A new Me but yet..... still changing

I need to write down what I'm learning and how I'm transforming into this Godly woman. I want to be able to look back and see how I had to go thru each step of this hard time to make me the woman I want to be.

I realized my bubble has officially busted. I will no longer be or live in a bubble. My world has shattered and yet.....I'm still alive!!! I catch myself smiling and sometimes I catch myself frowning, sad. I catch myself thinking of my husband and wondering if he is thinking of me. I miss him. I stood before God and everyone and took a vow, for better or for worse, till death do us part and though I don't talk or see him, I'm still fighting. I'm fighting for us, for the commitment that we took before God. The bible says that I have a right to divorce my husband, that I can walk away from what hes done and none of that burden will be on me. But God has put it in my heart to pray for him and that maybe Mark will one day open his heart to Christ and see what hes doing is wrong and to fight for me, for our marriage. One day, God will close that door and it will be time to move on. I know if Mark and I never get back together, God has this amazing Christian man waiting for me.

I want to share with you things that I have learned about myself the past few months. I am not, and will not be the person I was before. I look back now and I can honestly see why Mark would of left me. I don't know why, sitting here today, I was that person. I had everything that I needed, I had an amazing husband, and a loving grandpa. But yet, I still wanted and needed more. I was never satisfied, I was never just.....happy. Why was I this selfish, self centered person?

My life has crumbled into pieces and now I don't know how to put the pieces back together, or do I??? Christ!!!!!! Christ is slowly building me a new life. Those pieces are being blown away in the wind slowly, while this new life is forming. I'm standing in the middle, as one life is fading and another is forming. I don't know what the new one will hold, but I'm eager to jump in and see. But I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let go of once was. I'm not ready to let go of the safeness that was once my bubble. I'm not ready to let go, of the hopes and dreams and stability that I had. I'm not ready to let go of being with only one man. I'm not ready!!!! God knows I'm not ready. He is carrying me, holding my hand, walking with me, through of all this.

I'm not happy, I'm actually ashamed of some of the choices that I have made during all this. Choices that I thought I could never do or wasn't me. But today at church, I wrote down my burden, and I laid at the foot of the cross at the front of my church. Jesus has paid the price for my sin, all my sins, and I cant dwell on what I have done, but learn and move on and not do it again.

Things I have learned about me so far as of today:

Old me:
Selfish
self centered
needy
never satisfied
controlling
abusive
wanting
nit pick
leaned on Mark
greedy


New Me:
not controlling at all (actually therapist said I went from being very controlling to not caring at all, we are working with me getting in the middle)
wouldn't hurt a fly
sad
confused
broken
rejected
ugly
not worthy
ashamed
stronger
curious
loving to others


Obviously some of the things above arnt all positive. But I'm not going to sit here and lie about how I feel now. I do feel these things. Its sad, that the one person that I want to want me, doesn't. But I can see why he wouldn't. I was a horrible person. I did things that no one deserved. I can honestly sit here and say, I DONT KNOW WHY I DID THOSE THINGS. But I can honestly sit here and say, I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON AGAIN!. I want to be the woman God wants me to be. I want to the best, so I can show others Christ.

I don't know if Mark and I will ever be together again. He might not ever want to be with me. I know that if we did, it would take alot of work. I'm willing to try and make it work. I am, because I love him. I love him that much. But marriage does take 2 people and I cant do it on my own. But like I said....one day, God will close the door in my heart and it will be time to move on. There will be my life, with its pieces all together and it will be time for me to jump in and enjoy it, with Christ as the center!!!! :)

One more thing I want to add is....A few weeks after Mark left....I was sitting at home and God spoke to me....He told me, Rachel, YOU DONT NEED MARK, YOU NEED ME!!!! I then realized how all that time, from 16 and up, how I depended on Mark so much. He was my life, when really God should of been my life. I was so scared to lose Mark in each and every way, that Im sure that alone was hard on Mark. But this weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I only need God and I cant control anyone but myself. I never want to depend and lean so much on one person ever again. God will ALWAYS be there, man wont. Even though I never thought in a million years Mark would or could do this to me.....he did!!! I cant control that, I cant control him not wanting me, I cant control him leaving and not looking back. I have no control, but Joy Rachel. I am going to try and live the life Christ wants me to live. I want God to be able to pour his blessings on me and be proud. :)

wooowww

When the husband is displeased with his wife
When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. -- Deuteronomy 24:1-2

FIRSTLY....consider it done that I will be remembering you in prayer at this time.

