That's what the devil wants. I took my vows before God. That makes me think too. God doesn't want us to marry someone who isn't of God, because of times like this. I think all the time, what if we were going through this and Mark didn't know God. I mean, I couldn't talk to him, and tell him things about God and what he designed for us, cause he wouldn't care or wouldn't understand, cause he wouldn't know Him. But Mark knows God, but like I said before, I think hes weak spiritually. I have gone through so much in my life, that I had to run on God and depend on Him, that I think made me strong. But when you have never had to do that, then its hard when you have too.

Well I think I rambled long enough....I'm at home, because it SNOWED!!! I love snow...it means alot to me. I don't know what it is. Something white, something pure. I just love it and I hope I can get alot of things done today and my husband and I do some romancing......love to all!!!

Therapy

I want to share a little about what I have learned in Therapy.

I have learned that I need to not tell people all of my business. I don't know why I do....but I do.

She told me I have this great ball of energy, that its so good for kids, but when I'm talking to people, I need to calm it down, so they wont be overwhelmed with everything.

I learned that I need to just STOP and listen. She even tested me with this. When she was asking me about my Guardian angel, she said, Now I just want you to answer the basic answer to my questions. So it seemed like she took forever, but in reality she took only like 3 minutes. I wanted to say so much at that time, that I was getting ency and I put a pillow in front of my face. Its that bad people!! I have alot to say and I cut people off all the time. But she didn't let me say everything and all that was unnecessary and you know what happened? I calmed down and it wasn't that big of a deal. So I know I can listen to Mark more and not just overwhelm him with so much, that he then just shuts up and not talks to me. I noticed when I give him the "stick", he opens up more and shares stuff with me. I'm learning....

I learned that I am sensitive to peoples emotions. I can sense when there is a problem. She said it was a blessing a curse. A blessing, because I can pick up on peoples change of moods and a curse, cause it gets to me and I worry. EXAMPLE: Let say we are in a room with people. Theres 5 of us. Someone is talking, but all of a sudden they change their tone of voice. She said, no one can normally hear it....but I can. She said, to me its / / this much of a difference, when to normal people, they would have to change their voice / / this much for them to notice. I don't know........I just feel like my life sucks sometimes, lol.

I learned that my sixth sense to my Guardian Angel is good. I can hear him and she was very curious about it. She even told me the time before to draw a picture of him. That was my homework. I loved it, though I'm not the best drawer. I know my Guardian Angel, I know his name, I know what he looks like. I asked him, what his name is. Think about it? Your whole life, you have had this angel around you, protecting you. He knows your name, but you don't know his?! I wanted to know....I asked him....he told me.....If someone wants me to explain my story with him, I can....just leave a comment, if your interested and Ill post it.

I love my therapist. She whips me in shape...she listens to me....but she knows when to cut me off. Shes not ashamed to either. Mark has been going too. He has Tuesdays, and I have my Fridays. Hes had one session so far. I know it takes most men alot more to open up to random people, but he wanted to go, so I'm happy.

I cant think of much right now, but I'm sorry I haven't been updating as I go. Its been a hard time for us. It has been a rough year to start like this, but I have faith that it will get better. I just hope, that maybe we have to go through this to get stronger as a couple, spiritually and emotionally, for whatever may come. I hope nothing bad happens, but I just want us to be a strong Christian couple for our babies!!!

God Bless!!

Ups and Downs Pt 2

Its been getting better. We went to church on Wednesday and we even went to church today. Let me tell you something about today's church service.

Last night, I woke up at 2am, because Mark made a loud noise cause he was up. I couldn't go back to sleep, so started reading the Love Dare book that I actually bought a long time ago, but never did it. I wanted to start it and see and I read the beginning. It then gave me this scripture verse.

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

As we were getting ready for church today, I read him that scripture verse. We get to church and the preacher started talking about how he has had this topic on his mind lately and he didn't know why, but he needed to say it. He then says to go to this scripture verse. WHAT???? How can that not be the Lord? His whole preacher service was about putting God first. Not putting worldly things in our spiritual path that can let us stray from him. What is making our spiritual path sick? Is it porn? video games? Internet? drinking? drugs? Is any of these things more important than reading your bible? getting closer to God? talking to him? It made me think. How much time do I spend on the Internet? How much time do I read my Bible? Do they balance out? Not even close, considering I never look at my Bible other than church time, and I'm being honest. I'm not proud to say that. But things are going to change. I want God number one in my life, in my marriage, in my future kids lives. I want all of God in me, leading me, guiding me. I want to feel close to him. I want to love him and know that he is always there. I want my husband to feel the same way. I don't want this worldly life to separate us. I don't want us to give up on a vow that we both stood before God and committed. I knew taking those vows that there was no turning back. More reasons why it was a scary day. But at the end, when I said them, I meant them and there was no turning back. Things get hard, but you work through them. I know this and now I'm teaching my husband. I think he is weaker than me, in the Spiritual Path. Ive always been strong to that. I'm going to be a submissive wife.

