Happy Easter everyone!!!! My Easter has been weird. Last night I didn't go to bed at all. I got home late and stayed up talking to a really good friend of mine. He was there to talk to me through some things and give me some advice. Hes a little older and wiser and I know God put him here in my life right now for a good reason. I found some stuff out last night, that put me over the edge. An edge I haven't been too, actually in awhile. So I called my friend back up after talking to him for hours and vented again, and he listened. Hes a great guy!
You know...I want to be done....I threw my wedding rings off....yes....I still wear them. I AM married and they are a reminder that I am married. Until the divorce is final, I need to act like a married woman, because God still sees us married. I have been in situations so far and done things, that I shouldn't have, but I AM married. Its not just a piece of paper.....because God says, to follow the rules of the land, and in our country we are legally married, so therefore WERE MARRIED! Mark can go do whatever he wants, but HE will be the one to stand before God and have to repent of each and every single thing he has, is and will be doing. What he is doing is wrong. If he truly is saved, then that fire of God should be eating at him. God should be pounding on his heart and telling him this IS wrong. I cant control Mark, just like I cant control the weather.
I'm tired of caring. I want to move on. Apparently its easier said than done. Deep down, I just want to be happy with someone who loves ME for ME, with the good and the bad.
Church was awesome and I am so thankful that I go to this new church. The people and the atmosphere is what I need right now. Today was my last day in our class. Its sad, but I still have my get-togethers with my SWIGS during the week and then we are going to be starting a new class I'm sure next week. I just cant get enough of God. He still has this peace he has given me, don't get me wrong. He knows my heart, he knows what my true desires are. He knows I'm not perfect and that I'm changing to better myself as a Christian woman. All I know is, I cant wait to see Gods plan unfold before me. My eyes are upon Jesus and I WILL follow the path he has set before me, because it will lead to TRUE happiness.
I pray for Mark and her everyday. They need it. God still loves them, they are his children. I don't hate them. I don't wish bad things upon them. I just don't understand, why Mark hasn't given me my divorce yet. I'm sure its not on his top priority, because hes having "fun". I know he wants the divorce, I'm not sitting here saying, he hasn't gotten it cause hes doubting, I know he does. But Ive been praying for that too. That if this is what really is going to happen, that we get the ball rolling so I can move on with my life. God hasn't put it my heart to go and get the divorce yet, so until then, I'm waiting. I don't think I should anyways, cause this is what HE wanted and chose to do. He needs to pay for it. I don't have the extra money for something like that. But each day that he delays and keeps living in sin, is just a blessing God keeps taking away from him. I feel so bad for Mark. I pray that God would help open up his eyes. Hes really losing alot of Gods blessings for what??? Temporary happiness??? Maybe he doesn't see it this way and maybe someone reading this doesn't agree with me, but its true! Read the Bible :)
Well anyways....I went to church....came home and crashed....and now I'm here :) That was my Sunday! It will definitely be a memorable one.
I cant wait for my future and what the next couple of months has instore and how much I will be growing with Christ and for myself.
It just baffles me, how someone can choose to live a sinful lifestyle. Mark, might as well be a drug addict. What he is doing is wrong every single day. How can you turn your face from God? How can you actually think this lifestyle is better and happier, knowing that you are going against God. How can you let the devil defeat you? Does he not realize Satan is laughing at Mark? I would hate to give the devil any joy for my actions.
Whatever the case is.....this is how I honestly feel. God will NEVER bless this relationship. It doesn't matter if we get divorced and they repent and get married and live right, it will never be blessed. I say that because, their relationship broke up a marriage. Why would God bless that? They broke up a vow, a promise to God. Why would God bestow blessings?? I'm not saying that Mark could never be in a relationship that God would bless, but it wont be this one.
Either way....I'm blessed! I wasn't the best wife, but I have repented. Something some people need to know, if you don't already is.....When you ask God to forgive you, and you keep doing it, then your really not asking for forgiveness or you wouldn't keep doing it. Just like the story in the Bible about the men grabbing a woman who was caught cheating on her husband. They took her before Jesus and told him, she needs to be stoned because that's what the law of Moses says to do for committing adultery. Jesus tells them...."Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone". They couldn't say or do anything, cause they knew they fell short of the glory of the Lord too. BUT, Jesus told her, to go and NOT TO DO AGAIN.
I know I must repeat alot of things over and over each post, but its true and what is on my heart! I'm going to keep smiling :)
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