Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was (with Lyrics)

I was in therapy and I was telling my therapist how Ive changed and Im not who I was anymore and she brought this song up. I knew it, but havent heard it in awhile. This song, is like my song to Mark right now.

Jesus is Risen!!

Happy Easter everyone!!!! My Easter has been weird. Last night I didn't go to bed at all. I got home late and stayed up talking to a really good friend of mine. He was there to talk to me through some things and give me some advice. Hes a little older and wiser and I know God put him here in my life right now for a good reason. I found some stuff out last night, that put me over the edge. An edge I haven't been too, actually in awhile. So I called my friend back up after talking to him for hours and vented again, and he listened. Hes a great guy!

You know...I want to be done....I threw my wedding rings off....yes....I still wear them. I AM married and they are a reminder that I am married. Until the divorce is final, I need to act like a married woman, because God still sees us married. I have been in situations so far and done things, that I shouldn't have, but I AM married. Its not just a piece of paper.....because God says, to follow the rules of the land, and in our country we are legally married, so therefore WERE MARRIED! Mark can go do whatever he wants, but HE will be the one to stand before God and have to repent of each and every single thing he has, is and will be doing. What he is doing is wrong. If he truly is saved, then that fire of God should be eating at him. God should be pounding on his heart and telling him this IS wrong. I cant control Mark, just like I cant control the weather.

I'm tired of caring. I want to move on. Apparently its easier said than done. Deep down, I just want to be happy with someone who loves ME for ME, with the good and the bad.

Church was awesome and I am so thankful that I go to this new church. The people and the atmosphere is what I need right now. Today was my last day in our class. Its sad, but I still have my get-togethers with my SWIGS during the week and then we are going to be starting a new class I'm sure next week. I just cant get enough of God. He still has this peace he has given me, don't get me wrong. He knows my heart, he knows what my true desires are. He knows I'm not perfect and that I'm changing to better myself as a Christian woman. All I know is, I cant wait to see Gods plan unfold before me. My eyes are upon Jesus and I WILL follow the path he has set before me, because it will lead to TRUE happiness.

I pray for Mark and her everyday. They need it. God still loves them, they are his children. I don't hate them. I don't wish bad things upon them. I just don't understand, why Mark hasn't given me my divorce yet. I'm sure its not on his top priority, because hes having "fun". I know he wants the divorce, I'm not sitting here saying, he hasn't gotten it cause hes doubting, I know he does. But Ive been praying for that too. That if this is what really is going to happen, that we get the ball rolling so I can move on with my life. God hasn't put it my heart to go and get the divorce yet, so until then, I'm waiting. I don't think I should anyways, cause this is what HE wanted and chose to do. He needs to pay for it. I don't have the extra money for something like that. But each day that he delays and keeps living in sin, is just a blessing God keeps taking away from him. I feel so bad for Mark. I pray that God would help open up his eyes. Hes really losing alot of Gods blessings for what??? Temporary happiness??? Maybe he doesn't see it this way and maybe someone reading this doesn't agree with me, but its true! Read the Bible :)

Well anyways....I went to church....came home and crashed....and now I'm here :) That was my Sunday! It will definitely be a memorable one.

I cant wait for my future and what the next couple of months has instore and how much I will be growing with Christ and for myself.

It just baffles me, how someone can choose to live a sinful lifestyle. Mark, might as well be a drug addict. What he is doing is wrong every single day. How can you turn your face from God? How can you actually think this lifestyle is better and happier, knowing that you are going against God. How can you let the devil defeat you? Does he not realize Satan is laughing at Mark? I would hate to give the devil any joy for my actions.

Whatever the case is.....this is how I honestly feel. God will NEVER bless this relationship. It doesn't matter if we get divorced and they repent and get married and live right, it will never be blessed. I say that because, their relationship broke up a marriage. Why would God bless that? They broke up a vow, a promise to God. Why would God bestow blessings?? I'm not saying that Mark could never be in a relationship that God would bless, but it wont be this one.