Please just say prayers for us as we get stronger with each other and with God!!!

Ups and Downs Part 1

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm still trying to sink in everything that my life has brought to me. With my dad reaching out to me, to Mark and I questioning our relationship, to me with 3 jobs and trying to find time for everything else.

I haven't spoken to my dad in about 2 weeks. Its okay though, because I don't get on much anymore, because I'm so busy and tired, so I'm not sure if hes even been on. I did wish him a Happy Birthday on Tuesday, as he was turning the big 5-0. I still hope to talk to him and get to know him, but I guess only time will tell.

Mark told me the other day, he is still in love with me, as he has questioned that the past few months. He knows he loves me, but of course you can love anyone really, but being IN love is another story. Monday was hard. I cried my eyes out. I cried so much that the next day when I went to work, a student came up to me and asked me if I was okay. I said, yes, why? She said, because it looks like you have been crying. Mind you, I haven't cried since the night before, so you know how bad that must of been. Tuesday, we still were having it rough, so I went out to Madel's and bought us 2 books. One is called, "I don't love you anymore" and the other is called " I don't want a divorce". That book is a 90 day guide to saving your marriage. I also went and bought Fireproof the movie. We had seen it a couple of years ago, when we were trying hard for a baby, but haven't since. I knew it would be good for us to watch it. The I don't want a divorce book, recommended us getting a couples devotional to do. So Thursday we went and got one and its called Night Light. Its a 6 month one, so we are just doing a couple a night, which is good.

Friday, was a bad day for us. I went to my usual therapy sessions, which that's another blog, and I came home refreshed. I come home to find him mad the whole day, with whatever I did, it was wrong. I was scared to say anything, because I knew he would jump down my throat. Later that night, he got all mad and started filing his taxes by himself. I asked him what he was doing, and asked him, why cant we file them together? He started accusing me, of being too slow and not getting my paperwork and business information together fast enough, which I had been working on. He got all mad and stormed out of the house. I can honestly say, I didn't do anything wrong. I tried to do everything that I have been learning in my therapy sessions. He is fighting a demon that has a hold of him. Its not me anymore, its him. He is in this rut, and he is not leaning on the Lord. I know the devil is telling him that he is not in love with me anymore. I think if you really knew us and seen us, we are in love. He is in love with me. Everyone tells us, we are meant to be and we just click. Hes been pulling away alot and fast lately and I don't know why.

But to get to the part, he calls me and tells me hes fine after he leaves. I said okay, and he tells me he just needs some time to himself. I totally can understand that and I let him have his space. I cry, talk to my grandpa, we pray and then I go and start watching the Fireproof movie. It calms me down and then Mark texts me and tells me I love you Joy Rachel. I text him back, that I love him too. He was gone for a good couple of hours, but when he returned he brought me back dinner and tells me, all he did was drive around, got gas and talked to his mom. I wasn't going to ask...I know hes not cheating on me. I know he calls his mom when we get like this, because he wants answers. I'm not sure what he tells her, but when he comes back, hes more calm, so I'm not going to complain.

We eat and then we go do our devotional. I ask him afterwards if he wants to watch the movie with me and we do. We are loving and a couple again. He gives me the love that I have been needing. In the movie, theres a part and the man tells the main actor....Your heart can be deceived. That was so Mark. He doesn't understand why things arnt like how they are. He doesn't understand why he doesn't love me like he used too. Hes confused and I know its all the devil. The Lord doesn't do that. The Lord wants us to be a strong, God driven couple, and the Devil is putting his foot in the door, when Mark needs to shut it. I know my husband is saved and I know that he loves the Lord. But I know my husband is weak. I want him to build a strong relationship in the Lord.

I know deep down, we are going to be okay. We are going through some hard times, and I know its normal. All the books are describing us and so I know that couples go through this and more harder situations. We have gone through more than most couples have together with my mom dieing, me having cancer and with us losing 3 precious babies. We can defeat this...we can get through this...why? because we have God on our side!!