bump in the road

I was doing so good. I was strong, happy, enjoying life, worrying about myself and my grandpa. Then something happened. But its all going to be okay. I feel like I just hit a bump in the road. I need to put it behind me and move on. I'm giving this small bump to God and I know he will put peace in my heart. I have to just let some things go. I wish I didn't know information that I do know. Sometimes I wonder if I got rid of my electronics, how life would be. You wouldn't have to know everyone's business, you wouldn't have to know whats going on and who's going where or doing what. You also wouldn't have to tell people your life and business. That's why with this post, I want to share with you a bump in my life, but I'm not sharing what the bump is. Its not a big deal, only if I allow it to be. Its something I have no control over and cant fix, so why worry about it? But I worry about people and especially the people I care about. Please just say an unspoken prayer for me and my bump in the road. It would really mean alot to me.

I dont get it

I think its best, which I have been doing it all year, is not research people. Because when I do....I stress out!!!! and laugh!!!! and then wonder!!!! and then question myself!!!!

I mean, I dont get peoples actions. I dont get what is going through their head. Why do they do these things or people to try to satisfy themselves. I am simply waiting on God to direct me in my life. I wondered about the 2 men that I have been with. I wonder the actions they are doing now, why they were with me. The lifestyle they are living now, is not the one we lived when they were with me. I question if it was all fake. I question if it was real. I dont understand. Like, serisously, I DONT UNDERSTAND. Thats all I can say. Ive been sitting here repeating out loud, like a looney bin.....I dont understand!!!! Its almost 4am, and I dont understand!!! Why do I care? Its like, I do and I dont!!! I dont care, cause its your life and your problems and issues!!! I do, cause I once cared about you and I hate to see you go down hill. I need to just stop and pray. I dont want to think about these people. Im living my life and loving it!!!! I enjoy my freedom and my time with God. Please pray for me!!!

????????????????????

I want to give up on you. I want to just move on. I get tired of fighting. I get tired of hoping, that one day, you will change. I don't get it. I don't get, how you live this way and feel okay. You actually believe this is what you want and that your happy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe deep down you doubt yourself. But theres nothing I can do. I feel like you are so deep in sin right now, that your scared to just walk away. What are you going to lose? Your always going to have this battle, as long as you live this way. You are always going to want more of earthly things to try and make you happy, and one day, it will click. Everything that you tried to satisfy you and all the pain and hurt you could of avoided, will all make sense. Its God who you need and want. But your going to have to hit rock bottom for yourself. It may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, it may be 10 years from now, I don't know. But I know you will.

I think the difference between my story and yours is, even though when I was living in sin, my heart cried. Even though, I didn't speak to God, I cried for him in my heart. I missed my relationship with God and I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I justified it, by you leaving and her leaving him and us being lonely and going through the same thing together. But I knew in my heart what I was doing. I knew that I was going against God. He talked to me everyday and I didn't respond or listen. But when I heard Him, I cried. I had prayed to God at the beginning of Cass and I relationship, for God to change his heart into feeling the same way as mine, which was, we wernt supposed to be together. I didn't want us to hurt each other. And did you know, that God answered my prayer........7 months later. But he did!!!! I pray for you everyday, and I know its not going to be instant. I wonder sometimes if I'm praying for the wrong thing. I do pray everyday for you to repent and turn to God and have the desire to live for Him and to get back on track. I don't even pray for us to get back together everyday. As a Christian, as your wife, I want you to be close to God FIRST!!!! I want you to live for him, not for me, or for anyone, but for Him. Its hard to see someone you love and care for, spiral into a destructive lifestyle. Why is it, that everyone can see it, but you cant? Even when I lived in sin, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Look at you!!!!! Just stop and look!!!! You don't have any Godly friends. You don't go to church. I'm sure you still pray, but I cant see you having a relationship with Christ like you used too. Who are you? I admit, when I lived in sin, I turned from all my Godly friends, because I was guilty and wrong. But they were my friends, because when I walked away, they were there, welcoming me back with open arms and with prayers. Even if you walk away, from everything and none of them stay, then who were they to you anyways?

