Sometimes on this blog, I get skeptical at what I should write and what I shouldn't, because at the end of the day, I really don't know who all reads it, but since this is my blog, I'm writing how I feel.
I cant help but say that I'm still a little bit in love with the ex boyfriend. I have a connection with him that I really don't think 80% of people walking this earth has ever had with someone. Even though our whole relationship was in sin and not healthy because of the situation we were in, that connection hasn't gone away and I have prayed a thousand times for it too. The sad thing about it all, is I thought this past year that it was all me, and maybe me having a struggle with letting go or a reason to not fall in love again or whatever it may be, there has been alot of reasons that might have crossed my mind. I tried to block him numerous of times out of my life and would go months without talking to him or seeing him and the pain did get better. Somehow, someway, he always came back in, even if I didn't want him to be and the moment we see each other in person, everything bad in my life goes away. He told me things of how he felt and I had never told him this, only close friends, and it was the same exact thing as I how I felt. We have this magnetic connection that we cant explain. He has told me that no matter what or where in life, he will always be in love with me, and I have always felt the same for him. In fact deep deep down, I wont get close to another man because I feel like, how can I give myself to someone if my heart really isn't 100% over someone. I don't think it would be fair to that other person.
Our situation really does suck though.....hes engaged to another woman now and I still know in my heart hes not for me. So how does that work? Why is it that we both feel the same way, but yet there isn't a chance we would be together? Ive thought....are we just not letting go? Maybe I'm not......but hes in love with someone else, so why does he still feel that way with me? Maybe its the devil, with lusts and trying to mess us up??? So why have I prayed a thousand times and that connection wont go away? Why is he happy in a relationship and is moving forward, nothing is getting messed up on his part? Is this a one in a million thing we have and we just need to accept it and move on? But yet, why are we both standing there looking at each other, loving each other, and yet, confused on why we still feel this way?
I don't think there are answers. If the two people who feel this way, cant even come close to an answer, I cant imagine someone who either never have felt this way towards someone or been in this predicament to have an answer. Most people who I have talked too, honestly has never admitted to feeling how we feel towards each other, towards anyone in their lives. I know what is between us is rare and it might fade or go away one day.....I don't know, even though he says on his part it will never go away, but whatever it is, its real, because with us in a relationship, out of a relationship, talking or not talking, we both still feel the same way towards each other.
I really hope the man I'm supposed to marry one day, that we have the same connection that me and the ex do. If not....its going to suck, because it will always feel like something is missing.
I really think its just time that I back off, breathe a little and work on my goal that I set for this year. I am honestly happy that he is happy, because he deserves it. Hes had it rough for awhile and alot of things didn't go in his favor when it should of, and I feel like now hes getting what he deserves. Ive seen his fiancee and I think they look cute together and make a happy family. I'm not too worried about myself and my happiness, considering my focus is not on a relationship or love right now, but I'm focusing on me and my self esteem. I know everything is going to be okay and we are all going to live our lives and make memories with whoever is on our life.
I'm not bitter towards anyone and I'm not mad at anyone. I actually want both my ex's to be happy with whoever they are with, I wouldn't wish anything bad on anyone, and I really mean all of this. Ive had some of my friends look at me like I'm crazy for not being mad or wishing bad things on some of them, but I think about it like this......I wouldn't want them to do it to me.....I wouldn't want God to allow something bad happen to me for having a bitter heart or wanting bad on someone else......
I know all of us who are single, have our moments where we look out and think that everyone has someone and is happy and in love. When in reality, they all fight, they all have something bothering them, they all have moments of doubt or confusion, they all question their love for each other and the lists goes on. Not every relationship has every single one of these, but every relationships have ups and downs. Its so hard when you have two people, esp the opposite sex, trying to live together and make things work. (I'm not for gays, I was just saying the opposite sex cause their so different) A woman and a man think totally different and things that matter to a woman don't for the man, and what matters to the man, for the woman. Sometimes it might feel like your roommates, because you get so used to everyday life and in a routine, but it doesn't mean you still arnt in love, you just need to spice it up or do something different. Its so easy to take advantage of the person you are with, because you feel like they are always going to be there and they are never going to go anywhere. If you have someone in your life whom you love.....just look at them and think of everything good you love about them and the reason why you fell in love with them in the first place. Everyone changes every single year, so even if he/she doesn't do something that happened before, its okay.....they do something now that you love! :)
Last night I had 2 crazy dreams. The first one was weird as all get out and even woke up hurting. I had a dream that the ex bf wife shot me with a shot gun and I shot her with a rifle all at the same time. The thing was, is we were walking around with gun wounds and I started to get underwear and my phone charger and whatever I needed, cause I knew I was going to be in the hospital for awhile.
The next one I had (I slept for 13 hours) was about the ex husband.....I cant even remember it all really, but it wasn't good.
Do you ever wonder why things or memories or people come back in your life when you don't even want them too or wasn't even trying too have them there? I wonder sometimes if its a challenge from God or a test to see how strong I am, or even the devil trying to tempt me.
As you know by now I'm sure, by reading my blogs, if you don't know me personally, I'M A THINKER!!!! I never stop....I have no idea why. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, I'm sure I was born this way. I'm sure its because of the years, I have had bombs set off in my life and as much as I try to prepare myself for anything bad happening in the future, I always think of every scenario and most of the time, the one scenario I don't think of......happens. I really feel like its just my way of preparing myself for emotional pain. I remember one time, my ex bf asks me why I like physical pain or pressure and I didn't have an answer. He then says....I think its because you had so much emotional pain in your life, that its a pain you can control and it makes you feel alive. Well that totally made sense to me.
I really sometimes wonder if I'm crazy as people say I am. I sometimes feel extremely looney, but at the same time I feel like I'm real. I know people have gone through alot in life and they come out on drugs, suicide, or crazy......I can see why. I am very blessed and I believe in Jesus Christ and He is the one who has been there and made me strong and hugged me when I was down and I give him all the credit for me holding up still. Some things though in life scar you, your always reminded of something all the time. Its balancing it and trusting God that it will all work out according to His plan and its very hard to trust someone elses plan at times.....its human for us to feel that way. We ourselves want to always think we have control over our own lives, when in reality, we don't. It took me a long time to accept that fact!!!!
I had a horrible control issue with anything and anyone. I catch myself at times, trying to have control over a matter or an issue and when I get frustrated or mad that its not going the way I want....is when I sit back, breathe, and remind myself that I in fact don't have the situation in my hands. Then this burden gets lifted off and I'm good. I know over the years I carried alot of burdens on my shoulders when I should of just given it over to God in the first place and I could just lived my life with more happiness. Its recognizing and learning that gets us far in life!!
I know I have went on like 10 subjects....I think my mind didn't get to think because it got so much rest that its all catching up now, haha!!!! or maybe I just need to eat and relax for the day and then get my work out on later. :)
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