Yep....we are crazy

Yep, we are crazy....got a new laptop for Christmas and I have been messing with the web cam..... I know though....I look rough..... LOL... I havent been making myself up locked up in the house when its snowing outside!!!

New Year Resolution

So I was sitting here, typing to my friend on her blog and realized, that I need a New Year Resolution. I mean, I guess you don't have to have one, but its good to have a goal to reach.
I think I'm going to have multiple ones. I'm going to list some that I want to do.

To have a healthy, beautiful baby and pregnancy

To appreciate Gods blessings more

To be a better wife, friend, person and grandchild

To help others know Christ

To not stress over my health and dieing all the time and just enjoy living

To lose some weight, that I may be healthier

To not judge

To not be selfish

To not be jealous

To be a happy person and smile more

To see Mark become a daddy

None of these are in order and I might add more later. These are things and issues that I struggle with or have the hearts desire for. In 2004, I had a resolution to stop drinking sodas and I haven't since. I am now going on 6 years of no sodas. That makes me feel strong and encourages me that any of the things listed above can and will happen!!!

God has blessed us through another year and I hope 2010 is full of blessings and happiness.

New Poll

I put this poll on the side of my blog about when you think I will get pregnant. I thought it would be fun!!! Take a guess......

God is awesome

So I want to share a story how God speaks to me over little, but yet big things to me. It means alot and it just shows how awesome our God is. So a few months ago, we have this light on the side of our house that goes into our kitchen. Well its been out for some years and we have tried to be light bulbs in there and it would never work. Well one day I had this feeling, and voice say...just try and put a light bulb in there, what will hurt? So I got Mark to put it in there, because hes tall and I'm short and that's how we roll, lol and then :wal-la: there was light!!!

So last night, we needed light and our bedroom light had stopped working a few years ago....I was fixing my bed and the light was on and I was trying to make the blankets straight on the bed, so I swooshed the covers and it hit the cord to pull the light on and it hit the light and then it stopped working ever since then. (and for some reason I cant explain anything tonight, lol, you like my new words I'm making up as I go?? lol) So we have tried to see if we could fix it, because that's one of the main lights in our room, and it was hard to see. I had to go get some lamps so we could see better. Last night, I had the same voice say the same thing. He told me, Just try it, whats there to hurt? So I was going to go in the pantry to look for the light bulbs (oh and I have to tell you another story just in a bit about that) and then we tried it and :wal-la: it worked. I posted a pic up that I took with my lovely laptop video cam of it, lol. I am just so excited and so thrilled that God has let me have an open heart and mind for these things to hear him. I heard him tell me I'm going to get pregnant, so I'm holding on to that hope and faith and I'm just waiting on his time to show me.

But about the other story. For the past few days, I have been wanting to post pictures up of Christmas and our blizzard and everything else that has been happening for the past few weeks. So I got a new laptop for Christmas and I was wanting to stick my new editing program on it so I can post the new pics....oh I broke ours, so Mark took it apart and now my cards wont read on it, so that's why I havent been able to post. So I was looking for like 3 days and was getting mad cause I knew that it was around here somewhere. At one point I thought someone came in and robbed us and all they took was my editing program, lol. I was going a little crazy. So then all of a sudden I remembered putting some stuff in my closet in the pantry....I get to the pantry and then the basket isn't there....I put the basket in the laundry room....so what did I do with the stuff in there? So to make this story a little shorter, while I was looking in the pantry for the light bulbs, I look up and there is the bag, I touch it, and there it is. I feel like God gave me 2 blessings in like 2 minutes. Hes just an awesome God.

So to leave on this note.....last night, something came to me.......

God is my electrician.....HE LIGHTS UP MY WORLD!!!

Christmas morning

Our traditonal Christmas breakfast

My new shag rug hubby got me.....it feels good in between my toesies, lol

Breakfast table with the food....nothing too fancy

Some of my gifts

Papa....hes so cute, lol

I know i look rough....dont hate!!

We were all still asleep



except for my papa

Merry Christmas everyone...you know I had one of the best Christmas's this year. God has been so good to me. I hope this time next year, I have a little baby to share with everyone!!!

