Memories

Memories

You said for better or for worse
You said till death do us part
You promised forever

So what happened?

You told me that there wasnt love there anymore
You said I was abusive emotionally and physically
You said you were tired of it

How come you couldnt stand by my side?
How come you gave up on me?
How come you stopped loving me?

I was trying to better myself
but you said it was too late

I was praying for us
but you still left

I was still willing to make it work as much work that needed to be done
but you said no

You ran to someone else who could make you happy
when I was your wife praying for you

I didnt speak to you for 6 months and then wished you Happy Fathers Day
and you said thank you

I cried

We started talking and my emotions came back
and you didnt know

I seen you and sat down and talked to you and cried
and you still looked at me in disgust

You were my best friend that knew me inside out
and I knew you inside out

Now we are just friends who talk when need to be
but I would take that over nothing

You still have part of my heart
and I dont know if I want you to have it all or give it back

I want to love like I loved you

You say we both have strayed from God
but we have strayed from each other

How did our lives get like this?
We both arnt happy

We both are searching for something more
something better, when really we are under a vow

How could we let the devil win?
How did he defeat us and our marriage?

I thought we were strong
I thought we had conquered more than most and could still smile

Why do I miss you?
You hurt me

How could I still love you so much
when you left?

I know I wasnt perfect
but neither were you

You treated me like a princess
and you deserved better

But I thought you were my soul mate
my everything

You were the best husband I could ask for
but I wish you led me in Christ

I depended on you too much
when I should of leaned on God

Even if we never end up together
I want to say thank you for always being there

You were a big part of my life
that held my hand through the hard times

You gave up alot for me and sacrificed alot
and I always knew, even if I didnt seem like it

Your a good man with a big heart who made some mistakes
but I forgive you as Christ has forgiven you

You will always be my first love, my husband,
and the father to my 3 precious babies

We will always have our memories
the good and the bad!

White heart tattoo

This is what I want to get. Not on my finger, but the same size and everything on my arm/wrist. Its my signature and I will be the one drawing it to be put on me. :)

Its whatever

That's how I woke up today. My mind is like scatter brained with alot of stuff on my mind of how much my husband has changed. I just don't want to care anymore of what he does, but he surprises me all the time. I can see hes searching and looking for peace, for understanding, for an answer, for happiness, as I am too. But I think hes starting to slowly look in the wrong places again. I don't want to worry about him......its hard to let go. Maybe I should just cut my ties with him all together?! But I do still care about him, as he is the father of my 3 precious babies and we have spent the past 10 years together. He was my best friend......that's what hurts I think more than ANYTHING!

I am at a place in my life where I'm just taking it a day a time and living life to the best I can. I'm not sitting around hoping or anything.....I just know what God has put in my heart, and its hard to get around that. I hate the feeling of the devil winning this battle. I want happiness for all of us, together or not.

I think more than anything.....I want my security, my happiness, my dreams back. I want to wake up and have hope about my future. I want a family......I want peace!

New Job?

I need a new job. I still work at my retail place that I started back in December that I originally got to just put money back for a new vehicle, but then Mark left and so I was living on that basically this summer. It didn't get me far because I was only working like one maybe two days a weekend, so it didn't last. They have given me more hours and its helped alot, but I really need a full time job. I want to still work there on the weekends, because I really do enjoy it and its good discount on clothes.

I want a good job with weekends free and holidays. (don't we all, lol) I need to pray about where God wants me to go and what doors he will open up for me. I was working at the school, but got laid off for some of my actions since Mark has left and you know what? I'm at peace with it. Everyone has told me, its time I move on and try something new. Its basically the only job Ive had since I graduated high school, which I graduated from there. So I haven't really had to face the real world. Since I don't have Marks income anymore, I really need to find me a better paying job anyways. I'm really kinda excited this new adventure that I'm on. I wonder what kind of a job I will get. I know looking for a job and going to interviews is a pain in the boohiney, but all I know is, I need to get me an updated resume. I know learning a new job has alot of challenges and I know I can get insecure and not have any confidence sometimes when learning new stuff, but I know its what I need to do. I'm used to knowing everything about a job and even telling my boss how to do it. But its time to learn new and meet new people :)