Either way....I'm blessed! I wasn't the best wife, but I have repented. Something some people need to know, if you don't already is.....When you ask God to forgive you, and you keep doing it, then your really not asking for forgiveness or you wouldn't keep doing it. Just like the story in the Bible about the men grabbing a woman who was caught cheating on her husband. They took her before Jesus and told him, she needs to be stoned because that's what the law of Moses says to do for committing adultery. Jesus tells them...."Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone". They couldn't say or do anything, cause they knew they fell short of the glory of the Lord too. BUT, Jesus told her, to go and NOT TO DO AGAIN.

I know I must repeat alot of things over and over each post, but its true and what is on my heart! I'm going to keep smiling :)

Im done!

So I'm done.....I don't want him back, I'm moving on!!!! I deserve better than a man who couldn't handle or fight for his marriage. I wish him the best of luck in life, but hes not the man that I married anymore. I'm accepting that and coming to terms with it.

Mark and I together at our wedding

You know, I have sometimes doubted the love Mark had for me, or if he really deep down loved me. I know in my heart he did.....I just dont understand how someone can walk away, with the Love I thought we had for each other. I can go back and look at our wedding day and I can see our pure happiness and our true Love. It makes me smile for what we once had. I just hope and pray we will someday have it again! Hes my husband and I just want to shout it to the whole world how much I really love him.

Thinking

I have been thinking alot lately and that normally gets you in trouble right? lol

God has put this peace in me....I don't wish harm on Mark and her. I don't want bad things to happen to them. I don't wish happiness for them though. HE is MY husband and I want him with ME and I learned today, there is NOTHING wrong with that. :)

Yesterday, I met with some women who are strong, beautiful, broken, and we all have a story. We all feel the same thing, but all in different ways. I was the youngest. I was the one with the most hope. I was at peace. But yet, I haven't gone through anything yet. Like I said, all of our stories are the same, but all different. Some of us, has gone through more than the others, and some WILL go through more than others. Either way....God has put us together, for each other. We are SWIGS!!!!! We were trying to come up with a name last night and trust me when I say, I'm not this smart.....God must have put it in my heart, because I came up with SWIG (strong women in God). We are strong.....we will fight.....if its for our husbands, our marriage, ourselves, our children, our home, our dignity, our love......we are strong!!!! We have God by our sides.....

Another thing is.....I'm loving who I'm becoming!!!

I'm learning who Rachel is, what Rachel is capable of doing by herself, making her own choices, meeting new people and feeling comfortable and not scared. I'm growing....I'm witnessing....I'm living my life story....

I'm watching everyone around me live their life as if mine was on hold. I do feel like my life is on hold, but yet moving really fast. I guess whats on hold is my dreams. I was living to try and make them come true with a baby, but obviously that's not in the picture anytime soon and you know what? Its okay!!! My plans wasn't Gods plans. I have accepted that. I cant control anything and how things unfolded, but I make the best out of them and learn.

I still long for my husband and a family one day. But right now my dream is for Mark to turn to God and have the desire back in his heart to be with me and to fight for our marriage. Its not going to be easy,its going to be hard. I know we will face many challenges, but if we both have God on our side we will always win!!! I know there will be a trust issue, but I also know it can be restored. Alot of people, tell me, you will never be able to trust him again, he will always be a cheater, and your marriage is going to be hard. I want to share this one little detail........:smiles:

OUR GOD IS.........EVERYTHING (all wonderful words to describe Him). Our God created earth, created humankind, created love, created everything!!! He can DO anything!!!! When we cant think of an exit out of a situation or how we are going to meet our needs or how someone got healed from a life threatening illness or how someone was there at the right place and the right time......that's God. There isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that God will or even has been putting that desire and fire back in Marks heart. THOUGH, Mark has to allow and open himself up to God. You have to think.....if we went around all day, saying people cant change or they will always be this certain way.....where is the hope, the faith???? Ive changed....I believe I have changed for the better. But some saved, God following people can stray......Read this:

A born again
believer knows our sins are forgiven with our
past wiped clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.
We all know we are not perfect in the flesh and
must avoid Satan's attempt to snare us. Nothing
can harden your heart more quickly than
excusing things in your life that are wrong. Sin
will always be our enemy as we live our daily
lives, face our temptations, and walk in the
kingdom of Satan. God's word warns of many
things that are wrong which will harden our
heart against the right. Things that are all
bundled into worldliness, things the Bible
clearly tells us to avoid. "But if ye will not do
so, behold. ye have sinned against the Lord:
and be sure your sin will find you out." Num,
32:23. You cannot excuse sin in your life
without hardening the heart in your bosom, (2).
Lukewarm Mechanical Living: "For their
heart was not right with him, neither were they
steadfast in his covenant." Psa. 78:37. One of
the worst things you can do is to take your
relationship to God for granted. Many foolishly
say, "Now I am saved, that was easy." There
are many miles to travel in life after accepting
Christ at the cross. Being a son of God leads to
a life of vital responsibility to serve God
excitedly, and not ever become lukewarm in
in our daily living.

But God never leaves us, he is there. Mark knows this, I know it! Satan has blind folded him and has deceived him to think this other life is better and you know, Mark might be having a fun time. We all know this wont last. That blindfold will come off or fall and the truth will be shown.

I know and realize, Mark may never come back. When I write in my blog, I'm not waiting on Mark. I mean, I am waiting, but I'm waiting on God to tell me or show me, or put in my heart what his next plan is and right now, Gods plan is to wait..... :)

These pictures are ones I'm sure I have never shared before....the happy, fun times in our life. Some of them are rough of me, probably why I never shared them, lol, but Marks face makes me smile.

1st picture: I came across this one, looking on our wedding day and I started crying. We didn't need to share words. We just knew we made a vow before God to share ourselves with each other and we are now celebrating the joining of us in matrimony. We were each others, forever, in this moment.

2nd picture: My birthday this past year. It was before this all started, like days before it started, but nonetheless, I thought we were happy. He went and got a pedi with me, cause he loved me :)

3rd picture: I see love in Marks eyes....that's what I saw everyday!

4th picture: Us being us in bed as husband and wife :)

5th picture: I know its blurry, but this was my birthday a couple years ago in Dallas.

6th picture: Marks Loving Eyes!!! I see the Love....at the end, the loving eyes got blank. His sinning covered the eyes that I always knew....but let me tell you this....I told him to look at me in my eyes when he was leaving and tell me he didn't love me anymore. He looked me in my eyes and smiled and walked away. I saw it!!! Maybe for a glimpse, but I saw it. No one will ever tell me otherwise.

My husband, the man that I married, is deep down in there somewhere. I hope one day he will come out and help renew our marriage. Until then......I'm praying...............................

Growing

I'm growing.....Spiritually!!!! God has given me this peace that everything is going to be okay, no matter what the outcome is. Because God has this predestined plan for my life. He knew that Mark and I would be here at this moment and at this time in life. Only he knows the choices that we will make, if they are to glorify Him or not.

I read the story on Hosea the other day in my book. It touched me so deeply. I don't know if I have ever heard the story of Hosea, but I cried. Hosea was a God fearing man who married an adulteress and was to never leave her. She had gone out and had sex and even had babies by other men, while he still stood by her side. His wife Gomer actually sold herself to prostitution, and in my book it says this:
From a distance, he longed and awaited her return. He did not go to her and beg her to return, he did not try to change her heart on his own, but he waited patiently for God to perform a miracle in her life, a miracle in their marriage. He stood by while she came to the end of her ways; he had faith that after some time she would long to return to him.