You can have this lifestyle. You can make the devil proud, cause I know your not making the Lord proud. I wrote you a letter, and explained everything. If it hasn't clicked by now, or if you don't feel God tugging on your heart, then I really wonder your salvation. I even learned in church, if you do something wrong and you don't get that instant feeling of guilt, then he said, you better check your salvation. Because the Holy Spirit lives within you, and it tells you whats wrong and whats right. Why live this life of guilt or misery? You can sit there all day and say your happy. But you and I both know there is something missing. Its not me.....its God. Its the peace of God within you. Let me say this....its worth it. I'm at peace no matter what happens with you, or with my life. I am at peace cause I have a relationship with God and I'm doing His will!!

Now the devil may be saying to you, GOOD FOR YOU RACHEL!!!! But, that's the thing.....the more your going against God, the more your allowing the devil to manipulate you into thinking wrong things. I'm sure you hear it all too.

You don't love her
Remember everything she did to you, she didn't change
Why fight, that's going to take along time
Shes never going to trust you
Your happy here, she makes you happy
She don't tell you what to do, she lets you live your life
Why go back and live in HER house
You want to move, and shes never going to move back home with you
Now you can go to the bar or drink as much as you want, and don't have to hear it from her
Y'all wernt meant to be, y'all had to many struggles

Am I right or am I right?

Ive heard them too!!!!! But then I simply open up the Bible and it tells me different. I want you to know, that your not hurting me anymore. Your actually hurting yourself, and I feel bad for you. That's why I encourage you with Gods word and with what I have learned, because I care for you. I hate seeing you live like this, because you are worth so much more. But like I had said before.....theres going to be a time, when our divorce is final, and Ive moved on, and I'm not going to be here for you, waiting on you, praying for you, like I am now.

I will give you the gift of Eternal Life!

I will give you the gift of Eternal Life

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

Sin is a cruel and deceptive master. it promises pleasure, and when people obey, at first it feels like freedom. But in reality, sin only enslaves and depletes. It takes, but it does not give. In fact it takes and takes and takes, earning the sinner the only wage it ever pays--death. Sin seduces its slaves to disobey me and then disappears, leaving sinners to perish.
But I am the Master you were made to serve, I do not take from you, nor do I need you to work for me. I intend to give to you--to give and give and give. And what I give is gifts, not wages.
There will never be a day when I will stop giving more new joys to my people. I will never run out of gifts, ceasing to be a great Giver. It will take an eternity for me to exhaust the riches of my kindness toward you in Jesus Christ.

I have clearly earned eternal death, yet in your generous grace you have given me the free gift of eternal life. I know that I will spend eternity enjoying more and more of the wonders of your grace...

This is one of my daily devotions.....Alot of us forget how powerful Satan is and once we give in a little, he takes alot. But no matter what we have done or doing now, God can turn it all around, if you have trust and faith in HIM :)

Fun day!

I had such a fun day. I woke up a little earlier than needed and got ready for church. I'm sick, but still had this huge desire to go no matter what. God has put this desire in my heart to go to church and to learn, have fellowship and worship him. My class today was even awesome and we got to talk about stuff that I have gone through (when I shouldn't of) and we all had some things in common (like marrying people off the Internet, lol). Maybe I should learn something from all this.....hmmmm......lol

Well then we had a guest speaker today at church and he was so much like me. He liked to talk fast, be barefoot and got off topics all the time. Which in turn, I was laughing so hard with his jokes. We had the same sense of humor. :) We had 30-50 people get saved today at church and then a bunch of kids from this past weekend got baptized. It was just a glorious day.

My bestie and I left church and headed to lunch, had a blast!!!!! Went window shopping and rented some movies. I came home, cleaned a bit, did my nails and watched the movies. I just had a fun, relaxed day. It went by so fast. My friend and I spent 3 hours together and didn't even know.

