Well...we went to the Dr today. Didn't really say much. Checked Mark over and asked some questions, but he didn't seem concerned to why we wernt getting pregnant. He told us it took him and his wife 4 years with both of their kids. WHAT? I made a face, like OH NO!!! But one thing I am feeling comfortable and content with, is my Dr's. I feel like God has put some awesome Dr's in my path. My urologist, which did my kidney cancer, his wife uses my GYN. So I feel like their all connected and if he trust his wife with him, then that's good that I'm going to him too.
He wants Mark to go get a semen check up and just see, because that's about all he can do right now. Deep down, I feel like I'm over doing it. That I'm making Mark do all these things, that arnt necessary. But I feel like if I don't do it, then I'm wasting all this time, that if there is something wrong, I wouldn't know the answers and could be trying to fix them or trying different methods. Does that make sense?
I feel like in my heart though, that we're going to get pregnant, and its going to be natural....no meds or nothing. But yet, I keep pushing him to do all these things. I'm not sure why I'm going through this. I just feel like........desperate, I guess. I want a baby so darn bad, and everyone says, "oh you will, just wait". But I don't want to wait anymore. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. My friends who have miscarried with me, are pregnant, or has had their baby, and I'm left. I want to feel what their feeling. I want to move on and watch my baby grow up and smile and change everyday, and learn so much. I want to hold them, and kiss them, and play with them, and change their stinky diapers. I want to get up in the middle of the night to feed them, and bond with them, just me and them, and look at the wonderful creation God has let me take care of and let be a part of me and my husband and to teach them and let them learn to glorify God. I want a family with my husband. I want to be able to give him a daughter or son. I want us to be called mommy and daddy. I want to raise them to know God and to do his will. I want to be good examples of a Christian loving family with good morals. I want to be able to kiss their boo boo's and hug them when their scared and comfort them when their heart gets broken. I want my success to be a of a good mother and a good wife and to be a wonderful child of God. I want my God and my family to be proud of me.
Now I know their is alot of I's. I noticed this blog has alot of I's in it. I dont like that. My life shouldn't be about me, it should be as to what I can do for others and for God. This blog is my "heart". I know I have said this before, but my heart aches and desires a baby so much.
One day though.....one day.........
Yes, so true Rachel, one day, and it will be one day soon. I know it is just plain awful to wait. But however I do believe that it will make it that much more speical when your time gets here. And no I dont think that you are over doing it by making Mark do all those things, becos what if you didnt do it and then, you find out that yall could have been pregnant a long time ago if yall had just done it. Ya know what Im tring to say? Like I said before, your children are going to be so wonderfully blessed to have you and Mark as parents, to have all that love. Hang in there and keep ya head up like tupac says. Your day is coming Rachel, very, very soon!!!!
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