Tell me its not so....

I was filling out my divorce paper work tonight (yes 2 days before) and Mark realized that I needed to go get something notarised 7 days prior to the court date.  Well, its 2 days before.  So in the morning I have to call the court and see if they can let us have the court date and let me get it notarised that day, or if we have to make another day. 

 Let me just say this....I have mentally and emotionally prepared myself for weeks now, for this week and the upcoming days.  I have accepted that this is going to happen and have made plans afterwards.  I'm ready for the next chapter in my life and eager to see what comes my way.  I wont lie....I cried tonight.  I could feel my face was flushed and I was upset.  I don't want to wait.  Mind you, I feel like that's all I have been doing, is waiting and waiting and waiting.  I feel like my whole life....is just a big ball of WAIT.  I'm waiting on my divorce, I'm waiting on a job, I'm waiting on who my next husband will be, I'm waiting on a family, I'm waiting on my book and me starting and feeling led to how to begin. 

I was talking to a friend tonight, well 3.....they all said the same thing.  My friend told me, its Gods plans, not mine and my friend Tiffany wrote this:

Sweet girl, God sometimes does these things to teach us HOW TO WAIT. Listen to the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. God has been teaching me a LOT about waiting on him. Waiting on a job, waiting on a mate, waiting on His will in HIS timing. God's got this...worship while you are waiting.

 I've learned that NOT WAITING and just trying to push things through on MY timing vs. God's timing- usually makes things suck way worse. I promise sweetie, God usually has MAJOR awesome stuff on the other side of the wait...I've waited 3 months, on my knees for a job...(Not easy when u are a single mom trying to pay a house payment), God JUST blessed me with a job...and it was worth the wait and the pain and the struggle...and I know when he shows me the man that I am supposed to be with...he is gonna be worth the wait too!!! ;) hang in there honey! I'm praying with you!!!!

 Then my friend Sharla wrote me this:

Rachel Rachel....RACHEL!!!! Calm down my sweet friend! You are having some STRONG emotions right now & you know as well as I do that everything happens the way it suppose to & we do not have control. I know you were mentally ready this week.....BUT God MAY have other plans.....Let Go & Let it unfold the way it's suppose to sweetie!! It all be just fine whether it's this week or not.....you know in that "in the big picture" of your journey this is only a small bump in the road. It doesn't make a difference what day it occurs....."in the big picture".....AND as well as I know you, I think God is letting you learn that this is not in your hands right now. You may not ever know "why" or "why not" but you'll be just fine either way:)
I love you dear....here's the verse my son wrote for me when God wanted me to "chill out"
Psalms 27:14
Wait for the Lord. Be strong take heart, & wait for the Lord!
He has a plan & a purpose.....you just have to trust Him.....& sometimes that just means "blind faith"

 Remember.....our FEELINGS are never consistent.....they are always changing (up & down)! But what you know to be true....GOD'S PROMISES.....are always the same & never change
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord! Be strong, take heart & wait for the Lord
Nothing can be done different to change the fact that for some reason you didn't get this done.....oh well....all you can do now is take it as it comes & continue to move forward!
Faith makes things possible....not easy!

This is exactly what I needed to hear.  It was a reminder from 3 different people, that its all in Gods hands, not mine.  You would be surprised how I don't control anything anymore.  I am an easy and go with the flow kind of girl now.  Even my close friends will admit that I don't stress over anything anymore.  Its a very freeing feeling.  My emotions might have changed tonight, since its been like 30 minutes of me writing this and me talking to my friends calming me down.  I guess in the morning I will find out what will happen and if we wait, then I guess I'll wait.  Its not going to kill me.  


Want to know something crazy with these 2 friends that wrote me those things?? We would of never of met if we both didn't go through the same thing.  Its like 3 people in 3 different worlds coming together and feeling the same thing and supporting each other with God as number one in our lives.  Divorce is something that we didn't all 3 want, but in the long run, I can look at all 3 of us and its like our souls has come out from us and we are enjoying life and we are excited about the plans that God has for us.  I can see both of these women and see so much love, life, and spirit within them and how they touch others around them.  I'm honored and blessed to have them in my life.  The other friend of mine is a newer friend of mine and he has gone through the same thing.  I feel blessed to have these people in my life and I hope we will always be close and see where God leads us in this life.  


I feel so much better now and is reminded "its okay, everything will work out for my good".  I shall see in the morning what the damage is and go from there.  I need to remember God has had this all planned out for a reason.  I may see his reason later down the road or I may never see it,  I just need to trust and obey and have faith!!!!! 

Beginning steps of my book

I havent had much time to really write lately.  I have been blessed that some co workers are going on vacation or they have quit.  I know that sounds bad, but that gives me more hours.  I need the extra money and I know God will provide.  With me being busy and keeping up with chores and everyday life, my mind has been racing.  This week is going to be a busy and emotional week.  My divorce is going to be finalized on Wednesday and I'm working alot of hours.  Also Im having a girls night out this next Friday, which I'm looking forward too.

Today though was the craziest thing.  I didnt go to church, but decided to watch it on TV.  I also have been a little behind in my bible study because I have worked till closing every night and I have been exhausted.  In fact thats the reason why I didnt go to church, because I went to sleep without even thinking of taking a shower.  I was off 2 days and had plans on catching up on everything and they ended up needing me those 2 days. I worked more hours in those 2 days than I was scheduled for the whole week.  I feel blessed though.  So today I come home after taking my grandpa to church and watched the service on TV.  The preacher is talking about through the trials, give God the glory and there might be someone saved out of your trial or devastation.  It instantly reminded me of my book and my trials.  So I start writing in my prayer journal and praying about my book.  The other day I felt what I should call my book.  Though I have told a few people, Im not 100% on it, because there are other books called it.  It fits though, it fits everything that I need to say.  Well in the middle of my prayer, I felt the need to go to the back of my journal and start writing down my chapters.  I get to the last chapter and it hit me........Im going to write another book going off of this book.  I wont lie......I teared up with what God was revealing to me. 

The crazy part is, I was sitting there on my bed thinking of this book.  I was thinking if Mark had never left me, if I had never of gone through what I did, this book wouldnt be this book.  When I was sitting there just trying to get a clue on chapters, I instantly had this thought of my last chapter being called, "My second chance".  Its about me starting over and having a second chance on this life and doing it right, the way God wants me too.  So there was a flash of my second book that came across me, that the next book would be showing and sharing what God has done for my life up to that point. 

