A Standers Affirmation

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

- Author Unknown

rejoiceministries.org

Been having meltdowns lately

I was having a good day....slept in, got dressed, felt pretty, went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks with my friend and her son and then went to dinner and then went and walked around Fantasy of Lights. I got home with them and it hit me. It was the devil. I was missing my ex bf and it all came crashing down on me. I was missing my husband but was mad cause he was with her. I was thinking about New Years and how alone I'm going to be and then my friend was talking about it being okay, and sometimes you go through things and events alone. But I don't want to be by myself for New Years. I don't want to ring it in alone. I have always made plans or was going to be with someone or people for New Years. I make plans for any event. Its just how I am. I mean Christmas wasn't big, but enjoyable cause I had my grandpa there. I don't want to stress and worry about something so small, cause I am blessed. My friend was telling me how I worry and stress over the little things. Its true!!!! I mean, my life could be sooooo much worse. I could have cancer, or my grandpa could be dieing, or my house could burn down or my car not run. I do understand that and I do thank God daily for what he has loaned me in this life. I feel an emptiness inside, but I know I have God. I know it could be a lonely issue, cause I am used to a warm body, holding me, loving me, being there for me. I know this time in my life I need to be alone. I want to be alone believe it or not....meaning, I don't want to be in a relationship, but with God and God alone. I guess I just wish I had someone there at all times. Just knowing that would be helpful. Like if I had my mom, I know if I needed a hug or a shoulder to cry on, I would have someone, or a sister or dad or brother or anyone. But I don't. I have my grandpa, and he is there, and he will hug me and pray for me, but its that love relationship like from a mother to a child, or a husband to a wife, is what I'm used too. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have my grandpa in my life. I take care of him and he takes care of me. We are a team. I guess its the nurture of a person that I wish I had.
I had someone tell me today, that God must really think I'm special for putting this trials before me. That I must be strong in His eyes. That made me cry. I have faced many trials in my life and had many good times. I know this book that I'm supposed to write will be a testimony to many people, and it will be about my life, but more focused on what God has done for me during those times.
I was just crying out so much earlier that I was getting all chocked up. Believe it or not, with Cass and Mark in my life, I can text them and they both will pray for me. They both were concerned and ask me what was wrong. For the 2 people who I love so much, and sometimes I don't think they care, I know they do! It makes me feel really good inside. Still makes me feel loved even tho, they really cant or wont be a big part of my life. But that's okay, cause God needs to be the biggest part of my life. I know the devil is after me and I know God is just scrapping me clean and making me a new person. I really think hes getting all the old and bad off of me and shaping me and forming into this new person. It hurts, but its showing my true colors and my weaknesses. I know the new layers will be stronger than ever, but right now is the hard part. I know God has a plan for me. My friend told me today that I am where God wants me to be at this exact moment!!!! I was like man......this stinks.....lol. Walking with the Lord can be so hard at times. I always thought it was easy, but I don't think I was walking with him as much as I need to be. Temptation and the devil is always there, but God is bigger. I do rebuke the devil all day long. He knows my weaknesses. I will not let him win!!!!!!!!!

Rough Day

I haven't been sleeping good. When I say I haven't been sleeping good, I mean I sleep weird hours and then when its time for me to get up, I'm tired cause I couldn't fall asleep the night before. I have been actually happy and content the past week. Today was a rough day. I went to work, but seemed like everything went down hill from there, but it was still a good day for me at work. I get home with a horrible headache. I do find out that I am getting the dog that we picked out at the humane society, which they needed to come by and look at our fence. But today I missed my ex boyfriend. Last Saturday on Christmas Eve he said he missed me and I told him I missed him too, but I didn't hear from him since. Which is okay. Then I got really mad at my husband today for everything hes done to me. I really got angry and didn't want to be with him and just wanted my divorce!!!! I know this is the devil. I know God wants me to fight for my marriage and I know hes bringing back the emotions from my ex because I know I'm not supposed to be with him. But it was still a hard day for me. Kinda feeling depressed, but still can feel Gods love around me. I do know I need to be single right now, which in my deepest heart, I really don't want to be with anyone. I do feel lonely at times and miss companionship or just the everyday of knowing you can go someone to the store without trying to find a friend. I know God has a wonderful plan in front of me and I know I'm going to be poured with blessings as long as I stay on His path and seek His face. I know the devil is going to bring me down and try to convince me other ways, but I must be strong and be faithful!!! Please pray for me.....

