A letter I wrote to a website for prayer

My husband I have been together since we were 15. We met each other online and then when my mom died when I was 16, he came up and was with me during the hard time. Then when we graduated high school at 18, he came up here to be with me. (he lived 6 hours away) At 19, I found out I had cancer. My husband was there with me every night and helped take care of me. At 21 we got married. It was a happy time, but I take care of my grandpa, and he was in the hospital the whole time. I was hard during that time, with trying to plan a wedding by ourselves and at the same time, my grandpa was on his death bed. My grandpa turned for the better and is alive today. A year after our wedding, we found out we were pregnant. We miscarried our twins at 6 weeks and at 13 weeks. It was a hard time, and then for the next 2 years we were trying. I knew it was taking a toll on our marriage, but we still had the desire for a family. Then this past summer, I got pregnant. My husband didnt let me do anything, he was so scared of miscarrying our baby. It turns out though that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I had to take chemo shots to dissolve our baby(There was no baby growing with a heartbeat.)
So we started trying and even in December we prayed to see if we should do fertility pills again. He told me, he thinks we should, so we started trying for a baby. In December, 2 days before Christmas, my husband told me he didnt know if he loved me anymore. I got so scared that I told him, maybe we should try counseling. He agreed. We started going, and the counselor told me that she wants to speak to me with one-on-one sessions. I agreed and I started to work on myself. I was a very controlling wife and I even hit my husband every once in awhile, which he never deserved. My husband told me, he can see a change in me, but he thinks its too late. My husband left the house one day and said he needs time to think. The whole time, for the past few months, he had been cheating on me. He was already checked out of our marriage, when I was fighting and changing everything that I could do, to help better it. I dont understand, with everything we have gone through, why he would leave me for a whore. She knew he was married and was encouraging him to leave me. We lived a Godly life and even waited till we were married (6 years) to make love. How can he just jump in the bed with another woman so fast? How can he agree on trying for a baby when he was sleeping with her? How can he just fall out of love with me? I dont understand. Im hurting. Im longing for the man that I fell in love with and Im scared he will never be that man again. I want to fight for our marriage and that God can touch him and show him what hes doing is wrong. But at the same time, I want to quit and move on. My emotions are flowing through me strong, and Its so hard. I would love to have someone to talk too during this time and if anyone can help maybe answer some of my questions I would appreciate it!!

im mad

I know I have a right to be mad. But I'm just so mad. I'm mad because I don't know why he did this to me in the first place? I mad cause he left me for a whore. I'm mad because he crashed all my dreams and future. (I know that I have a future, but now I don't know who its with.) I'm mad that he left me for someone who doesn't know and love him as much as I do. I'm mad that he wont go and get me a divorce so I can move on. I wanted to work it out. I want to be here, waiting till he wakes up from this funk hes in, but each day that goes by, I don't care!!!! He doesn't care about me. He doesn't love me. I sit here and wonder if he ever did love me. You cant do this to someone whom you spent 10 years with and took vows before the Lord. Fine.....GO!!!! I do deserve better. I want a Christian man, who takes his vows before the Lord seriously. I want this to be over with and down the road, so I can be happy again. I want to move on and forget this, even though I know I cant or wont ever. He was my first love, my everything. I meant nothing to him. We took our life slow and grew as a couple, when he just jumped in bed with some girl, a skanky girl and I'm sure shes pregnant. His family, wont talk to me. They have just shut me out, when I didn't do anything wrong. I don't understand that, and that hurts. Why do I feel like the bad guy? What did I do wrong? I wasn't the best wife, I admit. But I did start working on myself and I know one day, I will make a good wife to someone else.

Deeeeep down, I want Mark back. Of course, why not? I took my vows before God, for better or for worse, till death do us part. But theres a part of me, way down inside, that feels like, the Mark that I married, will never come back. Its sad. Its sick. It makes my stomach hurt. Just sitting here thinking about going on a first date with someone, makes my stomach hurt. I want to throw up. I shouldn't be in this boat right now. I shouldn't have to be thinking about these things. We should be thinking about working on our marriage. People make mistakes, but Mark doesn't even want me back. Why am I in this time warp? Why am I going through this? Where is my husband? We had hopes and dreams and he threw them all away for someone else. 10 years, I have devoted my life for him. Why would he do this to me? How dare he be so selfish and go and commit adultery. If our marriage was that bad, then he should of spoke up sooner, not go about it that way. I hurt inside. My pain overflows through each of my limbs inside. My heart wants to burst of anguish and pain. I want to hate him. I want to slap him. I want to hug him. I want to tell him I love him. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to say hes sorry. I want him to get right with the Lord. I want him to open up his eyes and see what he is doing is wrong. I want my old husband back. I want the man that loved me for me. I want alot of things, and this is the time I have to put it all in Gods hands. Its so hard. I don't know how to go on. I literally have to take a day at a time. I want to run away and find my man of my dreams, but I know I'm not ready. I want to go find Mark and grab his hand and tell him to come home, but I know its not going to happen.