That passage spoke to me....This is what God is telling me to do. I cant and wont go and talk to Mark. He doesn't want to hear it from me. I want to just run to him and show him everything that I have learned and all the changes I have made in my life FOR ME!!! For me to grow with Christ, for me to be a better person, for me to be a better witness. I want to show Mark that I'm here, waiting still.

I believe there is a battle going on with Mark. Mark knows God. I believe he is saved, I really do. Actually God has told me a few times since he left that he was, because I doubted it, when I shouldn't have. But this is something else this book says:
The Bible tells us though, that the battle is not what we see with our eyes. There is a spiritual battle that is waged daily over the lives of each person in existence. It literally is a war of good versus evil, demons versus angels (2 Cor. 10:3-4)

There isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that the prison that he works at is evil. I have heard so many stories since Mark has left, that if I only knew before, I know we would of had a sit down and talked about whether or not that job is really suitable for our marriage. Temptation runs wild out there. The devil is just lurking each and every one out there, even the strong Christians.

I want to post this:
I really miss Mark. I long to just lay down with him, and be by his side. I don't have any desires to be with anyone else. It hurts to think, he would rather lay next to someone else. It hurts to know, that she will never love him as much as I do. I remember before I found out I had cancer, I told Mark, that I would rather me go through an illness than to watch him or my grandpa go through one. I still would!!! I know I may of never of showed Mark, how much I truely love him, but I do!!!

Hes not my life anymore, hes not my everything. You may think....why would you say that? Because hes not!! My life is Christs, Christ is my everything! But Mark is my second. Hes my husband, the better half of me. Just like God gave Eve to Adam, to have companionship, to have a family, to grow old together. It kills me inside to think of them having a family together. I mean, I honestly don't know if shes pregnant or not. It could of been a reason why he left me. I guess time will tell. I also hope that if they did or are pregnant, that God will take the desire away from me to be with him. I wonder and people has told me, it was a blessing in disguise why we wernt getting pregnant. I know that I don't think I would of grown like I have done if I had a baby around and saw Mark on a daily basis. I want to say....or hope....that we had to separate for awhile and maybe if its in Gods plan, we get back together we will have a family, knowing and believing Christ is the center.

I do sit here and wonder. I weigh out the pros and cons, the what ifs, the maybes.....I'm human.

Yesterday was weird

Yesterday, I woke up and got dressed and ready for work like any other day. I thought about calling in, because I was so tired and felt like crap. I had went to bed around 10:30ish and woke up around 2:00am and realized my throat was hurting, like I was getting sick. So I got up and took some cough medicine, answered some texts, and went back to bed. Well when I woke up in the morning and got dressed, I went into the kitchen to see what I was going to eat for lunch. There my grandpa and my cousin were in there. So I started talking to him a little bit on why he was there. My cousin is in his 40's and it feeling led to become a preacher. He had all his bibles out and was asking my grandpa about a few things. I stood there for a few minutes and talk to him and realize that I'm already late. So I text my coworker and tell her, that I had some family in and I was going to be running a little late.

I stand there and Im talking to him and then an hour goes by, then 2, then 3, then 4, then 5......We had our Bibles out, looking through scripture. I have my book out that Im reading, "Single woman, seeks perfect man", and Im showing him things and scriptures in there. We are just going back and forth....some tears flowing. It was awesome, it was amazing. I have this whole new outlook on my life and what I need to do, to win Mark back, and if its not to win Mark back, then my life for someone else. Around 1, I was getting hungry and so I started to make spaghetti, as we all made our way into the living room. We just never stopped talking about God and what hes done in and out of our lives. My cousin ended up leaving around 4, but today went by so fast. I would say, it was one of the fastest days of my life. But it was so good.

I never knew waking up this morning that I would of had a Bible Study day. But my cousin, basically preached to me and I guess I even preached to him. He said that I was an inspiration to him, of how strong my faith and loyalty has been my whole life. That he wasted 25 years of following the world, when I have the chance of making it straight right here, right now and all I need to do is, go to Christ....I need to read the Bible, His word, and God will show me what He wants me to do, and will Bless me.