I know Im not the perfect blogger, writer, or word things the right way.  Sometimes I even re-read what I write and dont understand what Im saying.  I pray that I can write better and can be a better speaker in public.  I really feel God pounding on my heart with my book more and more each and everyday.  I honestly dont know what Im doing, where Im going to fully start or how long its going to take.  I sometimes wonder if this is just be wanting something, but no.....I really feel like Im supposed to write a book.  Even when Mark and I was together, I kept telling him I was going to write a book one day.  Well, I think this is the time in my life that I need to start.  Im not scared, I know God will open the doors and have the people in my life that will get this done and accomplished.  I feel honored that I have people supporting me and wanting to help me.  I also have some people who would love to read my book.  I didnt realize that many people kept up with me.  I know I doubt myself and my ability to get this done.  This is not a small thing and I know there are so many steps and its a time consuming thing.  If you only knew what God is making my heart feel like.  Its just overwhelmed, but in a good way, and these ideas of the direction God wants me to go.

 I still dont know what audience Im going to attract with this book.  Think about it.....Why would someone walking in a book store want to pick my book up and read about my life?  Usually you have an interest of what you are looking for when you go into a book store.  Im not a famous person, so I know no one is going to want to just read about my life.  Its not based on a simple thing, but my life trials.  But this is where I have to give it to God and he will direct it the way He wants it to go.  You know what???? Thats the most wonderful thing....is I dont have to worry about it....I just simply trust and let God take control of the situation. 


So I ask all you friends of mine and strangers that read my blog.....to pray for me and for guidance with this book.    Much love, Joy Rachel

How I want a guy to feel about me (us)

*120 facts about me (had to add more)

*I LOVE to dance and still dance around my room like a 14 year old

*I love beats to songs or just beats in general

*I'm a neat freak, to the point where my mom never told me to clean my room when I was a kid

*I'm organized

*I don't like change

*I take care of my things, to where they last forever

*I'm a hopeless romantic

*I'm a fighter
*I over analyze everything that I think of 

* I can pop my tongue louder than most people, including men

* I cant clap louder than most people

*I'm very athletic and love sports

*I'm crafty

* I retain muscle, even if I don't work out

* I am a visual learner

*I really like to see the good in people, even if they screw me over

*I want to race a car going over 150mph

* I love to sing, though I don't do it in front of people

*I want to sky dive

*I wanted to be a choreographer growing up

*I always wanted to write, make, and sing a song and just have it (dance/electric/dub step style)

*I want to write a book, I want to be an Author

*I am an entrepreneur

*I taught myself how to tie my shoes

*I taught myself how to ride a bike

*I taught myself how to skate

*If I want something bad enough, I will do anything in my power to get it

*I love to decorate

*I'm an only child

*I dream of being a mother to a son and a daughter

*Most people that are in my life, have been in my life since I was a kid

*I'm an honest person

*I'm faithful

*My favorite color is white

*My legs wont tan to save my life

*I love winter/snow

*Christmas makes me smile

*John Mayer music puts me in a happy place in life when I listen to his music

*I'm proud to say I was made in the 80's (1985)

*I was Valedictorian in my class (though there was 2 of us) :)

* I have success in my blood and am driven for my dreams to come true

* I want to better myself all the time, but get to lazy to do it

*I make stories in my head to cry

*I struggle with  my weight
*I fear of dieing alone with no kids
*I'm scared to turn 30
*I smile after I say something stupid or mean :)

*I'm insecure
*I like to play stupid, so I can get away with stuff

*I hate my nose
*I love feather pillows

*I love to smile with my eyes

*I want people to see Jesus in me

* I hate my new gray hairs
*Ive always wanted to just get in a hardcore fight (I dunno why)

*I love kissing

*I love to feel the person I loves' arms around me, protecting me
*I cant use anyone else's pillows but my own
*I'm a jealous person

*I love, love
*I enjoy working
*I have 3 piercings and a tattoo

*I'm in denial that Katy Perry is an Illuminati
*If you lie to me, I doubt everything you tell me
*My best friend and I have our own personal business
*I'm a freak in the bed (shhhhh)
*I am a big pervert, but in a good way :)

*I love my eye makeup
*I don't keep up with the newest electronics (just doesn't tickle my fancy)

*I'm very competitive

*I wash my face every single night, I don't miss, I will wake up in the middle of sleeping to wash my face

*I only paint my toenails french style

*I like to follow the rules
*I love zebra print

*I want to experience life's emotions so I can help others

*I love my grandpa, hes the best man I have ever came across

*I wish I could talk to my mom about my adult life problems

*I'm a Big Brother fan

*I drive a Mustang
*I enjoy shooting guns (and watching men shoot) :)

*I can cry on the drop of a dime

*I like to joke around

*I like surprises (good ones of course)

*I love God with my heart and soul

*I want to travel to London

*I love the Spurs

*I have had the same hair style since I was in 6th grade (96')

*I'm a tease

*I like to play hard to get

*I want to be fought for and chased

*I miss my old life sometimes

*I can be hurtful with words when I feel threatened or am hurt by someone

*I can spell a big word but wont know the meanings to them

*I'm a fast learner 

*I love basic math (accounting/bookkeeping)

*I went to college (7 month program) and finished with perfect attendance

*In high school, the principal came to my house and dragged me to school

*At 16 my mom died of cancer

*At 19 I got cancer

*I have 3 babies in heaven, 2 boys and a girl

*I have big life changing trials every 3 years of my life for the past 9 years

*I love all kinds of music, except satanic

*When I'm determined to do something, I'll do it

*I'm hard headed

*I haven't had a soda since 2003 (represent c/o 03)

*Orange juice is my favorite drink, with sonic ice

*I love editing pictures
*I'm a night owl and get more stuff done at night

*Doctors make me feel comfortable

*I love taking pictures of myself in natural light
*I like to pop-n-lock

*I love talking to preteens, they are so cool (teenagers have too much attitude for me)

*I love to drive around and talk 

*I love to climb dirt hills and look at the lake

*I love to get out of town and visit new places

*I love fruits and vegetables

*I still want another big wedding again

*I want to marry my soul mate that God has for me

*I pray for the people I love and who have hurt me the most

*I love my name, Joy Rachel

A post from March 4th, 2011

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude.... ...

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

During the next 60 seconds, Stop whatever you are doing, and take this opportunity.

(Literally it is only ONE minute!)

All you have to do is the following:

You simply say 'The Lords Prayer' for the person that sent you this message:

The Lords Prayer

Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever.

Amen.

Next, send this message to everyone you know. In a while, more people will have prayed for you and you would have obtained a lot of people praying for others!

Next, stop and think and appreciate God's power in your life, for doing what you know is pleasing to Him.


If you are not ashamed to do this, follow the instructions!

Jesus said, If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before My Father'

If you are not ashamed, send this message... only if you believe.

'Yes, I love my God. He is my fountain of Life and My Savior.

He Keeps me going day and night. Without Him, I am no one. But with Him, I can do everything, Christ is my strength.' This is a simple test.

If you love God and you are not ashamed of all the great things that He has done for you, send this to everyone you know.

God loves you and watches over you everyday



I saw this on my facebook that I posted.....its crazy a year so later what we read and it still touches us and its what we need to hear....

