My babies!!!

Ive been thinking alot of my babies in heaven lately.  Ive just had a lot of people ask me recently about my life and if I had or wanted kids.  I never deny that I don't have children.  I tell people, I have 3 in heaven.  I know it makes them speechless and kinda uncomfortable, but in a way, I don't care.  If I said I didn't have 3 babies, then I wouldn't be counting my children in heaven.  I don't have children here on this earth, but I do have 3 children.  Ive been trying to up keep Mark Jr's little burial area where we laid him to rest.  Since he was only 13 weeks, we buried him in our yard.  I know it might sound weird to some people, but when I took my baby to the Dr's office that day and they asked me if I wanted to hand him over to have test ran on him to see if they "might" could find a reason why I miscarried, I couldn't do it.  That was my baby!!!  I wanted my baby with me.  So Mark and I went to Hobby Lobby, found this small wooden box, put him in it and we wrote a letter to him from both of us and placed it in there with him.  We also put some cute little socks that we had gotten him in there.  We made this stepping stone (head stone) for him with his name and the date when he was conceived and went to heaven.  His day is coming up.....4 years, since he went to heaven.  Its crazy to think, of having 3 1/2 year old twin boys around me and a year old baby girl.

I love them so much, but I'm happy, they didn't have to be raised in a broken family.  I want the best for my children, and I know God was looking out for me and for them.  God knew what was going to happen and I am thankful that I have them in my heart and that I will see them in heaven one day.

I honestly, couldn't imagine having my babies here during the past year.  My emotions and mourning of the loss of my marriage would of been totally different.  I would of had to of seen him and share my children with someone who left them.  Yes, Mark left me, but he would of been leaving his children too.  The sad part is, men do it all the time.  Because of selfish reasons of a man or a woman, they choose to leave their spouse and their kids have to pay for it.  Alot of people these days, run away from their problems.  They have their tail stuck in between their legs and they run away.

Just like in church today, we learned about Jonah and the ripple effect of peoples sins.  When we sin, we don't just hurt ourselves, but we hurt everyone else.  Jonah was on that boat, running away from God.  When the storm came, they all were in danger, then Jonah told them to throw him overboard.  When Mark left me, he not only hurt me, but even my family and our close friends felt hurt and abandoned.  I don't know how his family felt, but just like with all sin, there are consequences and punishment.  God is a loving Father who punishes his kids, because he loves us.  We all arnt perfect and we sin everyday, but I really feel like God punishes us for the pre-determined sins.  The sins we know we are doing or we are about to do.  I get, sometimes, we get mad and cuss or have a thought out of left field come in our mind.  But even I am guilty of pre-determined sin.  So many times, I knew I was sinning, or about to sin, or going to sin and I felt guilty.  The guilty is the holy spirit that lives within you, if you are a believer.  If you don't feel the guilt, then I would really check your salvation.  Another thing is, that even its in the bible, is your heart will get hardened.  You can live in sin and turn your back on God, that your heart will get so hardened, that you cant even hear God, or it wont even be clear.  To be honest with you, when I was living in sin, I was wanting and waiting on my heart to get hardened.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and I wanted the guilt to go away.  But honestly.....deep down, I wouldn't say it, but my heart cried and longed for Jesus.  The Holy Spirit heard my cries and my heart really didn't want this, at least this way, and God is so gracious, he delivered me out of sin.  He didn't let me get swallowed up by a fish, but I guess you could call my appendix needing out within 24 hours after I was delivered, was my fish.  I had time with me and God in a hospital.  I really didn't want people to come up there alot, I just wanted my time with God.

So off track.....Mothers Day is coming up.  I consider me a mother and I celebrate it.  I thought last year was going to be hard, but actually I had a lot of people wish me Happy Mothers Day!  I felt loved.  I think I'm going to buy me a necklace for my babies.  :)  Ive been wanting too for awhile, and now I think I'm going too!!!