Mark looked in my eyes and I told him to tell me, he doesn't love me anymore. He looked in my eyes and smiled, and I don't care what anyone says, I saw it. I saw the Mark that I always known for a split second. He told me, I just want to see what I want to see, but no.....I can promise on my life, I saw it, only for a second, but I saw it.

Mark is fighting this battle with the devil. I believe my husband is saved. He is fighting this spiritual warfare with the devil and hes letting the devil win. It makes me sick to my stomach about that too. I have always thought Mark as a weak Christian. But he was still devoted to God. He let the devil come in and sweep him off of his feet.

If anyone really knew Mark, Mark wouldn't of done this. Everyone that I talk too, is still in shock over this. People have told me, that we were really in love and it was genuine. So why Mark? Why and how could you of done this, to us and our babies?

We have 3 beautiful babies in heaven. This is the post that I always posted in, hence in called Future Pena family. I guess, if we do go through a divorce, I will make another one. I just don't understand. I'm hurting so bad and he doesn't care. How can you not care for someone?

I miss my old husband. I miss our memories. I miss our love. I miss our good times, bad times, and our goofy times. I miss hugging him and me fitting so perfectly on his heart. We always said we matched perfectly because of that. I miss me jumping on him, playing with him. I miss his sloppy kisses. I miss our little lips kisses. I miss holding his hands. I miss him rubbing me. I miss him playing video games. I miss his love. I miss us driving around at night talking about life. I miss us hanging out with our friends. I miss us praying together. I miss me waving goodbye everyday wishing him off to work. I miss us going out together. I miss us eating together. I miss his (my) family. I miss his chubby little face. I miss his hugs. I miss his dreams. I miss his encouragement. I miss his Godliness. I miss his clothes being all over the floor. I miss his cologne bottles. I miss his smile. I miss his eyes. I miss rubbing him, when hes sitting at the computer table. I miss everything he has done for me. I miss my old husband.

??????????

I cant even think of a title for this. My life has been turned upside down the past 2 weeks. I dont even know where to start or even how to explain. So Ill just say the basics. My husband has been cheating on me for the past 4 months. Yes...he has been cheating on me with a whore. She does not have a even close repetation to something good. I have heard she is a homewrecker and a whore and she gets with guys like this for excitement. God has put it in my heart for the time being to wait....and to forgive him and try and make this work. The man that is now, is not the man that I married. I can honestly say that. Please pray for him and whatever he is going through. We have been trying for a baby and less than a month, he gets his stuff and moves out. I might later explain everything that has happened, just for me to remember, so I can grow during this time.

But I want to put some things up that I have been reading, that explains Mark and I during this time and what I think is happeneing. Other than the devil having such a hold on Mark that he is blind by whats hes doing.

Q: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?
Dr. G: Only 10% of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, and deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that makes it less romantic, you’re into Stage Two—disillusionment. Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened; they wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it’s too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much.

Q: Eventually the questioning and revealing assume a more normal level in the relationship?
Dr. G: Yes, but things will often pop up. Someone or something will prompt them to remember something that was said. What did you mean when you said that? Or, what were you doing when that happened? In the beginning, the betrayed partner wants details. Where, what, when. Did you tell them you love them? Did you give them gifts? Did they give you gifts? How often did you see them? How many times did you have sex? Where did you have sex, was it in our house? Was it in the car? How much money did you spend. Those kinds of factual questions need to be answered. Eventually the questions develop more complexity. How did it go on so long if you knew that it was wrong? After that first time, did you feel guilty? At that point they’re in the final stages of trauma recovery, which is the search for meaning.

I dont know anymore

This week has been sooo....weird, sad, depressing, confusing, upsetting, heartbreaking. I mean, Mark left yesterday to stay in a hotel. He said he needs some time apart from me, but man....its been a little over 24 hours, but it feels like a year. He still texts me and talks to me every once in awhile, but its not enough for me. I know people need their time, and he says hes still confused whether or not he wants to be with me. Its so scary, because I want to be with him more than anything. Nothing matters, if hes not here. I married him and took my vows seriously. I don't know why the devil has a hold on him and why Mark wont open his heart to the Lord. I know the Lord doesn't want us to get divorced and so I know the devil is lieing to him. I hope we can overcome this and be more stronger than ever. I want him to look at me and see me and not the person that I was before. I promise I will change to be a submissive wife to glorify the Lord. I know everything that I was doing before, was against God and so he wasn't going to bless our marriage. I want us to be strong and depend on the Lord.