You know Sunday, how I said, that I put my burden at the foot of the Cross, and I really dont know if I shared this with you or not, but Im not going to go back and read and find out, so I will just say it again, lol. After I had done that and I felt like God wanted me to tell all these guys that Ive been talking too something. I texted them and told them, which I had said at the beginning but some dont get the hint, that I want to be friends and friends only. I told them, if you dont like it, then you can leave and I said I'm trying to find out who I am, and all I want is someone to be able to talk too. I had 2 write back and said Bye....which made me laugh. Others said, being friends is fine and some were like, "that's what Ive been trying to tell you". lol I had been praying to God and asking him to take everyone out of my life that's not supposed to be there. But I then realized, that I need to partake it in that too. I needed to stand up for me and tell people what my intentions are. I really do like some of these guys as friends and actually a couple of them, I feel like I can witness too, because I'm not the average girl who gives in.

I do have one guy friend. I didnt send him the text. I told him I will have to see him in person and tell him. This one is going to be hard. I really need to pray about this and I dont know why it bothers me so much. He is close to my heart, but he was my friend first. Hes not like these other ones who I have been since Mark left. He was there for me before.

Update: God has answered my prayer, early in the morning......I cant sit here and say what and who this person is, but everything is okay and I didnt even have to do anything.

God is good....today was a good day. I started writing this blog yesterday and never finished. I am inspired to do what God wants me to do. I prayed and cried out to God last night and I told him, I want to be happy again. I was smiling alot today. Im still not complete, Im not whole, I still have this part of me missing, but God is filling in the void. WITH HIM!!!!! It feels amazing. God has something planned for me....and its awesome!!!! I can feel it, seeping through my skin. Something is going to happen to me that would of never happened to me, if this wouldnt of happened in my life. God is so much powerful and so awesome that I want to praise him all the time.
Its sad when it takes something bad or tramatic or death defining to run to God. When everything is fine, we just sit back and take it day by day. But its something that knocks us off of our feet we cry out. I always told myself, when I had cancer that I would never do it again, that I would always stay true and stay close to God. That didnt happen....I found myself straying once again.....leading off the path he wants me to go down a little at a time.

I honestly feel like God gives me whippings. He gives me the little things in life, that make me get on my knees and cry out, and he has the big things in my life that make me do the same.

I want to express how I have always felt. Im special!!! I was born to do something BIG. I know when I die, my name will be remembered. Im not trying to sound cocky or anything, Im not...I swear. I just feel like God uses me, maybe more than others?! Im not sure!! Or maybe I listen more or better than most people. I just want my rewards to be in heaven and not of this world!!

I hope everyone had a good hump day!!! God bless!!!!

Mark

I want to write about Mark. I want everyone to know Mark is, was a good man. He was the best husband I could of asked for at the time. Looking back, I needed more, but in a different way that I never knew. I needed a leader in Christ to guide us in life. I'm not saying he couldn't, or wouldn't of been the leader, I really don't think I let him. I always felt like he was a weak Christian and that I had to guide him and tell him what was right and wrong. But then I never taught him or showed him so he could be that man, not even sure if that was my responsibility or not.

I wasn't the submissive wife that I should of been either. I remember Mark would comment to me, about submitting to him and I would turn around in a cocky voice and say, "No, I'm the man, you need to submit to me". Who does that? That's how a total B word I was. I wanted to be in charge and in control at all times. I think its because, my mom was that way. My mom was the single parent, who had to be the mom and dad, and so I just saw this strong willed of a woman, and that's all I knew. But yet Mark, was the laid back, go with the flow, not take charge kind of man, and so our roles in life I think got twisted and turned.

I want to say, that the girl he left me for, let him take that role. Let him be the man, that he wanted or needed to be. I don't blame him. I wasn't backing down....it wasn't until the end, when I realized the thought of losing him, and stepping back and looking at my life, that I realized I was sinning. I was sinning when I thought I was being a good Christian, as crazy as that sounds. I thought I was being a good Christian, as living this certain lifestyle, living right, praying, trying to do right all the time, when in reality, I wasn't.