This is the necklace I got.  I think of the big heart is Mark Jr........the little precious feet is Adam William and the wings with the heart is Baby Love and of course the Remember is for them!!    Now this blue and pink butterfly is a rear view mirror dangle for my car.  I loved it!!!! :)

My best friend

My best friend is named Rebecca.  We go way back to 6th grade as best friends.  There was a part of our lives for 5 years that we didn't talk over petty high school stuff.  Then we basically just jumped in to being friends one day.  There isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that she will always be my best friend.  She has my back no matter what.  She would really go to jail for me.  I have been so blessed to have a friend like her in my life especially during all the bad.  We are so different.  We like different foods and different styles and different men.  I guess its all good, cause then we wont have to fight over any men, lol. 

I think we look at each other and know that we are different and accept it.  We know that God made us individually different, but with us, its a respect.  I think when your around someone all the time, you tend to pull them into what you like and what you want to do.  With us, you can ask each other if that person wants to do something out of their realm and sometimes they agree and sometimes, they are like no!  We don't try and change each other.  We have tried to motivate each other going out of our box, but other than that, we know each other and our likes and dislikes.

My friend Rebecca wasn't always the God fearing woman that I have always known.  In fact, I remember as a kid, she didn't know God and didn't have a relationship with him and I just did not understand that. lol  I remember we would get in argument's, because it was so easy, and why wouldn't you not want to walk with the Lord?  But here we are over 16 years later and she motivates and encourages me with God alot now.  God has been working in her and I feel honored and blessed to have her walking with the Lord, when I wasn't.  She never gave up on me when I turned my back from God, but kept me in her prayers.  All she wants from me, is to be happy.  I know she cares about me alot and it means so much to me.  I hope she knows that I care about her alot.  I don't know what I would do in this life without her and I don't want to know. 

Another important thing with Rebecca to me, is that she was very close to my mother.  She is alot like my mom, probably more than me.  We always joke, that shes like my mom and I'm more like her son. lol  Our personalities and annoyances are the same and Rebecca and my mom have the same personalities.

Then, Rebecca will check on me and ask me how I'm doing.  For some weird reason she knows the days that I'm having a bad day or something bothering me and she will check on me.  I don't know how she knows, but she does.

I feel blessed to have her in my life.  I know I annoy her to death sometimes and I know I worry over things she thinks is useless, and Im sure they are.  I wish I didn't burden her sometimes with my problems, but I know she will always be there.  I need to learn to let things go and not let things bother me so much.  I just hate hurting people and its hard for me to get over this.  I have been in this depression for a couple of days now.  I just wish a part of my life would hurry up and pass, so I can be "fully happy" again.  I am happy with where I am at, and where I have grown and learned, but I just have unfinished business holding me down.

But I pray that God will touch Rebecca and give her the desires of her heart.   Shes such a good mother to her son, even though she doesn't give herself enough credit for it.  I know being a single mother isn't easy as I watched my mom struggle to be the mom and dad to me.  My mom had to be extra hard on me, because it was her raising me and I see that's what Rebecca does.  Shes a good mother and I know God is proud of her as I am too.  I love her!

Another thing about Rebecca is that she is the most giving person I know.  She will give you her last dollar if you needed it and she doesn't want anything back in return.  I wish I had a giving heart as much as she does.  I feel selfish when I'm around her.  Little does she know, that I look up to her and admire her.  I wish she would see herself as beautiful as I do.  She has such a beautiful heart and soul and shes so beautiful on the outside.  She really deserves the best in life, for she is walking with the Lord as close as she can.  She admits to wanting to change for the better and asks God daily to help her be a better Christian.  I am so proud that she is my best friend and feel blessed to have her in my life.  I know we will be friends for life and even friends in heaven! :)  There is a connection that I don't think I could feel with any other female.  We can have the best of fun with just us sitting around talking.  We can plot things and we think things at the same time.  We know how to do our business of R&R.  We have secrets that no one knows and plans that we cant share. 

