A Standers Affirmation

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

- Author Unknown

rejoiceministries.org

Been having meltdowns lately

I was having a good day....slept in, got dressed, felt pretty, went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks with my friend and her son and then went to dinner and then went and walked around Fantasy of Lights. I got home with them and it hit me. It was the devil. I was missing my ex bf and it all came crashing down on me. I was missing my husband but was mad cause he was with her. I was thinking about New Years and how alone I'm going to be and then my friend was talking about it being okay, and sometimes you go through things and events alone. But I don't want to be by myself for New Years. I don't want to ring it in alone. I have always made plans or was going to be with someone or people for New Years. I make plans for any event. Its just how I am. I mean Christmas wasn't big, but enjoyable cause I had my grandpa there. I don't want to stress and worry about something so small, cause I am blessed. My friend was telling me how I worry and stress over the little things. Its true!!!! I mean, my life could be sooooo much worse. I could have cancer, or my grandpa could be dieing, or my house could burn down or my car not run. I do understand that and I do thank God daily for what he has loaned me in this life. I feel an emptiness inside, but I know I have God. I know it could be a lonely issue, cause I am used to a warm body, holding me, loving me, being there for me. I know this time in my life I need to be alone. I want to be alone believe it or not....meaning, I don't want to be in a relationship, but with God and God alone. I guess I just wish I had someone there at all times. Just knowing that would be helpful. Like if I had my mom, I know if I needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, I would have someone, or a sister or dad or brother or anyone. But I don't. I have my grandpa, and he is there, and he will hug me and pray for me, but its that love relationship like from a mother to a child, or a husband to a wife, is what I'm used too. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have my grandpa in my life. I take care of him and he takes care of me. We are a team. I guess its the nurture of a person that I wish I had.
I had someone tell me today, that God must really think I'm special for putting this trials before me. That I must be strong in His eyes. That made me cry. I have faced many trials in my life and had many good times. I know this book that I'm supposed to write will be a testimony to many people, and it will be about my life, but more focused on what God has done for me during those times.
I was just crying out so much earlier that I was getting all chocked up. Believe it or not, with Cass and Mark in my life, I can text them and they both will pray for me. They both were concerned and ask me what was wrong. For the 2 people who I love so much, and sometimes I don't think they care, I know they do! It makes me feel really good inside. Still makes me feel loved even tho, they really cant or wont be a big part of my life. But that's okay, cause God needs to be the biggest part of my life. I know the devil is after me and I know God is just scrapping me clean and making me a new person. I really think hes getting all the old and bad off of me and shaping me and forming into this new person. It hurts, but its showing my true colors and my weaknesses. I know the new layers will be stronger than ever, but right now is the hard part. I know God has a plan for me. My friend told me today that I am where God wants me to be at this exact moment!!!! I was like man......this stinks.....lol. Walking with the Lord can be so hard at times. I always thought it was easy, but I don't think I was walking with him as much as I need to be. Temptation and the devil is always there, but God is bigger. I do rebuke the devil all day long. He knows my weaknesses. I will not let him win!!!!!!!!!

Rough Day

I haven't been sleeping good. When I say I haven't been sleeping good, I mean I sleep weird hours and then when its time for me to get up, I'm tired cause I couldn't fall asleep the night before. I have been actually happy and content the past week. Today was a rough day. I went to work, but seemed like everything went down hill from there, but it was still a good day for me at work. I get home with a horrible headache. I do find out that I am getting the dog that we picked out at the humane society, which they needed to come by and look at our fence. But today I missed my ex boyfriend. Last Saturday on Christmas Eve he said he missed me and I told him I missed him too, but I didn't hear from him since. Which is okay. Then I got really mad at my husband today for everything hes done to me. I really got angry and didn't want to be with him and just wanted my divorce!!!! I know this is the devil. I know God wants me to fight for my marriage and I know hes bringing back the emotions from my ex because I know I'm not supposed to be with him. But it was still a hard day for me. Kinda feeling depressed, but still can feel Gods love around me. I do know I need to be single right now, which in my deepest heart, I really don't want to be with anyone. I do feel lonely at times and miss companionship or just the everyday of knowing you can go someone to the store without trying to find a friend. I know God has a wonderful plan in front of me and I know I'm going to be poured with blessings as long as I stay on His path and seek His face. I know the devil is going to bring me down and try to convince me other ways, but I must be strong and be faithful!!! Please pray for me.....

