Bills Bills Bills & GOD!!!

I have to admit. I don't make much money where I work. I work at a small Christian school here my town and its not very big and pouring out with money. I work as an Administrative Assistant and so I know everything that comes and goes with the money. I take care of our schools funding and I pay the bills and present it to the School Board. I know we cant afford for our staff to make $10.00 an hour. So we all know the sacrifices and blessings God pours on us, since we all feel in our hearts the desire to work there. I am going on my 7th year working there and its about to start here in a week or so. I know God has blessed me beyond measure with what I have and my Dr's and Dr bills.

Short story: I worked at the school my first year after getting out of college. It was supposed to be something short termed but a little money to help me with. I finally got the job, I always wanted...working for Blue Cross Blue Shield. Its the job my mom worked at before she died, and it paid well and my mom had good insurance. I got on!!! I worked there for a month, when I found out I had cancer. I was still in training so we didn't have insurance at the time. I was so shocked and was wondering how I'm going to pay for all of this. God led me to the best Dr. Not only, because I didn't work anymore (they fired me, for missing a day) I was eligible for indigent health care. The hospital paid for everything....I think it was around $40,000 and then not only that....My Dr. did it all for free too. He let me go see him free and he did the surgery for free. I believe his bill was $3,000. I was 19 and these were big...huge...numbers to be and I didn't have a clue how I was going to pay these off. But God came and blessed me with 40 something thousand dollars of a gift. He took that burden away. I believe he did that AND my cancer was gone, for numerous of reasons. Not only did it change me for ever!! I now experience life as a gift and don't take it for granted. I know that with God all things are truly possible, even when you don't see the end of the road, God is there and with you through your journey. But he took that burden of debt away. Just like when he died on the cross. He paid for our sins, so we can live with Him for eternity if we just believe in Him and accept him in our hearts.

Things like this I know God is there and he cares. I know it stinks to make the amount we do make, and sometimes I get mad with everything that I have to put up with for that little of money, but God shocks me sometimes.

Another short story: It was early in the year a few years back. I got a bill from our mortgage company, telling me I need to pay $194.00 to make our house payment stay the same. ( I guess something went up, like usual) I really didn't think about it....I was thinking, well I guess I can try and come up with the money or let our house payment go up. I was sitting at work, when my boss comes in and gives me money. She always gives me money, since I handle the billing and I asked her what this is for, so I could write it on the receipt. She told me...God told me to give this to you. He told me, you needed it. I told her...I don't need it. I looked to see how much it was...it was $200.00. It took me literally like 5 minutes before it dawned on me, the money I needed for my house. I went and hugged her and then explained to her what it was for. I had tears coming out of my eyes. These are things I would of never of thought would of happened to me, but when you trust in God and do HIS will, he will amaze you.

Because I work at this school, God blesses me and he has always taken care of my needs and more. I have more stuff than I deserve or need, and I thank God for that everyday. I know he can take it away in a second, but I just want him to know how thankful we really are!!!

Honestly, I wasn't going on this route...I was going to talk about my credit card bills, but I guess God had other plans for me to write about!!

School and newer vehicle

School starts in 2 weeks, then my schedule of sleeping will defintly need to change. Its going to be hard, but Im looking forward to a pay check. We have been thinking of ways to save for a down payment on a car. We really need another car. Yes, we have 2 running vehicles, and we are so blessed for that, but we need a good newer car that we can all fit in and have room for a growing family. A truck and a mustang, can only go so far. Its hard for my grandpa to get in and out of my car, but the truck has no air condition. My husband is to tall and big for my car and it hurts his back. Our car is a 2000 and the truck is 1997. I want at least to get a vehicle that is 2008 and up. Mark thinks we should get older so we can afford it, but I know God is going to ive us the vehicle he wants us to have. Im not going to get something that puts us in a bind. I also want a vehicle, with decent gas mileage. Mark works in another town and if he drives it, I dont want it to eat up the gas.

This is my dream vehicle....I always call any vehicle car, lol. But we rented one when we went to Dallas and I fell in love with it.

2010 Ford Edge

Good Dr appointment

I went today....it was wonderful. Basically everything that I wanted to hear. He said we can start trying in 4-6 weeks. That my numbers looks awesome. He said they should be down at the end of next week and he wants me to get one more blood test done late in the week. He wants me to be at least 10-0 and then I can start taking folic acid and prenatals and start building up in that. He still dosent think I had an ectopic and that it was in my uterus, but I dont think it was. The pain that I had was the same kind of pain as an ectopic. Im so glad we dont have to wait months and months. I know Gods timing will be perfect, but I really dont think its going to take as long as last time. Im hoping and wishing my Christmas time, we will be pregnant, if not before then. I guess this next month we are going to take it easy and use some kind of protection. lol I mean, we havent used protection, basically ever, so this should be interesting.

I feel so much better and my husband told me I have a glow back in my face. I was just so sick and ill and depressed before that I know I looked rough. But Im feeling so much better and looking forward to the future. Also, me having something to do, like VBS is good for me. It gets my mind off of things.

