I feel strong. I feel like Im turning into who Im supposed to be. Since Mark left my eyes have been opened wide to people and mistakes. I lived in my comfortable bubble where I tried to live right all the time. There is nothing wrong with living that way, but I know God has more for me. I know I needed to go through that to help other people. Before I would be judgemental and say, "Dont do it, have more will power". But sometimes people are weak, sometimes they are hurting, sometimes people just want to rebel. It dosent make it right, but I know we learn from our mistakes. Its when we turn and repent to God for what we have done and not do it again......
But that can be hard. I am living proof that what Im doing is wrong and my will power isnt strong enough right now. This is me being completly honest. This is me, sharing my struggles and confusion.
I am with a married man.....Im a married woman. We are in a relationship and we are sexually active. Is it right? NO Do I love him? YES Do I feel guilty? YES
So why is it hard to walk away? Sometimes it feels right and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, because truely he is a wonderful, big hearted man. Everyone loves him and accepts him. I know what Im doing isnt right in Gods eyes and that Im going to be punished. Im not looking forward to it, so why isnt it enough?
Im scared of God and everything he can do. He has blessed me my whole life by me living right. I know once you get into sin it gets deeper and harder to get out. I know that as a Christian. Just like the song, Slow Fade, by Casting Crowns. Its a slow fade and then you start doing stuff that you never thought of doing. Its black and white, and then it turns to gray. And thats exactly what it has done. Its gray. It seems right and it seems wrong.
I dont know what Im waiting on. My life is confused, but I do feel stronger. Maybe my emotions with Mark are fading. I think Im now accepting this is going to happen and my life will be without him. I know God has something better for me....but its up to me to pick what he is giving me. I could do what he blesses me with or do what I want and then not be happy.
I feel strong with me learning how to be in a proper relationship. I want to please and make the other person happy. I want to not nit pick on little things. I still have to tell myself, "Rachel, let it go" , or "Rachel, its not that big of a deal" . The way I was before for so long, just cant change over night, but Im glad I have someone in my life that knows Im still working and changing for the better. I think with both of us, we are finally in a relationship that is good and healthy. We both want the healthy relationship with talking and our attitudes positive.
I dont know where it will go. Im living my life one day at a time. Im enjoying everyday and soaking it all in, which I didnt do before. I no longer worry about tomorrow or fret on the past. This is my life and Im going to live and learn and grow :)