Probably a weird post

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this.  Its nothing that I'm bragging about, but I'm proud to say that I got hit on.  I mean, I'm very insecure with myself.  I have been trying to lose weight and get a darker tan and change up my style a bit.  I don't put myself out there because technically I'm still married, and I'm not the type of girl to take the first move or push anything.  I like to be chased and fought for.  I think one reason why, is because I don't want to be turned down or maybe I read the wrong signals.  Just like what happened, I had to re ask my friend if he was hitting on me, when really I knew he was, it was clear. 

So I'm proud to say that I took it upon myself and called my cable company.  I noticed that all my friends had Direct TV.  They said they had a good price, that they have this and they have that.  Well I basically was paying as much as they were with basic cable.  Times are getting tough and so I called my cable company to see what they can do for me.  They ended up telling me all these bad things with Direct (I get it, they didn't want to lose business, but my friend also told me these things, so I know they wernt BSing me) and I upgraded to Digital Cable for a penny more a month.  Then, I decided to ask about my Internet....well I could get a package for $10.00 more a month and with wifi, so I did that, and then while I was on the phone with her, I decided to go ahead and ask about my home phone.  I got a good package, with all 3, all upgraded AND I save $20.00 a month.  Also, another thing is I pay $20.00 a month extra on my cell phone so I can get more GB to have Internet.  I can now cancel that, so I'm now going to SAVE $40.00 a month with upgraded and better stuff.  So I will have free DVR for a year, free wifi for 6 months and free Showtime After Dark for my Big Brother show for 3 months.  I don't have to sign a contract and when wifi ends in 6 months, its just $4.95 more a month, so nothing drastically huge.  Also, I know that Direct has been having problems with them losing channels to Viacom.......shows I watch, so I would be mad.

I had called and done all this on Monday.  They told me they wernt available Tuesday and Wednesday I worked and so Thursday they could come out.  Well, I cleaned and not just the simple clean, like spring clean.  I have no idea why.  I mean now I'm grateful I did, but I always get paranoid when I know people are coming over and if my house is clean.  Its pretty much clean all the time and  I never have anything left on the table or kitchen counters EVER.  So, I had told the lady that they could come out between 1 and 3pm., enough time for me to sleep in.  :)   Well, I set my alarm at 1pm, because who's going to show up at the time they are supposed to right?  WRONG!!!  I hit the snooze twice, 5 minutes a piece and then got myself up and ready.  I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, put some music on loud, and put my hair up.  In the time of putting my hair up, I hear my grandpa really loud over my music.  Here in my room stands my grandpa and one of the guys.  The guy has to be cute too.  I have no makeup on, no bra on and I'm wearing a tank and shorts.  GREAT!!!!!!  I instantly go, "I thought y'all were going to call before y'all were heading over here???"  He was like, "yeah, sorry about that".  He then asks me, " What are we doing?" I go "what?" He says, "what are we doing for you today?"  I'm like "Oh, I'm getting cable, Internet, and phone".  He says, "OK, the other guy is outside getting the stuff".  Alot of thoughts are running through  my head at this time.  I'm thinking, I look like crap, I don't have time to do anything, the other guy HAS to be an old, ugly guy, why doesn't he know what their doing for me,  and I'm thinking.....grrrrr....why didn't they call? 

So I hurry up after he leaves and change, put some tights on, a bra and just wore my tank top.  I try to hurry and put on makeup, to look somewhat decent.  They both come in and look around and tell me that I have a butterfly.  I'm at this point, have no clue what they are talking about, but then tell me that they are going to have to drill a hole and put a new port in.  They asked me if that was okay and I told them as long as they make it look pretty.  They kind of joked around with me with that, but then went ahead and went outside.  I put my makeup on and they started working.  The first guy that had came in, was talking to me and asking questions.  I talked back, but then I realized he was married, so I stopped in my tracks.  I knew I was not about to go there.  The other guy I could tell, really wasn't into me, so I didn't bother.  At one point though, we were moving stuff from under my TV so he could put the DVR there and set it up and he said, "your going to have to move unless you want me to sit on your face."  As big as a pervert as I am, I honestly didn't really mean this, but it came out, and I said, "you never know, I might".  Then he laughed and I wanted those words to go right back in my mouth where they came from.  That's what I get for talking before thinking.  So, while they were doing my Internet, all of a sudden a new guy comes in my room.  I even said, " wow, 3 guys to do this job?"  One of them said, "yeah, hes the pro".  Let me just say this.....When I first saw him and I saw him from the side, there was just something that caught my eye, I don't know what it was.  I saw him smile and that was another thing.  Then a little later he looked straight in my eyes and even his eyes were something.  It was the weirdest thing.  I have proof that it was weird, cause I texted my friend and told her about him. 

So its coming to an end (2 hours) and all the guys are just standing there, 2 standing and talking, 1 working.  Their all talking about their guns and gun shooting and  it was, oh so sexy.  The 2 men that were in my life, LOVED guns and when I saw my ex bf shoot a gun, let me tell you.........mm mmm mmmmm  :)  So I kinda add myself in there with me shooting guns and shooting an AK and that I closed my eyes, lol.  They laughed, but I decided to listen and watch and observe their talking.  I realized the first guy, the married one, was just dropping F bombs (in my house) and the others wernt.  Its sexy when a man can have a conversation with other guys and not have to cuss or impress others.  I could tell that these 2 guys looked  up to the one who came in last, the one with the eyes and smile.  So they get done, head out and when they hooked up my TV they told me that they just upgraded their system, so its going to take 30 minutes for my TV to accept it.  They  kinda told me what to do and I was like okay and they left.  I sit down to check out my super fast Internet now, (by the way, I went from 1.5 to 10.0 Internet) and it wasn't working.  I go to try and grab someone and one truck left with the 2 guys.  The other one was still there and so I yelled at him that my Internet wasn't working.  He comes in, sits down for about 30 seconds and laughs and then tells me what happened.  I asked him what it was and what he did and then he also showed me my new router box.  He told me what each light meant and what I should expect.  I'm not really sure if guys like a girl joke, but every time Ive been around a guy, they like that I'm real and kid around.  I try and make it not feel awkward when I'm around people.  Even at work, alot of people gravitate towards me and go out of their way to say bye to me or thanks for helping them, but I can see I'm going off track with my story.  So then he looks at the TV and noticed it still had a ways to finish.  I asked him if he could kinda go over the remote with me real quick, because I am learning DVR, recordings, guide, on demand, and other stuff.  The screen is white with words and numbers at this point so he just shows me with the remote.  Then he checks the TV status of the upgrade and then shows me with the remote while its still scheming through numbers. He has to turn the TV off and turn it back on and what not, and I didn't remember them telling me to do all this stuff.  I told him, I wouldn't of known. It goes through a set that we can use some of the channels.  So he wants me to try and use the remote and gives me a quiz basically of what he taught me.  Oh goodness, I stressed out, cause I forgot everything, lol.  Hence, me hating school.  So this guy, grabs my hand, directs me to which button I should use and help me press it.  He did this for about 15 minutes.  It was like, one of those, helping you swing a club in golf kind of a thing.  It was cute......it was obvious.  He couldn't of stood any closer without being on top of me.  He was basically directly behind me, to the side sort of.