My hcg levels

I went and got more blood work done today. It went from 195-43. Praise the Lord. Their dropping at a good rate, and my bleeding is minimal. Its still there, but not like it was. I stopped releasing clots or tissue and its just like a light period now. Bleeding this long stinks. I have my Dr's appointment tomorrow, so we shall see what he says about TTC again. Im kinda scared hes going to say wait 3-6 months, and I will for the sake of the health of my baby, but it will stink. I just want to be pregnant with a healthy pregnancy so bad. We are beyond ready for a family. Our birthdays are coming up....me going on 25 and Mark going on 26. I hate that we are this age and not even have a baby here on earth. I know its all happening for a reason. When we finally do have our bundle of joy, we are going to love them sooo much!!! :)

VBS

It starts tonight. I am teaching the Pre-school and Kindergarten class. Please Lord be with me. lol I know kids at that age arnt use to just sitting and trying to pay attention. I need to read them a story and then we can play!!! I went last night and decorated my room. It was a room that wasn't used so much, so there was some things in there that I had to hang up a cover and cover it up. I always say....if I won the big Lotto....I would update our church. It has the old brown deco, and It just needs to be updated with new floors and wall color and maybe even the pues. The classrooms need to be updated, and I would love to add on to the kitchen area and the fellowship hall. I was looking yesterday in church and we don't have any windows in there. I asked someone awhile back why they didn't put any in when they built it. They told me, because it was in a neighborhood and they were worried about kids or people breaking the windows. So yesterday, it dawned on me......SKYLIGHTS!!!! lol. I love natural lighting and I know it would look awesome. Maybe one day, if God wants us to come into alot of money, I know I would love to redo and upgrade the church and I would like to help out the school that I work at. We need alot of sports equipment and some new art supplies and it wouldn't hurt to just upgrade on computers and maybe get some land to build a tennis court or something. I have thought about it and all this money would be going to the Lord and doing his will. I would love to help build his kingdom, that more people can grow and to know Christ. I know I can do it now without the money, but its just a thought :)

So tonight is the first big night of teaching these kiddos. I did VBS a couple of years ago, but helped last year. They are expecting alot of kids, and that's why I was put in a different room. The other room wasn't big enough. But its okay....I got more decorations to fulfill it. I'm going to take some pics today and will post soon!!

Next pregnancy

Ive been thinking alot about my next pregnancy. Even this past pregnancy, everytime I went to the bathroom, I said a quick prayer before I wipped that I wouldnt see any blood. I hope I dont have to worry about that the whole entire pregnancy. I know just the week, when I thought everything was fine, I was a nervous wreck. Maybe it was just my gut feeling, or maybe it was what I expereinced in the past, or could be both of them. I know after you lose a baby, you always have your concerns and being scared that something bad will happen. My dream is to go on to having a healthy and happy pregnancy, with a healthy baby and a healthy delivery. I dont want to have to worry about when the baby stops moving, that something is wrong.

Times like this are when we need to put our trust and faith in God. When we have no control over it and cant do anything about it. I now know when its my time to go home, right now I will have 3 precious babies, that I didnt get to hold. I know there must be so many baby angels in heaven, and I know when I get there, I will have my special babies waiting to run and meet their mommy. I can see my mom with them, waiting on me, when I reach the pearly gates. Oh what a wonderful day that will be.

I also see my friends babies playing with my babies. I know they know that their mommies are friends and know each other. I know God has brought me so many women in my life after losing our babies, and I know there is a reason. My friend Tina, has been there through it all, and I dont know what I would of done without her. She knows exactly how I feel, and although she went on and had a wonderful baby, she has been there and understood what Im going through. I know if we lived closer we would be really great friends and really close. Sometimes, I feel like just going to her house, just to talk to her, but then I think, she lives by the Canada border, and I live close to the Mexico border, lol. I know one day, we will meet and bond with our babies. :) Thanks Tina, I love you girl!!

Baby tickers

I know some of you probably are wondering why I still have my countdown to a baby is still up. I knew when I put them up there, that I could have the chance of taking them down. But first...I am still pregnant. When I go to a Dr, I still have to tell him how far along I am and all that fun stuff. Second...I know its going to be hard. I remember when we miscarried the first time, I counted down all the way to the due date. I dont know if Im going to feel that much and keep so close of it this time, but I think I might add a little one at the bottom, just to remind me of what could of been.

When I get done bleeding, Im going to officially take them down. Except the one of course. Hopefully soon after, I can put up another one and not have to worry about taking it down. Until it says.....Baby should be here by now!! :D

Got this from another blog

"Basically it's a list of 99 memorable experiences and you highlight the ones that you've accomplished in your life..." The things I have done are italic.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to disney
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo’s david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theater
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in london
77. broken a bone
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

I got 36 out of 99!!

How many have you experienced???

Is it this hard?

I have been trying to have a link to my photography website there on the right. I made that little button and I cant figure out how to get the link under it, lol.....I have been reading all night and finally just had to stop. So thats why itll look funny, until someone tells me how, or I read how to do it.

