This past month

This past month has been crazy for my cycle. I had started my last cycle fine....30 minutes earlier than what I was supposed to, but I considered that fine, considering my ovaries don't really know what time it is.

I tried and calculated my ovulation this month, but this month has been really, really busy. I got more business, which was great, and then we had car problems. Even work at my "normal" job has been busy. Its okay....but then we didn't get to bd like we should have.

I just don't know....things have been happening that makes baby making not as important at the moment. We of course, still want a baby and hope and pray that one day we will get to experience that wonderful, magical moment of having your own baby. But we arnt stressing over it. We are enjoying spending time together and getting close and rekindling our marriage. We talk about what it will be like to have a baby. But we know we wont have those moments..... The moments we just get up at 10 at night and go get something to drink and ride around. The times we go out to dinner and talk about our work and friends. Cleaning house and having everything organized. We know the difference it will be....but a better, wonderful one.

We have been hanging out with Marks friends and their kids and I just look and see how much work it is. How much of your time you actually give up, to give all to your kids. Don't get me wrong....I would do that in a heartbeat, but it reminds me, of just exactly how ready I am.

I'm ready to lose sleep, so I can watch my sweet baby sleep and to feed them. I'm ready to have a messy house, knowing its all my babies stuff and everything they will need. I'm ready to look like a mom and have no energy to put on makeup, cause I no longer come first. I'm ready to watch my husband hold and feed and kiss our baby, knowing God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and now daddy. I'm ready for all the goods and bads that will come my child's way, but knowing that God is in control and that He will bless us.

I don't know when we will become parents. But I'm having fun playing with these other babies.

We went to Marks co-workers house and they have a 3 and 15 month old babies. The 15 month old is very stranger shy, but I still talked to her and waved and smiled, and she just looked at me funny. We were there for about 3 hours and I was sitting in the floor and she finally came over there and sat in my lap. She didn't want to have anything to do with me before, and Mark was even like...."Oh we know who her favorite is". Because, between everyone else that was there, she warmed up to me. I was honored....I really was....I loved her...she was so cute and so curious and was learning still. She trusted me!!! When we left....I have to say....I honestly missed her. I wanted to go back and grab her and take her home with me.

There is something about a baby. The innocence and love they have when you look into their eyes. They love you....they trust you....and there is no questions asked. The looks on their face, because they don't understand and their curious. I want to be able to see that in my child's face. I know it will be so much different, when its MY baby. Its going to be that much more special.

But back to my cycle....I ovulated late. I was like 3 days late and honestly thought I wasn't going too. Then my period was 1-2 days late. I just started today and so I need to change my ticker. I didn't want to get my hopes up about being pregnant, because I know we didn't really try and I knew I was late on Oing, so I knew I could be late with af. I was a little sad, but I kinda expected it. Oh well....This wasn't Gods timing....maybe next month!!!

Shots in the boohiney

I woke up feeling a little better today. Decided I wasnt going to go to the Dr. I started to get ready for work and my dizzyness, hard to focus eyes came back. I knew today was going to be a long day, so I called up my boss and told her, Im going to go to the Dr. Mark got off from work and he actually was going to have the day off, because he has all these extra days, so that was perfect.

We went to the Dr. and at the sign-in desk, there is this new lady. I know she started last week, cause when I took Mark and my grandpa to the Dr's, she was still training. I went to her, cause the other lady was busy and I was there forever and day. It really made me upset and I was getting impatient. You would think, for a whole week....everything she does is the same thing over and over, she would get the job done now. I asked her if I could see my Dr. and of course she had to get up and go over and ask the other lady and she said my Dr. is all booked this morning. Which that made me upset too. My Dr. knows how crazy I am, Im sure he would of made arrangements, lol. But no.....



But anyways....we go in and I tell the urgent care Dr. how Ive been feeling, and she says, it could be numerous factors. Everything I was telling her, she said could be a cause of headaches. She told me that I dont have a brain tumor cause all of my neurological movements are fine. But then I start thinking afterwards....what if the Dr is wrong. They are only human, but then I snap back and think....Nothing that was going on with me, made her even assume its a brain tumor....got to think positive Rachel. Heres me....