Christmas

I have to say this was one of my best Christmas's in a long time. God gave us our white Christmas. This might sound silly to everyone, but you can ask the ones close to me...I always said, " I wish we would get a blizzard!!" and they always told me, oh Rachel, you dont know what your talking about. But I did! Because I loved every bit of it. Im actually sad that its melting, I really dont want it to melt. Its so beautiful outside and I guess snow means alot to me. But they have been saying that tomorrow night we are expected to get another 2 inches....yea!!! I wanted to share some pictures of our Christmas and the snow we got!!

This was about 3pm Chrismtas Eve.

This was before around 8am, Chrismtas Eve.

My grandpas tracks.

Look how high the snow got!

Im going to post more pics on my other blog.

Christmas Eve

Its here!!! Christmas is here and so is the snow!!! I always wanted a white Christmas and God has given that to me. He has blessed me with something that I have always wanted. My husband is also here when he should be at work. We knew that he was going to have to work on Christmas and then God had other plans. We are snowed in!!! The traffic all over and around us have been horrible. 4 Semis have tipped over causing road blockage and road closing. We have had our first blizzard. YES BLIZZARD!!! Who would of ever thought that Wichita Falls Texas would have a blizzard, but that's what we got. Some of my friends got stuck in it, we were blessed to stay home and enjoy it and play in it. I on the other hand had a blast!!! I will post pictures up soon, either on this blog or the other one. Christmas is in the morning and I cant wait what the good Lord has blessed us with under the tree. I want to remember what Christmas is really about.
As I think of a baby, I have been thinking alot of Jesus as a baby lately. For what Mary and Joseph had to go through and to think that they were poor and yet God took care of them. Its amazing how God gives us blessings. I feel like sometimes God just pours his blessings on us. We are always taken care of and always have more than what we need or deserve.
I am still hoping and praying and having faith as this year ends and another one begins that I can have a baby, let me correct myself...a healthy baby growing in my belly. I want to have 9 wonderful, stress free, healthy, awesome months and a wonderful labor, delivery. I know God has something special for us....I can feel it!!!
Leaving with that note......Merry Christmas everyone!!! I will post tomorrow :)

To my baby

Even though I have not met you, even though I havent held you, or even felt you move inside of me, my love for you is so strong.

You are someone that I have been wanting my whole life, someone I want to love and take care of and teach how amazing and wonderful our Lord is.

I want to be able to count your fingers and toes and kiss your cheeks and belly.

I want to hold you against my chest and rock you back and forth and sing too, till your sweet eyes close shut from this world.

I want to be able to look down at your sweet face and body and see which triats came from me and your daddy.

I want you to look at me with your big baby eyes and see your mother who loves you so much.

I want you to grab my finger with your 5 tiny precious fingers with all your might, knowing that I will always take care of you.

I want to smell the baby smell on your sweet head after giving you a bath.

I want your daddy to carry you in your car seat and me with your diaper bag as we go places as a family.

I want to hear your giggles.

I want to hear your coos.

I want to watch you sleep.

I want to make silly faces so I can see your gummy smile.

I want to see you learn.

I want to see you wiggle as you learn your hands and feet.

I want to change your diapers and make you feel nice and clean.

I want to love on you and be a proud mother to a wonderful, beautiful baby.

I want to be the best mother that I can be for a blessing from God.

I want to be your mother.

Message from God

On this day of your life, Rachel, we believe God wants you to know ... that a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing.

I get these on facebook and some of them are out there but some are right on the nail, but it makes you think some of the things that God really wants us to know.