19 months old

I was on my cafemom and realized that my baby would be 19 months old right now. I think its crazy, that just in a few months, I would of had a 2 year old. I know in those 2 years, it would of been totally different and amazing. I don't know why we didn't get to experience it, and why right now I'm going through this, but I hope soon after this ends, we can get pregnant with a healthy baby. I know in the first year so much happens. They go from this little infant that cant keep their head up by themselves, to having tummy time, to smiling, then to sitting up, then to standing, and then walking, all in the first year. I know when we finally get to have our little one, I'm going to just sink in all the precious times and moments. I will always have a camera in my hand. I get so confused sometimes why these things happen to women. Not just me, but alot of women. There is alot of women out there who are going through the exact same thing as me, and even more than I am. I feel blessed just the thought that I ovulate on my own. There are so many women who don't even do that on their own.

I'm starting to believe that the clomid is what made me have an ectopic. It said that taking clomid can cause that to happen, because it slows down a process with all the fertility pills. It makes it harder for the egg to travel. I'm not sure, but when we go back to the Dr's, I'm going to bring it up. There is alot I want to talk to him about. We know I can get pregnant. He wanted to do test done on me and hubby, but if I really did have an ectopic, those tests wouldn't really mean anything because it was just a process that didn't go like it should, not a deformity. Also when we had Mark Jr., he wasn't deformed.

God is in control. We pray to Him everyday and we want his Will to be done and we put this all in his hands. Until the day I get to see my babies in Heaven......Mommy will always love you and wonder what you would of been like!!! *muah*

:)

On this day of your life, Rachel, we believe God wants you to know ... that every day you are choosing either to be grateful or to be disappointed.
You can worry to no end about what you don't have. Or you can marvel at God's breathtaking gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Could you create any of these? These miracles of life are always around you, ready to be celebrated, ready to be welcomed into your life.

More lab work

I went and got more lab work done today. My levels went from 345 to 195. So in a week they almost went down half way, so thats good, I guess. The nurse told me that it could take awhile. Im already ready for this to be over with. To bleed so long sucks. But Im taking what the Lord is giving me and trying to focus on the future. I know I will have a baby one day!! It will be in Gods time!! :)

my dad

My dad was never in my life. I was okay with it, I was never one of those kids who blamed themselves or wondered why he never wanted me. My mom was such a good mom and dad in my life and plus I had my grandpa, which was the best of both worlds. The only time I remember being really mad at him was when my mom died, and I never really understood. I guess he was the only other "parent", so he should of been there.

Anyways, since Mark and I had Mark Jr. and I got to see who he looked like the most, it made me think who did I look like the most. I had people tell me, I look just like my mom and grandma, and then I had people tell me, I look nothing like my mom, so I must look like my dad. I always knew my nose was bigger than my cousins and moms, so I must of had my dads....but I don't have that either, so I guess its just my nose. :)

I will admit and say that I have looked him up on the Internet, with no desire in meeting him. I really just wanted a picture, a glimpse of the other part of me. So I did find my cousin, on my dads side on facebook. I asked some questions, but not enough to tell him who I was. Later I found out he knew who I was, lol. But then gradually, some other women requested to be my friends. I was thinking also, that they didn't know who I was. I was never really in my dads life. There were times I did see him, but he didn't want me. We moved away and I never spoke to him. My mom never stopped me from seeing him or having communication with him, but I just never had a desire too. I was happy in my life and my mom did everything for me to make me happy.

But I got off track....I had accepted this lady on facebook that I realized was friends with "my other family" and she posted some pics up of a baby. I love babies, so I commented...how adorable. She then goes on and says.....you know that's your second cousin.....what????!!! I didn't know she knew who I was. I said who, me? lol She said yes. I got on later that night and she popped up at the bottom and I talked to her for hours. I feel like she wanted me to push myself and talk to my dad, but I honestly don't think I should make the first move. She was saying, he was young and was trying to find himself....okay...that could of been it...(mind you, hes the same age as I am now) but he had so many years to try and be in my life. That's not even an excuse. I know she wasn't meaning any harm and wasn't trying to blame my mom or me, but she just kept saying, the questions I had, I needed to ask him. I really didn't have any, about why he was never in my life, or things like that. I don't care, lol. The good news is, I have no half brothers or sisters....lol....I was so happy to hear that. I just always thought it would be crazy to have someone half of you out there. You cant blame them, cause they are as innocent as me. But I don't have to worry about that, lol.

I didn't tell you....my dad is the 10th kid of 11 children. The lady I was talking too, is his baby sister, so the 11th kid. I asked her the ages, and they range from 48-68. Yep....those are my aunts and uncles, and then I know I have tons of cousins and such. She did tell me about their health history, cause that was very important for me. She was saying they have everything!!! Cancer, high blood pressure, heart problems, brain tumors......brain tumors....are my biggest fear....its like the only place I haven't had checked. lol.....that's my hyprocondriac coming out.

She did let me see 2 pictures of him. I don't think I look ANYTHING like him. I got my web cam of a picture of me and my mom when I was 15. This is probably the last picture of me and her. She died a few months later. I look at all the pics of my mom in my grandpas room of when she was a kid and I look so much like her to me. I cant see anything in me in my dad. My mom always told me he had perfect teeth and beautiful blue eyes. I think I have my dads teeth, as in the strength. My teeth never want to come out, and all my other family have weak teeth. So that's a plus I guess, lol. Tell me what you think!!!

