When life happens

I'm not really going through a big transition, but I guess internally I am! When Mark left, I didn't have to move houses or raise my kids by myself or learn how to go and get a job or learn how to pay my own bills. Everything stayed the same minus him. Don't get me wrong, the extra income put a damper on things, but God has been good and has been providing. Well and there was the heartache of my husband cheating and walking out on me that I had to overcome. Its weird when you are the lowest of lows, you really don't think life can get any better or that you will never overcome that. With me, I knew in my heart that time would make it better and I knew that I would overcome it. (Time is the hardest part.) I think its because I felt that way, when my mom died and when I had cancer and also losing our babies. Time does go by and it does get better and you help people along the way, which makes it rewarding.

I keep thinking back when I was kid and how when your young, you think how you want your life to be like and what you want to do and don't want to do. You might even see your parents do something and you say, "I'm not going to be like that or do that". But then life happens. There are things that you cant control and things that happen, that even if you didn't want too, they still do. I never thought it my wildest dreams as a kid that I would ever get divorced or more than that......been an adulteress. I know, I didn't go and wreck my marriage by cheating, but in Gods eyes I did. I remember as a kid with the 10 commandments, I told myself, I would never be an adulteress or a murderer. That's the thing though.....I'm not proud of what I did. Satan told me lies to make me justify what I was doing. He made the black and white, turn to gray and (I) allowed him too. I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong and my heart started to become hardened to God. Things I knew in my heart that were wrong, started to not feel wrong anymore. I wasn't allowing the holy spirit to talk to me, because I was running away from God. I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to feel guilt, so I ran. But when I was at my happiest (or thought I was happy), I would cry, I missed God. I was spiritually miserable, but physically happy. Let me just say this....I would rather be spiritually happy, since I am now, then physically happy. To know that I'm doing right in Gods eyes and being strong and having faith, out weighs any lonely issues or cuddling or hanging out or kissing or whatever it may be. With all those things, God has really helped me and HE has comforted me.

I know I'm still married, I do. But at the same time, I no longer feel like Marks wife. Does that make sense? In a sense, I feel single, because I no longer feel bonded to him. So this desire has been creeping in my heart for my next husband. I'm not going to go run out and get married after my divorce, only if its Gods will, but to look forward to the man that God has created for me, excites me!!! I don't regret marrying Mark, for I have learned alot and had my memories with him. I don't regret my babies that are waiting on me in heaven, but at the same time, I don't feel like I was supposed to marry Mark. We doubted for so long and I think its because we knew in our hearts, but we just took the next steps. I mean, I was thinking about divorce on our wedding day, walking down the aisle, but I just blew it off to jitters or cold feet.

I feel in my heart, that God is preparing me for my new husband. I pray to God that my new husband is waiting and praying for me. I wonder what the story will be like when we do cross paths or when we do fall in love. I wonder if we will click and its love and first sight kind of a thing, or will he annoy the crap out of me or vise versa? Maybe, I already know him! I mean, God knows and I have faith. I really don't want to date a bunch of guys to wait on the one God has for me. I really want to just focus on "the one", and trust God that his timing is right.

I'm really thankful in a way, that I do have babies with Mark, but that we don't have them on this earth. Ive been really thinking about that. I do miss my babies, but I couldn't imagine having them here going through all this with a broken family. I cant imagine either, MY kids hanging out with her. Then if I got remarried or he got remarried and had kids then they would have half brothers and sisters, and I just didn't want that for my life. I know God knows my heart and I really feel like he was watching out for me and my life and my kids. He knew what Mark was going to do and I feel like he helped save me a lot of trouble in my life. But then I'm sure your thinking.....what if you marry a guy who has kids? Well, I already dated one, but I could never get attached to his kids (as a step mom). I played with them and even loved them, for they are innocent, adorable, wonderful little girls. Maybe it was me, putting my wall up too, who knows. But for my next husband, I know God will put that love and connection in my heart for those kid(s) if its meant to be for me to be their step mom.

I'm taking my life and I want to learn as much as I can, so I can help others. I think about my life and what I'm going to say in my book when God tells me to start writing it. I love to write down in this blog, my emotions and my thoughts at the time of my life so I can remember everything I went through and my roller coaster of emotions. I also write in my prayer journal and my prayers to God. I love to go back and look at what I prayed for at the beginning of the year, to even now. I also have some from last year and my prayers are kinda the same, but then totally different. I hope with my blog, people can see my lessons and my choices that I have made, the good and bad, and I hope it can touch or inspire someone. I want to help people spiritually and emotionally with God and if I can relate to anyone, I would love to help encourage them and the strength they can have with God.

We are put on this earth to worship God. Its really not about us, but about Christ! If we put all of our focus on God, great things will happen for your life! God doesn't promise that we wont have trials in this life, but to have faith and to walk with Him. Alot of us think we can do things on our own or make our own choices the right way. We are human! We need to learn to have faith in every situation and trust God that he will make a better path for us then we ever imagined. Its really just surrendering to God and letting him take the reigns. But there will be times, when we think we can handle a situation again and get all stressed out and worry and we have to give it back to God. He knows our hearts, he knows we are human, He wants you to turn to him with everything!!! :)