We will always be R&R!!!!!!!!  :)

P.S. Shes a huge Josh Hamilton lover and Ranger Fan!!!! :)

Not a good day for me

I didn't have a good day today.  I know all my days arnt going to be perfect.  I was faced with something last night that I have been led to do.  I knew the day would come, and it did.  I also have something else I need to do and face and I'm not looking forward to it, but I know it needs to be done also.  I have faith in God more than anything.  I fully rely and depend on him to take care of me and my needs.  The things that I'm struggling with, the devil keeps throwing back in my face of guilt and I know its him.  I didn't realize that sometimes when we need to do Gods will, it will hurt people.  I also know that the next thing that I need to do, will make this person mad.  In fact, they will have everyone else saying what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm not.  I have prayed and prayed about this and this is what I feel like I need to do.  So I'm going to do Gods will and this person will have to face and deal with God.  I have even been praying that God will touch their heart and it wont be as bad as I think it might be. 



I have been told that I have been too nice to people.  Now people who really know me, might be like.....yeah right....but at the end of the day, no matter who you are in my life, I want nothing but the best for you and happiness and that you walk right with the Lord.  I have realized that I can get ran over and used from being too nice.  I think that's why I naturally have this selfish personality and that I don't like sharing or loaning stuff out, cause it never comes back the way you hand it to them.  I can blame it on me being an only child too, but really that's not an excuse anymore. 

I really in my deepest of heart, what to do the right thing all the time.  There is a peace that lives within me when I have my goal set on doing right.  God knows my heart with everything.  He knows I tried to fight for my marriage.  He knows I tried helping this person, and I cant fix anyone.  I cant fix anything by myself.  I cant change people. Only God can!!! I cant be there for people, when I'm being used by them.  I have realized that its okay for people not to like you, so you can do whats best for you!!! 

Now with all this said and done.....its where it gets depressing on my part.  I am closing chapters really fast all at once and I'm getting overwhelmed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm eager to turn the page, but its kind of like a death in a way. 

I know this might sound a bit weird....but I feel blessed to of gone through everything that I have over this past year and in my life.  That God chose me and gave me strength to learn and be a witness to others.  This person that I'm starting to see of me, I LOVE!!!    If none of these events would of happened in my life, I wouldn't be who I am turning into.  I hope one day my future husband can appreciate the trials and ups and downs I have faced and can be thankful for it made me the wife he could have. 

My friend Dani Miser put on her face book....

SOMEtimes the most difficult thing to do is the BEST thing to do!

 I wrote her and told her that its what I needed to hear for the day and the problems I was facing and what I had to do.  She wrote me back and it said this..... 

 Ya know, I wasn't online when that quote came to mind and I felt like God wanted me to hurry up and get it on there...It was for you, my friend! Trust and obey and you'll be happy in the Lord...It will be hard at first but joy comes in the morning...remember the verse, weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning!

 I love her!!!!  God brought us together.  She tells me what I need to hear.  I can relate to her and the choices she had made her life.  She wrote the book, "Single Woman seeks perfect Man", and I encourage anyone who is out there man or woman to read the book.  It really is based on scripture and God showing you the mate he has for you.

Well, its officially 3:00am on this Thursday morning and I do I do hope this day is better than before!!! 

God Bless my friends!!! I love you!!

 

A time for new beginnings.....

ITS TIME!!!!!  I am ready!!!!  Its time for new beginnings.  I am letting go of my past and eager for the future and the plans and people God has for me.  I get on my blog today, to see even it changed.  I have been on this blog for about 3-4 years and it changed....like completely.  Then I realized....Its time to put a clean, white slate on my blog and start over.  That's how I feel in my life and since this blog is my heart, it needs to look how I feel!!! 

There is nothing wrong with starting over.  God has given me the "go" to move on and he has put me down and I am now walking "with" him and hes not carrying me anymore.  His strength has overwhelmed me and my faith in him grows more and more each day.  I really feel like God has been carrying me through all the emotional roller coaster rides the past few months to a year and now I feel him telling me like a Father does to a child....."Its okay, I got you, your safe, I wont let anything happen to you, Ill always be here to catch you".  I know that as long as I stay with God, holding my hand, walking in this life, I will be okay....no matter what.  Doesn't mean, I wont fall down or scrape my knee, it just means, that even if I did all of those things, I know Jesus will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and smile and tell me he loves me.  What a wonderful feeling!!!