(So I wrote this Sunday, but have been busy and didnt want to be on the comp, so Im now posting it!!! :) Sowwy!!! )

The first picture is all the color shirts are teenagers :) I loved it!!!!
I want my kid to be involved in the church like this!
The second picture is how many people went down and got saved today!!!

God amazes me

Today started off okay, then it kinda went downhill. I woke up early to do my bible study which was good. Got ready for work and then my sickness started to get worse. I knew I had a long day at work, but I knew I need to toughen up because I needed the hours. When I walk in they are bombarded. I am automatically put on the register and for the next hour am just cram packed. Its okay, I like to stay busy. But then my boss tells me that I need to get 3 credits or shes going to cut my hours. I didn't think it was possible. I didn't feel good, really didn't want to talk to people, but it had to get done. So at lunch time, I say some prayers that hopefully I can get what I need done. Actually, also this morning in my prayer journal, I prayed for credits today too. God came through. Not only did I get 3 credits, but got 4 and my 2 best friends came in and saw me today. I tell my friend Rebecca the first time she came in, that I was having a bad day and needed prayers. She then turned around and did something wonderful for me. So wonderful and thoughtful that it made me cry at work. She worked a full day at work, came by to see me, went home and pushed her mower to my house and mowed my yard. I have a HUGE yard!!! She knew I couldn't do it, when I have been wanting too, because its gotten so high, but she did it!!! AND then, turned around and brought ME drink at work. I hope God just pours blessings on her and her life for that. I couldn't ask for a better friend. We have been so close growing up, had a fall out for 5 years, and now are the bestest of friends.
At work, when I got my 4 credits and it was the end of the day, (also we won free movie tickets), I went to the back to clean up, and just cried and praised God. I was really having a hard time today. I was at a hard place with my life. Had alot of emotions going on, alot of thoughts in my head. I wasn't doubting God, but was just wondering why I was facing this in life. I really feel like I failed. But this is out of my hands. I cant control it, I cant fix it, I cant let it bring me down. When God created me, he knew what trials and heartbreaks I would endeavor. He knew every time that I would fall, He knew when to pick me up. I never want to leave Gods side, I never want to stray from him again. I'm more at peace with no one in my life and not knowing whats going to happen, to when I had someone in my life and thought I knew what would happen. I'm at peace, because I give God all the power!!! I know that he wont fail me, he wont leave me, he wont forsake me. Any human can. Any human can leave, die, lie, cheat, steal, stab you in the back, but God is always there with open arms to love, comfort, hold you, give you peace, protect you, bless you and hold your hand through the storms. If your blessed enough to have someone there to give you that extra comfort, then consider yourself blessed! But don't lean on that too much, because one day it could crumble. Always make sure who you lean on the most and who wants you to lean on them. God always wants your full attention, your praise, your love, your trust, your faith, your worries, your stress, your pain, your problems, your emptiness. Even when we are at our lowest low and don't think we can even raise our face up, God is there with his hand under your chin, raising it up to glorify him!!!! Its up to you (and me) to always put God first and just wait........watch all the blessings he will bestow on you. He amazed me everyday!!!!!!! God bless my friends!!!!!

Becoming unattached

I was sitting in the movie theatre watching "The Vow" tonight with some friends and was just thinking of you. I was thinking of the man that you were and the man that you have become. I understand people change, but to not to this extreme. If this is what you want, then have it. Take it, live it, love it, because I can feel me slowly becoming unattached to you. Maybe this is why God wants me to wait. Maybe this is why God wants me to have my time to myself to reflect on who I am and who I am becoming. Maybe this is why God wants me to remain a faithful wife, to see that my husband wont change and wont be who he was or even better of a man. To not having regrets later on in life, wondering if I could of done something or waited longer. There will be a day, when God says, Its time. Its time to move on with your life and start a new chapter. Its time to meet the new man that I have prepared for you. One day, I wont be your wife waiting on you, praying for you, hoping that you would stop living this sinful lifestyle and you will be on your own.

I actually wrote this during the movie. I don't know why it came to me, but it did. So much, that I didn't want to forget.