July 19

...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. -I Thessalonians 5:18

July 17/18

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. -Job 19:25

July 16

But if anyone obeys his word, Gods love is truly made complete in him... -1 John 2:5

July 15

I will sprinkle clean water on your, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities... -Ezekiel 36:25

July 14

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... -Colossians 3:15

July 13

...The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same. -Luke 3:11

July 12

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. -Ephesians 4:7

July 10/11

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God... -1 John 3:1

July 9

I will sing of your love and justice; to you, O Lord, I will sing praise. -Psalm 101:1

July 8

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

July 7

He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness and light dwells with him. -Daniel 2:22

July 6

...each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor... -Ephesians 4:25

July 5

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7

July 3/4

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. -2 Corinthians 3:17


4- Independance Day

July 2

...if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face...then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. -2 Chronicles 7:14

July 1

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. -Job 5:9

June 30

"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." -Matthew 5:44

June 29

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32

June 28

For in him we live and move and have our being... -Acts 17:28

June 26/27

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. -Exodus 20:8

Full Moon

June 25

Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. -Psalm 85:10

June 24

John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet. "I am the voice of one calling the desert, 'Make straight the way for the Lord.'" -John 1:23

June 23

For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. -Proverbs 2:10

June 22

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth... -Ecclesiastes 12:1

June 21

The day is yours, and your also the night; you established the sun and moon. It was you who set all the boundries of the earth; you made both summer and winter. -Psalm 74:16,17

First Day of Summer

June 18

The man of intergrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out. -Proverbs 10:9

June 17

Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgements he pronounced... -I Chronicles 16:12

June 16

...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and now grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31

June 15

...Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life. -Revelation 22:17

June 14

The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory... -Isaiah 62:2

Flag Day

June 12/13

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:12

12-New Moon

June 11

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.... -Hebrews 12:28

Another ER visit

So after the shot and feeling really sick, I went home and laid down and that night was fine. Mark took the next night off and stayed with me. He ended up going to his friends house for some football thing and he told me he was only going to be gone for about an hour. I didn't mind at all, because I was trying to be still and fine on the couch watching my shows. Then all of a sudden, I had this pain hit me. It slowly started, but it never went away. I was trying my hardest not to call Mark, thinking he was going to be almost done, and then he texts me and tells me hes half way done. I'm like, well you need to hurry cause I'm starting to hurt. I try and go to the bathroom and move around, but whatever I do, its painful. I tell my grandpa my situation, because he was in bed at this time, that I might pass out, and Marks not here, so if I do, then call 911. That's how bad it was. I called Mark and told him to hurry up. Mind you, he was by our air force base, which isn't close to my house. My grandpa got up and dressed just in case something was to happen. He was so worried about me, I knew he was going to cry, which he doesn't really, he just prays alot.

Finally Mark got here and took me up there. He seemed kinda upset, because we had gone to the ER the past few times in a week or so, and they didn't do anything, and he told me I should of took some of my grandpa pain pills. I had taken some Tylenol, but that did not do a darn thing. He ends up dropping me and then parking, because I can barely walk. They of course ask their million questions, and they asked what my pain levels was between 1 and 10, and I said 50. Mark finally came, they told me to sit down and I started crying. I was hurting so bad. I honestly thought I was going to die. I scared Mark more at that moment because he knew I had to be hurting if I was crying in front of everyone.

They finally called my name, it was only like maybe 5 minutes and sent me straight to a room. They came in faster at this point and was starting to hook me up and do all these things. I saw the Dr within 5 minutes. I told him what was going on and he told me he was going to call my Dr. So the lady starts putting an IV in my hand. She stopped, switched and said, " I'm going to put a bigger needle in, just in case you have to go to surgery". Honestly, I thought I was going to have too. I thought my tube was rupturing. During this time, I am about to pass out. I was sweating profusely. I'm talking about dripping. Poor Mark was trying to fan me for so long, and I know his hands was hurting. I know if he wouldn't of been fanning me, I would of passed out. I had asked for a fan, but they went looking for one and I needed one right then and there. I ended up throwing up, and they gave me some pain meds and nauseous medicine, oh and a fan!!! Then I got cold. But I was feeling alot better. I was trying to stay still and not move and the Dr came back and said,...." I talked to your Dr, and he said to let you go home, that everything you experiencing is normal". I'm like great!!! My Dr doesn't love me, lol. Normal??? Almost feeling like your going to die is normal? Don't get me wrong....they told me, its going to get bad. But after the pain meds, I did feel better. He also prescribed me some pain pills which has worked wonders.

On the other hand, after they....oh wait.....Also, another pain, was just urinating. It hurt sooo bad. That's why before I had went to the ER for a kidney infection. They told me, that I was probably dehydrated and that's why its like that. Sure enough, after they finished all the fluids they were giving me, I went to the bathroom and it didn't hurt as bad. But on the other hand, I started to bleed, which I had stopped after the shots.

Last night, I went out and ate with my husband, because I'm telling you, I have been feeling alot better, and I started to cramp. Cramping like, period pains. I was kinda confused, but I told Mark, I needed to go home to make sure and check on everything, before we went to the grocery store. I went home and went to the bathroom and I saw some small clots. Very small, not even a penny size, but I felt relieved. I started to think, these shots are working. I had read, where these shots didn't even work on women and they still needed to have surgery.