On another note, I'm actually having ovulating pains for the first time in a long time. And I looked at my due date baby, and already at 36 weeks. Who would of known, when we found out that we were pregnant, that in 9 months, or less we would be here instead. But I'm okay with going through this, if only as long as we come out strong on the other side. I want him to know how much I love him and how much I'm willing to change. Not because of this, but because I WANT TOO!!! I really want to be what kind of wife God wants me to be. Now if only Mark will see that and give me another chance at proving to him that I'm no longer a b word.

Please keep us in your prayers....I'M never giving up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want these.....

When I finally get pregnant, lol.............they are just too darn cute!!!!

Pregnancy, Snow, Weak Marriage and God

A very dear and close friend to me told me yesterday she was pregnant. She told me when she didn't really tell anyone else, all because she valued our friendship. She was there when we went through all of our rough times, our losses, our happiness, her baby's birth and now through my rough time of my husband and I marriage. I am honestly, happy for her and her husband. There is no bitterness there at all, that I think alot of people would think. I wouldn't wish what Mark and I have gone through to anyone.

I remember reading baby books when we first started trying how alot of couples, who have been trying for awhile with no luck, that their marriage gets weak. I read, that alot of couples even go through separation and divorce. I remember thinking that, we wernt going to be like that. We loved each other and we were strong. But then again I never thought that we would of been trying for so long with loss after loss.

I don't know why this is what life has brought us. Why people can get pregnant so easily and it takes longer for others. But I have learned over these past few years, that I cant look at other people and be jealous. I cant!!! Their life is not my life. I want to think that Mark and I have to go through this rough patch, to be strong for our future babies. I know babies suck the romance out of most marriages, because you its not just you two anymore. There is this human being that is now more important and takes up 100% of your time. Its not a bad thing, but I know that it can and will damper your love life. I want to think too, that Mark and I were weak all along. We were spiritually weak and what we are doing right now, is learning each other all over again. I have learned so much about myself and my faults that I am so glad to be fixing, as a person and as a wife. I'm learning to depend on God with our marriage and that I cant make things change over night. I cant make anything happen. God can make our hearts change. He can make us stronger and appreciate each other.

I don't know where our baby making will go. We are no longer at the moment trying. We know this is the right thing. Its okay!! I'm okay with it. I couldn't imagine bringing a baby into our weak relationship. I think it would just spiral downwards, but then again, it could always make us stronger. I know God will give us a baby when he is well ready for us too.

You know how when you get what you want and it took a long time to get it, you look back and see why it took so long? Before I never understood...because nothing happened, but impatience for me. But now that Mark and I are going through this, I can see. I can see how weak we are. I can see how for years we have been trying for a baby. That our focus was no longer on us, no longer on the Lord, but simply just baby making, not even love making. What kind of a marriage is that. We were separating. We were mad all the time. There was no spark there anymore. As weak as we are still, Mark tells me he loves me, he tells me hes in love with me. We do our devotion, we pray, we arnt fighting, we are watching what we are saying to each other, because we are caring. We don't want to hurt the other persons feelings, when before, we didn't care. We were right, they were wrong and we were going to argue till we got our points across.

I was never happy with our marriage and how I acted. Mark said he knew it for awhile that it was getting bad, but I guess I never wanted to believe it. I just wanted a baby. My views and outlooks didn't go anywhere else. I guess I just was in tunnel vision. On top of our marriage and Mark telling me, he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore, the Dr says I need to go see a Specialist. That's what I needed. I cant do anything anymore. I have to go out of town, have money, have gas, have time, for both of us and go. Its another step, another worry, another stress, we just cant do right now. I'm hoping that our marriage will get really strong the next couple of months as we go to counseling and do our devotions. I know marriage is something you have to work at on a daily basis. Life happens, things change, you change and things get hard. Divorce is not even an option to me. That's what the devil wants. I took my vows before God. That makes me think too. God doesn't want us to marry someone who isn't of God, because of times like this. I think all the time, what if we were going through this and Mark didn't know God. I mean, I couldn't talk to him, and tell him things about God and what he designed for us, cause he wouldn't care or wouldn't understand, cause he wouldn't know Him. But Mark knows God, but like I said before, I think hes weak spiritually. I have gone through so much in my life, that I had to run on God and depend on Him, that I think made me strong. But when you have never had to do that, then its hard when you have too.

Well I think I rambled long enough....I'm at home, because it SNOWED!!! I love snow...it means alot to me. I don't know what it is. Something white, something pure. I just love it and I hope I can get alot of things done today and my husband and I do some romancing......love to all!!!