You wanna know something?  I pray for my future husband everyday!!  Its sweet in my eyes.  That I don't even look or worry about ever finding anyone.  I know in my heart, there is a man, walking this earth, that is designed and created for me.  I pray that he is following and walking with God and that he is praying for me. 

Single life has been good, great, fun, and exciting!!!  I mean, with everything, there are pros and cons, but as summer approaches and I have a bunch of things going for me, its quite enjoyable.  I can focus on God and what I want in this life and getting a new job and hanging out with friends and meeting new people.  Married life was fun and it had its ups and downs, like anything too.  One day I will feel that again and I know it will be special and it will probably be about the time when I say I'm tired of being single, lol. 

I met this guy today, who is also 26 and went through a divorce and he told me, before I even told him, that he also never thought at 26, he would be starting over.  Its crazy, how sometimes, you think your the only one out there and yet, there are people just like you, or worse or later in life.  I'm still pretty young (thought I don't feel like it) to be starting over and realizing what I do want and not want in this life.  I could be 30s or 40s with kids and having to worry about being with someone or not being with someone. 

A bunch of worries that I used to stress over, I don't let it get to me anymore.  I really have grown this past year and realized whats important and whats isn't.  I know your always learning and living life.  Like my friend said the other day, "If we knew everything we knew when we were younger, it wouldn't be called, Live and Learn".  Its true....no matter what we see, or what our parents did or what they told us, we ultimately make the decisions or life happens and events or people change our lives. 

I'm excited about my new blog and I hope to bring more positive encouragement to it.  The other day my friend and I went out and took some pictures.  We got out of church, felt pretty and it had been so long since I had taken pictures, I was ready to pick my camera back up.  Another thing of starting over....is getting back into my photography.  My heart hadn't been in it, and you know what???  Within 24 hours of putting my new pics up on facebook, I got 2 people to plan on getting their pics done with me and a past client of wanting to order some more pictures.  God just amazes me everyday!!!  Also I have been praying for God to stir me into a new job, I have been praying for some months now.  I also have been asking him to put it in my heart to look and stir me in the right place that he would want me to be at.  This morning, I woke up and just started browsing on the Internet.  Low and behold, there was a few jobs and I made a resume and cover letter and sent them in.  I'm talking about really good jobs.  I'm not going to worry or stress, but pray and put it in Gods hands.  These jobs might not even be a job he wants me to be at.  I know Gods plan for me is great and no matter what I think might be good for me, Gods plan is better!  :)  I have learned that God wants us to go to him, to pray, to have faith, to depend on him, and things will fall in place.  Do you understand that?  I mean, as humans, we worry and want things to go our way on our time, but really, it hurts us in the long run or just get us sick from stressing.  Hand it over to the one who knows everything!!!  The one who wants you to be happy and to trust and have faith that God will provide and let the doors be opened!!  I have to remind myself almost daily, but it gets easier and easier every time when I start to slip back in the human habits.

 So I will post some pics of me and my friend.......I hope you enjoy and don't hesitate on leaving a comment!!! :)

o

flip a coin

I loved this picture!!! The thing is, is dont toss a coin, but pray about it!!! God will tell you what you should do, he will put it in your heart to make the right choice! And when the coin is in the air, thats when I feel like the Holy Spirit puts the answer in your heart! :)

Catching up

I wasn't going to write today, but noticed that its been since Friday since I last wrote. Alot has been going on with me. Its crazy, how you hold on to the past and pray for God to set you free, that you don't even have to do anything. The people you were holding on too, show their colors, and mind you, their not so pretty. Even my friend told me tonight, maybe God is showing things you haven't seen before in these people. Its true, I guess love is blind. But its okay :) I'm a happy person. I am truly happy and I have the most amazing friends in the world. Who knew, that single life would actually be fun and enjoyable? I'm having this party coming up this Friday and I'm sooooooooo ecstatic!!!! Its been motivating me to get my bathroom done that I had started Christmas of 2010. I had started it right before Mark left. Then after he left, my mind wasn't in the right place and now I'm good!!! I feel so good getting this bathroom done and doing my yard every week. I don't know what it is about doing my yard, but I love it! Each time, I do a little bit more. I cut some much needed bushes and trees back Monday and mowed and all that good stuff.