All last night I had strong period like cramps that came and went, about every 15 minutes or so. It wasn't a pleasant night to sleep, but I was still thankful it wasn't like the night before. Some clots have gotten bigger and I'm just thankful and hopeful this will work. I have read on the internet that some Dr's don't like you ttc again till about 3 months after each shot. Well I had 2 shots, so that would be 6 months. I'm not sure what my Dr will tell me or what he thinks. I did ask him how long this chemo is in my body and he said 2 weeks.

I still hope and pray that I wont need surgery. I really want a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby. I don't know the reason why I'm going through this, but I will not blame or be mad at God. Its so easy for us to question him and wonder why we go through things. I know its normal. But he has his reasons and I want his will to be done. I know my heart wants a baby, and I know that he wouldn't put it there if I wasn't supposed to have one. I have learned this summer, that I can still get pregnant, I can still be scared with a pregnancy, and I can still have faith in Him during the hard times. Life isn't easy and its not fair. I know we look at other people and wonder why we cant have what they have or why it cant be as easy, but we all know we have our own problems and issues and demons that we face that makes our life that hard. But there is only one person that can hold your hand through the bad and that is Jesus Christ. He has died for us and he is always there for us. He will never give us something that we cant handle. I know there are people out there that have it harder than me. Women who cant bare any children at all. I still have hope...I still have God on my side to feel my desire in my heart!!!

I needed this

On this day of your life, Rachel, we believe God wants you to know ... that silence is golden.
When we are quiet, we can hear God's messages to us. Sometimes these messages may be in the form of subtle intuition. Sometimes it may feel like an inner knowing. Sometimes we may hear a 'still, small voice.' If it feels right in your heart, trust that it is God speaking to you.

Ectopic??

Last night, I was having pains. Thought they were gas pains, but it never went away. It was bad, and I was crying. I hurt so bad, I called Mark and told him he needed to come home. It takes alot for Mark to leave his job and he has to go through so many people. Luckily, he got to leave, and I was trying to wait till this morning to see my dr. 2 Hours after Mark got home, I told him, I have to go.

So we went, and I was thinking at this point, I probably have a kidney infection, and the Dr thought the same thing too. So they did a urine analysis and drew more blood. She came back and told me, my white cells are normal, so no infection, and my hcg levels were pretty much the same. I knew that couldnt be good, cause by a week later, they should of dropped. So they gave me a pain pill and I went home.

I got a couple of hours of sleep before my drs appointment. I just dressed in my pjs, with no makeup and headed up there. My pain was tolerable. It still hurt, but I didnt think I was dieing. So we go in and I tell him, that I went to the ER and they ruled out kidney infection. He then jumped in and told me... "Well, we have to do something today. You have two options...Get a D&C (which I said NO) or I get the Methotrexate Shot". I was so upset. Those were the last two things that I wanted to do. I cried...I didnt know what to do. He told me that I need to pick one before I leave, because either way, Im having surgery today, or I get the shot before I go home. He left us alone for awhile, so they could get the room prepped for me to do another ultrasound. I wanted to make sure, if I was going to get that shot, then there was def no baby anywhere.

We went and got the ultrasound done, and there was some blood in my uterus, which is a little alarming. I knew that was something that I didnt want to see. But there was no baby. I then asked him, what he would recommend and he said the shot. So we agreed. We didnt really have time to pray about it, but we both believe it was the right thing to do.

Then we left to go to a different room, and here the wonderful nurse, had TWO needles. She was like, Im going to have to poke you on either side. WHAT!!??? I thought one shot to the butt was bad enough, but now she tells me shes going to have to poke each of my hips. I was so scared and started to cry. Here I was about to get induced about this shot, that was going to "dissolve" my baby and have chemo shot throughout my body. She ended up poking me on the lower back, on both sides. Wasnt as bad as I thought. She left....then I started feeling sick. Like sick, when I went to the ER sick. I couldnt sit, couldnt stand, starting sweating, getting nauseaus, felt like there was needles stabbing me everywhere in my lower abdomen.

She came back in and checked on me, and I didnt look good. I told her, I feel horrible, but at this time, my Dr was in a conference. I was thinking with the intra-vaginal ultrasound, maybe thats why I was feeling crampy. She said it could be. So...I waited it out for about 20-30 minutes. I finally thought I felt good enough, I had talked to the Dr and I started to leave. I was at the desk going to get my Appointment card, and i had to rush back into the room, and I threw up several times. So we sat there and waited again. Poor Mark was so tired and so was I from just the morning events and not sleeping.

I finally felt alot better, the Dr joked, that I looked pale, but I always look pale, LOL....i laughed...cause i dont tan, LOL and of course with him seeing me with no makeup, I always look like im sick or dieing, lol. But anyways, we made it to the car, and we got something to eat, and then that tore me up, but I got to lay down and sleep. Im a little better now. Well....alot better at the moment. I mean, before, i thought i was going to pass out or stop breathing, my pain was so bad. My blood pressure was also low for me too.