"I feel myself slowly becoming unattached to you the farther you put yourself in sin. Maybe its time God is allowing me to slowly pull away so the pain wont be as painful."

The farther your going against God, the farther away I feel from you. I cant even feel you anymore in my heart as my husband. I cant imagine what God must feel. The good thing about this, is I'm at peace with it. I refuse to be in a relationship and especially a marriage where my husband is doing everything against God.

I hope one day, you don't wake up and realize what life could of been like. What it would of been like if you would of came back and tried. I know I wont have those feelings. The day you moved out and I still told you that we could work our marriage out, you left. A year later, I told you, I am willing to fight for us and our marriage, your still gone. I can feel my time slowly getting close to the end and I'm feeling God preparing me for something else. I can only put so much into this marriage alone and if I'm not getting any help or effort on your part then theres nothing. It takes 2 to be in a marriage. I am just totally putting all my trust and faith in God and I know in my deepest heart that He has a plan, a wonderful plan for me, because I am following and obeying him.

I will continue to pray for you!

hmmmm

Ive just been wondering and thinking what God has in store for me. Wanna know something weird? I'm wearing jeans now. One day I got up, tried on a pair of jeans, took em off. Saw another pair of jeans, took em off. Looked in a different drawer so another pair of jeans and put em on and loved it. I wore em to work. I felt good, felt different, felt out of my comfort zone but got complemented on alot and it made me feel good. I liked getting out of my comfort zone. I liked trying something different. I liked walking by a mirror and seeing something different. Its something as simple as wearing something your not used to wearing, that can change your day and attitude. I always get in this faze with things. Ill wear skirts forever, Ill wear polka dots for ever, Ill wear leggings for ever, Ill wear black and white forever. But for some reason, since Mark left, Ive stepped out of my comfort zone. Ive slowly been turning into a new person, Inward and outward!!! My relationship with Christ is the closest its ever been and I want to get closer. I still struggle daily, where I don't talk to God as much. I want him to be the only one who I turn to everyday. I want to talk to him all day long. I know once I slowly stop talking to him during the day, I easily get distracted and that's when I fall from his closeness. I try and read his word everyday. Sometimes I get behind and I catch up, like tonight, but that's okay. Now that I'm caught up, I can blog. I also kinda had to stop talking to a few people, cause they distracted me from staying close to God. This world and everyday life, is so easy to fall from God and to just live for you or your loved ones. But I never want to do that again. I always want God number one. Even the person I end up with, I want God to be number one in theirs. I want us to always help and remind each other, who's first, when everyday living distracts us.
My life has been blessing after blessing when I put my trust and faith in God. He amazes me everyday with his love and him providing for my needs. I even sometimes feel like I fail when I buy something I might not need, but want. Actually that guilt has been kinda on me alot lately. But I read today where God says, not too, but to focus on his unfailing love, for we will always fall short and wont be worthy of his love and grace, but that he loves us so much, he forgives us.
I know in my blogs I might repeat myself alot, but I just write whats on my mind. I sometimes get mad at where my life is. I don't get mad at God, I get mad at my situation. I don't understand, but at the same time, I'm at peace with it. I know God is teaching me something. I know one day I'm going to look back and be like, ohhhhhhhhhhh, I see and understand why I needed to go through that. Its hard knowing that your husband is with someone else and that he don't want to be with you or love you, but yet wont get a divorce. I really put in perspective the other day, what I really wanted. I was thinking.....

Do I want a divorce??????
Yes, So I can move on
Marks never going to change
There's someone else out there that is better for me
I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again
what if he does this again?
what if he can never be happy with me?
There's a reason why he left
Am I what he could ever want?
Will I ever be happy?
Do I want kids with him? What if he walks out on his family?

