Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day (warning pics)

 Warning
******I have posted some pictures of my baby boy Mark Jr, when he was delivered at 13 weeks.  I understand that to some people they are offensive or get grossed out, but I see my precious baby boy whom looked healthy!!! I have seen other pictures of pre-term babies and I see little precious angels.  This post is for in remembrance of miscarriages and stillborns and for my babies in Heaven!!!********

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infancy Awareness Day.  As most of you know who read my blog, my ex husband and I have 3 babies in heaven.  We got pregnant in 2008 and miscarried twins at separate times.  We miscarried our first twin Adam William at 6 weeks and miscarried our other twin, Mark Jr. at 13 weeks.  It was a very rollercoaster time for us.  We accepted when we miscarried the first twin and we didn't know we were pregnant with twins at that time.  In fact our Dr told us we had an invisible twin.  They didn't see the other baby before we miscarried them. When we were at the Dr with the first miscarriage, we were sad, but when they went in to make sure that there was no baby, we saw Mark Jr. growing bigger and with a heartbeat.  We both cried!!!! It was happy tears!!! I was excited, I was in awe of my life and was the happiest I have ever been in those few weeks.  When 13 weeks came, I took a deep breath because I was past my first trimester and my Dr released me from a complicated pregnancy.  Everything was looking good and healthy and then day 3 happened.  I was feeling weird that day, kinda cramping, and that night my water broke and I miscarried my baby boy.  My ex husband was there with me the whole time, but I know it hurt him deeply.  When I saw my baby boy, I smiled.  I know that might seem weird, but I saw my husband in him.  I was sad that we miscarried, but to have a baby that looks like the person you loved the most put joy in my heart. 

Then we tried for a couple of years and even went on fertility pills.  Nothing seemed to work, and finally in summer of 2010, we got pregnant.  We went to San Antonio and came back and I got my blood drawn and the numbers were low for how far I was.  So they wanted me to come back in 24 hours to see if it doubles.  It didn't.......I remember them telling me on the phone, while Mark and I was in Academy, that I should expect a miscarriage, or an ectopic and if it was an ectopic and I had some pain then I need to head to the ER cause it could kill me.  I know Mark saw the look on my face and he kept asking me what was wrong.  I think he knew that it wasn't good.  I waited a week to miscarry and I never did.  Finally the Dr told me that he wants to give me 2 shots of methotrexate (chemo shots) in my back to dissolve the baby.  We made sure and had another sonogram to make sure there was no baby growing.  This was my worse fear, to kill my baby.  There was no way my baby or me would survive, but in my heart of hearts, I know my baby wasn't growing or alive.  My numbers kept dropping, so there was nothing growing anymore. 

The next week was torture.  I literally thought I was dieing.  I went to the ER twice and I couldn't even pee without feeling like I was going to die.  Its really kind of a blur with all that, because just a few months later is when Mark started to cheat. 

Its crazy how you block pain out, even love.  When I think of Mark and our relationship, I cant really remember anything.  I have to sit there or look at pictures to remember what I felt, or what we did, or how I acted or my love for him.  I can see how people block things out and sometimes the pain is just too much to remember.

Also when I think about my past relationship, I only remember the good times.  It was the other day when I was going through my text when I realized how unhealthy my last relationship was.  I guess some people dwell on the good and some dwell on the bad.  I guess I chose the good!!!

But all I know is that when I think about going to heaven, I don't think about seeing God.  I know that probably sounds horrible.....but I really visualize, my mom and grandma, standing at the gates holding my 3 babies waiting on me.  I see my mom holding my twin boys and my grandma holding my baby girl (Baby Love is what we named her) and just smiling and reaching out to me.  It makes me sad and excited all at the same time.  My baby boys would of been 4 this year on December 2nd and my baby girl would of been 2 on March 1st of next year. 

I know my life would of been so different if God had given me all 3 of my babies.  My life would be busy and hectic and wonderful and just sooooooooo different!!!!  But its okay.....its okay, because this is the plan God has for me.  I hope one day to marry a wonderful Godly man and have beautiful babies.  I will never forget my babies that I have in heaven and I will always carry them with me wherever I go in life.

I have a baby book of Mark Jr that I like to look at, so I would never forget.  I also have a rear view mirror dangle of a butterfly that's pink and blue that I look at everytime I get in my car.  I also have Mark Jrs. little burial out next to my house that I see everytime I pull up.  I know it might sound crazy to some people, but their my babies.  We had a choice to give Mark Jr to the Dr's to exam him to see if something was wrong, but I honestly couldn't let him go.  That was MY baby!!!!  As much as I would want to see if something was wrong with Mark and I, I just couldn't.  We went to Hobby Lobby and got a wooden box, wrote a letter to him from both of us and put some little socks with him.  We also made a stepping stone for him with his name on it.  It just means so much to me. 

{Mark Jr. was born with his fingernails, little pee pee, his daddys ankles and nose, ten fingers, ten toes and simply  beautiful.  I always wonder what he would look like right now}

I have met a few women who also has gone through what I have and they have been my good friends since.  We are all still on facebook and though they have gone to have kiddos, it makes me happy to see they got what they longed for.  I know one day Ill get mine!!! My time was just different!!! :)

To my 3 precious babies........Mommy loves you so much and cant wait to hug you and squeeze you and give you tons and tons of kisses!!!!