Starting my book

I'm starting my book. I think!!!!! Ive started and its so hard to remember everything in your life. I write and it flows out, but then I miss something and have to try and squeeze it in there. I think right now would be a good time for me to at least start my book, while I'm waiting on God.

Please pray for me!!!!

Interesting website

http://www.encouragingmen.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=49&Itemid=55



This is an interesting website that I found last night. It actually is for men, but I read one of the books last night and it helped me out. I love that it has KJV scriptures and explains what God wants in a marriage and to forgive and that divorce isnt the way out. I know God can restore our marriage!

Having faith

During this time of my life, I cant have anything but faith.

I need faith with:

*Trusting God that He will restore my marriage and change Marks heart
*That God will take care of mine and my grandpas needs
*That everything that I have gone through will be a big testimony one day
*One day I will have the children and the family that I desire
*Putting and keeping God first
*That God is enough


This new journey in my life is a fight!!!! Its something worth fighting for even though I don't see how it will unfold. I know God has put this fire in my heart to pray for Mark and for our marriage. I cant give up on someone because he sinned. I know God can restore his heart and make it clean and Mark can repent. I haven't been perfect either and I know I had to go to God and repent. The waiting part is the hardest. I want Mark to be that Godly man that I need. I need him to lead me and love as Christ loves the church. I need him to want to have the desire to learn about God and have us as a family learn and grow in God. I want God to be number one and always number one. I want us to pray together. I want us to raise our beautiful babies up together to God. I want him to look at me and know that I'm what he wants and no one else. I want him to love me as he loves himself, if not more.

This is where my faith comes in. I know waiting is going to be the hardest part. But I know during this time is when I can learn and grow closer to God. Its not in our time, but Gods!

New season

Its official!!! I am in a new season of my life. Cass and I broke up, but we both agreed God was telling us we arnt meant to be. I'm glad that we didn't hurt each other in this. We are trying to remain friends, even though everyone tells me that its impossible to be friends after you are in a relationship.

Within 24 hours after Cass and I broke up, I got sick and ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. Its weird how it all came about so fast and I didn't understand then why, but now looking back I can see why. When Cass and I broke up, I immediately started to search God and have him back in my life. When I was with Cass, I knew I was going against Him and I couldn't face God because of guilt. Well after he left, I needed God. I had to take time off of work to heal and in this time, I have really got closer to God and closer to my Christian friends. God has put this fire in my heart to fight for my marriage. I don't see how its going to work, and I'm not even sure if I want to be with him, if I could fully trust Mark again, but I'm doing it, because its in my heart. All this stuff has been put before me everyday, about infidelity and about God changing hearts and even watching Fireproof movie. The same night I felt to wear my wedding ring again which was really weird to me, since I haven't worn in since May. I know God knows the choices Mark is going to make and he knows if we are going to end up in divorce or not.

My life right now is just waiting. I'm waiting on God and praying that I go down the path He wants me to go down. Its no fun being by myself and not having a mate or someone there for me everyday. I'm honestly not looking forward to not even making love to someone. I love having someone around me, telling me they love me and spending time with someone you love. I'm not used to really being by myself, but I know God has put it in my heart to have this time to focus on me and God. I know God is there and I really want God to be all that I need and want. I then know then I can give me to someone and have a healthy relationship and not depend on them so much.

One day when talking to Dani Miser, Author of the Book, "Single woman, seeks perfect Man", God really just was talking through her to me. It took me awhile to "feel" God and I know its because I still had my walls up and also I learned that God wants us to keep going to Him. But in that day, God overwhelmed me and told me that I am going to write a book and everything that I have gone through in life will touch many people. I know the book will be about me and the things I have faced, but its going to be about God and his love and trust and faith. I pray that God will reveal to me what it is I was made for. I know everything that I have gone through is a testimony. Even when I was living in darkness, that can be a testimony. I now can even relate to Mark and what he is doing. The devil always makes things seem good and feel good, but its all a lie. If you really know Jesus and have accepted him in your heart you can feel God tugging. At one point I even was waiting on my heart to get hardened, so I wouldn't feel the guilt. But God never left my side. He also knew I was too weak to get out of the relationship and so he touched Cass's heart. I miss being in a relationship with him cause he was such a good man, but at the same time, I never could see "us".