Starting my book

I'm starting my book. I think!!!!! Ive started and its so hard to remember everything in your life. I write and it flows out, but then I miss something and have to try and squeeze it in there. I think right now would be a good time for me to at least start my book, while I'm waiting on God.

Please pray for me!!!!

Interesting website

http://www.encouragingmen.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=49&Itemid=55



This is an interesting website that I found last night. It actually is for men, but I read one of the books last night and it helped me out. I love that it has KJV scriptures and explains what God wants in a marriage and to forgive and that divorce isnt the way out. I know God can restore our marriage!

Having faith

During this time of my life, I cant have anything but faith.

I need faith with:

*Trusting God that He will restore my marriage and change Marks heart
*That God will take care of mine and my grandpas needs
*That everything that I have gone through will be a big testimony one day
*One day I will have the children and the family that I desire
*Putting and keeping God first
*That God is enough


This new journey in my life is a fight!!!! Its something worth fighting for even though I don't see how it will unfold. I know God has put this fire in my heart to pray for Mark and for our marriage. I cant give up on someone because he sinned. I know God can restore his heart and make it clean and Mark can repent. I haven't been perfect either and I know I had to go to God and repent. The waiting part is the hardest. I want Mark to be that Godly man that I need. I need him to lead me and love as Christ loves the church. I need him to want to have the desire to learn about God and have us as a family learn and grow in God. I want God to be number one and always number one. I want us to pray together. I want us to raise our beautiful babies up together to God. I want him to look at me and know that I'm what he wants and no one else. I want him to love me as he loves himself, if not more.

This is where my faith comes in. I know waiting is going to be the hardest part. But I know during this time is when I can learn and grow closer to God. Its not in our time, but Gods!

New season

Its official!!! I am in a new season of my life. Cass and I broke up, but we both agreed God was telling us we arnt meant to be. I'm glad that we didn't hurt each other in this. We are trying to remain friends, even though everyone tells me that its impossible to be friends after you are in a relationship.

Within 24 hours after Cass and I broke up, I got sick and ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. Its weird how it all came about so fast and I didn't understand then why, but now looking back I can see why. When Cass and I broke up, I immediately started to search God and have him back in my life. When I was with Cass, I knew I was going against Him and I couldn't face God because of guilt. Well after he left, I needed God. I had to take time off of work to heal and in this time, I have really got closer to God and closer to my Christian friends. God has put this fire in my heart to fight for my marriage. I don't see how its going to work, and I'm not even sure if I want to be with him, if I could fully trust Mark again, but I'm doing it, because its in my heart. All this stuff has been put before me everyday, about infidelity and about God changing hearts and even watching Fireproof movie. The same night I felt to wear my wedding ring again which was really weird to me, since I haven't worn in since May. I know God knows the choices Mark is going to make and he knows if we are going to end up in divorce or not.

My life right now is just waiting. I'm waiting on God and praying that I go down the path He wants me to go down. Its no fun being by myself and not having a mate or someone there for me everyday. I'm honestly not looking forward to not even making love to someone. I love having someone around me, telling me they love me and spending time with someone you love. I'm not used to really being by myself, but I know God has put it in my heart to have this time to focus on me and God. I know God is there and I really want God to be all that I need and want. I then know then I can give me to someone and have a healthy relationship and not depend on them so much.

One day when talking to Dani Miser, Author of the Book, "Single woman, seeks perfect Man", God really just was talking through her to me. It took me awhile to "feel" God and I know its because I still had my walls up and also I learned that God wants us to keep going to Him. But in that day, God overwhelmed me and told me that I am going to write a book and everything that I have gone through in life will touch many people. I know the book will be about me and the things I have faced, but its going to be about God and his love and trust and faith. I pray that God will reveal to me what it is I was made for. I know everything that I have gone through is a testimony. Even when I was living in darkness, that can be a testimony. I now can even relate to Mark and what he is doing. The devil always makes things seem good and feel good, but its all a lie. If you really know Jesus and have accepted him in your heart you can feel God tugging. At one point I even was waiting on my heart to get hardened, so I wouldn't feel the guilt. But God never left my side. He also knew I was too weak to get out of the relationship and so he touched Cass's heart. I miss being in a relationship with him cause he was such a good man, but at the same time, I never could see "us".

I do hope whoever reads this, that you pray for me and the struggles that I know I'm going to face. The devil is already after me and tempts me everyday and also gives me the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I pray that I stay on the right track and not stray and that I strive to do Gods will and what he wants me to do in life. I pray for my marriage and that God can restore our hearts and our love for each other. Thank you!