SECONDLY.
I have been in exactly the same position as you many years ago. Th one thing I learned from that time, which has always served me well throughout my life is this, LET GOD BE THEIR JUDGE DEAR ONE!!!!
Do not harden your heart and become bitter, but come before God in prayer and ask HIM to remove ALL HURT, PAIN, BITTERNESS, RESENTMENT and UNFORGIVENESS from your heart.
If you do not do this, I can promise you that you will be giving a foothold and a stronghold to the devil.
You may say...."It's easy for you to say that....you are not in my shoes".......As I said earlier, I was in exactly the same position and LEARNED that to hand the whole issue over into Gods hands, was far better than it could ever be in my hands.
Remember the story of Jesus when the woman was brought to HIM when she had been caught in the act of ADULTERY????
What did Jesus do as the mob were about to stone her???
He said:
John 8:7
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

Jesus would say the same to you tonight dear one. Don't be the one to throw any stones, do not fall into the hands of the devil by giving him the pleasure of watching you "lose it".
We can call what you are going through right now...an AFFLICTION, brought upon your marriage by the powers of darkness, seeking not only to destroy you but all of your family.
Be assured that God will deal with this in HIS way if you leave it completely in HIS hands.
Your husband may well think he is having fun right now, but you read this verse:
Hebrews 11:25
Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season;

I counsel you to "SUFFER THIS AFFLICTION WITH THE PEOPLE OF GOD", while many of us uphold you in prayer to our heavenly Father.
Your husband however is "ENJOYING THE PLEASURES OF SIN FOR A SEASON", and he most certainly will reap what he has sown if he does not repent of his vile sin.

You have no need to worry one little jot about your husband being blessed, because God does not BLESS SIN and the sin of adultery is no different to any other sin. It is abhorrent and detestable to God.
GOD WILL DEAL WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!

Exodus 20:14
Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Leviticus 20:10
And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. <

Proverbs 6:32
But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.

Mark 10:11
And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.

AND GOD SAYS:
Revelation 2:22
Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds.

In closing, please please please, do not go down a road which will cause you any further pain or anguish....LEAVE IT WITH GOD...HE HEARS YOUR CRIES AND SEES YOUR TEARS, AND HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH THIS...I PROMISE YOU HE WILL....I HAVE BEEN THERE, I KNOW!!!!

The Bible about divorce

What the Bible says about divorce.
Regardless of what you or I may think about divorce or whether its socially acceptable or not, you must understand what God thinks about divorce:

"... I hate divorce, says the LORD, the God of Israel ..." [Malachi 2:16]

Pretty simple, huh? That shouldn't be too difficult to interpret.

But man still often has problems with it. Throughout time, man has attempted to make God's law say what he wants at the time.

Jesus addressed this specific issue of man's interpretation of the laws concerning divorce in Luke 16:16ff

The Law and the Prophets were proclaimed until John. Since that time, the good news of the kingdom of God is being preached, and everyone is forcing his way into it. It is easier for heaven and earth to disappear than for the least stroke of a pen to drop out of the Law.

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. [Luke 16:16-18]

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked," Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" "Haven't you read," he replied," that at the beginning the Creator' made them male and female,' and said,' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one' flesh' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.""Why then," they asked," did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied,"Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."The disciples said to him," If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." - Matthew 19:3-12

Jesus answered the Pharasees by correcting them and stating that the original intent was not to have divorce, but, because of the sinfulness of man, divorce was a concession. He reminds them of Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 2:24.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." - Genesis 1:27,28

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. - Genesis 2:24

Jesus focuses on God's intent for marriage rather than on divorce. God intended for the husband and wife to be spiritually one. This Divine intent is what makes a marriage permanent because the two become a single unity. He pointed out that Scripture intended marriage to be permanent and gave four reasons for the importance of marriage:

1. God created man and woman.
2. Man should leave his father and mother, and be forever united to his wife.
3. The two shall become one - no longer two, but one.
4. No man may divorce what God has joined together.

