Growing

I'm growing.....Spiritually!!!! God has given me this peace that everything is going to be okay, no matter what the outcome is. Because God has this predestined plan for my life. He knew that Mark and I would be here at this moment and at this time in life. Only he knows the choices that we will make, if they are to glorify Him or not.

I read the story on Hosea the other day in my book. It touched me so deeply. I don't know if I have ever heard the story of Hosea, but I cried. Hosea was a God fearing man who married an adulteress and was to never leave her. She had gone out and had sex and even had babies by other men, while he still stood by her side. His wife Gomer actually sold herself to prostitution, and in my book it says this:
From a distance, he longed and awaited her return. He did not go to her and beg her to return, he did not try to change her heart on his own, but he waited patiently for God to perform a miracle in her life, a miracle in their marriage. He stood by while she came to the end of her ways; he had faith that after some time she would long to return to him.

That passage spoke to me....This is what God is telling me to do. I cant and wont go and talk to Mark. He doesn't want to hear it from me. I want to just run to him and show him everything that I have learned and all the changes I have made in my life FOR ME!!! For me to grow with Christ, for me to be a better person, for me to be a better witness. I want to show Mark that I'm here, waiting still.

I believe there is a battle going on with Mark. Mark knows God. I believe he is saved, I really do. Actually God has told me a few times since he left that he was, because I doubted it, when I shouldn't have. But this is something else this book says:
The Bible tells us though, that the battle is not what we see with our eyes. There is a spiritual battle that is waged daily over the lives of each person in existence. It literally is a war of good versus evil, demons versus angels (2 Cor. 10:3-4)

There isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that the prison that he works at is evil. I have heard so many stories since Mark has left, that if I only knew before, I know we would of had a sit down and talked about whether or not that job is really suitable for our marriage. Temptation runs wild out there. The devil is just lurking each and every one out there, even the strong Christians.

I want to post this:
I really miss Mark. I long to just lay down with him, and be by his side. I don't have any desires to be with anyone else. It hurts to think, he would rather lay next to someone else. It hurts to know, that she will never love him as much as I do. I remember before I found out I had cancer, I told Mark, that I would rather me go through an illness than to watch him or my grandpa go through one. I still would!!! I know I may of never of showed Mark, how much I truely love him, but I do!!!

Hes not my life anymore, hes not my everything. You may think....why would you say that? Because hes not!! My life is Christs, Christ is my everything! But Mark is my second. Hes my husband, the better half of me. Just like God gave Eve to Adam, to have companionship, to have a family, to grow old together. It kills me inside to think of them having a family together. I mean, I honestly don't know if shes pregnant or not. It could of been a reason why he left me. I guess time will tell. I also hope that if they did or are pregnant, that God will take the desire away from me to be with him. I wonder and people has told me, it was a blessing in disguise why we wernt getting pregnant. I know that I don't think I would of grown like I have done if I had a baby around and saw Mark on a daily basis. I want to say....or hope....that we had to separate for awhile and maybe if its in Gods plan, we get back together we will have a family, knowing and believing Christ is the center.

I do sit here and wonder. I weigh out the pros and cons, the what ifs, the maybes.....I'm human.