I do hope whoever reads this, that you pray for me and the struggles that I know I'm going to face. The devil is already after me and tempts me everyday and also gives me the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I pray that I stay on the right track and not stray and that I strive to do Gods will and what he wants me to do in life. I pray for my marriage and that God can restore our hearts and our love for each other. Thank you!

Changing and growing

I feel strong. I feel like Im turning into who Im supposed to be. Since Mark left my eyes have been opened wide to people and mistakes. I lived in my comfortable bubble where I tried to live right all the time. There is nothing wrong with living that way, but I know God has more for me. I know I needed to go through that to help other people. Before I would be judgemental and say, "Dont do it, have more will power". But sometimes people are weak, sometimes they are hurting, sometimes people just want to rebel. It dosent make it right, but I know we learn from our mistakes. Its when we turn and repent to God for what we have done and not do it again......

But that can be hard. I am living proof that what Im doing is wrong and my will power isnt strong enough right now. This is me being completly honest. This is me, sharing my struggles and confusion.

I am with a married man.....Im a married woman. We are in a relationship and we are sexually active. Is it right? NO Do I love him? YES Do I feel guilty? YES

So why is it hard to walk away? Sometimes it feels right and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, because truely he is a wonderful, big hearted man. Everyone loves him and accepts him. I know what Im doing isnt right in Gods eyes and that Im going to be punished. Im not looking forward to it, so why isnt it enough?

Im scared of God and everything he can do. He has blessed me my whole life by me living right. I know once you get into sin it gets deeper and harder to get out. I know that as a Christian. Just like the song, Slow Fade, by Casting Crowns. Its a slow fade and then you start doing stuff that you never thought of doing. Its black and white, and then it turns to gray. And thats exactly what it has done. Its gray. It seems right and it seems wrong.

I dont know what Im waiting on. My life is confused, but I do feel stronger. Maybe my emotions with Mark are fading. I think Im now accepting this is going to happen and my life will be without him. I know God has something better for me....but its up to me to pick what he is giving me. I could do what he blesses me with or do what I want and then not be happy.

I feel strong with me learning how to be in a proper relationship. I want to please and make the other person happy. I want to not nit pick on little things. I still have to tell myself, "Rachel, let it go" , or "Rachel, its not that big of a deal" . The way I was before for so long, just cant change over night, but Im glad I have someone in my life that knows Im still working and changing for the better. I think with both of us, we are finally in a relationship that is good and healthy. We both want the healthy relationship with talking and our attitudes positive.

I dont know where it will go. Im living my life one day at a time. Im enjoying everyday and soaking it all in, which I didnt do before. I no longer worry about tomorrow or fret on the past. This is my life and Im going to live and learn and grow :)

Memories

Memories

You said for better or for worse
You said till death do us part
You promised forever

So what happened?

You told me that there wasnt love there anymore
You said I was abusive emotionally and physically
You said you were tired of it

How come you couldnt stand by my side?
How come you gave up on me?
How come you stopped loving me?

I was trying to better myself
but you said it was too late

I was praying for us
but you still left

I was still willing to make it work as much work that needed to be done
but you said no

You ran to someone else who could make you happy
when I was your wife praying for you

I didnt speak to you for 6 months and then wished you Happy Fathers Day
and you said thank you

I cried

We started talking and my emotions came back
and you didnt know

I seen you and sat down and talked to you and cried
and you still looked at me in disgust

You were my best friend that knew me inside out
and I knew you inside out

Now we are just friends who talk when need to be
but I would take that over nothing

You still have part of my heart
and I dont know if I want you to have it all or give it back

I want to love like I loved you

You say we both have strayed from God
but we have strayed from each other

How did our lives get like this?
We both arnt happy

We both are searching for something more
something better, when really we are under a vow

How could we let the devil win?
How did he defeat us and our marriage?