So the Dr said this will probably hit me in about 24-48 hours. Im not looking forward to the hours to come, but I just hope this works, and I wont need any surgery. I dont want my tubes to rupture either. I never in my wildest dreams would of thought of me going through this, but I know alot of women do. I may never know the reason why God wanted Mark and I, to expereince this in life, but I know I have God on my side. This medicine will stay in my system for 2 weeks and I hope then we can try for another baby. It took us 2 years to conceive again and now its ending. I have hope, faith and trust in God that one day we will get to hold a bundle of joy that he has blessed us with.

Please keep us in your prayers during this time. Im sorry I didnt post all this while it was happening, i just didnt want people to think one thing, and then the dr tell me another and people worry for no reason. But I know alot of my friends are worried and curious, and I just want yall to know whats been going on. Technically as of yesterday, I was 7 weeks, and my due date was March 1st. Maybe we will have another due date soon!!!! God bless my friends and everyone reading this. Please keep us in your prayers!!!

God wants me to know

On this day of your life, Rachel, we believe God wants you to know ... that the voice of God is best heard in silence.
All too often loud events and daily busyness cloud your vision of God. Take some time to slow down; let there be silence, let there be peace. Calm your mind and let your inner voice re-emerge from the silence. Allow yourself to see visions, allow yourself to dream dreams; and you may hear the voice of God reaching out to you.

After posting my last post, I did this....it couldnt of been anymore perfect!!

I feel a little nervous

I feel a little nervous trying again. I know there are so many "what ifs", but it took 2 years just to get pregnant again and its kinda scary to think of it happening again and taking that long. All of a sudden this came on me, so I know it could be the devil just making me doubt. I wonder though what I should do. I got pregnant doing 3 things that I hadn't done the months before.

1. Exercising, even though it was for about 2 weeks.

2.Was taking 50mg of clomid, but they upped it to 100mg, so it was our first month with 100mg.

3. We did the Sperm meets the egg plan, which we hadn't got to do, since our work schedule didn't let us.

I'm going to ask the Dr on Wednesday what he would recommend and we are going to pray about it. Like I said before, we were going to take a month off of clomid, but I know now that my body and my uterus lining was strong for a baby. I just know, that I basically have one more try before school starts if I'm going to try and do it the same all over again.

Ive been bleeding still and it comes and goes with heaviness. Still haven't released anything, not even a speck...its just blood. I don't even know if I'm going to release anything or not, since they didn't see a sac or baby. I'm going to get my levels done, most likely Wednesday, so I know that will show us how far of me finishing this.

I just hope and pray that we will conceive a precious little healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy soon. We are so ready for a baby!!!!

On the other hand, I was talking to one of my besties about peace from all of this and its true. I do have this amazing presence of peace and hope, that one day we will get that healthy pregnancy and baby. I would of never of thought how calm, and peaceful I feel after trying for so long and then it all ended like this. I said this before, but I really feel like I needed to go through this to go on and have a healthy pregnancy. Ive been wrong before, so we shall see.

Ultimately, at the end of the day. I honestly want Gods will to be done. I want his timing and I trust in him, that this desire is from Him and he will give us our hearts desire!!

Blood test

I went and got my blood test done...Mark was hoping it would sky rocket, I on the other hand, wanted that, or it to go way down. Well...it went way down. It went from 791-346. Is it bad, that I was excited that it did? I mean, its hard to feel connected to a baby, you never got to see. Nothing was there. I don't even know if I had a baby. Mark said we did. So I named our baby....BABY LOVE!!! :) I had dreams and visions of a girl all when I was pregnant. We will never truly know, but I like this name. Its not a "real" name, but she was my baby love.

So the nurse told me that I'm going to need to get more blood test done in a week, most likely Wednesday since I have a Dr's appointment. I feel so blessed that I didn't have an ectopic. That was so scary. Praise the Lord.

I cant explain it....I know everyone might be confused on why I'm glad this will soon be over since I wanted a baby soooo bad. I have prayed for tons of peace and I feel God giving me peace and hope that we will soon go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I really feel like I needed to go through this, to go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I prayed for the Lords WILL to be done, and I know this is it. I know I can still get pregnant, but now the question is....when will I go on to have a healthy pregnancy??? NEXT!!!! THE NEXT ONE WILL BE!!!! :)

Please pray for this to be over soon, cause it is painful, and please pray for this next cycle, WE GET PREGNANT WITH A HEALTHY BABY!!!! :)

Blighted Ovum info

You Thought You Were Pregnant
Most women who have a blighted ovum will feel as though they are pregnant. This is because normal fertilization and implantation occur causing a placenta to develop which leads to the production of hCG, the "pregnancy hormone." It is this hormone that is responsible for the common symptoms of pregnancy, such as nausea, causing women to naturally assume that they are pregnant and everything is just as it should be.

However, while hCG levels do rise in blighted ovum pregnancies, they increase very slowly and will actually begin to taper off eventually. Falling hCG levels is often the first sign that something may be wrong with your pregnancy.

Why Does It Happen?
Unforutnately, the exact cause of a blighted ovum is unknown. However, most experts reason that some sort of chromosomal abnormality with either the egg or sperm prevents normal development from occurring. As a result, your body senses that something is not quite right with the fertilized egg and stops developing it. Many consider this to be your body’s natural way of ensuring a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Although chromosomal abnormalities are suspected, they are not thought to indicative of future problems. Additionally, a blighted ovum usually happens no more than once. Therefore, you will not be referred for genetic testing unless you experience two or more consecutive miscarriages.