*No contacts for 6 months
*Eye strain from the computer and trying to see
*Stiff Neck
*Stress (havent been taking any meds)
*Lack of sleep (extra busy latley)
*3 hour zumbathon with no sugars when working out
*Knots in neck and shoulders from computer and stress
*Laptop keyboard is too high, which cause knots

I know a little of something can make you have a headache, but I really do have alot that contributes. My doctor said I just need to slowly take one of those off and then Ill start feeling better. So I'm trying not to get on the computer as much. I'm trying to get plenty of sleep. I'm trying to get me a prescription for my contacts. I'm trying to stretch my neck and have mark massage it.

On the other side of all of this....they gave me 2 shots in my boohiney. Isn't it weird when you get older these things don't bother you anymore? All your worried about is relief. I never got nervous.....I just wanted to feel better. The first shot....didn't feel a thing....at all.....didn't know it happened.....the next one....wowsers....I yelled loud....lol...Im sure people in the hallways and next door could hear. She warned me, this is going to hurt and sting BAD.....she was not lieing. I'm honestly still sore and its tender to the touch. Whatever that one was, was horrible.

The nurse asked me if I wanted a letter for work. I normally said no, but I went ahead and got one. She came back in and while she was giving me the note, told me that these shots are going to make me really sleepy. Well....I didn't know that and had a full day ahead of me at work. I looked at the paper and it said, to return to work on the 19th. That wasn't going to happen. I went straight from the Dr to work. Mondays are our killer days and I have to be there. Any day of the week, I don't care, Ill miss it, but Monday I have to be there.

I was loopy all day at work...I really shouldn't of been there, cause I was messing up on money all day, and we cant have that. I got the bank deposit wrong...I wrote wrong names on the checks, and I even put the schools info on MY paycheck....it was bad. I ended up leaving around 3pm. I was useless, I couldn't take anymore work. So I left....we went to the bank, got gas and came home. I was knocked out. I asked Mark, where the remote was, and that's all I remember. I needed sleep. I needed to rest.

Hopefully soon, I can get back to my old self again. I really do want to do zumba more, but I need some contacts before I do it. They dim the lights, and I'm always in the back, so therefore I strain to see each and every movement.

Well I'm signing off......

Zumbathon

I did a zumbathon with my friend yesterday and it was fun. BUT... I got this HORRIBLE headache like an hour in. It wasn't that bad, but when I got home it was pounding. I really don't know why I got it. It was so bad, I couldn't see straight. I'm not sure if part of it was because I was standing in front of the speaker or it was because I was straining to see the instructor since I was in the back, or if it was because of 3 hours of hard work and sweat. My neck, eyes and head hurts. Mark tried to stretch my neck today and it helped alot, but this is painful. If I wake up in the morning with another one, then I'm going to go to the Dr. There will be no way I could work like that.

Another thing....I haven't worn contacts in about 5-6 months. I don't know if that has something to do with it or what, or.....my mom got migraines. I heard if you get pregnant, it can sometimes trigger them. I never had them when I was younger, but my cousin did. AND of course, brain tumor comes in my thoughts. Its the only part of my body, Ive never had looked at. I sure hope its not that, but this pain is horrible and not manageable.

Please say a short prayer for me. I don't know if its just as simple as eye and neck strain or if its more serious. Either way, this is NO FUN!!!

More of my birthday

Weird

It has been a weird day today. Just alot of things going on. More car trouble....boss issues....my own little nit picks, that I have of people, which drive me crazy. I dont like where I am right now in life. My business has picked up a little, which I love, but Im really busy all the time. Im really not complaining, because I do enjoy it and I love taking pictures, and I love editing them. But I do work a full time job and then I have my husband and my grandpa. My husband has been really sick and my grandpa has been needing his meds and going to Dr appointments. I just feel like I cant be everywhere all the time, and now since my car is being stupid, I dont know what Im going to do. We are down to one vehicle at the moment, and really cant pay to get it fixed, but what we really need is a new car. But we cant afford that either. Im not worried...I know God will take care of our needs, but its just aggravating. I have lived through cancer, so I will take a burden like this any day. I know there are people out there, that wish this was all they had to worry about.

