im mad

I know I have a right to be mad. But I'm just so mad. I'm mad because I don't know why he did this to me in the first place? I mad cause he left me for a whore. I'm mad because he crashed all my dreams and future. (I know that I have a future, but now I don't know who its with.) I'm mad that he left me for someone who doesn't know and love him as much as I do. I'm mad that he wont go and get me a divorce so I can move on. I wanted to work it out. I want to be here, waiting till he wakes up from this funk hes in, but each day that goes by, I don't care!!!! He doesn't care about me. He doesn't love me. I sit here and wonder if he ever did love me. You cant do this to someone whom you spent 10 years with and took vows before the Lord. Fine.....GO!!!! I do deserve better. I want a Christian man, who takes his vows before the Lord seriously. I want this to be over with and down the road, so I can be happy again. I want to move on and forget this, even though I know I cant or wont ever. He was my first love, my everything. I meant nothing to him. We took our life slow and grew as a couple, when he just jumped in bed with some girl, a skanky girl and I'm sure shes pregnant. His family, wont talk to me. They have just shut me out, when I didn't do anything wrong. I don't understand that, and that hurts. Why do I feel like the bad guy? What did I do wrong? I wasn't the best wife, I admit. But I did start working on myself and I know one day, I will make a good wife to someone else.

Deeeeep down, I want Mark back. Of course, why not? I took my vows before God, for better or for worse, till death do us part. But theres a part of me, way down inside, that feels like, the Mark that I married, will never come back. Its sad. Its sick. It makes my stomach hurt. Just sitting here thinking about going on a first date with someone, makes my stomach hurt. I want to throw up. I shouldn't be in this boat right now. I shouldn't have to be thinking about these things. We should be thinking about working on our marriage. People make mistakes, but Mark doesn't even want me back. Why am I in this time warp? Why am I going through this? Where is my husband? We had hopes and dreams and he threw them all away for someone else. 10 years, I have devoted my life for him. Why would he do this to me? How dare he be so selfish and go and commit adultery. If our marriage was that bad, then he should of spoke up sooner, not go about it that way. I hurt inside. My pain overflows through each of my limbs inside. My heart wants to burst of anguish and pain. I want to hate him. I want to slap him. I want to hug him. I want to tell him I love him. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to say hes sorry. I want him to get right with the Lord. I want him to open up his eyes and see what he is doing is wrong. I want my old husband back. I want the man that loved me for me. I want alot of things, and this is the time I have to put it all in Gods hands. Its so hard. I don't know how to go on. I literally have to take a day at a time. I want to run away and find my man of my dreams, but I know I'm not ready. I want to go find Mark and grab his hand and tell him to come home, but I know its not going to happen.

Mark looked in my eyes and I told him to tell me, he doesn't love me anymore. He looked in my eyes and smiled, and I don't care what anyone says, I saw it. I saw the Mark that I always known for a split second. He told me, I just want to see what I want to see, but no.....I can promise on my life, I saw it, only for a second, but I saw it.

Mark is fighting this battle with the devil. I believe my husband is saved. He is fighting this spiritual warfare with the devil and hes letting the devil win. It makes me sick to my stomach about that too. I have always thought Mark as a weak Christian. But he was still devoted to God. He let the devil come in and sweep him off of his feet.

If anyone really knew Mark, Mark wouldn't of done this. Everyone that I talk too, is still in shock over this. People have told me, that we were really in love and it was genuine. So why Mark? Why and how could you of done this, to us and our babies?

We have 3 beautiful babies in heaven. This is the post that I always posted in, hence in called Future Pena family. I guess, if we do go through a divorce, I will make another one. I just don't understand. I'm hurting so bad and he doesn't care. How can you not care for someone?

I miss my old husband. I miss our memories. I miss our love. I miss our good times, bad times, and our goofy times. I miss hugging him and me fitting so perfectly on his heart. We always said we matched perfectly because of that. I miss me jumping on him, playing with him. I miss his sloppy kisses. I miss our little lips kisses. I miss holding his hands. I miss him rubbing me. I miss him playing video games. I miss his love. I miss us driving around at night talking about life. I miss us hanging out with our friends. I miss us praying together. I miss me waving goodbye everyday wishing him off to work. I miss us going out together. I miss us eating together. I miss his (my) family. I miss his chubby little face. I miss his hugs. I miss his dreams. I miss his encouragement. I miss his Godliness. I miss his clothes being all over the floor. I miss his cologne bottles. I miss his smile. I miss his eyes. I miss rubbing him, when hes sitting at the computer table. I miss everything he has done for me. I miss my old husband.