God is good

Last Wednesday my car started having some problems.  It started making a popping noise in my exhaust pipe and acted like it was wanting to die.  I took it to the ex bf and he told me to take it to the shop.  I took it to a certain auto shop that a couple of people recommended and they called me and told me I needed a new exhaust manifold. They said it was going to be $350.00 and they were going to get it from the salvage yard and they couldn't do anything else to the car until that was put on first.  When I heard this, a red flag went up with me.  I remember dropping off my car and I never was at peace.  In fact I couldn't even sleep good the night before, because something was just off.  I had contacted a few people and did some research and it just seemed not right and bogus.  I had a few people tell me different things, but I decided to just ask on my facebook if anyone had any good, trustworthy, cheap mechanics they knew.  One of my old coworkers who's husband actually owns a body shop, recommended this one person and it was like 2 blocks away from where I was at already, so I just went with that one.  I had a few people tell me other things, but this one, just felt right. 

My friend has been driving me around and I feel sooooooo grateful and thankful, even though I feel like a bum and so I got my car from the other shop, took it down the street and they instantly started looking at it.  I had told them, I cant afford alot, so please don't add stuff in there if its not necessary and he looked at me and told me, "I'm not like that", and I just knew he meant it.  I told my friend when I got back in the car with her, cause I had to leave it there overnight, that I felt at peace about my car and never worried about it since. 

I got the phone call today that my car is ready and then I had this overwhelmed feeling, because I didn't know how much it was going to be and they were already done with it.  I asked how much it was and they said $95.00.  I then asked what was wrong with it and she said, it needed a new spark plug.  I get that I could of had someone do that for free and just pay for the part, but I don't think you understand how much of relief it was, it was something so small.  I asked a few more questions and she said, its running just fine. 

I have been praying, my grandpa has, my friends have, and I have tried putting my trust and faith in God to the fullest, but I did catch myself trying to figure it all out.  When I left it at Billy's, I really feel like its then is when I put my faith in God and just breathed.  Like I said before, I was at peace when I dropped it off.  I had been praying for God to show me what to do.....and He did!!!

I know this might sound small, but its huge to me.  On top of it all, Monday, when I had to take it to a shop and be without any car AND my truck wasn't working, I got a phone call that I didn't get the job that I applied at.  I heard the voice message and laughed and said....of course, cause why would I?  But then I had this peace feeling that the job is not where God wanted me to be. 

God always just feels my heart with feelings and emotions and reminds me that He is taking care of me and not to worry.  I love knowing everything will be okay and my life could be worse and to just deal with life's ups and downs and have faith.

I was going to have to walk to work in the morning and walk home, but now today my friend will pick me up and I will have my car!! :)  

I do feel so blessed and I'm grateful that I can afford this.  I mean, if course its money that I didn't want to have to fork out, but its money that I do have set aside I can use. 

So once again, God has taken care of me and I feel so blessed!!!!  This song kept coming to my mind all week and was a reminder that God holds tomorrow in His hands.....

Great song

Love this

 Good song!!!

I have heard this song a million times, but it wasn't until yesterday when I was at work and I heard it and listened to the words, that it touched me.  Maybe it was just one of those moments when God knew I needed to hear this and be reminded or told that my future is already planned and God already knows and is there for what comes my way.  I cant worry about the future and what might come or what might not come, I just need to live my life to the fullest and have faith that God wants to give me the best!!! :)

Thoughts and Pictures

 Don't forget......I'm fixing to change my blog to this....JoyRachelslife.blogspot.com
so if you have it saved, it wont go to it, it will say its been deleted!!



Sometimes I wonder where I am in this life.  I know God is still molding me and shaping me into the person he wants me to be.  I also wonder when am I going to break down and go on a date with someone.  I sometimes feel like I'm not ready, but what will it hurt?  I can feel myself have this shield up to getting my heart broken or falling for someone who isn't meant for me.  I think because of what Mark did has scarred me and also me getting into a relationship right afterwards and falling for a man when I wasn't ready scares me.  I'm really okay with being by myself right now.  I'm enjoying talking and getting to know people and looking.  I know what I want and what I don't want.  I feel like sometimes I'm being picky or I have made a man in my head that doesn't exist, but I know in my heart, my whole heart, that God has this man for me and its just going to be magical.  I think when I meet him, its going to be a love like I never have felt before, something so pure and peaceful and there will be no doubt in my mind about us.