But the weird thing is, is today, I needed to look on my page to see what day I am on my cycle and it dawned on me is that I havent looked to see how far along I would be in awhile. I honestly forget that thing is at the bottom, but it does pop in my head every once in awhile. Im also glad that I dont go each week, thinking how far along I am. When I do think about it, its sad, and I thing of all the could of, would ofs, but today would of been 20 weeks. I would of been half way there. Instead, Im checking my OPK's and figureing out, what the heck is wrong. They arnt turning in color like they should. They are getting lighter, and I should have like 3 days till I O.

Another thing is, BDing is like a chore these days. We really arnt enjoying it and its getting really hard. We have been sick and busy and really not in any mood, but then in the back of our minds, " thats another month wasted". Im 25 years old....I was thinking today...am I too old??? I know it sounds kinda crazy, but I dont want to have a kid at 30. I dont want to look back and know that my 20's was a struggle to get pregnant. I want a baby 2 years ago. Its getting really hard and emotional, and now we cant seem to afford to take the next step. I dont know what to do anymore. There seems to be nothing wrong with us. I know if its meant to be, it will happen, but alot of times, I just want to throw my hands up in the air. But then, I think....lets try one more month.

It dosent help that things at work are getting more stressed and worse. I dont even want to go in anymore, just so I dont have to deal with the hectic to-do lists, that my boss has me to do. But I need the money. I think I need to sit down and pray and ask God what I need to do. I havent done that in awhile. I want to do what God wants me to do, and I want to go down the path he wants me to go down, so maybe its me. I feel like its I cant catch up. Money, time, energy, love making....nothing!!! I feel like, I have to do this, and I have to do that and thats not like me. Im the type of person, that I would rather have nothing on my to-do list and just be lazy.

I wanted to go and try and work out more, or do something, esp since the weather has gotten cooler, but I am exhausted!!! I have no time or energy!!! I have got to make me some time and do it. I need to push myself.

Thanks for letting me vent and hopefully, I can find some peace in my life!!!

My birthday

Was yesterday!!!! I had a good time. I am now the big 2-5....a whole quarter. I feel like I cant enjoy getting older, because each year that goes by means I'm going to be that much older as a mommy. I know if we had a baby, it wouldn't bother me as much. But that's not my case, so I did enjoy it as much as I could.

We started off waking up and heading to get a spa pedicure. My hubby was going to go do it with me, and it was so funny to watch him. He actually liked it and wanted to buy one of the massage chairs, lol. I loved seeing him do stuff for the first time. It made me think of when we have a child, I will be able to see them learn new things and try new things, through their eyes, and it will be amazing. Then we went home and headed to Oklahoma. We went to this hole in the wall restaurant and then too The Holy City. Mark likes old timey, history stuff, so I knew he would find it interesting. It wasn't as much fun as I remembered, but then again, when your younger, things are more cooler, lol. So then, we drove home, and my and my grandpa, basically fell asleep, lol. We get home, and I talk to my cousin for an hour or so, which was good, cause I haven't talked to her in ages. But we basically just chilled the rest of the night. I made me a "cake", it was more of a Rachel's recipe. It had, Chocolate, whip cream and strawberries, in layers. It was delicious. I ate all of it, lol.

I then made some spaghetti pasta and just relaxed. It was a good birthday. No pressure, no schedule, just relaxed fun with my loves.

Im going to post some pictures up of my birthday. I took over 200 so, I cant really load them all up, but heres an idea. I might post some more later :) Oh and my wonderful mother in law got me those beautiful flowers for my birthday :)

16 years today

Is when I accepted Jesus in my heart. My preacher came over to my house and asked me if I knew the Lord. He then went on to ask me all the questions there is to know and understand.

Do I believe Jesus died on the cross?

Do I believe He died and rose again?

Do I believe He will forgive me?

Those questions are powerful if you know Jesus. They are important questions. I have a personal relationship with Christ and I can feel him seeping through my veins. He has my heart, because I gave it to Him. I was born a sinner, like we all are, but I was born again that night. I was made into new. I was washed away of all my sins and became whiter than snow. Now, when I sin, I can go to my Heavenly Father and asked for forgiveness, ALL because Jesus died for ME.

Today is my birthday of being born again. Yet, in two days....will be my birthday from birth.