I had told him a little of my situation and my past about being with Mark and us not together anymore.  He asked me how old I was and in turn I asked how old he was.  He told me he was 30 and I joked about me being scared of turning 30. We did the whole, he said something stupid, we laughed and I played hit him.  It was like high school, but it was cute.  It was just crazy how there was just something about this guy.  I don't think I'll ever see him again, I don't think were going to get married, its not like that, but maybe it was God showing me that I am interesting to some guys.  I do find it strange that all 3 guys that came were around my age.  I mean, I totally am not complaining over here, lol.  It was exciting for me!!!  I hope he wasn't married, because then all of a sudden, he would turn into a douche.  He didn't have a ring and he didn't have a tan line ring, but these days, that doesn't mean anything.  He didn't ask for my number or anything and its okay too, I was flattered, it made me smile.  It was a good kind of flirt.  One of those ones where it wasn't like really? or they try to hard....it really was slick and cute!!! I asked him at the end if he had other places to go too and he told me yes.  I told him, "oh no, I hope I didn't make you fall behind" and he just told me, "nah, its okay, I'm here to help, I'm more than happy too,  the others can wait."  awwwwwww  :)

When he left, he turned and waved goodbye.............

and yes I took pics without them knowing..........................I THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe

P.S.  Gotta love a man in uniform :)

Been reading

So I'm sure the majority of people who read my blog is tired of me talking about the same stuff.....but I'm sorry....I vent....and this is where I vent too.

So I'm reading Focus on the Family website just now and I read this....
Nevertheless, we feel that there are three situations in which the Scriptures make allowance for divorce and remarriage: 1) When the first marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation. Although a person cannot undo all the sins he has committed, he is forgiven for the wrongs he did before accepting Christ (see II Corinthians 5:17). 2) When one's mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner. Jesus states specifically that divorce and remarriage are acceptable when due to this kind of "hardness of heart" (see Matthew 19:9). 3) When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the believing partner. This does not refer to a temporary departure, but a permanent abandonment (see I Corinthians 7:12-15).

I mean, it couldn't be worded more perfectly with my divorce situation.  My friend had told me right after Mark left that his heart was hardened.  You do realize that when I was living in sin, I was waiting on my heart to get hardened.  I wanted it too, cause I knew what I was doing was wrong.  The good thing was, God knew my heart better than I did and He knew I didn't want that.  He knew I wanted to live right and I beat myself up over it, all while living that way.  I really cant grasp the concept of how someone who knows God and lived right, can stray so far from the shore and not feel lost or lonesome.  I cant talk for him or for anyone else, for all I know, he might.....but I do pray for him.

I struggle with my failed marriage.  Just like the song that I posted before this...."For my good".....I know God has a plan and its going to turn out good.  I know God hates divorce and yet while I'm not the one who officially wanted it, I still feel guilty that its happening.  I feel like I broke my vow with God, I feel like I failed.  God knows my heart and He knew that I was willing to do anything to fix my marriage and to make it work.  Even when I was fighting earlier this year for my marriage, I didn't know what to do, or what was going to happen or how we were going to make it work if he did come back.  All I knew, was good had placed it on my heart to fight and God knew that I could only do so much and that's where my faith in God was placed at His feet.  I knew God could change his heart and work in his life if Mark and I were supposed to be together.  I remember even thinking, "What if I'm fighting for this man and he never comes back?"  "Why would God want me to fight if Mark was never going to come back?"  Those two questions, really stood out to me and I asked myself alot during that time if there was even a reason or purpose.  I cant sit here and say that it was useless, because it wasn't.  I can honestly go through this life knowing I did everything I could.  I'm proud to say that I took the time with God and I, to fight for something that I believed in.  Even though the outcome might not of been exactly what I was hoping for, there are no regrets.  I don't know what God was doing or working on in Marks life during that time, but that would be for him to share.  I just hope Mark can one day look back and see how precious our marriage was to me.  I hope he can remember all the good times and good things I did and not dwell on the negatives or bad choices I made. 

Its getting closer to the divorce date.  The time has really flown by......

OH MY GOSH!!!!

Lyrics to For My Good :

(feat. Jai)

[Trip Lee:]
You ever felt like stuff just never goes your way?
Like everything's against you?
Well, God never promised He would keep me away from all those trials
If I want perfection I'm a have to wait till later
And I ain't trippin' 'cause He has promised
That He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him on a call accordin' to His purpose
Let's praise Him for that
Yeah

It's 'bout that time to let them know this how we feel about Him
It's 'bout that time to let them know this how we feel about Him
It's 'bout that time to let them know this how we feel about Him
Yeah, yes sir, let's go

I know this life may bring, pain and a broken heart
I've shared my share of tears, plus I got lonesome scars
I've had my ups and downs, my rises and my falls
So sometimes people ask me, how I survive it all
I tell 'em 'bout my Lord, let's get it understood
My King controls it all and He does it for my good
My Savior bought me, then gave me new life, this in His name
Now that He got me, I know that He'll bring me through the pain

[Jai:]
For my good, You did it all for my good
You'll never put so much on me
When I couldn't take it, I know I can make it
'Cause everything's gon' be ok
Say it's all good, it's all good
It's all good, God You are are so so good
Say it's all good, it's all good
It's all good, 'Cause You know it's for my good

[Trip Lee:]
It's 'bout that time to let them know this how we feel about Him
It's 'bout that time to let them know this how we feel about Him
It's 'bout that time to let them know this how we feel about Him
Yes sir, come on, let's go

He ain't gon' give me nothing, if it ain't good for me
Sometimes I ask for something, that seemin' good to me
But my God is wiser, it's clear He really loves me
Sometimes He tells me "No! ", if not it will be ugly
How I'm gon' question Him? Deny my rest in Him?
He'll give us all things, He gave His son who bled for sin
My Lord is more than good, it's clear that He delights to give
Good gifts to His sons and daughters, all those who in Christ are hid

[Jai:]
For my good, You did it all for my good
You'll never put so much on me
When I couldn't take it, I know I can make it
'Cause everything's gon' be ok
Say it's all good, it's all good
It's all good, God You are are so so good
Say it's all good, it's all good
It's all good, 'Cause You know it's for my good

Through all your problems, give it to Him
You just remember that He's bigger than them
There is a purpose, there is a plan
You'll be much better than you've ever been

For my good, You did it all for my good
You'll never put so much on me
When I couldn't take it, I know I can make it
'Cause everything's gon' be ok
Say it's all good, it's all good
It's all good, God You are are so so good
Say it's all good, it's all good

It's all good, 'Cause You know it's for my good

 

 

 

My friend posted this on my facebook today and oh my gosh.....These words are EXACTLY what I have been talking about and what I have been feeling.  Sometimes I wonder what good is going to come out of my life and from all my trials, but I have been told by God, that he has a reason and a purpose.  This song is exactly what I needed to hear and right now in this transitioning of my life, its going to be my anthem!!!! 