One thing that God amazes me with, is that He is always there.  I can stray and do my thing for a while and when I realize what I'm doing, I just run right back into his arms.  I know that's what Ive done lately.  Things have happened in my life that were unexpected and sometimes I'm just ready for the next chapter, a new chapter to look forward too and grow.  I really am waiting on God to show me what He wants me to do and I pray and wait all the time.  In the meantime, he is taking care of me and providing for all my needs.

My friend called and I was talking to him about why not go on dates......and I realized something....I think I hold on to something that will never be, because its safe.  If I don't let go, then I cant move on and even though I really want too, I know I'm scared too.  I think that's why I just need to go out of my box that I made again for myself and just live life.  I went on a date a few months ago and even though we are friends, I had a blast and made memories.  I'm not saying I'm going to marry anyone, so why not get to know someone? 

Its just, Ive been asked out a few times lately and I catch myself always saying no or coming up with an excuse, but why?  My friend said tonight if I'm having doubt then that could be God not wanting me too, and I get that, because I know and my advice to everyone is "When in doubt, DON'T".  I don't know, its just something that has been crossing my mind lately.  I don't know if I will or not, but deep down I really don't feel ready to go on a date.

So the other day me and the bestie decide to go after church and do a photo shoot since the weather was pretty.  I hate how my body turned out in them and its actually motivated me more to get back on my diet and exercise to lose my 80 pounds.  Here are some....

Still love this song

I HATE Drama

I think ever since Mark left, drama has followed me.  I never had drama or even really knew alot of people who had drama in their life.  Ill admit that I put alot of that drama in my life after he left, but everything got shaken upside down that I didn't know what was drama and what wasn't till months into it, I just knew I wasn't happy and stressed all the time. 

I also know that lately, I cause my own drama in my head, when really they are struggles.  I always tell people.....I hate drama, I'm just dramatic!!!!  They are both different things....I am the type of person that is like....."OMGOSH, IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I let alot of things roll off my back with people and their stupidity, but if its wrong.....you better believe I'm going to say something.

Today, my job calls me.....I had just woken up and she tells me not to come in next week and that she needs to sit down and talk with me.  I am totally confused at this point and ask her whats going on and blah blah blah.

Anyways....alot happened tonight and I'm torn between pissed and hurt.  I think everyone who knows me knows that I am an honest person who shares more than the average person, but this is me......My friends even tonight know I didn't do anything wrong.  My own boss wouldn't talk to me about what this is, because it wasn't on "her own time".  I swear sometimes, its like high school up there and it never was before.  I do miss my old boss....she was very professional and I knew I could go to her and talk to her about anything without everyone else finding out.  I don't have that security there....its like they thrive off of drama and games. 

I am not the type of person to back down from something.  I will fight for what is right, even if I "lose".  I think of it not as a loss, but everything I could possibly do to make it right or fix it.  Just like my marriage....even though we got divorced, I did everything I could to save it....so therefore it wasn't a loss to me, I knew I did everything I could and can live in peace with it.  Whatever crap is going down, or lies or misunderstanding at work is going on.....I guess on Monday morning I will find out what it is, because I have been racking my mind all day about what in the world I could of done to be ripped of all my hours.  They better have a good reason....but the truth is.....even if it is or isn't....I don't know if I want to work with these people anymore.  I have been the most loyal, anytime you need me, I'm always here kind of girl for them, and this is how they are treating me?  I mean......I might just have to take it up the ladder with this one......

eeekkkk

Yesterday morning I woke up to a missed call from the hospital.  Ive had them calling me before with collections to get a bill and as I slowly was waking up to realize I didn't have a bill with them anymore.  They called me Joy, so I was trying to figure it out and the lady said she was from Human Resources, so I googled it and it was for a job!!!!  YAY!!! I called her right back! 

