I just want to write

I want to write all my thoughts. There is so many, so I don't know where to begin. All I know is I miss him. I just wonder if he will ever snap out of this and try to make things work with me.

I can only speak for myself, but Mark and I have been together since we were 15. We have been together through the most critical growing times in our lives and we did it together, not ever going out and exploring who we are. I don't think I ever needed too, but I really think he did. He had commented on a few times, He didn't know who he was and He wished he could of gone out and tried to make it on his own before we got married. At this point, we were already married, so I didn't know what to tell him.

I, on the other hand, didn't need to find out who I was, I was happy and content, BUT, I'm glad I can sit here and see the changes I have made and how much I have grown as a woman. I know I'm still fresh and I still have a lot to learn and grow. As much as I want my old life back, I'm really thankful that I have gone through this. I look at life and people totally different. I can help and relate to people in a total different view that I never could before.

One big thing I have learned is.....No one can make me happy but myself and until I can make myself happy with just me and God, then no one can make me happy and I cant truly make someone else happy. I think thats why with Mark, I never was satisfied. I was searching and reaching to Mark, when really I should of been reaching to God for my satisfaction.

I giggle, when I sit here and type this and wonder why God has let me go through so much at a young age, but man.....I feel like through each and every obstacle in life, I feel that much stronger. I really think God has put it on my heart the past year, before all this became, that I will write a book one day and will touch many peoples lives. I know that everything that I have gone thru has to be for a reason, a lesson, a testimony. God has this purpose, this grasp on me, I am His tool and I need to learn to use it, to glorify Him.

I have met some amazing people since Mark left. I have been so thankful for these people and I know we will always have this connection of this hard and troubled times in our life. I know God has placed certain people in my life for a reason, and mine in theirs.

One thing, people keep telling me, is how strong I am. Strong? :giggles: :cries: I'm so weak!!!

TODAY, well Sunday......I went to church, my friend Sharla, didn't make it, but as weird as it sounds, I needed to be there by myself. As big as the church that I'm going too.....I felt like, it was just me and God. Ive been praying for him to touch me, to touch my heart, to take these desires of these boys out of my life. I want to seek God and not man. I want His will to be done and I want to go down His path. I have been carrying this burden of what Ive done, and like I said in my other post, I wrote it down....I went to the front of the church, and I laid it at the foot of the cross where Jesus died for my sins.

I learned in my divorce class today that we are not designed to carry these heavy burdens. That God wants us to give them to him. And if it happens to be someone, that is your burden, that you cant get over or truly forgive, if you give them to God, he will deal with it, and it wont be you with this bitterness. God will give you peace and God will deal with the person that you have lifted up to Him.