Then I was like NO
Ive spent 11 years with him
He was always there for me
We have 3 babies together
He moved up here to be with me
My husband is just fallen for the devils lies
My husband can change if he wanted too
I can trust him with Faith in God and Marks willingness
Can I throw away all this time?
This isn't what God wants
I don't think Mark knows what a divorce actually does to your spirit

I know as human we all think of everything. A divorce isn't a small thing. Its a life changing thing. Its something you committed for the rest of your life and because of one or two people, it can totally crush peoples lives and dreams. When we stood up there in front of God and everyone, we said vows. Life long vows, that people don't take seriously anymore. I don't care if you HATE that person that your married too, you should stay, because with God he can change and restore your heart.
You know, the other day, I was talking to my friend and she told me, that I need to watch Diary of a Mad black woman, said, I would like it. I watched it, but hated the ending. As much as her husband did her dirty, she should of stayed with her husband. Do you realize how many times we stray and turn our back from God, or we forget him all together and live our life, but when something bad happens, who do we normally run too? GOD!!!! Why should he be there???? In the Bible it says to live like Christ would live. What if God gave up on you? What if he got tired of you? I know we arnt God, and we arnt as loving, but still. There is a reason why God wants us to live like Christ.
Trust me, I want to just tell Mark to get the divorce and that him and her deserve each other. But at the same time, God is knocking on my heart and says, WAIT!!!!! I don't know what I'm waiting on, but I have faith!!!!! Its all I can have right now. I might be waiting on a divorce, I might be waiting on Mark repenting and turning away from his evil lifestyle, I might be waiting on something that hasn't even entered my mind, because God is that awesome!!!! But I know if God is wanting me to wait, then I shall wait, and I know it will be good :) Its hard though. Its hard knowing that hes off living his life and I'm being a faithful wife at home, just living my life to my fullest that I can.

I am worth the wait

I am worth the wait
:from Jesus

The Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled. Romans 15:4

I know that you would rather I do things on your timetable. But I love you too much to conform to your agenda. I'm inviting you into mine. And sometimes that will mean that you have to wait on me. This is nothing new. Throughout history, people of faith have always had to learn to wait. But I also know that waiting isn't easy. Waiting on me to act, to provide, or to heal is hard. But when you learn to wait patiently on me, something significant happens inside your soul. My promises become more precious to you and become the solid ground of your hope. You become more dependent on me, learning to trust that waiting in whatever frustrating, unproductive situation you are in will prove eternally valuable. Wait for me. Watch for me to work. I will, when time is right.

Lord, I am always in such a hurry for relief and resolution. Teach me to wait patiently, without complaint, calmly trusting that you will do the right thing at the right time....

Gods blessings

I am just amazed at God taking care of me lately. Every time I need his help, he comes to my rescue. Just like today....I have been worried for a week about me being $70.00 short in my bank account. Mark filed for taxes last Friday and I was sure it was going to take at least 2 weeks, nope....I just happened to look at my checking and it was there. I'm not going to be short and I can get stuff that has been much needed, just like basic cosmetics.

Before that, I didn't know how I was going to meet my bills last month.....I cried and I told God I trusted him and had faith that he would provide. Within like 5 minutes, my work calls and told me that a girl walked out and if I wanted more hours. I told them YES!!!! I ended up getting like 60 hours those 2 weeks, when normally I get around 20. God has been taking care of our financial needs. I am praying that God will lead me to a job soon that I will enjoy and love and be good at and will be a good paying job. I know I get nervous and feel like I cant learn and get overwhelmed, but I know and trust that God will lead me to a good job.

Many posts

I have written 2 post the past two day and they didn't make it. Something happened and they are saved to my blog, and I can post them, but I think God is telling me he didn't want me to post them. So I have them. I know actually for a fact God doesn't want me too. Its my human thoughts, but not my spiritual feelings. I know we arnt supposed to trust our feelings or emotions and that our heart can deceive us.

One of them was about Valentines Day and I wrote one like an hour ago, and it was basically me venting. I cant let this out. I am still going through the emotions. Its just hard to sit here and watch God build me, knowing that something LATER is going to be great. My life isn't shabby now though. I'm actually enjoying being single and being alone. I actually turned a couple of dates down for Valentines Day and spent alone with me. Jesus was my Valentine and it was great! I'm usually the one who wants all the works and has to make it perfect each and every year with each holiday or event, but Ive realized, that's not important. Its really, what you have that God has blessed you with and the people in it. I had many people reach out to me yesterday who love and care about me. I was really overwhelmed with love and joy.

