My thoughts have been wondering lately back and forth with a few things. I feel like I'm battling with what I want and what God wants. I feel like I need certain things and when I get them, its empty and a void and its because I didn't choose God. I know alot of us, if not everyone battles with that everyday. "oh I need more money", so you work harder, "oh I need a new car", "oh I need the latest electronic", "oh I need to pay off my bills". But do you ever just stop and pray or meditate in God and see what you really need? Because all that wont make you happy and if it does, its only temporary, until it breaks, or wears out or the next best thing comes out. I feel like I "need" a man when I'm divorced. I need him for affection, for love, for a family, for support, but God is showing me otherwise. I think I have gotten used to having man in my life since I was 15, that adjusting to not having one is hard for me. The truth is....I have guys in my life....and I'm 99.9% sure, none of them are who God wants me to be with. Of course God isn't going to show me who he wants me to be with while I'm legally married, I get it. But all I know lately is I have prayed for God to take away people in my life that's not supposed to be there and sure enough......their slowly fading away and I'm slowly becoming reserved. I haven't shared with anyone really how I have felt lately. If you truly know me, you know that I share anything and everything with people, it don't matter who you are. But God is working in me. I really feel, that right now, God is giving me rest. I pray daily for a job, the job that God wants me to be at, and still nothing. But you know what? God takes care of me financially and extra every month. I'm so grateful. I know God has this plan for me. I know I need to be patient and wait, because hes going to be using me soon. I know that all my puzzle pieces that are scattered on the table, are about to slowly start coming together.
The truth is.....I don't want to settle. I don't want to fall in love or even date a guy who isn't going to be my next husband. Ive thought it for awhile now. Ive thought, should I date or have a boyfriend in my life to see where it goes? NO!!!!!! Why you say? Because that's when you settle. You end up falling in love and then you find yourself not able to walk away because you spent all this time and energy into knowing and creating memories with this one person.....therefore you settle. God has already revealed to me, he has this ONE man for me and I need to wait and be patient, that its going to be worth it. I wont lie.....it scares me to think when this one man is going to come in my life and if we will ever have a family, but honestly, I cant think about that. I cant dwell on it, and that's where faith in God comes in. Hes already told me, and God doesn't lie, so I just need to wait in His time. I know God has lessons for me that I still need to learn.
I have been busy for the past few weeks with work and entertainment that I fell behind in my bible study. Two weeks behind to be precise. It took me about 3 hours today to get caught up, but I did. I didn't like being that behind and actually sat there and thought how I let that happen. I was just remembering that I put all these worldly things in front of my time with God. I have been being distant from people lately as I adjust to whats really important. I don't need to go spend time with my guy and girl friends all the time. Spending time away from things I need to do, is just going to hurt me more in the long wrong. I need to focus and stay in the word, for Gods word will direct me in the path he wants me go to down. It lets me hear him more clearly and stay focused. It shows me Gods love and his mercy towards me. I tend to always put something in front of what I always know to be true. Meaning, I will go spend all my time with friends to keep my mind busy, but keeping my mind on God will lead me to happiness. The other just leads me down a road to loneliness in the long run. Because eventually I will leave and face reality. Don't get me wrong....hanging out with friends isn't bad, but its what I was doing.
Ive been at home past few days and focused and concentrating on what God wants from me and for me. Ive been examining who I want and need in my life. Just like in December when I deleted alot of people out of my life, I feel like its mid year and I need to do it again. Nothing against any person, doing this is for me. I can get so distracted and then I catch myself wasting time. I have been praying for God to help me focus on Him and I know this is him working in my life.
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