In some cases, a blighted ovum may occur in a twin pregnancy. In this instance, one of the fertilized eggs fails to develop properly while the second does. However, the blighted ovum does not interfere with development of the second fertilized egg. In a twin pregnancy, a blighted ovum may also be referred to as a blighted twin.

Signs of a Blighted Ovum
Symptoms of a blighted ovum pregnancy include spotting, cramps, vaginal bleeding as your hCG levels begin to fall, and/or failure to detect a fetal heartbeat by the 12th week of pregnancy. Additionally, an ultrasound showing an empty gestational sac can confirm that you have a blighted ovum.

Treating a Blighted Ovum
Most health care providers agree that it is best to let your body deal with the blighted ovum naturally, which it does most of the time. In some instances, the body may miscarry the pregnancy while in others the body will simply reabsorb the fertilized egg. A reabsorbed egg will likely cause you to experience a heavier than usual period or notice clots in your period. By allowing your body to handle the blighted ovum itself, you can avoid potential scarring thereby ensuring your fertility health.

However, once a blighted ovum has been discovered, many women find it far too upsetting to just wait for a miscarriage to occur. In these instances, as well as for women who may have an infection or are experiencing heavy bleeding, it is possible to have either a suction curettage or dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure done.

In suction curettage, your doctor will gently vacuum out the products of conception. This may be done under general or local anesthetic. For a D&C, you’re cervix is dilated and the sides of your uterus are scraped down to ensure that all tissue has been removed. Again, anesthetic is usually used. These procedures are done to ensure that you do not suffer from an infection later on. Although both procedures are safe, there is a risk of scarring, which may affect your fertility.

Getting Pregnant Again
Pregnancy after a blighted ovum is usually no problem as a blighted ovum does not affect your fertility. However, most doctors will recommend that you wait anywhere from one to three months before trying to conceive again. You may choose to wait even longer than that, though, as experiencing a miscarriage can be emotionally upsetting. Even if you are physically ready to conceive, you may not be emotionally ready. Take your time to grieve if that is what feels right for you.

Dr apt

I went to my Dr appointment on Tuesday and I was so nervous. I didn't know what to expect, but the good Lord had me at peace and still a positive attitude. The Dr came in and had this look on his face, that he was sorry. I said,"why you looking like that?" lol. He said, "because its a sad thing your going through". I didn't say anything. He was going off of my levels and explained to me what I could be going through. He didn't think I was having an ectopic because I wasn't having any pains and I wasn't a candidate for them. Also when he did the intro-sono, he said most women are very tender and its painful for them. He offered Mark and I to do tests to see why we keep having miscarriages and see if we have any chromosome issues, but Mark doesn't want too. The miscarriages are totally different and nothing the same. Ill explain....

I told the Dr I wanted an ultrasound to ease my mind. He said that's okay and we went and got one done. They didn't see anything, but a cyst on my left ovary and small fluid pocket and my uterus that looked nice and thick for a baby. I went and got my levels checked and it went up to 791. The Dr gave me 2 options.....1. to get a D&C or 2. To wait it out, get more blood work done on Thursday and go back and get another ultrasound on Wednesday. I chose to do option 2. I really don't want to have to get a D&C done.

So I came home kinda confused. So I'm pregnant...my numbers are going up...but there is no baby....and he doesn't think I have an ectopic. I got on cafemom and alot of women said they went through the same thing. That its most likely a blighted ovum, or they call it, an early miscarriage, where the baby didn't grow. I'm not 100% if this is what I have but, I'm leaning towards it, by what it says.

Then last night, I was cleaning, because I hadn't been doing anything because of being pregnant and taking it easy, and so I started to put up clothes and pick up stuff from our trip and I started cramping really bad, which was a mix with gas pains and then I started to bleed again. I'm still having pains and blood now, almost 24 hours later. I don't know if this is my body getting ready to miscarry or what.

Through out this whole thing, I am at peace. I have prayed and prayed for peace, because it took so long for us to get pregnant and we were getting so excited about it, to end like this. I have felt like God has told me, that this pregnancy had to happen for us to go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I sure hope that's right. We still desire a family and a baby and we want to start trying right away. I know God is in control and I know he has a plan for us. I want his will to be done.

I get more blood test done tomorrow, so we shall see what the numbers are.
My HCG levels have gone from 521-615-578-791. Please pray for us, to have peace and strength during this time. Its been hard for me and very painful, physically.

Trying to stay positive

I was losing it last night. I was home alone for the first time since finding out I was pregnant and I felt so down and depressed too. I went into our nursery and just poured my heart out to God. I needed peace and happy, positive thoughts. I know God is our great physician and he can do anything.

My Dr.s appointment is tomorrow and Im kinda nervous, I wont lie. As much as Im thinking positive, I do think of them telling me bad news. But God has just put this block on the negative and is letting me think only positive thoughts, which I prayed for. I cant get over how much Mark and I prayed for a healthy baby and to get pregnant in HIS time and to not lose another baby, and then this all go wrong. I know sometimes we dont understand why things happen and I do want Gods WILL to be done.