Im sick....blah

I thought my cold was going away. But today I went to the YMCA to go play racquetball, just because I haven't done anything the past few days, and needed too. Well first, let me back up. We woke up around 12 and then got dressed and then ran some errands and got something to eat. Well then I got extremely tired, so tired that I had to come home and go to sleep. So I took me like an hour or two nap and got up to go work out. We wernt done with our errands and we still needed to go to the grocery store. So we went to the Y and played for maybe 30 minutes and then I got so sick. I wanted to pass out and throw up. I have been playing racquetball for awhile and sweated and it was nothing, so I'm thinking it has to do with my sickness. I feel much better, my nose is not running as much, and I can smell and taste. So I don't know why I would feel so sick. Maybe its what I have been eating lately. I haven't been eating what I should be. I have horrible headaches lately too. Who knows...maybe its just stress and the weather. Its hot and then its cold, so I don't get it.
Oh and did you know that today is the shortest day of the year with light, and June 21st is the longest. I thought that was good information and also, today is the first day of winter. Hmm....I wore shorts outside today!!! Texas is just weird!!

I wanna know

I know many people dont read this blog, and I kinda like it that way. But I wanna know

WHEN DO YOU THINK IM GOING TO GET PREGNANT??
WHEN WILL MY DUE DATE BE??
WHAT WILL BE THE SEX OF THE BABY??

I think, this might be fun and we can see whos the closest. I think Im going to take a guess. But first, I keep telling my friend and hubby that it would be cool to have a baby on 10-10-10. So I think thats going to be my guess. I think Im going to get pregnant in January 21st. lol Who knows.....I havent even calculated to see if that is 9 months, lol and its going to be a girl :) aww....

Whats in store for us?

So as this year ends and another begins, I have been thinking alot what 2010 will be in store for us. Honestly, in the past, I hate New Years. I don't like thinking that a year can make you devastated or be boring or be awesome. You can lose so much in a year and gain so much. But as it starts, I gradually get over it and take on the challenges.
I honestly thought that 2009 would of been the year that we would of became mother and father. But as its closing and I'm not pregnant or have a baby, I realize that wasn't what God had in store for us.
Do you ever get that feeling? A feeling like something good or bad will happen? Well I have that feeling, like I'm going to get pregnant soon. But I thought last December I was going to be pregnant too, and that didn't happen. Only God knows when we will get pregnant and have a baby.
My friend Tina had her baby this morning. Hes too cute!! He was a big baby weighing at 9 lbs and 4 oz. But the only thing that matters is if his momma and him are healthy and doing great!!! By what I read from her husbands updates (which there arnt enough Tina, hehe) they are doing awesome and loving Judah. I am so happy for them, and I think the day that I will get to experience what they are experiencing. I cant wait to hear her birth story and everything that happened and more pictures!!!
So whats in store for us in 2010? Only God knows!!! But I know he has given me this hearts desire for a family and a baby, and I know it comes from him, and he is just getting me ready and prepared. I also think he is teaching me patience through this whole ordeal.
I know being pregnant for 9 months can be stressful, especially if you lost babies already. But I know God will watch over us and keep us healthy. I think of the whole process and everything you need to do when your pregnant. All the Dr appointments, the blood test and all the other test, getting everything ready and prepared for the baby, the growing belly and the aches, the anticipation of the arrival of your bundle of joy. But I know in the end, it will be all worth it. I just know right now, I'm at the beginning of the starting line and I need to get to the finish. I have along ways ahead of me, but I know through faith, I can finish and be blessed!!!

Interesting information

Your Pregnancy: Week 13
Welcome to the last week of your first trimester. Any day now you'll start to feel your energy (and libido!) return. You may even be able to hold down a bite of food. Imagine that! Take advantage of your new robust status and go out to dinner, catch a movie or take that last big pre-baby vacay. Trust us, do it now, because in a few months you'll be too big to sausage yourself into the airplane seats (even if you can afford first class!).Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week?
Read on...What You're Thinking:

"OK, fine, my skinny jeans aren't working anymore—and my "fat day" clothes don't even fit. I'm going shopping and I'm not coming back until I've got something I look fabulous in." Your BodySay hello to the girls! Your boobs are probably looking pretty glorious at this point. You can thank your hormones for your newfound cleavage. (Yes, those same hormones that had you hugging the porcelain throne for the past 12 weeks. See, they're not all bad!) Estrogen and progesterone are stimulating the milk-producing glands in your boobs and making them grow, grow, grow. Your belly may be popping out a bit now as well. If you're feeling "huge" already, just wait. You ain't seen nothing yet! All women start showing at different times in their pregnancies, so don't stress if you're not obviously pregnant ... or if you already look like you're in your 14th month.You may experience a little milky discharge "down there" this week—it's nothing to worry about. As your pregnancy continues, you can expect more of this leucorrhea (that's the technical term for it).

