My husband

I know Mark loved me. Sometimes I think of all the bad things he did or the annoying things he did that drove me crazy. But at the end of the day, I can say that Mark is and was a great man to me. He did alot for me. He sacrificed alot and even did things to make him unhappy, to make me happy or to help me out.

Mark came and visited me when my mom died, when we had never met before
Mark moved up here to be with me a week after he graduated high school and all he had was a suit case
Mark left his family and friends and everything he grew up around for ME!!!
Mark stayed every single night in the hospital when I had my kidney cancer surgery
Mark proposed to me with a fairy tale proposal
Mark was there for hours when I miscarried our last twin, in the bathroom, helping me when I felt, hot and cold and was bleeding everywhere
Mark was there when I had to get my ectopic shots in my back

My husband had a very good heart and he still does. I do pray everyday all day long that he will turn from darkness and turn to Jesus. I even pray that if we never get back together that I hope he will be right with God. I do love him. I also feel like God has taken the desire of romance out of me for him, to focus on God and God alone. I have a romance for God. I honestly want God to be my everything. I want to be able to go through life not needed or wanting anyone other than God. Lately I feel it. I feel Him around me, hugging me, being there with all my trials and hurts. I do get and feel lonely sometimes, but I know its normal.

I know that Mark never thought that I appreciated him or that I took him for granted. I knew, but I was very selfish in showing it. I cant go back and change it, but I have learned and know I cant do that to him or anyone ever again. I hope one day Mark can see that I did and do love him. I hope he can see by me fighting for us and our marriage is my love for him. I don't know if we will ever be back together or if its Gods will. I pray everyday for Gods will. He might have someone else out there for me, or no one. I don't know, but I have trust and have faith in God that he will lead me down a path of happiness. I want nothing but happiness for Mark, even if I may not be that person. Sometimes I just want to go run to him and give him the biggest hug and pray with him. I want to be able to look in his eyes of love and not of darkness. I want him to be fully happy with God as his focus. My husband is a very smart, loving, giving man. I have been blessed with him in my life and I am glad I can call him my husband even though hes not here with me. I am glad that we have 3 precious babies in heaven that I got to have with him.

I want Gods will in my life and for Marks. I don't know what will happen and sometimes, honestly, I don't see us back together. But I think, I never saw him cheating and leaving either, so I'm not going to rely on those feelings. I have learned to never trust my emotions or feelings, that scripture says, your heart can deceive you!

Please pray for our marriage. I know God says in scriptures that he HATES divorce. I know with God all things are possible!!!