Last Saturday with our crazy weather, a part of my wooden fence blew down. I got it rigged standing up, but it needs to be fixed. I am praying for someone to help me with it, since the person I asked backed out, or lets say, didn't answer my phone or show up. I was thinking about that today, how people will say they will help you or do something and they just back out or don't do it. I say this!!!!.......grow some balls!!!!! If you don't want to do something, say...." I don't want to do it" or "I cant" or whatever that you want to say. When someone asks me to do something or help them, and I'm not 100% sure if I can or want too, IF I say yes, Ill still tell them to have a back up person available if somehow I cant make it. Just so, they wont fully depend on me and be screwed. That's what this person did to me......and it just showed me he hasn't changed!!!! That's all I'm going to say!!!

Now onto happy things.....God has been showing me the past few days of the man that I "don't" want. God has been just telling me, that he has this man made for me, like I'm a glove and this other man is a glove and one day, we are going to find each others match and it will be joined to God as one. Do you realize what great feeling that is? That my soulmate is out there, hopefully praying and waiting on me. Yes, I said Soulmate! I know alot of people don't believe that God has destined one person for them, and it may not be entirely true. I think everyones story is different and what God has for them, but I clearly feel God is telling me, there is ONE man and if I just wait for Gods timing, we will be together. Its kinda crazy how I'm excited how my story is going to play out. I know God has already written my story, but I know how imperfect I may be, this one man will look at my flaws and craziness and love it and vise versa with him. I just know we are going to be two puzzle pieces that are going to match up perfectly. Im not saying we are going to have a perfect life or we wont fight or argue, but I know its going to be different than any of my past relationships. Hes going to be "the one". The one who I was intended to marry all along. I want to hope and pray that we will have a family and grow old together or until God takes us home.

I want that connection, that bond, that tenderly touch like I got from Cass. I want that deep love, stand by my side through all the bad and provide for me like I got from Mark. I want it all and more all combined into one man. I want God to be first in our marriage, no matter what! When the other is weak or is slacking on the path, I want the other person to pull us in and pray with us to make us stay on the walk with God. And you know what????? I know there is someone out there for me, just like that!!

Mark and Cass are good men, but wernt made for me. I hope they can make another woman happy and she can make them happy in this life. I wish them nothing but happiness in this life!!! But Ive moved on.....and it feels.......great!!!! Freeing!!!! Exciting!!!!!


I saw this on my facebook:

It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever....:)

This week, I don't know what it was, but on my facebook, so many things were posted about letting go of things.....is God telling me something? :)

The third picture, funny story to it. My friend and I both sent it to each other in a text at the exact same time. We were both thinking I'm sure, wait....what? But hers looks different than mine on how we send it, so we both knew the other person was sending it!!!! Okay, now its time for me to go shower, bible study and go to bed considering its 3:00 am. Goodnight my lovely friends!!

I kinda feel bad, but then I dont....

The other day I went to the IRS to finish my business taxes. I asked about Marks and I return, because we had to mail it in due to a mess up. They said it would be later April, early May. Then I started to think, that means my divorce wont be finalized till July or August. I got really upset. Mark is moving. Hes already quit his job, hes moved on, hes not in love with me anymore and yet, Im still going to have to wait, be faithful, be married all summer! Im not looking to hurry up with the divorce to get married again or even date anyone. I have no one in mind. But I wanted to have fun without any guilt. If I wanted to go out, or even go on a date, I dont want this guilt hovering above me. But then I started to think.....What if God wants me to be married, to watch out for me, so I wont get hurt. I honestly cant tell you, what kind of person Im going to be once my divorce is final. I dont know if Im going to hold my heart close to me and just stay away from men, because I wont be used to being able to just hand it over. Or I wonder if Im going to go a bit crazy and live that teenage style and kiss a few frogs. I ultimetly want the man God has designed for me. I know he has put it in my heart that there is a man out there for me, that one day Im going to look back and see how Gods puzzle pieces fell all together.