This song is sick!!!!

I totally love beats and dubstep style music.  This is Christian music, which I love too, so both combined, tickles my fancy!!!!  I LOVE to dance and just.....beats.  I always have, even when I was younger I would beatbox....shoot.....I still do!!! I would always come up with beats.....I was like those boys doing it.....I would beat on stuff, beat on my legs.  I don't know what it is......another way God made me. :)

Thinking.....

I was talking to my friend tonight and was thinking about where my life is.  I hadn't talked to him in months and he was asking how everything was and what was new.  I had to think about it.  Usually he said, I would be chatting up a storm, but Ive just been reserved lately with my personal life and what my feelings are.  I think the most I share with people is what I write on here.  In fact, tonight I wasn't even going to write.  I was just going to do my bible study and go to bed, but my mind is racing. 

I  never thought at 26, almost 27 that this is where my life would be.  I'm literally having to start over and my heart yearns so much for a family and a husband.  I think everyday what my future husband is like and what hes doing.  I wonder what hes going to look like and how tall he is, and what his sense of humor will be like.  I wonder if he will love to work and I wonder what his family is going to be like.  I know one day I will see the big picture and what God was doing, but right now, I'm just in this transition and I hate it.  Wait....I don't hate it......I'm just in a spot, I never thought I would be.  I'm glad that these things in my  life has happened to me and the person that it has made me to be.  I'm happy that I have God on my side and I know that God will take care of me even if a man never comes in my life.  All I know is, I don't want to settle.  I want that ONE guy that God has made for me.  I do pray almost daily that it wont be forever till I meet him and can be with him.  I'm scared, honestly deep heatedly scared that I wont meet him or know who he is till like 3 years or more from now.  I just never wanted to be 30 and starting a family, but then I also didn't want half of the things that has gone wrong in my life to happen either.  I know Gods plan is not my plan and I know that I can plan all I want [what I want] and its not going to happen.  I know His plan is better even though at the moment I might not can see it. 

I just............am at this stage..........this transitioning stage.  I feel like I'm right at the part of the storm when its calm before it hits.  I'm not saying its a bad storm that's going to hit, I just feel like I'm at this slow transitioning stage where God is preparing me, before it gets busy.  I keep telling myself a part of a song I heard at church this past Sunday.....You (God) make all things work together for my good.......

I know the devil whispers sweet lies to me.  He tells me that I'm never going to get married again or that I'm never going to have kids.  He likes to refresh my memory of the two men I loved and where they are at in life and that I wasn't good enough for them.  He likes to tell me that everyone around me has someone and is or will have kids and I wont.  I have my discouraged moments and my moments of anger.  I'm human!!!!  I want people to know when I write that I'm real, that one post might be that I'm on top of the world happy, and the next post is I'm  angry or crying my eyes out.  I know I'm still going through the emotions.  Not so much going through the emotions of my divorce.....still have a few of those, but more of my life and the transitioning of it.  Its me knowing and accepting that this is my life and that I'm not really depending on anyone other than God.  I'm thinking about me and whats best for me and what I want and what I don't want.  I guess or I know that most of my adult life and even teenage years, I thought of me and Mark.  It was always what fit me and him and what WE are going to do and what WE are going to eat.  For once, I can just do me.  That was my New Years resolution, "I'm going to do me".  I'm not complaining.....I'm not complaining about my life.  I don't regret anything!!!!!!  Not a darn thing!!!!!  But if I had a choice where I would want my life right now.....it wouldn't be what it is now.  For instance....I saw a family photo of one of my cousins baby.  She got pregnant like 2 or 3 months after me.  Hes so big.....my baby would of been that big.  Its those moments where I get sad of all the what ifs.  My life would totally be different and I would of learned so much but in a different way.  Another thing I was thinking about was how alot of my friends got married the same year as I did.  I know 3 for sure off the top of my head, and I see them celebrating their 5 year anniversary.......I think its one of those things, even if I try and run away or try to forget, Ill always know in the back of my head.  Ten years from now, when I'm married and have new dates to remember and one of my friends celebrates their 15th.....I'm just going to know....that could of been me too. 

If you truly know me, you know that I over analyze everything.  I think with me being off alot past few days, Ive just been thinking alot.  Ive been working out and tanning and in those moments, I think.  Ive been thinking about the divorce coming to a close alot lately too.  Its one of those bittersweet things like I said before.  Its sad that a vow I took is coming to a close, but its time to move forward to newer and better things.  I know its okay to go through these emotions.  I'm not the type to hide how I feel and this blog is about me and my ups and downs.  Out of this blog, I want people to see how me,a Christian woman, IS NOT perfect.  I struggle.....I'm faced with temptations, I fail, I get back up, I fail again, I learn, I cry, I laugh, I trust God, I have faith, I have heartache, I'm eager on the future, I sometimes dwell on the past.  I don't want this to be a sugar coated blog......this is real....this is me.  :)   

Let Go - RED - Lyrics

I'm obvious into Red right now, lol, and I love this song too!!!!  When I listen to this song I think of the battle we have with Satan.  This is one of those songs where we listen to Satans lies and then when we see that its not getting us anywhere and we have hurt or caused us hurt, and we need to let go.  I feel like its us telling Satan.....LET GO!!!!!!  The tricky thing about Satan is he will tell you or convince you do something.....and you did it....then will turn around and tell you, you were a loser for doing it and broadcast what you did in your face and make you feel bad for doing it.  Satan is tricky, smart and evil!!!!!  Be careful!!!!!!  Let him go and let God :)

Also, I love the whole rock, screamo kind of music......lol.....that's what I get for the past 2 men in my life!!!!   :)

Ways God keeps showing me....

The past week I have tried to stay focused on God and not lose sight. I don't want the world to come in between my God and I, and what He has in store for me. I don't even want one day to pass by that I didn't spend my time with God and in His word.

I go to church today, which I have to admit, I haven't gone in 3 weeks. Last week I did watch it on TV and spend my time with that. I had no excuse, but it was just one of those mornings where I didn't feel like rushing to get dressed and ready. So me and the bestie went to church today and I enjoyed the message. It was really about the end of time, but I got nothing out of that, instead it was like God was talking to me directly out loud through the preacher. He touched on a few topics that had me speechless.