Marriage is a covenant.
Not only a covenant between the man and woman but a covenant with God. Maybe you got married too young and maybe God had nothing to do with the selection of the person. Once you made that commitment, that covenant, God recognizes it as a covenant no matter who you married (1 Cor. 7:10-17).

In today's society, a fad that's in the church as much as it is in the world is to not take the marriage covenant as seriously as we once did.

Today, if a Christian wants a divorce, they twist the scriptures to fit their desire or they hear a prophecy, or a voice that says, "God doesn't want you to suffer anymore." They try to justify their decision to others because they KNOW they're guilty. These fine Christian people, ministers, pastors, prophets, and evangelists come up with all sorts of wild ideas why it's okay to divorce. But, there truly are few good reasons to divorce.

Is it okay to divorce my spouse since God didn't put us together in the first place?
Your answer is in 1 Cor. 7:13:

"And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him."

It may not be God's perfect will, being married to an unbeliever, but God still recognizes the covenant.

Is it okay to divorce my spouse if they are abusive?
This reason has become increasingly popular today. Surely it can't be God's will for me to stay with a person who beats me up two or three times a week. God doesn't want his temple being beat up, but it's not grounds for divorce. It is grounds for separation. You'd be a fool to stay in that situation. But, you separate yourself and give yourself to fasting and prayer, asking God to intervene in the situation bringing reconcilliation to your marriage.

Is it okay to divorce my spouse if they commit adultery?
In my opionion, this is the only reason given in Scripture as grounds for divorce. The exception of "marital unfaithfulness" [Gk porneia] is not in the parallel passages Mark 10:11-12 or Luke 16:18. Perhaps Matthew included it because he was writing to the Jews where there was a dispute between the schools of Shammai and Hillel over the interpretation of "something indecent" (Deut. 24:1). The Shammai school held that "something indecent" meant "marital unfaithfulness." The Hillel school held that it included anything that becomes displeasing to the man. Apparently there were those who believed in granting a divorce in the case where a husband discovered premarital unchastity after the marriage had taken place, and this would appear to be what Jesus was addressing in the Matthew passage. The passage in Matthew seems to help clear up this dispute, seemingly siding with the Shammai interpretation, thus making "marital unfaithfulness" as the only allowable cause for divorce. In the case of premarital unchastity, the couple should remain together.

If your spouse leaves you and commits the act of adultery against you, then you're free to divorce them (Matt. 5:32; 19:9). In Old Testament law, the offending parties in adultery would both be put to death (Lev. 20:10; Dt. 22:22), thus leaving the innocent party free to remarry (Rom. 7:2; 1Cor. 7:39). Under the New Covenant, the sin of adultery is not diminished, but the penalties or results are redefined in light of grace and the innocent party has a proper right to end the marrage by divorce and is free to remarry another believer.

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness [sexual immorality], causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. - Matthew 5:32

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness [sexual immorality], and marries another woman commits adultery." - Matthew 19:9

This doesn't mean that you immediately get out of the marriage. Just upon the act of adultery, you shouldn't rush to the divorce court. Your first act should be, "... if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently (Gal. 6:1). In 1 Cor. 7:10-11, Paul writes, "A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband."

If they refuse to restore and continue in the act of adultery, then you have every right to divorce.

Is it okay to divorce my unbelieving spouse if they desert me and want a divorce?
This does seem to be a second possible allowable case for divorce. You need to be careful here though. 1 Cor. 7:15 says,

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."

I say to be careful here because alot of people get this verse wrong.

Let's assume for the sake of this discussion the guy is the believer and the girl is the unbeliever. Let's say the guy is a real creep. He is such a creep this woman finally gives up and says, "I am not living with you anymore." To justify himself, he goes to 1 Cor. 7:15 where it says, "let him do so." But friends, that's not the spirit of this verse.

Let's say, for example, both people in this marriage were unbelievers when you got married. Later, the guy becomes a believer in Christ, and now is living for God. If this woman says, "You choose God or me," you're going to choose God, right? Well if the unbeliever wishes to depart, they cannot live with you because of your Christian walk, there's nothing you can do. You would not be under bondage. You would not be condemned to a sin by God.