Your Baby

Your baby can make a fist and even suck his or her thumb this week—both skills that are über-cute during infancy ... and not so much at the age of 9. If you're really lucky, you might catch a glimpse of baby's thumb sucking on an ultrasound photo. That's a framer! Other exciting developments include:Your baby's eyelids are fused shut to protect his eyes as they develop. His bones and skull are solidifying and soon itsy-bitsy ribs may appear. (Baby ribs! How cute is that?!) Baby's intestines are finally right where you want them—in his or her belly instead of poking out into the umbilical cord. Baby's tooth sockets are all loaded and ready to pop out baby teeth six or seven months after baby is born (causing baby a lot of pain and you a lot of lost sleep).Who's that singing? Elton John? Could be your baby: His vocal cords and larynx are completed now.Your baby-to-be now weighs about 20 grams and is nearly 3 inches long, or about the size of a Nutter Butter, covered in chocolate. OK, it doesn't have to be covered in chocolate, but isn't everything better that way?

So I was reading about the Duggars who had their baby way early. I was wondering how far along she was, in which week she was pregnant when she had her baby girl. So I looked up how devoloped a baby would be at 25 weeks, which thats what I read, how far along she was and decided to look up 13 weeks. I thought it was good information....

Hello Vacation

ITS MY VACATION!!!! I am so excited but these 2 weeks, but they always fly by. There is so much going on and its such a wonderful time of the year that I feel like I dont get to enjoy it like I wish I can. But I am!!! I am going to have a good Christmas and a good New Years!!! The bad thing though about this year is that Mark has to work on Christmas Eve and day and New Years Eve and Day. But we will somehow celebrate and spend time with each other. We have been trying to remember that there are alot of families who have to sacrifice their loved ones, because we are blessed to have a job and that there are people, police, Dr's, nurses, etc, all working on the holidays.

Also, latley, I have been sick. It seems to be getting worse. Its just a simple cold, but I know alot of nasty stuff has been going around. Im trying to take my vitamins and drink orange juice, so maybe I can start feeling better.

I just cant believe that Christmas is in a week and that New Years is almost here. Who knew that 2010 would be here already. I remember celebrating 2000 and everyone thought that the computers were going to crash and people went and out and put batteries, water and food to put back. 10 years later.....wow....it just amazes me sometimes. What a blessing to live through these years and be healthy and happy. I do hope that 2010 is our year for a little one. I would love to have a little one around this time next year, getting them ready for their first Christmas. I keep praying for a little one....

Darn Rebecca!!! =o)

That is so sweet and so true! Your mother was such an amazing woman, she had a huge impact on me. I think of her all the time, and wonder what life would be like if she would still be here. Me and Shirley had a lot in common, even the un spoken, like the way we had love for the Golden Girls. I mean, its kinda hard to explain and may sound silly about a tv show, but she and I got it like it should be gotten, where as some people may watch the show, and be like hmmm, I dont get it?. If that makes any sense. I loved your mom like she was my own mother, I really did. I loved going to your house, not only to hang out with you, but I loved to spend time with your mom also. She was so different than my mom in a lot of ways, yet they were the same in a lot of ways also. She did a very excellent job of raising you, I would love to be able to say one day that I did that well with Dominick. I know that I am far, far, from that. But I got a few years to go, lol. I also believe that you are your mother. You are going to be such a great mom to your children, both you and Mark. Your children may not physically have you mom with them, but they will have her with them through you every day. I will never forget your mother, and I know that one day you are going to be just as wonderful as a mother as she was!!!