I thought we were strong
I thought we had conquered more than most and could still smile

Why do I miss you?
You hurt me

How could I still love you so much
when you left?

I know I wasnt perfect
but neither were you

You treated me like a princess
and you deserved better

But I thought you were my soul mate
my everything

You were the best husband I could ask for
but I wish you led me in Christ

I depended on you too much
when I should of leaned on God

Even if we never end up together
I want to say thank you for always being there

You were a big part of my life
that held my hand through the hard times

You gave up alot for me and sacrificed alot
and I always knew, even if I didnt seem like it

Your a good man with a big heart who made some mistakes
but I forgive you as Christ has forgiven you

You will always be my first love, my husband,
and the father to my 3 precious babies

We will always have our memories
the good and the bad!

White heart tattoo

This is what I want to get. Not on my finger, but the same size and everything on my arm/wrist. Its my signature and I will be the one drawing it to be put on me. :)

Its whatever

That's how I woke up today. My mind is like scatter brained with alot of stuff on my mind of how much my husband has changed. I just don't want to care anymore of what he does, but he surprises me all the time. I can see hes searching and looking for peace, for understanding, for an answer, for happiness, as I am too. But I think hes starting to slowly look in the wrong places again. I don't want to worry about him......its hard to let go. Maybe I should just cut my ties with him all together?! But I do still care about him, as he is the father of my 3 precious babies and we have spent the past 10 years together. He was my best friend......that's what hurts I think more than ANYTHING!

I am at a place in my life where I'm just taking it a day a time and living life to the best I can. I'm not sitting around hoping or anything.....I just know what God has put in my heart, and its hard to get around that. I hate the feeling of the devil winning this battle. I want happiness for all of us, together or not.

I think more than anything.....I want my security, my happiness, my dreams back. I want to wake up and have hope about my future. I want a family......I want peace!

New Job?

I need a new job. I still work at my retail place that I started back in December that I originally got to just put money back for a new vehicle, but then Mark left and so I was living on that basically this summer. It didn't get me far because I was only working like one maybe two days a weekend, so it didn't last. They have given me more hours and its helped alot, but I really need a full time job. I want to still work there on the weekends, because I really do enjoy it and its good discount on clothes.

I want a good job with weekends free and holidays. (don't we all, lol) I need to pray about where God wants me to go and what doors he will open up for me. I was working at the school, but got laid off for some of my actions since Mark has left and you know what? I'm at peace with it. Everyone has told me, its time I move on and try something new. Its basically the only job Ive had since I graduated high school, which I graduated from there. So I haven't really had to face the real world. Since I don't have Marks income anymore, I really need to find me a better paying job anyways. I'm really kinda excited this new adventure that I'm on. I wonder what kind of a job I will get. I know looking for a job and going to interviews is a pain in the boohiney, but all I know is, I need to get me an updated resume. I know learning a new job has alot of challenges and I know I can get insecure and not have any confidence sometimes when learning new stuff, but I know its what I need to do. I'm used to knowing everything about a job and even telling my boss how to do it. But its time to learn new and meet new people :)

Please pray that God will give me the job that he wants to be at. I need to start looking and hopefully it wont be long till I get a good job :)

A new journey

Its been about 7 months since Mark has left.....3 months since I last blogged. My life has been.....a one day at a time life. I'm still figuring out who I am and where I'm going. I realized the past few days that in 8 months my whole bubble that I used to live in has totally busted and I am standing here waiting to spread my wings and grow into something more beautiful. I had a comfort zone.....with Mark, with my job and now I don't have either. Its time for new beginnings, new challenges....new dreams.....

I still want to be friends with Mark. He was my best friend and was a big part of my life for a long time. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I have made mistakes and sinned against God just like everyone else in this world. I cant hold bitter or be mad at someone for a long time. I forgave him and I hope he lives a happy life.

There is a guy in my life who is going through the same thing I am. We were friends, actually all of us were friends before Mark left and then his wife left him and we kinda just were there for each other. We have grown more feelings for each other and can understand and help how each other feels. I don't know where this is going to go, but its a one day at a time thing. I am enjoying my life to the best I can and making memories. I am learning and growing and figuring myself out more and more. I am still working on myself and still face challenges everyday.