If the unbeliever wants to depart from you because you are rotten, you are no good, you don't work, you don't provide and you just mistreat her all day, you are not released. You can't just say, "Well I just release her." You better be praying that she comes back, or he comes back, because it's your sinfulness that drove that person away.

This verse is talking about a believer because of faith in Christ and devotion to God, they find themselves in this situation. It's not an excuse for selfishness. If she wants to depart from you because you became a Christian, you've got to choose between her and Jesus. You choose Jesus, you lose her, and you're not under bondage in those cases.

Keep in mind, too, that this verse doesn't apply to when a believer is the one divorcing their mate. In this case, prayer and fasting should be the response, praying that God would restore the marriage. If, however, the mate departs and then remarries, then you're free. In their act of marrying someone else they have committed adultery against you.

If you're a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and find yourself in a divorce situation with a believing spouse, don't lie to yourself and say, "Well they're really an unbeliever" or "I can't put up with this abuse". What you need to do is to fast, pray, and to possibly separate because you're going to make a horrible decision in the middle of that mess. What you need is to get focused on God and get his directions, rather than to stay and fight and argue.

The purpose of the separation is for reconciliation. The purpose of fasting and prayer is to find out what your part of the problem is, to say, "God, how can I change?", even if they're the one that's doing wrong. If you're responding wrongly to their wrong, now you're wrong too.

What the Bible says about remarriage.

He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." - Mark 10:11-12

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. - Matthew 5:32

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." - Matthew 19:9

What are biblical grounds for remarriage?
The Bible does give you permission to remarry in a few situations. If your spouse committed adultery against you, you can divorce and remarry (see discussion above). If your unbelieving spouse deserted you, even if they don't remarry, you can remarry (1Cor. 7:12-16). Or if you're a widow or a widower the Bible says you can remarry. If you remarry in another situation, regardless of the cultural acceptance of it, you commit adultery.

What's the remedy for the sin of adultery?
It's the same as for any other sin. Adultery is not the unforgivable sin. If you've made a mistake, don't defend your action, ask for God's forgiveness! Ask God to forgive and cleanse you. He'll forgive the sin of adultery just like He'll forgive any other sin, whether it be lying, murder, or any other sin that we could ever commit. You might think that God can't forgive you because you can't make it right. Well, if you murdered someone and they're dead in the grave, how do you make that right? God will forgive you if you ask Him.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. - 1 John 1:8-10

A letter I wrote to a website for prayer

My husband I have been together since we were 15. We met each other online and then when my mom died when I was 16, he came up and was with me during the hard time. Then when we graduated high school at 18, he came up here to be with me. (he lived 6 hours away) At 19, I found out I had cancer. My husband was there with me every night and helped take care of me. At 21 we got married. It was a happy time, but I take care of my grandpa, and he was in the hospital the whole time. I was hard during that time, with trying to plan a wedding by ourselves and at the same time, my grandpa was on his death bed. My grandpa turned for the better and is alive today. A year after our wedding, we found out we were pregnant. We miscarried our twins at 6 weeks and at 13 weeks. It was a hard time, and then for the next 2 years we were trying. I knew it was taking a toll on our marriage, but we still had the desire for a family. Then this past summer, I got pregnant. My husband didnt let me do anything, he was so scared of miscarrying our baby. It turns out though that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I had to take chemo shots to dissolve our baby(There was no baby growing with a heartbeat.)
So we started trying and even in December we prayed to see if we should do fertility pills again. He told me, he thinks we should, so we started trying for a baby. In December, 2 days before Christmas, my husband told me he didnt know if he loved me anymore. I got so scared that I told him, maybe we should try counseling. He agreed. We started going, and the counselor told me that she wants to speak to me with one-on-one sessions. I agreed and I started to work on myself. I was a very controlling wife and I even hit my husband every once in awhile, which he never deserved. My husband told me, he can see a change in me, but he thinks its too late. My husband left the house one day and said he needs time to think. The whole time, for the past few months, he had been cheating on me. He was already checked out of our marriage, when I was fighting and changing everything that I could do, to help better it. I dont understand, with everything we have gone through, why he would leave me for a whore. She knew he was married and was encouraging him to leave me. We lived a Godly life and even waited till we were married (6 years) to make love. How can he just jump in the bed with another woman so fast? How can he agree on trying for a baby when he was sleeping with her? How can he just fall out of love with me? I dont understand. Im hurting. Im longing for the man that I fell in love with and Im scared he will never be that man again. I want to fight for our marriage and that God can touch him and show him what hes doing is wrong. But at the same time, I want to quit and move on. My emotions are flowing through me strong, and Its so hard. I would love to have someone to talk too during this time and if anyone can help maybe answer some of my questions I would appreciate it!!