So here I am, sitting here trying to blog real quick before my interview.  I'm a little nervous, but not too bad.  I know most likely I will have to go through 3 interviews, so I'm guessing this must be one of the easy ones.  I'm going to just go in there and be me and be open and honest and if its Gods will, then I wont have anything to worry about.  I am surprised I got a phone call back because everytime I put my application in somewhere, I pray and ask God for him to call me back if its a job he wants me to have.  The good thing about the hospital is, I could move sections or grow there, like pretty much its a long ways to grow and its a good facility to work at.  This job is actually a part time job on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 2:45-11:15pm.  I mean, I'm a night owl anyways and I can still keep my other job AND have my business for the weekends.  Its kind of one of those things that sounds too good to be true and I really am trying to get my hopes up or anything. 


So here it is........yay....wish me luck.....say a prayer :)

Praise You In The Storm

Struggles

I saw this and realized I have this problem.  I make a list, I have to get everything done off that list.  My best friend will tell me, things can wait and so I have noticed I have gotten better at not rushing to get things done before the day ends. 

God did rest on day 7 and the Bible says alot at the beggining to rest and to not work on day 7 and to prepare enough food the day before so you can have it the next day.  This world now a days is all about rushing and getting everything done.  I really feel like its the small things that hold us up, like our phone, the tv, the computer, video games, the electronics.  If you took all that away for a week, I bet everything would get done and you could rest.  Im guilty of this too....in fact Im writing this and I have 2 bills I need to pay, but I know if I pay bills first this might not get done, because its not manditory.  I know I HAVE to pay bills, so I know I will do them. 

I also have been struggling with taking a day off to work out.  I did the other day because I fell asleep, but really in my head I dont want to go a day without doing some sort of exercise, but again....my body still needs to rest.

I wrote the other day about balance.....I know its something that I struggle with.  I know we all have our struggles....its finding them, realising them, and fixing them. 

I struggle with something I wrote about the other day, but really in reality.....its all in my head and I feel like its the devil getting to me and whispering lies in my head, because in my heart I know otherwise, which is from God!  The devil will tell you, your not good enough, or you cant reach a goal, that your a failure, that your ugly, your fat, your too skinny, your not good enough......blah blah blah......Everyone is worthy, everyone has a purpose and everyone is loved, even if its just God himself, for He made everyone!!!! 

So I hope everyone out there who might be feeling down about themselves or might be struggling with something, looks up and smiles, cause God will wrap His big ole arms around you and squeeze ya tight! :)

Dont even read this

Sometimes on this blog, I get skeptical at what I should write and what I shouldn't, because at the end of the day, I really don't know who all reads it, but since this is my blog, I'm writing how I feel.

I cant help but say that I'm still a little bit in love with the ex boyfriend.  I have a connection with him that I really don't think 80% of people walking this earth has ever had with someone.  Even though our whole relationship was in sin and not healthy because of the situation we were in, that connection hasn't gone away and I have prayed a thousand times for it too.  The sad thing about it all, is I thought this past year that it was all me, and maybe me having a struggle with letting go or a reason to not fall in love again or whatever it may be, there has been alot of reasons that might have crossed my mind.  I tried to block him numerous of times out of my life and would go months without talking to him or seeing him and the pain did get better.  Somehow, someway, he always came back in, even if I didn't want him to be and the moment we see each other in person, everything bad in my life goes away.  He told me things of how he felt and I had never told him this, only close friends, and it was the same exact thing as I how I felt.  We have this magnetic connection that we cant explain.  He has told me that no matter what or where in life, he will always be in love with me, and I have always felt the same for him.  In fact deep deep down, I wont get close to another man because I feel like, how can I give myself to someone if my heart really isn't 100% over someone. I don't think it would be fair to that other person.

Our situation really does suck though.....hes engaged to another woman now and I still know in my heart hes not for me.  So how does that work?  Why is it that we both feel the same way, but yet there isn't a chance we would be together?  Ive thought....are we just not letting go?  Maybe I'm not......but hes in love with someone else, so why does he still feel that way with me?  Maybe its the devil, with lusts and trying to mess us up??? So why have I prayed a thousand times and that connection wont go away? Why is he happy in a relationship and is moving forward, nothing is getting messed up on his part?  Is this a one in a million thing we have and we just need to accept it and move on?  But yet, why are we both standing there looking at each other, loving each other, and yet, confused on why we still feel this way?