Ive realized over the past year, how much Ive grown. How much Ive realized the person I want to be. I can look back and see how selfish I was and how it had to be my way all the time. I realized that I wasn't an easy person to live with or be with, but now I'm really easy and laid back. I don't really stress that much and if I do, its about finances, in which I have to stop and give it all to the Lord. I had someone tell me the other, I'm really easy to talk too. Ive learned alot to let the other person talk or finish talking before speaking. Its all about growing and turningg into the person you want to be with. I'm so glad I have had this time in my life for myself and God. I know this is a crucial age to be in. I'm an adult, not a kid. Time to start a family and really seek in my heart what I really want and need out of life. This is the time, for me to grow and be happy with just me.

Mark and I grew up together. We were each others everything. We didn't have time to grow and find us. We didn't go out on our own and find what we really wanted with just our own head and thoughts. We had each other all the time. I don't regret anything, but am appreciative of the time Ive had now. I hope one day I can make a man happy and he can accept me for me and can see who I am now and not who I once was. I hope he has a deep personal relationship with Christ like me. I want to submit to him and have him the leader in our own and the strong father figure to our kids. That is my dream. I didn't have dreams after Mark left. I felt like they all got ripped from me and they did. My dreams are different now, better!!!! I have God and I want his will in my life and I want to have a family raised the right way with God first. I know God has someone out there for me and I cant wait to feel that connection again and to have someone to snuggle up with. But until then, its me and God and I'm happy :)

Psalms 27

1The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? The Lord has taken away my fear for my life!! He is my strength and his strength is what keeps me going everyday!

2When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. The people who have harmed me, who have deceived me, who has taken away my husband, who has cursed me....I no longer worry about. I have given them to God, for they will have to answer for what they have done or is doing one day!!

3Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. I have faced many trials in my life. When life alone felt like my own war against me, I will be confident, for I have Lord on my side!

4One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. I know this world shall too pass and its not earning the worldly treasures, but its the ones in heaven. I will and want to seek after God and his will for my life!

5For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. I feel like God has placed me on this rock, this firm foundation, which is Him. I was in quick sand, sinking fast and he pulled me up and set me on his strong rock foundation. God has taken my troubles and has put me under his wing!

6And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD. My enemies, I don't hate....instead I pray for. I praise the Lord all the day, for he has brought me out of darkness and has placed peace in my heart!

7Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. I pray daily to the Lord, I cry out to him the desires of my heart and my hurts and troubles. But God answers me, and tells me to wait!

8When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. I seek the Lord and I try and stay eyes first on him, I don't want to lose my face upon his! I want his will to be done in my life and the path he has set before me. I don't want to lose focus.

9Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. I strayed from God. I turned my face from God because I couldn't look at him with guilt. He never left, I did! But he brought me back to him, for he knew my heart was crying for him!

10When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Humans will forsake us, they will let us down, they will leave, they will pass away, but the Lord never leaves.

11Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. I want to stay focused on God no matter what. I want his path to be set before me and me go down it. I know there will be people coming from all different directions to stir me wrong. I want to be strong enough and have my faith so strong, that it wont defeat me.

12Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. This is another example of the devil trying to get people to stir me in the wrong path. But the Lord is stronger and bigger and he will deliver me from my enemies.

13I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. The Lord is so good, so loving that we cannot even imagine the Love that he has for us. He is of life and of living, to rein with him forever is something I can only imagine!

14Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. My favorite!!! God has told me to wait, which is hard!!! Its a daily battle, but I do have faith and trust in Him that he has this plan for me that no one can see. I know right now, he is doing exactly that!! He is strengthening my heart. I have learned so much about the Bible and what the stories of God means. I have learned who I am, and I learn daily who I do and don't want to be. The devil tries to bring the old Rachel back up and I have to push her away, for she no longer exists. The devil loves to see the old me come up, because its not of God and of hatred. I want to be the submissive wife that God has and is shaping me to be. I cant wait till one day I can be the wife and mother that I have grown to be. That's my dream right now!! Brings a smile to my face.