I don't know if God has been showing me or what lately, but its been kinda.......amusing!!!
So I'm at the bank fixing to leave and I'm walking through the doors. A guy is walking in front of me and he opens and holds the door for me, I thanked him. I start walking and I'm in front of him and he rushes to reach the second set of doors and open and holds those for me. It was cute!!! I giggled and thanked him again.

Then the next day, my AT&T phone was down. I go up to the store to see what the deal was. I'm driving and notice a camero, saw a cute guy on the phone, but don't pay attention to it. I passed him and got in front of him. We turn and I notice (cause I notice everyone around me) that he was on my right side and I was on the left. I go and drive down the street and pull into my driveway to get to the store (left side) and pull in, in front of it. When I'm getting out of my car, I see him parked behind me and he has his window down and waves me over to his car. I go over there, not thinking anything of it and he starts talking to me about my car. Of course though, I'm leaned over because, well, its a camero and they are low sports cars like mine. I notice hes talking to me about random stuff and his eyes quite arnt focused on my eyes or face. Mind you, I wasn't wearing anything skimpy. I wear these clothes to work at a professional atmosphere. But I couldn't help how cute he was. I mean, he was on the skinny side for me, but other than that.....total hottie!!

You know, I'm not trying to sit here and brag, its just, Mark did make me feel beautiful, but he really didn't tell me alot. I would have to say something, like, Do I look pretty? and he would say, pretty beautiful!!! That was his thing with me, was pretty beautiful! But I don't think Mark really looked at me, like I was beautiful.

Now Cass, another story. At least once a day, he would just stare at me and tell me how gorgeous I was. There were so many occasions, where I would be talking to him and I could tell he wasnt listening and he would cut me off and just say, "your so beautiful". Do you know what that does to a girl? The thing was, is he meant it. You could tell in his face, his eyes, his heart, his soul that he meant it. I loved the way he would look at me when he slowly grabbed my face with both of his hands and took a step closer to me and kissed me so tenderly. I swear me and Cass will always have this soul connection that no one will be able to explain. Even 20 years from now and we never see or speak to each other again, I want to say that we both will have that bond, that connection and think of each other and all the fun times, happy times, sexy times, cherry poppers, tears, heartache, confusion, fights, and most importantly the quiet times together. Mine and Cass's quiet times was very intimate on a soul to soul feeling. Just laying there watching tv or just laying there was special.

I know this might sound bad. But I do love Mark and Cass. I always will. They truly mean alot to me, even if I never speak to both of them again. They both are great men with greats hearts and I have to say, that I feel very blessed to have had such great men who love me in my life. I know some girls, get the "losers" or a "loser" once or twice or more in their life, but I haven't yet. I have had great men who really want the best for me and I want the best for them too. But the bad part is, my next husband, I want him to be Mark and Cass put together and even more than that. I don't know if you would take that as a compliment or not, but I look at it as a GREAT compliment. I want all the good in all of these 2 men, combined into one and then even more some. Now that would be an amazing, God given man.

As much as I don't want to be a divorcee, I know I'm going to be divorced. As much as I want Cass to be the man for me, I know hes not. I'm really accepting that this is going to be my life and looking forward to the man God has for me. Accepting this breaks my heart every once in awhile when I really think about it, like now. As I sit here and cry over 2 wonderful men, I know God is telling me to move on and look out for great wonderful things. I am such a blessed woman to have had these men in my life, but memories will always be there for me to remember them by. I do have to move on sometime, as I know they both have. I think I hold on to the past too much, which I'm learning to let go and wait for Gods blessings. I'm actually excited and eager to learn new people and new things and see myself changing into the woman God wants me to be. I feel me shining now. I feel the weight slowly being lifted off of my shoulders. I feel the sun shining through the dark clouds now. I think I'm actually seeing a beautiful rainbow get brighter and brighter each and everyday.