I don't think there are answers.  If the two people who feel this way, cant even come close to an answer, I cant imagine someone who either never have felt this way towards someone or been in this predicament to have an answer.  Most people who I have talked too, honestly has never admitted to feeling how we feel towards each other, towards anyone in their lives.  I know what is between us is rare and it might fade or go away one day.....I don't know, even though he says on his part it will never go away, but whatever it is, its real, because with us in a relationship, out of a relationship, talking or not talking, we both still feel the same way towards each other.

I really hope the man I'm supposed to marry one day, that we have the same connection that me and the ex do.  If not....its going to suck, because it will always feel like something is missing.

I really think its just time that I back off, breathe a little and work on my goal that I set for this year.  I am honestly happy that he is happy, because he deserves it.  Hes had it rough for awhile and alot of things didn't go in his favor when it should of, and I feel like now hes getting what he deserves.  Ive seen his fiancee and I think they look cute together and make a happy family.  I'm not too worried about myself and my happiness, considering my focus is not on a relationship or love right now, but I'm focusing on me and my self esteem.  I know everything is going to be okay and we are all going to live our lives and make memories with whoever is on our life.

I'm not bitter towards anyone and I'm not mad at anyone.  I actually want both my ex's to be happy with whoever they are with, I wouldn't wish anything bad on anyone, and I really mean all of this.  Ive had some of my friends look at me like I'm crazy for not being mad or wishing bad things on some of them, but I think about it like this......I wouldn't want them to do it to me.....I wouldn't want God to allow something bad happen to me for having a bitter heart or wanting bad on someone else......

I know all of us who are single, have our moments where we look out and think that everyone has someone and is happy and in love.  When in reality, they all fight, they all have something bothering them, they all have moments of doubt or confusion, they all question their love for each other and the lists goes on.  Not every relationship has every single one of these, but every relationships have ups and downs.  Its so hard when you have two people, esp the opposite sex, trying to live together and make things work. (I'm not for gays, I was just saying the opposite sex cause their so different)  A woman and a man think totally different and things that matter to a woman don't for the man, and what matters to the man, for the woman.  Sometimes it might feel like your roommates, because you get so used to everyday life and in a routine, but it doesn't mean you still arnt in love, you just need to spice it up or do something different.  Its so easy to take advantage of the person you are with, because you feel like they are always going to be there and they are never going to go anywhere.  If you have someone in your life whom you love.....just look at them and think of everything good you love about them and the reason why you fell in love with them in the first place.  Everyone changes every single year, so even if he/she doesn't do something that happened before, its okay.....they do something now that you love! :)

Last night I had 2 crazy dreams.  The first one was weird as all get out and even woke up hurting.  I had a dream that the ex bf wife shot me with a shot gun and I shot her with a rifle all at the same time.  The thing was, is we were walking around with gun wounds and I started to get underwear and my phone charger and whatever I needed, cause I knew I was going to be in the hospital for awhile.

The next one I had (I slept for 13 hours) was about the ex husband.....I cant even remember it all really, but it wasn't good.

Do you ever wonder why things or memories or people come back in your life when you don't even want them too or wasn't even trying too have them there?  I wonder sometimes if its a challenge from God or a test to see how strong I am, or even the devil trying to tempt me.

As you know by now I'm sure, by reading my blogs, if you don't know me personally, I'M A THINKER!!!! I never stop....I have no idea why.  I have been like this for as long as I can remember, I'm sure I was born this way.  I'm sure its because of the years, I have had bombs set off in my life and as much as I try to prepare myself for anything bad happening in the future, I always think of every scenario and most of the time, the one scenario I don't think of......happens.  I really feel like its just my way of preparing myself for emotional pain.  I remember one time, my ex bf asks me why I like physical pain or pressure and I didn't have an answer.  He then says....I think its because you had so much emotional pain in your life, that its a pain you can control and it makes you feel alive.  Well that totally made sense to me.