My mom

I have been thinking about my mom alot lately. I'm not sure if its because Christmas is here and its my favorite time of the year, or if its because she died around this time of year, or if its because I would love for her to tell me what I need to hear about trying for a baby, or maybe its just all of those.
I wonder what she would say and do in my situation right now. I can only remember my mom as a 16 year old, and her being my mother and making sure I was being raised the right way and that I was making good choices. I wish I could talk to my mother now that I'm a woman. I know she would give me all the right words and the encouragement to make me feel good. My mom was a really strong, independent and a very good role model of a woman. She is honestly my hero and to this day, I think about making her proud and happy of me.
I wish she was here to be happy of having a grandchild and tell me everything she would get them and how she would love to take care of them while me and my husband went on a date. I know my mom would be head over heels for my children. She would of been a very good grandma and she would of loved to teach me everything that I needed to know to take care of a baby.
Now, that I want a baby so much, it just makes me appreciate being a mother and everything that they sacrifice for you. I guess growing up, you never think about being inside of your moms belly and she takes care of you and feeds you and goes through pain for you and then raises you. Kids don't think that, and I know they shouldn't, but now as I'm older, it makes my moms love stronger to me. Being a mom is a wonderful thing. I cant wait to be a mother and to take care of my baby. I want to raise them to glorify the Lord and to be a good Christian. I believe my mom raised and instilled all that in me.
My mom was a single mom who never got married. She always told me, she did wrong, but she never regreted having me. She never believed in abortion and she told me, it never crossed her mind. She always told me, I wasn't an accident, I was more of a "oops", lol. My mom loved me more than anything and she told me that all the time. I was her life, and she went through pain of dieing of cancer, just so she could be with me and wouldn't have to die to leave me here. That alone meant alot to me that I think about all the time. I know one day soon, I will see her in heaven. Until then, she is taking care of my precious babies in heaven and telling them all about how stubborn and spoilt their momma is.
Thank you God for such a wonderful mother and to be raised in a good Christian home. I hope I can be a good mother as my mother was to me.

Thinking....

I was thinking today about our babies in heaven. Mark was praying today with me and he always thanks God for our babies and the babies we are going to have, and sometimes I honestly forget I'm a mother. Even if people don't know, or cant see, I am one, and Mark is a daddy. We didn't get to hold our babies in our arms and kiss them and hear them laugh and see them smile, but we know they are doing those things in heaven. It makes me want a baby even more. To think what they would be doing and what they would look like brings a smile to my face. I always wonder what our baby is going to look like and how they are going to act and what character traits they have from both of us.

As the new year is approaching, my goal is to get pregnant and have a baby in 2010. I wanted that in 2009, but I'm not sure if I wanted a baby as much as I do now. I think I was still coping over our losses. It still scares me to think of losing another baby, but I guess deep down, I have faith that I wont. We pray to God and ask him, in HIS time. I ask God to please never let us lose another baby and that I would wait for him to give us our baby when he thinks we are ready.

As Christmas approaches, I have been listening to music that talks about the birth of Jesus. The real reason for the season. But there is this one song by Reliant K, that I just love. It talks about Jesus opening his eyes and speaking his first words and it reminds me the innocence and preciousness of a baby. Its a really special song for this CHRISTmas season!!!

So it came

The Pre-Seed came today. The other day, I told Mark that I'm going to order it, and that's when he told me he already got it. I'm so proud of him, because he actually got the right one. My husband is a big shopper on the Internet. I'm not...so I guess that's good one of us is. If I cant touch it or feel it when I fork my money out, I'm a little hesitant on buying it. But I'm excited to use it. Maybe I'm one step closer to holding a little bundle of joy in my arms. I'm feeling positive. I'm not even sure if I want Mark to go ahead and get checked out or just wait and see. I guess I'm going to leave that up to him.

So I read where Kendra had her baby the other day, a 9 pounder. And then today, Kourtney Kardashian had her baby. Both boys. I'm sure they are feeling the love and bonding with their newborns.