The good part is....Ive recognized my faults, and even most of them, I have figured out why I have done it. I want to break some of them down.

I hit Mark.....why? I'm not an abusive person. I mean, I don't go around just hitting people, or wanting to hit people,but yet I hit Mark. I didn't punch him in the face or give him black eyes, but I hit him hard, in arm, sometimes the back. I would just get so angry and I would lash out. It wasn't right, he didn't deserve it. But I want to say, deep down, the reason why I hit Mark, was because, I wanted him to stand up and FIGHT, to be a man. Not fight with me, but to just talk and put me in my place. -To say, look woman....shut up!!!! Its not going to be your way all the time, this is how its going to be.- He never did that. I feel like, I hit Mark not realizing that I just wanted him to stand up for himself and I think, maybe me hitting him was me trying to toughen him up so he could stand up to me.

I was controlling....why? I learned that I was so controlling for numerous of reasons. I couldn't control my mom dieing or I couldn't fix her, heal her. I couldn't control me having cancer, or healing me. I couldn't control saving my babies when we miscarried them. I couldn't control not getting pregnant each and every month for 2 years. I couldn't control losing my baby this past summer. I mean, each and every month of not getting pregnant, I really think, I got that much more controlling, because I couldn't make myself pregnant. So I took something I couldn't control, and slowly started to control things that I "thought", I could. But through all this, I cant control anyone but ME. My therapist told me that I went from being super controlling to all way on the other side of not caring at all, and she said I need to get in the middle. But Ive learned about myself that I am an "all or nothing" kind of girl. Its really hard to be in the middle, but another thing I'm working on :)

I hope one day, if Mark and I get back together or not, that I can at least sit down and talk to Mark and show him through all this, that I have changed. That maybe one day I can be the wife that he needs and wants, or if not, I WILL be the wife that someone needs and wants. I don't blame Mark for all this. I had my faults too. I wish he would of went a different way, then just to cheat on me and leave. I begged him back twice and yet, he didn't want to come back. But if I was the person that he always knew, I don't know why he would of wanted to come back anyways.

I want to say that maybe......just maybe.....that Mark and I both needed to go thru this, to find out who we really are. That maybe we can go out and see what its like and see what we really had with each other. Maybe one day, we can meet back and see all the works God has taught us and all the hard times we endured to really see the Love that we used to have.

Maybe....maybe not.....Maybe Mark really doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on. Maybe there is this man.....this special, God fearing, Godly man, that is praying for me, and me praying for him, and that God will cross our paths with each other one day and we will fall in love with Christ as the center and we will get married and have beautiful babies and grow old with each other.

But right now, I'm in no state of being in a relationship. I am still growing and finding out who Joy Rachel is. Its is nice to know that I am still desirable by men though. I haven't had to worry about being cute for anyone but Mark and when he left, it was actually something that I feared. I have had more men tell me, how beautiful I am, than I ever have before. It makes me smile, but then I just want Mark to think I'm beautiful.