I read Psalms 27 tonight in one of my 4 Bible studies that I do daily. It just totally touched me. Each scripture verse popped out. I feel stuck sometimes and I know God tells me to wait. Though when I feel like to wait, I'm that much closer to 30, and I'm that much closer to divorce and I'm that much closer to having to start over and finding someone and get married and have kids. I think that's going to be forever and I wanted to have my kids before 30. I know God can do anything, but I hate that I'm at this part of my life, knowing I'm probably going to have to start over. I feel like my husband is so far in sin right now. My friend said, she feels like he walks a line and sometimes hes dragged over to Gods side and then the devil pulls him back over to his side. But I know he doesn't love me anymore. I think he has tattooed in his head the old person that I was or she has convinced him how horrible I was and that I will always be the same. But who knows....he may never see the wife I could and can be. Maybe I will make someone happy and maybe and hopefully he can see who I am and hopefully never see the old Rachel. God has been shaping me and molding me and I cant wait to show who God wants in my life the woman that I have became in Christ! Hopefully it will be soon!! :)

Going thru the emotions

I was good....like I still think I am. But I can see I'm starting to go through the emotions. I want a divorce one day and I visualize a man that who loves me and who actually wants to be with me. Then I think of all the time I invested in my husband and its hard to let that go. Why does he choose to live this way? I wish I had someone there fighting for me....I wonder what that feels like. But he is choosing wrong, and sometimes I think, he will never change. He will always live his life in destruction and one day he will wake up and realize and then it will be too late. But I cant think of him like that. He is choosing this. He is making his own decisions and going down the path that he wants to go down. I need to focus on me and what will make me happy and walk the path the Lord has set for me. Maybe it is time for the divorce. Maybe its time to just remember what we had and just move on. Maybe its time to let go of something that may never be there. I cant make him love me. I cant make him want to be with me. I cant make him fight for us and the family we could of had. I cant control him and the choices he makes. I don't know why I care. I don't know why God wants me to wait and wait and wait. I know there is a reason and whatever the outcome may be, it will bring me happiness. Its just hard. I get lonely and especially with Valentines Day coming up and our 5 year and 11 year anniversary is coming up. I mean, what do I do? What do I say? Those are big numbers!!! How can he throw it away??? How can I turn down men who want to be with me? I get asked EVERY SINGLE DAY to go out, or they wish they could be mine, or come over and I dont! I have no desire, but deep down, I want to feel loved and needed! I want to kiss someone and someone to hug me and hold me, who would want to cuddle with me. He dosent care about me. I think if I got cancer again, he might even be happy, then he wouldn't have to deal with me. I know that might be mean to say, but I do think that. I dont think he would even be there for me. Its sad to think that someone you spent almost half of your life with, dosent want to be in your life. Marks nice to me, dont get me wrong. Hes there for me if I needed a little help.
I just hope and pray that one day God can give me someone who WANTS to be in my life. Who will never leave no matter how hard the circumstances get. That will stand by my side and wait on me to get better if Im sick or needing help. I would of never left Mark side, no matter what. I sometimes think I loved him too much. I wonder if my love will ever fade with him. Im standing right now with our marriage, standing here, alone, waiting and hoping and praying that he will come back. Sometimes I wonder if I want him to come back. What if he never changes? What if he will always cheat? What if he always will lie and keep stuff from me? What kind of marriage or relationship will that be? I hate days like this when my thoughts get the best of me.

My thoughts

I have been working so much lately. In fact, so much that I was so sleep deprived the other day that I fell off of a ladder at work. I was okay!!! My co worker even took my hours away cause she said I need to get some rest!!! I got almost as much as the managers and that's rare!! I have been so blessed though, cause that's exactly what I have been praying for. Today I was off and got alot of much needed stuff done, but I need to mow again and I guess I might do that after church tomorrow!!! I don't know!!!