I just cant get over how excited and positive I'm feeling. I am really hoping this stuff works for us. Maybe from my stress and thinking about it so much, it made me so dry and thats what my problem has been. I'm hoping this is our answer. Please keep us in your prayers as we try for a baby in the months to come. Its going to be a new year, and I really hope my baby is born in the next year. Me and Mark are ready to be a mommy and daddy :)

So I found out...

that Mark bought me Pre-Seed like a week or two ago!!! YEA!!! Happy early Christmas to me!! I was going to buy it, if I didnt start my period. Well I did on the 12th. Im okay with it though. I am really hoping that this Pre-Seed works. I keep reading all the success stories on it, and Im hoping I can fall in that catagory. God has told me Im going to get pregnant, and I have faith that I will. He is an awesome God and I know he has no lies. Im hoping Im right, but I just have this strong sense that January is the month. I could be wrong. My stress has gone down alot, but I have been noticing how broke I am for the holidays. I dont get paid for 2 weeks and that really makes things hard. To depend on your weekly paycheck and then through the most expensive time of the year, and not to have it, is hard. But I know this every year, it just seems like though, things are getting harder and more expensive, and I know that everyone else feels it. God will provide. I keep having to remind myself, the true meaning of Christmas. But still...its nice to give. I want to be able to give Mark and my grandpa a good Christmas. You never know when its someones last Christmas. I think of those things every holiday. I try to make it memorable and the best!!
Im waiting on my friend Tina's baby. Judah is just snuggled up in his mommys belly this winter. Im so excited for her. We both have gone through the same thing and lost an angel, and I know she is just exstatic that she is so close to hold him in her arms. I hope one day to feel that and to go through that. Though, I dont know if I want to go onto 41 weeks, lol. But God will let Judah out of there whenever he is ready for Judah to meet this world. Maybe this is the week Tina!!! I know your ready for him!!

Mommy quote graphics




Mommy quote graphics

Urologist Appointment

Well...we went to the Dr today. Didn't really say much. Checked Mark over and asked some questions, but he didn't seem concerned to why we wernt getting pregnant. He told us it took him and his wife 4 years with both of their kids. WHAT? I made a face, like OH NO!!! But one thing I am feeling comfortable and content with, is my Dr's. I feel like God has put some awesome Dr's in my path. My urologist, which did my kidney cancer, his wife uses my GYN. So I feel like their all connected and if he trust his wife with him, then that's good that I'm going to him too.
He wants Mark to go get a semen check up and just see, because that's about all he can do right now. Deep down, I feel like I'm over doing it. That I'm making Mark do all these things, that arnt necessary. But I feel like if I don't do it, then I'm wasting all this time, that if there is something wrong, I wouldn't know the answers and could be trying to fix them or trying different methods. Does that make sense?
I feel like in my heart though, that we're going to get pregnant, and its going to be natural....no meds or nothing. But yet, I keep pushing him to do all these things. I'm not sure why I'm going through this. I just feel like........desperate, I guess. I want a baby so darn bad, and everyone says, "oh you will, just wait". But I don't want to wait anymore. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. My friends who have miscarried with me, are pregnant, or has had their baby, and I'm left. I want to feel what their feeling. I want to move on and watch my baby grow up and smile and change everyday, and learn so much. I want to hold them, and kiss them, and play with them, and change their stinky diapers. I want to get up in the middle of the night to feed them, and bond with them, just me and them, and look at the wonderful creation God has let me take care of and let be a part of me and my husband and to teach them and let them learn to glorify God. I want a family with my husband. I want to be able to give him a daughter or son. I want us to be called mommy and daddy. I want to raise them to know God and to do his will. I want to be good examples of a Christian loving family with good morals. I want to be able to kiss their boo boo's and hug them when their scared and comfort them when their heart gets broken. I want my success to be a of a good mother and a good wife and to be a wonderful child of God. I want my God and my family to be proud of me.
Now I know their is alot of I's. I noticed this blog has alot of I's in it. I dont like that. My life shouldn't be about me, it should be as to what I can do for others and for God. This blog is my "heart". I know I have said this before, but my heart aches and desires a baby so much.
One day though.....one day.........

