Ive heard of this before

Not as strong as I thought

I know I'm still weak. I know that living in sin and turning back on the walk with the Lord takes time, patience, dedication, trust, faith, and focus. The enemy will come attack at every corner. I have been being attacked by one of my weaknesses. That is men!!! I have men tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY, how beautiful I am, or how pretty my eyes or smile are or how sweet I am. I don't get it!!!! I don't see it!!!! I am not asking for it!!! I'm not putting myself in those situations. I'm at home most of the time and yet....somehow....somewhere....there is a man, wanting to be with me. I get flattered, I get honored, but its so easily tempting to fall for it. I cant!!!! I wont!!!! until I am divorced. Its like, I fight for someone, who doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, doesn't think of those things of me, and who cant see me as these men do. I know these men don't "know" me and my flaws, but they see something. Why cant my husband see who I have become? I'm not perfect, I still struggle, I still have some issues, but with my issues, I have laid it before God. I no longer stress over anyone or anything, which was MY GOAL. I have to give to God everyday. I no longer take Zoloft, I no longer need it, I no longer feel bad or sad or have any kind of anxiety. I don't even get angry anymore. I try.....but it doesn't come out. I'm calm when I'm mad. I don't cuss anymore. I still cry....BUT.....its mostly good stuff!!! :) Like praising the Lord.

I'm LOVING who I'm becoming. I'm not even close or near to who I want to be. I want to be so much more. I want to be Gods tool in this life to use to show others about him. I have a reason and a purpose for this life. I have a reason and purpose of the trials I have faced. We all have a reason and we all can touch and teach many people the strength God has given us during those hard times. I can even be a witness for when I was living in darkness. I am so glad that I did, because I can touch so many more people and can show them how Gods love can deliver you out of the sinful bondage. God did a HUGE miracle for me, in such a loving, gentle way.....BUT.....He opened the door for me, but I had to walk through it. Meaning, he changed Cass's heart, but I had to walk through the door and make a choice and decision to turn my life over and to get rid of the people in my life that were part of my darkness. It hurt.....totally hurt!!!! I fell in love with this man, and for MY GOOD, MY BENEFIT, MY WALK WITH THE LORD, I had to walk away. And you know what? I am so at peace. I am happy. I am calm. I am free!!!!!!!! I trust the one person that knows my future, that wants to pour his blessings on me, who wants me to be happy and have my hearts desires. I trust that he will give me those. He has promised in his word. Ask, and you shall receive. It might not be my time, but Gods time is perfect!!!!
I don't know whats going to happen with Mark and I. He has told me hes quitting and moving to San Antonio this year. He might do it....and we might get divorced. I don't want that. But I'm not going to worry about it. God has a wonderful plan for me for he has told me. I don't know if that involves Mark or not, but I trust and have faith in God. I will still be that faithful wife that God wants me to be, even though my husband isn't. I will still pray for both of them!!!

My husband

I know Mark loved me. Sometimes I think of all the bad things he did or the annoying things he did that drove me crazy. But at the end of the day, I can say that Mark is and was a great man to me. He did alot for me. He sacrificed alot and even did things to make him unhappy, to make me happy or to help me out.

Mark came and visited me when my mom died, when we had never met before
Mark moved up here to be with me a week after he graduated high school and all he had was a suit case
Mark left his family and friends and everything he grew up around for ME!!!
Mark stayed every single night in the hospital when I had my kidney cancer surgery
Mark proposed to me with a fairy tale proposal
Mark was there for hours when I miscarried our last twin, in the bathroom, helping me when I felt, hot and cold and was bleeding everywhere
Mark was there when I had to get my ectopic shots in my back

My husband had a very good heart and he still does. I do pray everyday all day long that he will turn from darkness and turn to Jesus. I even pray that if we never get back together that I hope he will be right with God. I do love him. I also feel like God has taken the desire of romance out of me for him, to focus on God and God alone. I have a romance for God. I honestly want God to be my everything. I want to be able to go through life not needed or wanting anyone other than God. Lately I feel it. I feel Him around me, hugging me, being there with all my trials and hurts. I do get and feel lonely sometimes, but I know its normal.

I know that Mark never thought that I appreciated him or that I took him for granted. I knew, but I was very selfish in showing it. I cant go back and change it, but I have learned and know I cant do that to him or anyone ever again. I hope one day Mark can see that I did and do love him. I hope he can see by me fighting for us and our marriage is my love for him. I don't know if we will ever be back together or if its Gods will. I pray everyday for Gods will. He might have someone else out there for me, or no one. I don't know, but I have trust and have faith in God that he will lead me down a path of happiness. I want nothing but happiness for Mark, even if I may not be that person. Sometimes I just want to go run to him and give him the biggest hug and pray with him. I want to be able to look in his eyes of love and not of darkness. I want him to be fully happy with God as his focus. My husband is a very smart, loving, giving man. I have been blessed with him in my life and I am glad I can call him my husband even though hes not here with me. I am glad that we have 3 precious babies in heaven that I got to have with him.

I want Gods will in my life and for Marks. I don't know what will happen and sometimes, honestly, I don't see us back together. But I think, I never saw him cheating and leaving either, so I'm not going to rely on those feelings. I have learned to never trust my emotions or feelings, that scripture says, your heart can deceive you!

Please pray for our marriage. I know God says in scriptures that he HATES divorce. I know with God all things are possible!!!