This is me right now :) what I want!!!

Make the Lord your number one priority, pray for your future, pray about your dreams and goals. Use this time to figure out who you are in the Lord. Get close to God and develop your relationship with Him. Dig into the word of God and learn what true love is, learn every detail about the Lover of your Soul. Get your spirit ready for when God brings you the person of His dreams, you are spiritually prepared to be a compliment and worthy of a godly partner.

Group 1 Crew (He said)

Group 1 Crew
(He said)

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, 'I'm a good person'
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
but don't forget what He said, He said

I won't give you more, more than you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don't you forget what He said

Who you are ain't what your going through
So don't let it get the best of you
Cause God knows everything you need,
so you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now
but just believe what He said, He said


I won't give you more, more than you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...

I won't give you more, more than you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and Nooooo, I'll never ever let you goooooo
Don't you forget what He said



I love this song! I love the words and what its talking about. The thing is, alot of us wonder why we go through so much in life. (raises hand) I do, I do!!!!! I really wonder why God chose me to let me endure so much starting at a young age. But looking back at everything, I have learned so much. It has made me the person I am today. I mean, it really has. With everything that I have gone through, I'm still alive, breathing, hoping I'm making in impact on someones life. God was always there, he never left. With Gods strength and love is what really has helped me learn and get past it. You know, I might not even have learned something when actually going through it, but looking back, I can see how Ive changed and the lessons on what I could of done differently. I shouldn't of lived in sin last year when Mark left. If you only knew how bad the Holy Spirit was pounding in my heart. He basically was yelling at me, with all the little steps before anything even happened. I had my warning. I had my open door out of temptation that God provided for me. (¹³ No temptation^[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13) But I did. I listened to the devil and his lies. Though deep in my heart I don't regret anything, because I did learn alot, I sometimes regret sharing a part of me to a man, whom I did love, but it wasn't my husband. I now know I want to do things right the next time, no matter what. I do pray that my future husband feels the same way. I want to do Gods will! I want him to bless me because I want to do the right thing! I want to please God with my actions and my heart!

When life happens

I'm not really going through a big transition, but I guess internally I am! When Mark left, I didn't have to move houses or raise my kids by myself or learn how to go and get a job or learn how to pay my own bills. Everything stayed the same minus him. Don't get me wrong, the extra income put a damper on things, but God has been good and has been providing. Well and there was the heartache of my husband cheating and walking out on me that I had to overcome. Its weird when you are the lowest of lows, you really don't think life can get any better or that you will never overcome that. With me, I knew in my heart that time would make it better and I knew that I would overcome it. (Time is the hardest part.) I think its because I felt that way, when my mom died and when I had cancer and also losing our babies. Time does go by and it does get better and you help people along the way, which makes it rewarding.

I keep thinking back when I was kid and how when your young, you think how you want your life to be like and what you want to do and don't want to do. You might even see your parents do something and you say, "I'm not going to be like that or do that". But then life happens. There are things that you cant control and things that happen, that even if you didn't want too, they still do. I never thought it my wildest dreams as a kid that I would ever get divorced or more than that......been an adulteress. I know, I didn't go and wreck my marriage by cheating, but in Gods eyes I did. I remember as a kid with the 10 commandments, I told myself, I would never be an adulteress or a murderer. That's the thing though.....I'm not proud of what I did. Satan told me lies to make me justify what I was doing. He made the black and white, turn to gray and (I) allowed him too. I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong and my heart started to become hardened to God. Things I knew in my heart that were wrong, started to not feel wrong anymore. I wasn't allowing the holy spirit to talk to me, because I was running away from God. I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to feel guilt, so I ran. But when I was at my happiest (or thought I was happy), I would cry, I missed God. I was spiritually miserable, but physically happy. Let me just say this....I would rather be spiritually happy, since I am now, then physically happy. To know that I'm doing right in Gods eyes and being strong and having faith, out weighs any lonely issues or cuddling or hanging out or kissing or whatever it may be. With all those things, God has really helped me and HE has comforted me.