im mad

I know I have a right to be mad. But I'm just so mad. I'm mad because I don't know why he did this to me in the first place? I mad cause he left me for a whore. I'm mad because he crashed all my dreams and future. (I know that I have a future, but now I don't know who its with.) I'm mad that he left me for someone who doesn't know and love him as much as I do. I'm mad that he wont go and get me a divorce so I can move on. I wanted to work it out. I want to be here, waiting till he wakes up from this funk hes in, but each day that goes by, I don't care!!!! He doesn't care about me. He doesn't love me. I sit here and wonder if he ever did love me. You cant do this to someone whom you spent 10 years with and took vows before the Lord. Fine.....GO!!!! I do deserve better. I want a Christian man, who takes his vows before the Lord seriously. I want this to be over with and down the road, so I can be happy again. I want to move on and forget this, even though I know I cant or wont ever. He was my first love, my everything. I meant nothing to him. We took our life slow and grew as a couple, when he just jumped in bed with some girl, a skanky girl and I'm sure shes pregnant. His family, wont talk to me. They have just shut me out, when I didn't do anything wrong. I don't understand that, and that hurts. Why do I feel like the bad guy? What did I do wrong? I wasn't the best wife, I admit. But I did start working on myself and I know one day, I will make a good wife to someone else.

Deeeeep down, I want Mark back. Of course, why not? I took my vows before God, for better or for worse, till death do us part. But theres a part of me, way down inside, that feels like, the Mark that I married, will never come back. Its sad. Its sick. It makes my stomach hurt. Just sitting here thinking about going on a first date with someone, makes my stomach hurt. I want to throw up. I shouldn't be in this boat right now. I shouldn't have to be thinking about these things. We should be thinking about working on our marriage. People make mistakes, but Mark doesn't even want me back. Why am I in this time warp? Why am I going through this? Where is my husband? We had hopes and dreams and he threw them all away for someone else. 10 years, I have devoted my life for him. Why would he do this to me? How dare he be so selfish and go and commit adultery. If our marriage was that bad, then he should of spoke up sooner, not go about it that way. I hurt inside. My pain overflows through each of my limbs inside. My heart wants to burst of anguish and pain. I want to hate him. I want to slap him. I want to hug him. I want to tell him I love him. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to say hes sorry. I want him to get right with the Lord. I want him to open up his eyes and see what he is doing is wrong. I want my old husband back. I want the man that loved me for me. I want alot of things, and this is the time I have to put it all in Gods hands. Its so hard. I don't know how to go on. I literally have to take a day at a time. I want to run away and find my man of my dreams, but I know I'm not ready. I want to go find Mark and grab his hand and tell him to come home, but I know its not going to happen.

Mark looked in my eyes and I told him to tell me, he doesn't love me anymore. He looked in my eyes and smiled, and I don't care what anyone says, I saw it. I saw the Mark that I always known for a split second. He told me, I just want to see what I want to see, but no.....I can promise on my life, I saw it, only for a second, but I saw it.

Mark is fighting this battle with the devil. I believe my husband is saved. He is fighting this spiritual warfare with the devil and hes letting the devil win. It makes me sick to my stomach about that too. I have always thought Mark as a weak Christian. But he was still devoted to God. He let the devil come in and sweep him off of his feet.

If anyone really knew Mark, Mark wouldn't of done this. Everyone that I talk too, is still in shock over this. People have told me, that we were really in love and it was genuine. So why Mark? Why and how could you of done this, to us and our babies?