Random Post

I love to write on this blog. I think about a baby all the time and I just really want a baby. I feel like all day, everyday, I think about a baby and what it would be like to be pregnant and to feel my baby kicking in my belly, and to go through labor and what it would it be like to hold my little baby in my arms. I dream of all those things. I also think about, how long it takes to have a baby and all the worry and care during that time to have a healthy baby. But I know God is going to give us a baby, a healthy baby.
I know it seems like I repeat myself alot on these blogs. I noticed I do talk about the same things. Its helped me to talk about how I have been feeling and my dreams. Its also good to have very supportitive friends. :)
Oh and today wasnt so bad with work. Everyone chipped in and it all got done. Now onto the big night, tomorrow night.
I just remembered how messy my room is, lol. I know this is a very random blog, but facebook isnt working and I just ate and need to sit up. :)
Is anyone else excited about Christmas time??? I love listening to the music on my blog. This is my favorite time of the year, and I would love to find out Im pregnant for Christmas :) Wouldnt that be an awesome gift from the Lord!!!??? His time, is the best time!!!

Needed to vent

So this Friday is Marks appointment and our banquet at work. Alot has been going down, and it seems like bam, bam, bam, always something to do. I have a list a work, and my boss keeps adding to it, and I'm getting to the point, where I tell her, Ill get to it if i have time. My job has been so good this year. Alot of stress was lifted off of me and things was seeming to go my way, but now it seems like its falling back to the old way again.
Rachel do this, Rachel do that, Rachel knows how to do it, Rachel can do it, Rachel, I'm leaving and you need to fill in for me, Rachel you need to go here, Rachel wipe my butt.
Literally it seems to be getting that bad. I don't know what these people are thinking. I mean, I cant do it all, and then when I don't do it, because I'm doing something else on my list, they look at me like Ive done nothing and wasted time or something. I'm getting really agitated and yes, my boss is right....I don't care about this banquet, and I don't care if the kids are happy or not. Why, I don't care is because I do so much for it, and it seems like the kids don't even care about it, so why would I put so much sweat and blood into it, for nothing? Some of the staff seem like their allergic to working on it. "oh, i don't know how". Well I guess this is the time to learn!!! But you know what? Some things arnt getting done, and someone else is going to have to do it.....tomorrow is the last day to finish everything and I hope it all gets done, but if it doesn't.....oops....

I called my GYN

So when I went to the Dr the other day for Mark, we asked him about Pre-Seed, he told us he wouldn't recommend us using it, well that really bothered me. So I decided to call my GYN and see if he has heard of it, or if he recommended it or didn't, or had any problems or issues with it. Though I didn't get to talk to him, his super duper awesome nurse Barbara called me back and told me, that it wouldn't hurt. She said she didn't know anyone who used it, but that it wouldn't hurt, since its a lube. My friend Tina used it and has gotten pregnant. I don't know if everyone who has used it, that the product has made them pregnant, or if it was just their month, but at this rate, I don't think anything would hurt. BUT, I don't want to cause any more problems or issues either.
Mark still has his Dr appointment Friday with the urologist and I called to see what they would do and check, just so Mark can feel a little better about it and they told me that their probably just going to talk to him and maybe get some blood work. I'm worried with Marks stress and the nurse today said that HIS stress can be causing us not to get pregnant too, and for us both to be stressed so much the past months, I'm sure wasn't helping it.
I'm alot better with this Zoloft and it has calmed me down alot and I don't think I'm dieing all the time. I feel like my old self again, and I miss feeling this way. I know this is the normal way to feel and think.
But Mark just needs to not stress, though his job isn't helping. I think if we just start eating better and working out more, we wont be so stressed and maybe that will help us out alot.
I could be wrong....but I feel like my time is coming soon!!!! I always thought that December was our month, but I'm thinking January.....we need another Libra in our family, huh Mark? lol Marks whole family seems to be Libras and all of our birthdays are right after each other. I wouldn't mind a baby for my birthday :)

This really touched me and made me cry

Awww, Rachel! What a precious baby boy. That is really amazing how they develop so quickly! I know that they are in Heaven with Shirley having the time of their life playing with grandma! You know that your mom is with them and they are all 3 watching over you and they are with you everyday in all that you do. They were very blessed to have you and Mark as parents, while they we're living in your belly! One day yall are going to make such wonderful parents, and God is going to bless yall in so many wonderful ways! =)



Thanks Rebecca!!! This really meant alot to me, especially since alot of people didnt know my mom like you did!!