I really sometimes wonder if I'm crazy as people say I am.  I sometimes feel extremely looney, but at the same time I feel like I'm real.  I know people have gone through alot in life and they come out on drugs, suicide, or crazy......I can see why.  I am very blessed and I believe in Jesus Christ and He is the one who has been there and made me strong and hugged me when I was down and I give him all the credit for me holding up still.  Some things though in life scar you, your always reminded of something all the time.  Its balancing it and trusting God that it will all work out according to His plan and its very hard to trust someone elses plan at times.....its human for us to feel that way.  We ourselves want to always think we have control over our own lives, when in reality, we don't.  It took me a long time to accept that fact!!!!

I had a horrible control issue with anything and anyone.  I catch myself at times, trying to have control over a matter or an issue and when I get frustrated or mad that its not going the way I want....is when I sit back, breathe, and remind myself that I in fact don't have the situation in my hands.  Then this burden gets lifted off and I'm good.  I know over the years I carried alot of burdens on my shoulders when I should of just given it over to God in the first place and I could just lived my life with more happiness.  Its recognizing and learning that gets us far in life!!

I know I have went on like 10 subjects....I think my mind didn't get to think because it got so much rest that its all catching up  now, haha!!!!  or maybe I just need to eat and relax for the day and then get my work out on later.  :) 

Tired as all get out

I have 13 minutes before work and I'm bored.  I actually woke up an hour later than I normally do, so its going to be one of those days.  If I'm already dressed and ready to go, then just imagine what I look like, considering I lost an hour.  I don't care though.....I'm freaken tired. 

I stayed at the gym till 2am this morning.....the club next door was gone before I left.  I'm so mad at myself, but that's what I get.  Working out gives you so much energy and I WISH I was a morning person and it didn't take me forever to get dressed or I totally would work out every morning, but Ive always been a night owl.

If you haven't checked out my other  blog, you should read it.  Its definitely been a working process to lose weight, but totally worth it.  The rush when your done, is like a high.  I'm on that high for about 2 hours afterwards.  I know I said I wouldn't talk about me working out on this blog, but it really is something I recommend if you are ready for a lifestyle change.  One thing I suggest is start off slow.  I'm still just walking on the treadmill and I plan to do that for maybe the first month.  Now don't get me wrong, I walk fast....in fact, I start off fast and I work  myself up to an incline.  Last night I walked an incline 80% or more of the workout, going all the way up to 15% which is the highest. 

Each time I work out, I can go farther and time goes faster.  I cant wait till I can work out for 2 hours and be okay with it, but like I said, I'm starting off slow.  I can feel my body pushing out more energy and since I walk most of the time, I can feel my legs getting stronger and more flexible.  I was talking to one of the workers last night and I told him that I want to eventually go on the other machines, because I know they burn more calories, but I'm not ready yet and I know that's okay! 

Ive been thinking about my balance that I had talked about in the previous blog and its still a hassle for me.  I really need to sit down and make a schedule for me, so I can get everything that I need to get done in the day, done.  I don't have alot, but my room has more clothes on the floor than I normally do and I haven't folded the towels yet and really have no excuse.  I need to drop off a clients purchase and I haven't done that, and also pay my taxes and a bill that I keep delaying and I definitely don't want to mess with the IRS.

Its time for me to go....I hope everyone has a great day!

Balance in my life

I went to go work out and there was a butt load of people, so Im back at home, waiting till about 10pm and then head out over there.  I just cant get into working out around alot of people or standing next to someone while I work out.  I get in this mode and I know I will get distracted if people are around.

I have to admit, cause its been bothering me, but I have been really grouchy lately.  I know I havent been as close to God as I should, reading the Bible, or going to church like I used too.  I have no excuse, I really dont.  I have noticed, I have been angry alot, cussing more, and doing things that I never have before that Im not proud of.  Im really not proud of myself and I watch people who know me, look at me funny, cause they dont understand why Im so angry or mean.  I feel like this has came out of no where, so now Im going to try and get back to reading the Bible that I never finished and praying more and hopefully go to church.

This is what happens with me....I get focused or driven with something that I forget or drop off everything that I used to do.  I need to learn balance in my life, I really do!

My trip to the Lake to walk

 Since it was so pretty yesterday, I decided to take the dog to the lake and we walk around it.  I had some breath taking views of the sunset and had to take lots of pictures.  I love my camera phone and how it takes pictures.  All of these pictures arnt edited....just natural beauty from God!