The first thing he talking about was our gifts. As believers we all have a gift and to each person, they are different. It might be one gift or multiple gifts, but either way with our gifts, we can use them to glorify the Lord and reach different people that maybe another believer couldn't reach too. I do feel like God has blessed me with gifts or with talents that I do recognize come from Him. I do love to sing and dance, but don't do it in a public setting....lol.....I do my photography, I'm good at sports, I'm good with decorating.....just some things that I have an eye for or a talent or gift that I don't take for granted. But with this being said, I know I'm not the best writer or know proper English, words or punctuation when I blog. I re-read what I write sometimes and I'm like.....what in the world are you talking about? lol God has been putting this fire in my heart for my book. I know I talk about it alot, but its so strong. Its getting stronger everyday. I'll be honest and say I really need to pray more about it and the direction God wants me to go down. I know that he will open the path way for my book to fall together and be published, if this is His will. I just need to get all the little puzzle pieces together and put them together. I know I'm not the smartest person out there and the best speaker or the best person to explain things, but I trust God and the purpose of me writing this book. I want Him to use me and the trials I have faced for his glory...........

Which that leads me to my next topic of what I felt God was revealing to me today at church. I feel like this book will bring glory to God. I don't want to this book to be about me. I want it to be about my life and what God has done in it. I want people to see my human side, my non perfect, troubled life and see all the good God has done in it. I want this book to give Him praise. I want people to see Him through me.

One thing that I prayed for last night, which I really don't say this kind of prayer, but I did, was I prayed for God to help show love to my friends, family, lover and to strangers. The kicker to that was, I put strangers in my prayer journal last night and this morning, the preacher said, "showing love to strangers". It just popped out to me. I would say that I'm nice to people I don't know. I'm nice until I get offended, but sometimes even then I push it to the side. I'm not 100% sure why this has been put in front of me.....but Ill take it and go with it.

The preacher also talked about watching people you know, especially believers going down the path of destruction and as you probably know, if you read my blog, that I talked about that the other night. He talked about if you see someone you know going through that, to not call them out, but to pull them to the side and talk with them. I know I hate to see people I love and care about choose to live the wide road to destruction. The two men that I ever loved, I feel have chosen that road and I pray for them every single day, but that's when I pray and let God deal with them. I know it was hard when my friends saw me go down that road. They prayed for me and shared with me everything I knew, but in the end, it was my choices. I don't regret that I did go down that road, I really don't. I have great memories, a love that I got to experience that I will carry with me till I die and I learned a huge lesson. I had officially popped the bubble that I had lived my whole life in and now I feel like I can share with the world, really all the great things God has done for me. I am slower to judge and quicker to understand. If you knew me before, you would know that I was little miss perfect. The little miss perfect that lived by the book per se. I wasn't perfect, but I stressed to do things right all the time and in turn ended up not being a good wife. Life really is this big lesson. I'm just glad that God has showed me the kind of person I need to be and He is still working on me. I know he will work on me till the day its time for me to go to my eternal home.

I just love God. I love His son and how he came and died for me. I love how he blesses me, each and every single month financially. I really dont know how I meet bills and have extra every month, but he meets them. I also pray for a good job and I know he has something lined up for me, when hes ready to give it to me. I have been living off of faith alone and that has took away all my stress and worry. I give it to God and I know that things will fall into place. It might not always be my place or my time or anything like that, but thats where trust comes in. I trust God that with all my trials and even my divorce that something good will come out of this. I trust God that there is another man out there for me, that may be more suited for me. I trust God that my book will be published when its time to publish it and I trust God that my bills every month will be met. I pray to God to not spend foolishly and to cut back on things. I still always have a little extra to do stuff with. I actually LOVE putting my trust and faith in God, because every day He shows me His promise and His promise is Him taking care of my needs.

I want to share a little story this week about Gods funny little ways and quirks. Last week I get an email from my Wells Fargo account saying that my transfer didn't have enough funds. I didn't understand because I never touch that account and so I called them. They told me that their policy had changed and that I had to have a certain amount of money to keep it or I will be charged a fee every month. I had a savings and checking and it rotated money in it and collected interest. Well, I went down there Monday morning and got my money out and cancelled my account cause obviously it wasn't something that I used. That morning on Monday, my hair straightener went out. I have had a feeling for quite sometime that it was going to go out soon, since I had it forever. So even before it went out, I had researched it and the cost of them now since Mark got it for me like 4 years ago and it was a nice one, so nice that he added insurance to it. So I had an idea of how much it was going to cost, but that morning when it went out, I panicked and was like, "I have to have a hair straightener NOW, what am I going to do with my hair???" I kept calm, prayed about it and I felt like God wanted me to wait. I got paid Friday and wasn't sure how much and what my bills were. I had kept the money I got at Wells Fargo in my wallet the whole week and didn't touch it, so then I could see what I needed to do with it, if it needed to go to the bank, savings, or a new hair straightener. So Friday comes.....I look at my bills and I was short $20.00 or so. So I was going to put that Wells Fargo money to cover and then I had some extra. Well, I also was a little behind on tithe, which I had the checks written out, but I didn't turn em in, because I wanted to make sure I had money in the bank for bills. (I know, I know, tithe should be first) I had thought to just put the extra money left over in my savings and just wait on tithe, but then reality kicked in and I was like....."Rachel, this isn't even your money, deposit all of it and then pay tithe!!!!" I knew God was going to take care of me, because he knew my heart was to give it to Him. Its Friday and I realize that leaves no money for a hair straightener......I go back to look for one on Amazon. God had told me to wait, so I thought maybe it was for a longer period of time since I waited all week and didn't have extra. Then at the bottom was a hair straightener brand new for $20.00. I made sure she was legit....called my friend to make sure it was a hair straightener and not the kit it comes with since it was so cheap, prayed about it and ordered it off of a credit card that had a little bit of money on. Now I do hope this is the hair straightener....lol. It has already been shipped, so in a few days I shall see. But I did felt led to buy it. If everything works out and its everything that I thought, then God is good.....he knew I could wait and get it cheaper. Just like in my life now, he wants me to wait. He already has told me he has this certain specific man for me, I just need to wait. I do hope and pray its not years from now when I meet him and fall in love with him, (for all I know I already know him), but its going to be in his time and when I look back, I know Ill see the big picture.

So again.....God has blessed me....even when it comes down to a simple ole hair straightener!!!! :)

Hymn For The Missing

This song to me is about our walk with God.  I feel like its God talking to us. 


Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

 When I turned from God, I would cry in my smallest voice for Him, I wanted my relationship with Him the way I had it before.


Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again

The truth is, God never left, he stayed....I left....I turned from Him and lived my selfish ways.....we all do....God reached out to me and delivered me out of sin.  I was alone, I was afraid, I was weak, but my heart was searching for what it was missing.  I waited on God, like I am waiting now.