I know I'm still married, I do. But at the same time, I no longer feel like Marks wife. Does that make sense? In a sense, I feel single, because I no longer feel bonded to him. So this desire has been creeping in my heart for my next husband. I'm not going to go run out and get married after my divorce, only if its Gods will, but to look forward to the man that God has created for me, excites me!!! I don't regret marrying Mark, for I have learned alot and had my memories with him. I don't regret my babies that are waiting on me in heaven, but at the same time, I don't feel like I was supposed to marry Mark. We doubted for so long and I think its because we knew in our hearts, but we just took the next steps. I mean, I was thinking about divorce on our wedding day, walking down the aisle, but I just blew it off to jitters or cold feet.

I feel in my heart, that God is preparing me for my new husband. I pray to God that my new husband is waiting and praying for me. I wonder what the story will be like when we do cross paths or when we do fall in love. I wonder if we will click and its love and first sight kind of a thing, or will he annoy the crap out of me or vise versa? Maybe, I already know him! I mean, God knows and I have faith. I really don't want to date a bunch of guys to wait on the one God has for me. I really want to just focus on "the one", and trust God that his timing is right.

I'm really thankful in a way, that I do have babies with Mark, but that we don't have them on this earth. Ive been really thinking about that. I do miss my babies, but I couldn't imagine having them here going through all this with a broken family. I cant imagine either, MY kids hanging out with her. Then if I got remarried or he got remarried and had kids then they would have half brothers and sisters, and I just didn't want that for my life. I know God knows my heart and I really feel like he was watching out for me and my life and my kids. He knew what Mark was going to do and I feel like he helped save me a lot of trouble in my life. But then I'm sure your thinking.....what if you marry a guy who has kids? Well, I already dated one, but I could never get attached to his kids (as a step mom). I played with them and even loved them, for they are innocent, adorable, wonderful little girls. Maybe it was me, putting my wall up too, who knows. But for my next husband, I know God will put that love and connection in my heart for those kid(s) if its meant to be for me to be their step mom.

I'm taking my life and I want to learn as much as I can, so I can help others. I think about my life and what I'm going to say in my book when God tells me to start writing it. I love to write down in this blog, my emotions and my thoughts at the time of my life so I can remember everything I went through and my roller coaster of emotions. I also write in my prayer journal and my prayers to God. I love to go back and look at what I prayed for at the beginning of the year, to even now. I also have some from last year and my prayers are kinda the same, but then totally different. I hope with my blog, people can see my lessons and my choices that I have made, the good and bad, and I hope it can touch or inspire someone. I want to help people spiritually and emotionally with God and if I can relate to anyone, I would love to help encourage them and the strength they can have with God.

We are put on this earth to worship God. Its really not about us, but about Christ! If we put all of our focus on God, great things will happen for your life! God doesn't promise that we wont have trials in this life, but to have faith and to walk with Him. Alot of us think we can do things on our own or make our own choices the right way. We are human! We need to learn to have faith in every situation and trust God that he will make a better path for us then we ever imagined. Its really just surrendering to God and letting him take the reigns. But there will be times, when we think we can handle a situation again and get all stressed out and worry and we have to give it back to God. He knows our hearts, he knows we are human, He wants you to turn to him with everything!!! :)

Easter Decorations!

Easter dessert

This is a really good, easy, simple dessert that can be made in like 10 minutes. Make sure you make it, or at least put the whip cream on when your ready to eat them, because it will melt. I made this before in the past and didn't think of the whip cream and it melted!!! This time I remembered! :)


1st step: Buy shortcakes





















2nd Step: Buy Strawberry filling




















3rd Step: Put the strawberry filling on the shortcakes.


















4th Step: Is put whip cream on the filling and cut strawberries into slices!

















5th Step: Decorate the top of the shortcake with how much you want on it. I put 1 on each and then put 3, but I love Strawberries!!