I don't feel good enough for Mark. I wasn't good enough, if I was, he wouldn't of gone looking elsewhere.
I remember one day, I went out to dinner with my friend and we went to Target and we both had to pee at the same time, which never happens, lol. We both got done, walked out, and washed our hands. I remember looking in the mirror, not knowing who I was. I felt empty, hollow inside. I felt rejected, neglected, ugly, not good enough, sad, and I remember turning to my friend and asking her, if I was beautiful. She told me I was, but it didn't matter. I then said......"When Mark left, he took my confidence with him." It was true. When he walked away, he took all that inside me with him. Because he was the one that always told me, I was "pretty beautiful". He was the one who looked me in my eyes and told me he loved me, to deep in my soul. He was the one who would walk on the outside, so if a car came by, he would get hit first. He was the one, who opened the door for me everywhere we went. He was the one who would get out and pump my gas. He was the one who would stop doing whatever he was doing to help me or to reach something, because I'm so short. He was the one who just put his hand on me, when we were laying down and rub me softly without me asking. He was the one who would do all the things I didn't want to do. He was the one who told me he would give me a kidney if I ever needed one. He was the one who said I would be the best mother in the world to his babies. Hes the one who sacrificed his friends and family to come be with ME. He was the one who got me what I wanted. Hes the one who said, "I DO" on our wedding day. Hes the one who I never saw check out another girl, in the 10 years we were together. He was the one who could look at me, and see my soul. He was the one who adored me. He was the one who said I'm the only beautiful girl there is. Hes the one that when I hugged him, my head fit perfectly on his heart. Hes the one that I loved hugging and squeezing his butt, even though he hated it. Hes the one that I felt safe around and knew he would protect me no matter what.

Hes the one..........

and until God tells me otherwise or shows me "the one", I'm here......fighting.....praying.....learning.....changing.....for me, for God, for Mark.

I wont regret waiting, hoping and praying for Mark. I'm still going to live my life. I'm still going to smile, laugh and cry. But theres HOPE. And with God.....ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!! :)

I just want to write

I want to write all my thoughts. There is so many, so I don't know where to begin. All I know is I miss him. I just wonder if he will ever snap out of this and try to make things work with me.

I can only speak for myself, but Mark and I have been together since we were 15. We have been together through the most critical growing times in our lives and we did it together, not ever going out and exploring who we are. I don't think I ever needed too, but I really think he did. He had commented on a few times, He didn't know who he was and He wished he could of gone out and tried to make it on his own before we got married. At this point, we were already married, so I didn't know what to tell him.

I, on the other hand, didn't need to find out who I was, I was happy and content, BUT, I'm glad I can sit here and see the changes I have made and how much I have grown as a woman. I know I'm still fresh and I still have a lot to learn and grow. As much as I want my old life back, I'm really thankful that I have gone through this. I look at life and people totally different. I can help and relate to people in a total different view that I never could before.

One big thing I have learned is.....No one can make me happy but myself and until I can make myself happy with just me and God, then no one can make me happy and I cant truly make someone else happy. I think thats why with Mark, I never was satisfied. I was searching and reaching to Mark, when really I should of been reaching to God for my satisfaction.

I giggle, when I sit here and type this and wonder why God has let me go through so much at a young age, but man.....I feel like through each and every obstacle in life, I feel that much stronger. I really think God has put it on my heart the past year, before all this became, that I will write a book one day and will touch many peoples lives. I know that everything that I have gone thru has to be for a reason, a lesson, a testimony. God has this purpose, this grasp on me, I am His tool and I need to learn to use it, to glorify Him.

I have met some amazing people since Mark left. I have been so thankful for these people and I know we will always have this connection of this hard and troubled times in our life. I know God has placed certain people in my life for a reason, and mine in theirs.

One thing, people keep telling me, is how strong I am. Strong? :giggles: :cries: I'm so weak!!!

TODAY, well Sunday......I went to church, my friend Sharla, didn't make it, but as weird as it sounds, I needed to be there by myself. As big as the church that I'm going too.....I felt like, it was just me and God. Ive been praying for him to touch me, to touch my heart, to take these desires of these boys out of my life. I want to seek God and not man. I want His will to be done and I want to go down His path. I have been carrying this burden of what Ive done, and like I said in my other post, I wrote it down....I went to the front of the church, and I laid it at the foot of the cross where Jesus died for my sins.

I learned in my divorce class today that we are not designed to carry these heavy burdens. That God wants us to give them to him. And if it happens to be someone, that is your burden, that you cant get over or truly forgive, if you give them to God, he will deal with it, and it wont be you with this bitterness. God will give you peace and God will deal with the person that you have lifted up to Him.