I know this song can speak to alot of people.  We all have our battles, struggles, trials, issues, demons that we face everyday.  We all have strayed, we all have turned our back from God, we all are not worthy of grace, love and mercy. All God wants us is to worship, praise and believe in Him and His son Jesus Christ.  Having a close relationship with God on an everyday basis will give you such peace and faith and will help your life so much easier.  Don't run to thinking you can do this on your own.  We cant do this on our own.  Surrender to Christ....He will wrap his big, loving arms are you!!!! You can get on your knees and cry out to Christ that you want to walk with Him, that you cant do this on your own, that you  need his help!!!!  God wants us to want Him.  Surrender my friend!!!!!!  Surrender!!!

No title.....lol.....had to change it!!!

 

 {   I was done with my blog,and putting this picture up above.....I was also listening to Red, Pieces and when I read the line,"Sometimes He breaks our heart to make us whole", the same time the song said "I come to you in pieces, so you can make me whole!"  Just another way that God has been showing me what hes doing in my life  :)  }

I was talking to a friend tonight and he gave me this quote from the Bible that I always heard but never put together with where I am right now.... Matthew 22:14 says, "Many are called, but few are chosen".  I know I have been chosen, I have always felt that way.  I feel it now more than ever.  God keeps changing and molding my heart to see what He wants me to see.  The past 5 days or so, I just feel like a whole different person.  God is getting me ready for something big.  Its kinda scary, but with faith I'm not scared.  I'm more anxious to see what it is.

My divorce is coming to an end soon and Mark has been put on my heart alot lately.  Actually some of my close friends have been put on my heart too.  I read this tonight and these 2 people kept popping in my head as I read this.....

Matthew 7:13-14 ...'Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.' ... The majority of the called people (professing Christians) are heading down the 'broad' way, which leads to destruction. The narrow path is the only way to be saved through Jesus, and only few will find it. Think about it, many of the professing Christians in this world think that they can just believe in Jesus, turn up at their social club (church) a couple times and week to sing rock songs with "Christian" words, chat to their friends about the worldly things they did during the week, and be saved! They believe that you don't need to keep God's law anymore, that you don't really need to make any sacrifices in your life for Christ, and that you can carry on living a worldly life, "as long as you have Jesus!" Does someone living this way REALLY have Jesus? According to Jesus they don't and they are heading right down to destruction. Think about those two ways; one is broad, so it must be an 'easy' way, and the other is narrow, so it must be a difficult path. Which of the two is being preached in the churches today? The 'easy' broad way!

Of course, I don't know anyones hearts and where they walk with God and I of course am not perfect and have my flaws and struggles.  But I was made for a purpose just like everyone else.  Its one of those things, where you might have to turn off your phone, turn the TV off, turn the computer off and open up your Bible and read it.  You will be surprised, with reading stories of the past, even if its a story that isn't interesting to you, that when you read it, how close you can feel towards God.  The Bible is a very powerful book!!  That's another thing....I do a Bible study a night, where I am reading the whole Bible this year.  I can say, I'm over half way done with it...woot woot.  :)   But I was thinking when I fell behind in it.....what all did I put before my hour of time with God a night?  Was it a TV show?  going to a friends house?  talking on the phone?  Staying up late on the computer?  Why do we put so much time in worldly things, and cant even spend an hour with God???  Do you realize that  ONE hour a day, how much closer of a walk you can be with God with being in prayer and reading the word!!!!

Ive already thought about next year....I thought to myself, "okay, Rachel....your reading the Bible this year, are you going to read it next year?"  Ive always been told, every time you read the Bible or a scripture verse, it can be the same thing, but you can get so many different things out of it and its true.  Ive thought about maybe finding a study in maybe a certain book and doing that for a year.  But anyways.....

I feel like I'm "high on God" right now.  I remember being like this, when I was younger and I always struggled with seeing my friends live the way they do.  I always wanted to "fix" them, and I didn't understand when I would tell them the right way or what God would think of living, why they didn't change.  Now I'm older and clearly know better, but I can feel myself, as my younger version of me back in the day, is wanting to come out.  I get everyone has opinions and they all have their personal relationship with God and their walk with God.  We all fall short of his glory and we all stray.    I know it was hard for my good Christian friends last year to see me, go through what I went through.  They did what they were supposed too.  They prayed for me....they let me do what I was going to do, they backed off, and prayed for me.  My best friend had told me, that she knew she had to let me live this way, because she knew that I was going to grow out of it and wake up.  No one tried to force me or tie me down and change me.  They knew that I knew what I was doing and that's what I need to do.  Sometimes though, as believers, we need to be reminded that, "Hey, this isn't right", or "Hey, what does the Bible say about this?"

So my whole blog today, was supposed to be about me being chosen, because God REALLY laid it on my heart tonight.  When I start blogging, I just want you all to know, that I don't ever know what I'm really know what I'm going to talk about, but I have an idea.  I feel like God wants me to share what he puts on my heart and I don't really think that me going into detail tonight about me being chosen is what He has planned.

I just know that a couple of people have been put on my heart lately to pray for.  I feel in my heart that they are blinded or are starting to go down the broad path of destruction.  My initial reaction is to stop talking to them, because I'm afraid I'm going to be mean.  I'm afraid I'm going to come across preachy and judgemental, when I don't want to be.  I'm not even sure how I can come across loving and friendly.  One thing I love about Baptist preachers is, they get straight to the point....they don't play around and they don't make it look like its all smiles and rainbows.  Its simple, you either accept Jesus and go to the Heaven , or don't and go to hell.  Well, that's kinda how I want to say stuff and I cant.  Something I need to pray about.

I have rambled tonight.....I just have been thinking alot and studying about Gods word and asking God to show me what I need to do.  I had a lady come in today at work, a regular whom I love,  and said I'm glowing and I'm breezy, she said.  Its because my wounds are being healed.  I can feel God slowly healing my wounds.  Just like our human bodies when we get cut or split open, it takes time for our bodies to heal.  Well, these wounds that have been holding me down are slowly getting healed with Gods love.  There will always be a scar, but that's what makes us stronger and who we are.  Just like Jesus still has the scars on his hands and feet when he was on the cross.  Its a reminder of what he did for us. 

The past couple of years has been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  I will always remember this time in my life and take it with me.

Its 1:30 am and I need to do my Bible study before bed......so I am departing from this computer!!!!  Goodnight and Gold Bless!!

P.S.  I know I yoyo'd through this whole blog and it might not make sense........Hopefully you understand the message I was trying to get too and come across with.... okay, now its bedtime!! ! :)

July 10th

I feel like God keeps showing me and telling me to not worry about the future, don't fret on the past, that he has these wonderful plans for me.  I love how he reminds me all the time, because I have to admit, I get discouraged every once in awhile.  He just keeps showing me that all the trials have a reason and he will use me for all my lessons learned, heartaches, and down times for his glory!!!!  :)  

Thank you God for putting me through trials to be a witness to others....please use me that will most be beneficiary to you.  Please guide me down the path you want me to go down, so that people will see you through me.  