Please pray that God will give me the job that he wants to be at. I need to start looking and hopefully it wont be long till I get a good job :)

A new journey

Its been about 7 months since Mark has left.....3 months since I last blogged. My life has been.....a one day at a time life. I'm still figuring out who I am and where I'm going. I realized the past few days that in 8 months my whole bubble that I used to live in has totally busted and I am standing here waiting to spread my wings and grow into something more beautiful. I had a comfort zone.....with Mark, with my job and now I don't have either. Its time for new beginnings, new challenges....new dreams.....

I still want to be friends with Mark. He was my best friend and was a big part of my life for a long time. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I have made mistakes and sinned against God just like everyone else in this world. I cant hold bitter or be mad at someone for a long time. I forgave him and I hope he lives a happy life.

There is a guy in my life who is going through the same thing I am. We were friends, actually all of us were friends before Mark left and then his wife left him and we kinda just were there for each other. We have grown more feelings for each other and can understand and help how each other feels. I don't know where this is going to go, but its a one day at a time thing. I am enjoying my life to the best I can and making memories. I am learning and growing and figuring myself out more and more. I am still working on myself and still face challenges everyday.

I hope to blog more to show others my journey, my trials, my mistakes, my memories, my heartache, my happiness and my love. I hope for prayer as I start this new journey in my life, that I can follow Gods path.

I have to admit, I have strayed from God. I have been trying to plan my own life when everyday I hear God say.....no....follow me. I'm hoping to get back on track and stay faithful and positive!!!

Much love to all!!!!

"Strong Enough" by Matthew West Lyrics

Strong Enough

You must

You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough

Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Im bleeding again

My emotions are on a roller coaster. I know this....I knew it would be good and then bad and then numb....I knew this. I broke down today...Last night, I was talking to a couple of guys who are going through the same thing. I want to sit here and tell you everything that happened, but I cant. I cant let it get to certain people, but while they were trying to make me feel better, I was crying inside. They were trying to help me and give me the words to tell me about this whore and how she is and yet, I was loving Mark more as they put him down. Shouldn't I of gotten mad??? Shouldn't I of agreed? Why was I falling more and more in love with him? I think its because they never knew the Mark that I knew. They didn't know the way he used to look at me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay.

I just want to be happy. I have plenty of guys interested and I have plenty of guys tell me I'm beautiful and "Amazing"....But why do I wish Mark could be the one to tell me that and mean it? Why isn't he getting my divorce yet? Why should I wait on him? I feel like he has power over me and by him making me feel that way, I'm lashing out. I'm doing things that I never thought I would do and say. I'm not proud of myself. I'm finding who I am, the wrong way. This person that I'm acting like, is NOT the person that I am.

Mothers Day is coming up. More depressing....not only was it depressing before sharing it with my husband with no babies, but now I have no husband or babies. I'm going to spend it alone. I'm sure he wont even think of me and our babies that day. I don't know who he is. How can he walk away from our babies? How can he crush our future and dreams that we once had together? I don't want to care anymore. My mind races sooooo much that I'm exhausted at the end of the day.

I'm sorry this has been a depressing blog post. But this is how I'm feeling at the moment. I feel so alone. I sit here in my room, wanting to crawl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I hate that one person can do this to me. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to have feelings for him. I want someone who loves me for me. I want someone who's family loves me. I want a Godly man that I will trust with all my might and soul. I want a man that makes me smile, just from looking at me with the love in his eyes. I want a man who can take care of me emotional, physically, financially and lovingly. I longed to feel those feelings. I want him to be a kisser, a good cuddler, someone who can wrap their arms around me and me feel so safe, love and secure. Someone who will love to have a growing family with me.

I know Mark and I wont be back together. I can feel it in my soul. I just wish this hope would go away....I don't want it anymore. I want the man that God wants me to be with. I want to go down his path and serve him, cause I know I will be truly happy.

I'm tired.....I'm tired of caring and hoping!!!! I want this storm to be over with!