I claim this baby in Jesus Name!!! This baby is Gods gift!!

Mixed emotions

I just have all these mixed emotions. Im sad one moment and then okay the next. Sometimes I accepted that this pregnancy wont go on, and then other times I want it more than anything. I have told you all that my heart was bursting for a baby, my desire was so strong. I havent had that desire anymore and it scares me. I think sometimes, if I even want a baby. I thought at first it was because I was so scared that here it is...something that I have been waiting for, for so long and now Im going to get to have it and I was just nervous. But then sometimes, I cant even picture myself with a baby anymore. I dont know if its because God has put this hold in my life, because he knows that maybe this baby wont make it and he is preparing me for it, or what. I dont like this feeling.....the feeling alone scares me.

I keep reading on ectopic pregnancies, which I shouldnt, but I think I need to be prepared. I dont fit in any of the women who get them, which confuses me. Then it says some women, depending on their pregnancy and how bad it was, have a hard time to get pregnant again. WHAT??? I dont need that. It was hard enough with everything fine. Im so lost and torn and Im finding myself in a very depressed mood. Im scared of an ectopic, because I know it can kill me if I dont get help fast enough. I dont want to have surgery for it, and I dont want it to rupture anything. Hopefully Tuesday I can get some answers and I will demand for them to keep an eye on me. I dont want them to tell me, to just go to the ER if I have pain, and good luck type attitude. I want them to keep an eye on me, which they should. I had read about ectopics before, and told myself, "oh, I hope I never have to never go thru that", because you have to take something to abort your baby. I dont believe in abortion, but the baby or the mom cant live. If I have to come to that, that will be so hard.

I just dont understand why Im going through this. We prayed and prayed for a healthy baby in HIS time, and to get pregnant in HIS time, and I always prayed to never lose another baby. So why is this situation pointing towards the bad?? I know God has his reasons and I want his Will to be done, but I really hope and pray its for nothing bad to happen. I would love to walk in the Dr's appointment on Tuesday and there be a healthy and happy baby where they are supposed to be. I would love to hear my hcg levels are where they are supposed to be. As much faith as I want to have, its not there. Like I said before, its like the Lord has prepared me for the worst.

I still continue to bleed, with no clots or anything, which I know can be normal, but its also a sign of ectopic. Its not bad, mostly more when I pee.

Is it bad to think if this is going to end, then I would like for it to just go ahead and happen? I dont like the not knowing. And, if its everything that they think it is, an ectopic, why am I even going through this?? Why even get pregnant? I know these are questions no one but God can answer, but I need to seek him for answers. Im really torn and confused. I try to do his will, to listen what he wants me to do. I always try and do the right thing. I want his will to be done. Im just scared.... :(

ER visit

I went to the ER last night because I was having some pains. I knew most likely they were really bad gas pains, but since they told me I could have an ectopic pregnancy, I went just in case. The did a pelvic exam and drew some blood. My HCG levels came back and they actually went down :( they were 578. He didnt rule a miscarriage, and when he did the pelvic exam he said there was just like a speck of blood.

I woke up this morning to blood. There was no tissue or clots, but still bright red blood. I dont have any pains, just the regular that I had been having. I just dont know what to do. I dont even feel pregnant, but at the same time, I havent lost all hope. Im not thinking positive like I should because everytime I turn around there is a negative. Im just going to wait and see what happens. I go to the Drs on Tuesday, so we shall see. Mark, bless his heart, has taken the day off, which he never does and also it was his first night going back in from vacation. He dosent want to leave me here all alone. I just feel so down and depressed. I waited and waited, and its not going like I planned at all. I dont even know why I got pregnant, if I wasnt going to get to have this baby, ya know??? I dont know.....

Lab results for Thursday

I went and got lab results today on top of a urine test. I think I have a UTI, so I wanted to make sure. The nurse called me back and told me my levels went from 521-615 and they are concerned and think that its either an early miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. I was freaking out and so scared. I didnt understand. I got on cafemom and alot of women told me that they went thru the same thing, where their drs told them they were going to have an ectopic pregnancy and ended up having a healthy pregnancy. Also alot of women told me, that some women just have slow rising numbers. After talking to a few great friends of mine, they reassured me that I need to think positive and put this all in Gods hands. I prayed and prayed for a baby in HIS time, and I cant imagine him letting me wait for 2 years, to get pregnant and end it. He is an amazing Father and there is a reason why I am going through this. I think, hopefully, I am going through this, so my faith can go stronger. Only man know so much and then there is God. Im trying with all my might to keep my hopes up high and claiming this baby. I have a Dr apt on Tuesday to get an ultrasound and to talk to him about everything and you know what??? I am going to see a sac and a heartbeat growing peacefully in my belly, because God is good and he answers our prayers. I just pray for peace, strong healthy baby, positive thoughts, strong body during this time. My husband has been my hero during this rough time. He has done anything and everything for me. He has been so supportive and 100% positive attitude. He prays over me daily and for my body and our baby. I couldnt of asked for a better man, husband, father of my babies, and best friend.
Please keep us in your prayers!!! I know God can do anything and everything and will happen to his will!!! If you could....bow your head and say a prayer now for us :) thank you!!