But Ive been thinking alot lately about my future. I noticed God has taken away any desire or love of man away except towards my husband and I don't understand.

I think of the kind of man that I do want. I still want a big guy that's tall and just so focused on God. I want him to pray before making any decision and us both praying as a couple for that decision. I want him to read the Bible everyday and to pray and seek God all day. I want us to pray together and listen to Christian music and make sure we go to church every Sunday without an excuse. I want his family to love me and accept me and love God also! I wonder if my husband can ever be that man. I wonder if my husband even wants to be that kind of man or wants to be with me. Hes so far in sin and has surrounded himself with Un-Godly people, I don't see him ever getting away or wanting too. I know God can do anything, but I wonder if my husband will always lie and cheat behind my back. I always wonder if he did this to me during our whole relationship. Maybe our relationship was a BS relationship, maybe it wasn't real or true?! I wasn't perfect, but I did put my whole heart into it. I'm always scared to get hurt again from anyone else. I'm worried when I do start dating if they will be shady or eventually cheat on me or keep stuff from me or not be honest. I sometimes think maybe I'm just supposed to be alone. Maybe when I get in a relationship I always somehow put them before Christ without realizing it. I don't want to do that. I want God to be number one, always.

I'm just at this stopping point in my life. My husband never wants to talk about divorce. Deep down I don't either, because I think the longer he takes, maybe a miracle can happen. But sometimes, I just want him to hurry up so I can move on. I know my husband doesn't love me anymore. I think he does stuff for me and helps me cause he feels guilty and he does have a big heart. But I'm pretty sure he has no feelings towards me. After everything that we had went through, and him being there for me when my mom died and come seeing me, to being every night in the hospital with my cancer, and holding my hand during our babies, the devil has yanked all those caring, loving feelings away. I guess the devil won!!!!! My husband let the devil win another broken marriage and family. I wish my husband was strong enough to see that God is so much bigger and if he would just see and have faith and trust in God that He can do anything. But my husband wont. My husband wants to move back to San Antonio and be around his family, which I don't blame him. I know he misses them. Who knows....maybe him and her are meant to be. Maybe they will get married and have babies and grow old together. Maybe she gives him everything that he wants and can satisfy him in which I couldn't. I hope and pray that maybe there is a man out there who can see my heart. That he can see that the old wife that I was wont be that way to him. I hope he can see that I have grown up emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I hope and pray that he sees my beauty, that I'm real!!! I am who I am!!! I want him to love me, through my trials and heartaches that this is me and I hope he accepts it and loves it, because they are all lessons in this life and has made me who I am!!! I want someone who can stand by my side no matter what may face us. That with Christ on our side, we will always be strong!!

My thoughts can get the best of me some times. But I'm okay!!! I really am!!! I just wonder what amazing things God has for me, for being obedient and being patient.

I wonder

I wonder all the time if you will ever change.
I wonder why God is wanting me to wait on you.
I wonder why you have chosen to live like this and your okay with it.
I wonder why you cant see that Ive changed.
I wonder if I even want to be with you.
I wonder if we were ever supposed to even be together.
I wonder why I still love you.
I wonder why I would still want you to fight for us.
I wonder why I still want you to be the father of my children.
I wonder how you became this person.
I wonder if you were always this person and you just acted different around me.
I wonder how you cant look at her and know that God is not blessing your relationship.
I wonder how you can even look at her, because she is not of the Lord.
I wonder why you think you can "fix" her.
I wonder why you blame everything on me, when obvisously you have more issues than me.
I wonder why I pray for God to change your heart.
I wonder if we could ever work through this.
I wonder why you quit on things when they get a little hard.
I wonder why your lazy and havent gotten me a divorce.
I wonder if you still love me.
I wonder if your doubting the divorce.
I wonder if you are just dragging me along the ride cause you want your cake and eat it too.
I wonder if God knew you couldnt lead me in Christ.
I wonder if you ever would want to be a Godly man.
I wonder why you have surrounded yourself with unGodly friends.
I wonder the day when God tells me to move on.
I wonder......