I hope to blog more to show others my journey, my trials, my mistakes, my memories, my heartache, my happiness and my love. I hope for prayer as I start this new journey in my life, that I can follow Gods path.

I have to admit, I have strayed from God. I have been trying to plan my own life when everyday I hear God say.....no....follow me. I'm hoping to get back on track and stay faithful and positive!!!

Much love to all!!!!

"Strong Enough" by Matthew West Lyrics

Strong Enough

You must

You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough

Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Im bleeding again

My emotions are on a roller coaster. I know this....I knew it would be good and then bad and then numb....I knew this. I broke down today...Last night, I was talking to a couple of guys who are going through the same thing. I want to sit here and tell you everything that happened, but I cant. I cant let it get to certain people, but while they were trying to make me feel better, I was crying inside. They were trying to help me and give me the words to tell me about this whore and how she is and yet, I was loving Mark more as they put him down. Shouldn't I of gotten mad??? Shouldn't I of agreed? Why was I falling more and more in love with him? I think its because they never knew the Mark that I knew. They didn't know the way he used to look at me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay.

I just want to be happy. I have plenty of guys interested and I have plenty of guys tell me I'm beautiful and "Amazing"....But why do I wish Mark could be the one to tell me that and mean it? Why isn't he getting my divorce yet? Why should I wait on him? I feel like he has power over me and by him making me feel that way, I'm lashing out. I'm doing things that I never thought I would do and say. I'm not proud of myself. I'm finding who I am, the wrong way. This person that I'm acting like, is NOT the person that I am.

Mothers Day is coming up. More depressing....not only was it depressing before sharing it with my husband with no babies, but now I have no husband or babies. I'm going to spend it alone. I'm sure he wont even think of me and our babies that day. I don't know who he is. How can he walk away from our babies? How can he crush our future and dreams that we once had together? I don't want to care anymore. My mind races sooooo much that I'm exhausted at the end of the day.

I'm sorry this has been a depressing blog post. But this is how I'm feeling at the moment. I feel so alone. I sit here in my room, wanting to crawl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I hate that one person can do this to me. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to have feelings for him. I want someone who loves me for me. I want someone who's family loves me. I want a Godly man that I will trust with all my might and soul. I want a man that makes me smile, just from looking at me with the love in his eyes. I want a man who can take care of me emotional, physically, financially and lovingly. I longed to feel those feelings. I want him to be a kisser, a good cuddler, someone who can wrap their arms around me and me feel so safe, love and secure. Someone who will love to have a growing family with me.

I know Mark and I wont be back together. I can feel it in my soul. I just wish this hope would go away....I don't want it anymore. I want the man that God wants me to be with. I want to go down his path and serve him, cause I know I will be truly happy.

I'm tired.....I'm tired of caring and hoping!!!! I want this storm to be over with!

Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was (with Lyrics)

I was in therapy and I was telling my therapist how Ive changed and Im not who I was anymore and she brought this song up. I knew it, but havent heard it in awhile. This song, is like my song to Mark right now.

Jesus is Risen!!

Happy Easter everyone!!!! My Easter has been weird. Last night I didn't go to bed at all. I got home late and stayed up talking to a really good friend of mine. He was there to talk to me through some things and give me some advice. Hes a little older and wiser and I know God put him here in my life right now for a good reason. I found some stuff out last night, that put me over the edge. An edge I haven't been too, actually in awhile. So I called my friend back up after talking to him for hours and vented again, and he listened. Hes a great guy!

You know...I want to be done....I threw my wedding rings off....yes....I still wear them. I AM married and they are a reminder that I am married. Until the divorce is final, I need to act like a married woman, because God still sees us married. I have been in situations so far and done things, that I shouldn't have, but I AM married. Its not just a piece of paper.....because God says, to follow the rules of the land, and in our country we are legally married, so therefore WERE MARRIED! Mark can go do whatever he wants, but HE will be the one to stand before God and have to repent of each and every single thing he has, is and will be doing. What he is doing is wrong. If he truly is saved, then that fire of God should be eating at him. God should be pounding on his heart and telling him this IS wrong. I cant control Mark, just like I cant control the weather.

