Mark

I want to write about Mark. I want everyone to know Mark is, was a good man. He was the best husband I could of asked for at the time. Looking back, I needed more, but in a different way that I never knew. I needed a leader in Christ to guide us in life. I'm not saying he couldn't, or wouldn't of been the leader, I really don't think I let him. I always felt like he was a weak Christian and that I had to guide him and tell him what was right and wrong. But then I never taught him or showed him so he could be that man, not even sure if that was my responsibility or not.

I wasn't the submissive wife that I should of been either. I remember Mark would comment to me, about submitting to him and I would turn around in a cocky voice and say, "No, I'm the man, you need to submit to me". Who does that? That's how a total B word I was. I wanted to be in charge and in control at all times. I think its because, my mom was that way. My mom was the single parent, who had to be the mom and dad, and so I just saw this strong willed of a woman, and that's all I knew. But yet Mark, was the laid back, go with the flow, not take charge kind of man, and so our roles in life I think got twisted and turned.

I want to say, that the girl he left me for, let him take that role. Let him be the man, that he wanted or needed to be. I don't blame him. I wasn't backing down....it wasn't until the end, when I realized the thought of losing him, and stepping back and looking at my life, that I realized I was sinning. I was sinning when I thought I was being a good Christian, as crazy as that sounds. I thought I was being a good Christian, as living this certain lifestyle, living right, praying, trying to do right all the time, when in reality, I wasn't.

The good part is....Ive recognized my faults, and even most of them, I have figured out why I have done it. I want to break some of them down.

I hit Mark.....why? I'm not an abusive person. I mean, I don't go around just hitting people, or wanting to hit people,but yet I hit Mark. I didn't punch him in the face or give him black eyes, but I hit him hard, in arm, sometimes the back. I would just get so angry and I would lash out. It wasn't right, he didn't deserve it. But I want to say, deep down, the reason why I hit Mark, was because, I wanted him to stand up and FIGHT, to be a man. Not fight with me, but to just talk and put me in my place. -To say, look woman....shut up!!!! Its not going to be your way all the time, this is how its going to be.- He never did that. I feel like, I hit Mark not realizing that I just wanted him to stand up for himself and I think, maybe me hitting him was me trying to toughen him up so he could stand up to me.

I was controlling....why? I learned that I was so controlling for numerous of reasons. I couldn't control my mom dieing or I couldn't fix her, heal her. I couldn't control me having cancer, or healing me. I couldn't control saving my babies when we miscarried them. I couldn't control not getting pregnant each and every month for 2 years. I couldn't control losing my baby this past summer. I mean, each and every month of not getting pregnant, I really think, I got that much more controlling, because I couldn't make myself pregnant. So I took something I couldn't control, and slowly started to control things that I "thought", I could. But through all this, I cant control anyone but ME. My therapist told me that I went from being super controlling to all way on the other side of not caring at all, and she said I need to get in the middle. But Ive learned about myself that I am an "all or nothing" kind of girl. Its really hard to be in the middle, but another thing I'm working on :)

I hope one day, if Mark and I get back together or not, that I can at least sit down and talk to Mark and show him through all this, that I have changed. That maybe one day I can be the wife that he needs and wants, or if not, I WILL be the wife that someone needs and wants. I don't blame Mark for all this. I had my faults too. I wish he would of went a different way, then just to cheat on me and leave. I begged him back twice and yet, he didn't want to come back. But if I was the person that he always knew, I don't know why he would of wanted to come back anyways.

I want to say that maybe......just maybe.....that Mark and I both needed to go thru this, to find out who we really are. That maybe we can go out and see what its like and see what we really had with each other. Maybe one day, we can meet back and see all the works God has taught us and all the hard times we endured to really see the Love that we used to have.

Maybe....maybe not.....Maybe Mark really doesn't love me anymore and wants to move on. Maybe there is this man.....this special, God fearing, Godly man, that is praying for me, and me praying for him, and that God will cross our paths with each other one day and we will fall in love with Christ as the center and we will get married and have beautiful babies and grow old with each other.

But right now, I'm in no state of being in a relationship. I am still growing and finding out who Joy Rachel is. Its is nice to know that I am still desirable by men though. I haven't had to worry about being cute for anyone but Mark and when he left, it was actually something that I feared. I have had more men tell me, how beautiful I am, than I ever have before. It makes me smile, but then I just want Mark to think I'm beautiful.

I don't feel good enough for Mark. I wasn't good enough, if I was, he wouldn't of gone looking elsewhere.
I remember one day, I went out to dinner with my friend and we went to Target and we both had to pee at the same time, which never happens, lol. We both got done, walked out, and washed our hands. I remember looking in the mirror, not knowing who I was. I felt empty, hollow inside. I felt rejected, neglected, ugly, not good enough, sad, and I remember turning to my friend and asking her, if I was beautiful. She told me I was, but it didn't matter. I then said......"When Mark left, he took my confidence with him." It was true. When he walked away, he took all that inside me with him. Because he was the one that always told me, I was "pretty beautiful". He was the one who looked me in my eyes and told me he loved me, to deep in my soul. He was the one who would walk on the outside, so if a car came by, he would get hit first. He was the one, who opened the door for me everywhere we went. He was the one who would get out and pump my gas. He was the one who would stop doing whatever he was doing to help me or to reach something, because I'm so short. He was the one who just put his hand on me, when we were laying down and rub me softly without me asking. He was the one who would do all the things I didn't want to do. He was the one who told me he would give me a kidney if I ever needed one. He was the one who said I would be the best mother in the world to his babies. Hes the one who sacrificed his friends and family to come be with ME. He was the one who got me what I wanted. Hes the one who said, "I DO" on our wedding day. Hes the one who I never saw check out another girl, in the 10 years we were together. He was the one who could look at me, and see my soul. He was the one who adored me. He was the one who said I'm the only beautiful girl there is. Hes the one that when I hugged him, my head fit perfectly on his heart. Hes the one that I loved hugging and squeezing his butt, even though he hated it. Hes the one that I felt safe around and knew he would protect me no matter what.

Hes the one..........

and until God tells me otherwise or shows me "the one", I'm here......fighting.....praying.....learning.....changing.....for me, for God, for Mark.

I wont regret waiting, hoping and praying for Mark. I'm still going to live my life. I'm still going to smile, laugh and cry. But theres HOPE. And with God.....ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!! :)