 In Jesus Name

Amen

Pieces - Red - Lyrics

What is on my heart

Ive been doing my bible studies lately and I love the state of mind it puts me in.  It really shuts out the world and into His word and His plan.  The story of Davis keeps coming to my mind. 

David wanted to do what was right in Gods eyes.  He wanted to please God and he did alot of things to satisfy God and did His will.  But like us all, David also sinned, he was a murderer and committed adultery.  Maybe that's why I'm drawn to the story.  My  whole life I have always wanted to do what was right in Gods eyes.  All my friends knew I lived in a bubble and was a "goody goody".  It was okay with me to have that reputation.  I didn't want to go through life with regrets or have people look down on me or be that person where I couldn't be a witness because of the life I lived or was living.  The truth is, I'm not perfect and I have committed adultery.  That is something that I have to live with everyday though God has forgiven me and I don't carry that burden around, but God has put it on my heart for me to be a witness and testimony.  One thing that I'm reminded of all the time, is the Love God had for me when he delivered me out of living in sin.

I had put in my prayer journal last year in April of how I was falling for this person and that I knew in my heart it was wrong.  I prayed for God to change his heart the way I felt, so no one would get hurt since we both just gotten hurt.  Did you know God answered my prayer??  But it was 8 months later when I didn't really want it answered.  Now I'm sure you all have heard the saying, God answers prayer, but not in our time, but his!  This is a perfect example of it.  One day, he just decided it was time to leave.  He told me, he had been praying and the feeling wouldn't go away.  I didn't want him to leave then, but deep down I knew it was right. 

I remember us laying next to each other while trying to sleep and I would cry.  I would cry because the distance that I had put between me and God.  I was waiting on my heart to get hardened so I wouldn't feel the guilt.  I knew in my heart what I was doing.  I knew that for the first time in my life, I wasn't pleasing God and I was doing what I wanted.  I remember thinking, what if my grandpa got sick?  How could I pray to God, knowing how I was living and what I was doing?  I learned after that, it was the devils lies that told me I couldn't pray to God.  God was always there, but my guilt alone, hovered over me that I wasn't worthy of asking God of anything.  I didn't understand how I could ask God for something, KNOWING that I was going against everything that I knew was wrong. 

That Sunday when he left, I was a mess.  I was a mess because I did love him and I didn't want him to go.  But at the same time, this weight got lifted off of me and I was ready to have my relationship with God back.  I really feel like God changed his heart, because I was so weak and couldn't. God knew my heart and knew I yearned for him and that I wasn't happy spiritually.  Just like the story of Jonah, God changed his heart.  I believe (on my side) that God changed his heart, so Gods plans could unfold, because God knows that I want to do His will and like I have said before.....I'm chosen.   I cant waste my time on what I want to do, I need to focus on what God has for me.  Just like the story of Joseph.....He was his fathers favorite, his brothers was jealous and sold him and then he became a slave and ended up in jail because the kings wife wanted to sleep with him and he wouldn't, and then ended up  helping the country out of a famine and also helping his family have food.  (hopefully I got the story right)  God used Jospeh, even though he had trials and was accused of false things and was betrayed by his family.  Its when we look at the whole story of Joseph can we see through those trials, God made good.  God never left Joseph, God used him to save a lot of people.  I know that God is going to use me.  Maybe not to that extreme, but God can use all of us, if we have a sovereign heart and is willing to do His will.  What God has for me, probably wont be what he has for you, but that's okay.  He can use us all differently, for he made us all differently. 

Like I had said before, I feel God has me in a resting stage.  He knows my heart and knows what my heart desires, for he put them there.  I know he wants me to soak in the emotions of my marriage coming to a close.  I'm reminded daily of the wife I was and the wife I want to be.  I feel him molding me and shaping me into the woman and wife he wants me to be for my future husband.  I know through everything, the good and bad, we need to learn.  We need to learn what pleases God and what doesn't.

I refuse to live a life in a sinful lifestyle.  I do not want to spiritually be far from God, ever again.  I pray to God almost daily about my future husband.  I pray that he is waiting and praying for me too.  I also ask God, if he could be just like me, in a sense.  I want a Godly man who puts God first and foremost, someone who loves sports, who has the same sense of humor as me, and can be a freak when to be.  I know, I know, it might be inappropriate, but that's what I desire.  I hope his family is warm and welcoming and I want him to be Baptist.  I tell everyone, I want a Baptist boy.  Now of course, God could just give me someone totally different, but I know God knows my heart and what I truly want.  He knows and has the man that is perfect for me.  Its exciting and yet I'm eager to meet him one day. 

I encourage everyone who is a believer and may be struggling in life or feels spiritually disconnected to read the Bible.  Of course, you can just open it and start reading, but with me, that was very hard and didn't motivate me at all.  You could pray about where God would want you to read or even pick a book and just start reading.  Proverbs is a very good book on guidance and how God wants you to live.  If you arnt a believer, I would encourage you, to go to a church or someone you know and ask what you can do to know Jesus.  You can also just speak to God right where you are and repent of your sins.  Do you believe Jesus was born of  virgin?  Do you believe Jesus died on the cross for your sins?  Do you believe Jesus rose up on the 3rd day from death?  Do you believe Jesus can wash away your sins and make you a new person?  Then pray those and ask Jesus to come into your heart.

I know being saved for me was very overwhelming.  I was 8 and I cried like a baby.  In fact to this day, when I see someone get saved I get overwhelmed.  Its an amazing, happy, wonderful experience to watch someone that I know I will share eternity with.  With Jesus in your heart, you will have peace and a love that no one on this earth can ever give you.  You will never feel lonely again.  :)

Losing weight?

I'm trying, not really, but trying to watch what I eat.  I'm not doing any special thing or working out so many times a week, but I have just been watching my in take......Ive kinda noticed a difference in the way my clothes fit.  I think my fat is just getting rearranged, lol  But I guess I got to start somewhere.....who knows where this may go.  I just know Im trying to add color into my food, which I always have, but I went and got alot of fruit and veggies :)

July 4th

I wasn't sure if I was going to do anything for July 4th since I had to work and I got invited to out of town to the lake, and with my friends family and then out of town with my other friend in OK, but I had to work late.  So my friend was going to go with her husband to the fire station, where they throw a little family get together and invited me and so I went.  What can I say?  Spending July 4th at a fire station sounds good to a soon to be single girl!!!! haha  I had lots of fun and good food.  We had the most action there because across the street was the speedway where all the people in Wichita I think went.  There was so many people the Sheriffs were blocking off the road and directing traffic.  We saw roughly about 5 grass fires and the poor firefighters were in and out the whole night.  I saw the best free, close, fire works show ever!!!  The people wouldn't stop even if there was a grass fire....they just kept going.  But last year it was banned and the year before it rained, so people were ready to shoot them off!!!!  I had a good time!!!! :)