We have 3 beautiful babies in heaven. This is the post that I always posted in, hence in called Future Pena family. I guess, if we do go through a divorce, I will make another one. I just don't understand. I'm hurting so bad and he doesn't care. How can you not care for someone?

I miss my old husband. I miss our memories. I miss our love. I miss our good times, bad times, and our goofy times. I miss hugging him and me fitting so perfectly on his heart. We always said we matched perfectly because of that. I miss me jumping on him, playing with him. I miss his sloppy kisses. I miss our little lips kisses. I miss holding his hands. I miss him rubbing me. I miss him playing video games. I miss his love. I miss us driving around at night talking about life. I miss us hanging out with our friends. I miss us praying together. I miss me waving goodbye everyday wishing him off to work. I miss us going out together. I miss us eating together. I miss his (my) family. I miss his chubby little face. I miss his hugs. I miss his dreams. I miss his encouragement. I miss his Godliness. I miss his clothes being all over the floor. I miss his cologne bottles. I miss his smile. I miss his eyes. I miss rubbing him, when hes sitting at the computer table. I miss everything he has done for me. I miss my old husband.

??????????

I cant even think of a title for this. My life has been turned upside down the past 2 weeks. I dont even know where to start or even how to explain. So Ill just say the basics. My husband has been cheating on me for the past 4 months. Yes...he has been cheating on me with a whore. She does not have a even close repetation to something good. I have heard she is a homewrecker and a whore and she gets with guys like this for excitement. God has put it in my heart for the time being to wait....and to forgive him and try and make this work. The man that is now, is not the man that I married. I can honestly say that. Please pray for him and whatever he is going through. We have been trying for a baby and less than a month, he gets his stuff and moves out. I might later explain everything that has happened, just for me to remember, so I can grow during this time.

But I want to put some things up that I have been reading, that explains Mark and I during this time and what I think is happeneing. Other than the devil having such a hold on Mark that he is blind by whats hes doing.

Q: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?
Dr. G: Only 10% of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that makes it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two—disillusionment. Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it’s too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much.

Q: Eventually the questioning and revealing assume a more normal level in the relationship?
Dr. G: Yes, but things will often pop up. Someone or something will prompt them to remember something that was said. What did you mean when you said that? Or, what were you doing when that happened? In the beginning, the betrayed partner wants details. Where, what, when. Did you tell them you love them? Did you give them gifts? Did they give you gifts? How often did you see them? How many times did you have sex? Where did you have sex, was it in our house? Was it in the car? How much money did you spend. Those kinds of factual questions need to be answered. Eventually the questions develop more complexity. How did it go on so long if you knew that it was wrong? After that first time, did you feel guilty? At that point they’re in the final stages of trauma recovery, which is the search for meaning.

I dont know anymore

This week has been sooo....weird, sad, depressing, confusing, upsetting, heartbreaking. I mean, Mark left yesterday to stay in a hotel. He said he needs some time apart from me, but man....its been a little over 24 hours, but it feels like a year. He still texts me and talks to me every once in awhile, but its not enough for me. I know people need their time, and he says hes still confused whether or not he wants to be with me. Its so scary, because I want to be with him more than anything. Nothing matters, if hes not here. I married him and took my vows seriously. I don't know why the devil has a hold on him and why Mark wont open his heart to the Lord. I know the Lord doesn't want us to get divorced and so I know the devil is lieing to him. I hope we can overcome this and be more stronger than ever. I want him to look at me and see me and not the person that I was before. I promise I will change to be a submissive wife to glorify the Lord. I know everything that I was doing before, was against God and so he wasn't going to bless our marriage. I want us to be strong and depend on the Lord.

On another note, I'm actually having ovulating pains for the first time in a long time. And I looked at my due date baby, and already at 36 weeks. Who would of known, when we found out that we were pregnant, that in 9 months, or less we would be here instead. But I'm okay with going through this, if only as long as we come out strong on the other side. I want him to know how much I love him and how much I'm willing to change. Not because of this, but because I WANT TOO!!! I really want to be what kind of wife God wants me to be. Now if only Mark will see that and give me another chance at proving to him that I'm no longer a b word.

Please keep us in your prayers....I'M never giving up!!!!!!!!!!!!!