Baby Mark Jr.

I was looking through the baby book that I had made when I was pregnant a little earlier today, and decided I wanted to share some pictures of Mark Jr. Who knew at 13 weeks how much a baby would look like a baby. Mark Jr. had all his fingers and toes and all his features, but they just wernt all developed yet. When I first saw him, I fell in love. I know what it feels like to see your baby for the first time and the love that you have for them automatically. I remember looking at him smiling, even though I just went through this horrible ordeal. But he looked just like his father to me. That's why we named him Mark Jr. He had his nose and his ankles. His daddy has big ankles, lol. But I was looking through the baby book today and noticed that Mark Jr. would of had my toes. My second toe is bigger than my big toe, lol. I always wonder what our precious boys would of looked like, especially a year later. They would be walking and so big. I guess us women who have lost an angel, will always wonder and will always remember how many years its been and wonder what they would look like and what they would be doing. We do need to focus on the future and remember that one day we will see our precious babies in heaven.

Something I wanted to share

After me and Mark went and worked out and played raquetball, we went to the grocery store so we could get some groceries, because honestly, we havent gotten any since before Thanksgiving, lol. But anyways, while we were there, Mark saw a worker that he works with and he had his little baby girl in a stroller. I fell in love. Sometimes I wonder if I am really ready for a baby and if I really, truly want one. But my heart just melted looking at his precious baby girl. Her name was Delilah and she was 5 months. I was tickeling her feet and making baby noises while her daddy and Mark talked. I asked if I could babysit, lol. He has never met me before, lol. I just wanted to share, how much I really want a baby and how much Im ready for one. I know my heart aches for one and I hope one day soon, I can see that BFP!!! Im hoping too that we have a baby girl. I will be happy and grateful for a boy or girl. But since me and Mark can only decide on girl names, lol....we have to stick to that. Though I do miss my baby boys.

Friends

We had to get new family Dr a few months ago and Mark had never gone to get his consultation. So we went Friday to get him checked out and so our Dr could be his official Dr. As much as Mark didn't want me to ask, I asked if it would help if Mark could take Folic Acid for his sperm. I had read in a few different places on the Internet that it would be helpful for couples who are trying. I just thought it was a woman drug. But, he said what we would really need to do first is to check his sperm mobility and to go to a Urologists. Well, I have one from my kidney, so we did make an appointment, though I had to talk Mark into it. I know its a man thing and its awkward for them. But the Dr told me that they usually start with the men first and then the woman, cause the man is usually one thing, and then the women could be many factors. I had talked to my GYN about this last November and he didn't think there was any problems with any of us, because we did get pregnant the first time. But Mark kinda thinks that since he started working at this new job, hes under so much stress, that maybe that could be affecting is. Marks blood pressure was over 200/100. The nurse was freaking out and asked him if he was trying to have a heart attack. We have been worried about him, because its been so high, and we both think it could be from his job. But the Dr was worried and put him on some medicine, so hopefully this will help out. But Mark has a Dr's appointment this next Friday and so hopefully we can get some answers soon, or try and figure out if there is any problem at all. The Dr also said not to do Pre-Seed. But he told me he has never researched it, but if it was to cause a problem or something, then we would have to worry about that and what else isn't getting us pregnant. If Marks sperm mobility is okay, and I have to go to the GYN then I will ask him about it. Like I have said alot of other times, I know God has told me I'm going to get pregnant, but its like every time I get my hopes up or try something different, I feel like I get shot down and I'm at a dead end road. Ive kinda been feeling down a bit lately, because of all this. But me and Mark went and joined the YMCA for a Holiday Trimmings discount thing they are having for 6 weeks, so we joined it to try and get healthier. We both know we are over weight and need to lose weight. We went today and played racquetball for an hour nonstop. We were such active kids back in the day and in High School, but I guess when you graduate and the real world hits you, you are so busy with every day life that other things get put on the back burner. But we want to get healthier and to get active and start feeling better.
I just want to say thank you to my 2 friends that follow my blog, for all the nice, encouraging words you always post on here. They all truly mean alot and it lifts my spirits and hopes when I read them.