I'm tired of caring. I want to move on. Apparently its easier said than done. Deep down, I just want to be happy with someone who loves ME for ME, with the good and the bad.

Church was awesome and I am so thankful that I go to this new church. The people and the atmosphere is what I need right now. Today was my last day in our class. Its sad, but I still have my get-togethers with my SWIGS during the week and then we are going to be starting a new class I'm sure next week. I just cant get enough of God. He still has this peace he has given me, don't get me wrong. He knows my heart, he knows what my true desires are. He knows I'm not perfect and that I'm changing to better myself as a Christian woman. All I know is, I cant wait to see Gods plan unfold before me. My eyes are upon Jesus and I WILL follow the path he has set before me, because it will lead to TRUE happiness.

I pray for Mark and her everyday. They need it. God still loves them, they are his children. I don't hate them. I don't wish bad things upon them. I just don't understand, why Mark hasn't given me my divorce yet. I'm sure its not on his top priority, because hes having "fun". I know he wants the divorce, I'm not sitting here saying, he hasn't gotten it cause hes doubting, I know he does. But Ive been praying for that too. That if this is what really is going to happen, that we get the ball rolling so I can move on with my life. God hasn't put it my heart to go and get the divorce yet, so until then, I'm waiting. I don't think I should anyways, cause this is what HE wanted and chose to do. He needs to pay for it. I don't have the extra money for something like that. But each day that he delays and keeps living in sin, is just a blessing God keeps taking away from him. I feel so bad for Mark. I pray that God would help open up his eyes. Hes really losing alot of Gods blessings for what??? Temporary happiness??? Maybe he doesn't see it this way and maybe someone reading this doesn't agree with me, but its true! Read the Bible :)

Well anyways....I went to church....came home and crashed....and now I'm here :) That was my Sunday! It will definitely be a memorable one.

I cant wait for my future and what the next couple of months has instore and how much I will be growing with Christ and for myself.

It just baffles me, how someone can choose to live a sinful lifestyle. Mark, might as well be a drug addict. What he is doing is wrong every single day. How can you turn your face from God? How can you actually think this lifestyle is better and happier, knowing that you are going against God. How can you let the devil defeat you? Does he not realize Satan is laughing at Mark? I would hate to give the devil any joy for my actions.

Whatever the case is.....this is how I honestly feel. God will NEVER bless this relationship. It doesn't matter if we get divorced and they repent and get married and live right, it will never be blessed. I say that because, their relationship broke up a marriage. Why would God bless that? They broke up a vow, a promise to God. Why would God bestow blessings?? I'm not saying that Mark could never be in a relationship that God would bless, but it wont be this one.

Either way....I'm blessed! I wasn't the best wife, but I have repented. Something some people need to know, if you don't already is.....When you ask God to forgive you, and you keep doing it, then your really not asking for forgiveness or you wouldn't keep doing it. Just like the story in the Bible about the men grabbing a woman who was caught cheating on her husband. They took her before Jesus and told him, she needs to be stoned because that's what the law of Moses says to do for committing adultery. Jesus tells them...."Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone". They couldn't say or do anything, cause they knew they fell short of the glory of the Lord too. BUT, Jesus told her, to go and NOT TO DO AGAIN.

I know I must repeat alot of things over and over each post, but its true and what is on my heart! I'm going to keep smiling :)

Im done!

So I'm done.....I don't want him back, I'm moving on!!!! I deserve better than a man who couldn't handle or fight for his marriage. I wish him the best of luck in life, but hes not the man that I married anymore. I'm accepting that and coming to terms with it.

Mark and I together at our wedding

You know, I have sometimes doubted the love Mark had for me, or if he really deep down loved me. I know in my heart he did.....I just dont understand how someone can walk away, with the Love I thought we had for each other. I can go back and look at our wedding day and I can see our pure happiness and our true Love. It makes me smile for what we once had. I just hope and pray we will someday have it again! Hes my husband and I just want to shout it to the whole world how much I really love him.