Thinking.....

I was talking to my friend tonight and was thinking about where my life is.  I hadn't talked to him in months and he was asking how everything was and what was new.  I had to think about it.  Usually he said, I would be chatting up a storm, but Ive just been reserved lately with my personal life and what my feelings are.  I think the most I share with people is what I write on here.  In fact, tonight I wasn't even going to write.  I was just going to do my bible study and go to bed, but my mind is racing. 

I  never thought at 26, almost 27 that this is where my life would be.  I'm literally having to start over and my heart yearns so much for a family and a husband.  I think everyday what my future husband is like and what hes doing.  I wonder what hes going to look like and how tall he is, and what his sense of humor will be like.  I wonder if he will love to work and I wonder what his family is going to be like.  I know one day I will see the big picture and what God was doing, but right now, I'm just in this transition and I hate it.  Wait....I don't hate it......I'm just in a spot, I never thought I would be.  I'm glad that these things in my  life has happened to me and the person that it has made me to be.  I'm happy that I have God on my side and I know that God will take care of me even if a man never comes in my life.  All I know is, I don't want to settle.  I want that ONE guy that God has made for me.  I do pray almost daily that it wont be forever till I meet him and can be with him.  I'm scared, honestly deep heatedly scared that I wont meet him or know who he is till like 3 years or more from now.  I just never wanted to be 30 and starting a family, but then I also didn't want half of the things that has gone wrong in my life to happen either.  I know Gods plan is not my plan and I know that I can plan all I want [what I want] and its not going to happen.  I know His plan is better even though at the moment I might not can see it. 

I just............am at this stage..........this transitioning stage.  I feel like I'm right at the part of the storm when its calm before it hits.  I'm not saying its a bad storm that's going to hit, I just feel like I'm at this slow transitioning stage where God is preparing me, before it gets busy.  I keep telling myself a part of a song I heard at church this past Sunday.....You (God) make all things work together for my good.......

I know the devil whispers sweet lies to me.  He tells me that I'm never going to get married again or that I'm never going to have kids.  He likes to refresh my memory of the two men I loved and where they are at in life and that I wasn't good enough for them.  He likes to tell me that everyone around me has someone and is or will have kids and I wont.  I have my discouraged moments and my moments of anger.  I'm human!!!!  I want people to know when I write that I'm real, that one post might be that I'm on top of the world happy, and the next post is I'm  angry or crying my eyes out.  I know I'm still going through the emotions.  Not so much going through the emotions of my divorce.....still have a few of those, but more of my life and the transitioning of it.  Its me knowing and accepting that this is my life and that I'm not really depending on anyone other than God.  I'm thinking about me and whats best for me and what I want and what I don't want.  I guess or I know that most of my adult life and even teenage years, I thought of me and Mark.  It was always what fit me and him and what WE are going to do and what WE are going to eat.  For once, I can just do me.  That was my New Years resolution, "I'm going to do me".  I'm not complaining.....I'm not complaining about my life.  I don't regret anything!!!!!!  Not a darn thing!!!!!  But if I had a choice where I would want my life right now.....it wouldn't be what it is now.  For instance....I saw a family photo of one of my cousins baby.  She got pregnant like 2 or 3 months after me.  Hes so big.....my baby would of been that big.  Its those moments where I get sad of all the what ifs.  My life would totally be different and I would of learned so much but in a different way.  Another thing I was thinking about was how alot of my friends got married the same year as I did.  I know 3 for sure off the top of my head, and I see them celebrating their 5 year anniversary.......I think its one of those things, even if I try and run away or try to forget, Ill always know in the back of my head.  Ten years from now, when I'm married and have new dates to remember and one of my friends celebrates their 15th.....I'm just going to know....that could of been me too. 

If you truly know me, you know that I over analyze everything.  I think with me being off alot past few days, Ive just been thinking alot.  Ive been working out and tanning and in those moments, I think.  Ive been thinking about the divorce coming to a close alot lately too.  Its one of those bittersweet things like I said before.  Its sad that a vow I took is coming to a close, but its time to move forward to newer and better things.  I know its okay to go through these emotions.  I'm not the type to hide how I feel and this blog is about me and my ups and downs.  Out of this blog, I want people to see how me,a Christian woman, IS NOT perfect.  I struggle.....I'm faced with temptations, I fail, I get back up, I fail again, I learn, I cry, I laugh, I trust God, I have faith, I have heartache, I'm eager on the future, I sometimes dwell on the past.  I don't want this to be a sugar coated blog......this is real....this is me.  :)