I know I'm still weak. I know that living in sin and turning back on the walk with the Lord takes time, patience, dedication, trust, faith, and focus. The enemy will come attack at every corner. I have been being attacked by one of my weaknesses. That is men!!! I have men tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY, how beautiful I am, or how pretty my eyes or smile are or how sweet I am. I don't get it!!!! I don't see it!!!! I am not asking for it!!! I'm not putting myself in those situations. I'm at home most of the time and yet....somehow....somewhere....there is a man, wanting to be with me. I get flattered, I get honored, but its so easily tempting to fall for it. I cant!!!! I wont!!!! until I am divorced. Its like, I fight for someone, who doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, doesn't think of those things of me, and who cant see me as these men do. I know these men don't "know" me and my flaws, but they see something. Why cant my husband see who I have become? I'm not perfect, I still struggle, I still have some issues, but with my issues, I have laid it before God. I no longer stress over anyone or anything, which was MY GOAL. I have to give to God everyday. I no longer take Zoloft, I no longer need it, I no longer feel bad or sad or have any kind of anxiety. I don't even get angry anymore. I try.....but it doesn't come out. I'm calm when I'm mad. I don't cuss anymore. I still cry....BUT.....its mostly good stuff!!! :) Like praising the Lord.
I'm LOVING who I'm becoming. I'm not even close or near to who I want to be. I want to be so much more. I want to be Gods tool in this life to use to show others about him. I have a reason and a purpose for this life. I have a reason and purpose of the trials I have faced. We all have a reason and we all can touch and teach many people the strength God has given us during those hard times. I can even be a witness for when I was living in darkness. I am so glad that I did, because I can touch so many more people and can show them how Gods love can deliver you out of the sinful bondage. God did a HUGE miracle for me, in such a loving, gentle way.....BUT.....He opened the door for me, but I had to walk through it. Meaning, he changed Cass's heart, but I had to walk through the door and make a choice and decision to turn my life over and to get rid of the people in my life that were part of my darkness. It hurt.....totally hurt!!!! I fell in love with this man, and for MY GOOD, MY BENEFIT, MY WALK WITH THE LORD, I had to walk away. And you know what? I am so at peace. I am happy. I am calm. I am free!!!!!!!! I trust the one person that knows my future, that wants to pour his blessings on me, who wants me to be happy and have my hearts desires. I trust that he will give me those. He has promised in his word. Ask, and you shall receive. It might not be my time, but Gods time is pe
rfect!!!!I don't know whats going to happen with Mark and I. He has told me hes quitting and moving to San Antonio this year. He might do it....and we might get divorced. I don't want that. But I'm not going to worry about it. God has a wonderful plan for me for he has told me. I don't know if that involves Mark or not, but I trust and have faith in God. I will still be that faithful wife that God wants me to be, even though my husband isn't. I will still pray for both of them!!!
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