Life is a big lesson!

Today was weird. I slept so good last night. One of those nights where when you roll over, you smile because its so comfortable and your just so relaxed. I woke up, talked to my grandpa, had a good start off with the day. I get to work, thinking I'm going to be there for 3 hours, a short day. Had plans to go see about my grandpas income tax and then go work out. But when I was at work for the first hour, someone called in sick and wanted me to work their shift. I was hesitant at first, but then I knew I could use the hours and money.

I get home and have been thinking of my life. I don't hate it, I'm happy with where my relationship is with God. I'm more at peace with me and him alone, then when I was with someone in sin, away from him. I do miss the touch of a man. Sad part is, I know I could get it with just a text or phone call away. Temptation is there and I do even think about it. But I have to remind myself, I'm still married and I need to act like it. I honestly though, don't feel married anymore. I don't have a husband in my eyes. I feel released from him. But in the law of the land, I am married and I do have a husband. Soon I wont, and I hope I do feel different and then I will be able to go on dates without any guilt. But then I think about dating....and I don't think I want to date. I KNOW that God has someone out there for me and I don't want to look for him. I want God to join us together. I hope theres a man out there, waiting on God to give him his future wife. I want to look back a year or 5 years or 10 years from now and see the puzzle pieces coming together to form the happy life that I hope I will have.

I think about the people that I love and their happiness all the time. In fact, I think about their happiness more than mine sometimes. I remember in my therapy sessions, my therapist told me that I focus on other peoples lives and happiness more than mine, because I don't want to face my life and my issues. I think she may be right. But I have been really working on me and what I want. Ive realized that I have to let go and move on and people that I have loved or even love now, don't have to be in my life. People do come and go in and out of our lives everyday. I cant hold on to something or someone forever. So I'm trusting God to let our lives live out and who knows what later in life may hold for us. I may never see these people again or it might be in passing or we may be best friends later. Either way, I want what God wants and I don't want to dwell on things I cant control.

Life is a big lesson! You think you know whats best for you, but really you have no idea. Its really trusting and having faith in God that determines everything. Heartache, happiness, love, trials and death can all be a lesson God is teaching you. He can also be showing you something that he wants you to learn. It might not happen right away, maybe even later in life, but God is never done working on you and showing you his grace and love.

Letting go

Jeremy Camp
Letting Go

Gripping arms so tight
The security i have inside
Knowing what is right
Holding onto my cry

Letting Go
Of the things i hold so dear
Letting Go
Of all my pain and all my fears
Letting Go
Of the Things i hold so dear
Letting Go
Of all my pain and all my fears

I have been brought to a place
Where i want to give up everything
Where all i can do is seek your face
The brokenness i will bring

Letting Go
Of the things i hold so dear
Letting Go
Of all my pain and all my fears
Letting Go
Of the Things i hold so dear
Letting Go
Of all my pain and all my fears

holding onto the things i deem so strong
Holding on even though i know Ive held on
too long

Letting Go
Letting Go
Of the things i hold so dear
Letting Go
Of all my pain and all my fears
Letting Go
Of the Things i hold so dear
Letting Go
Of all my pain and all my fears
Of all my pain and all my fears

Letting Go.

This list is on my playlist. Its how I feel. I'm letting go and moving on! I was holding on to something that was never going to be there, but have no regrets and I'm spiritually ready to move on. I'm letting go and trusting God!!

I find joy in doing good for you

They will be my people, and I will be their God. And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever, for their own good and for the good of all their descendants. And I will make and everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. Jeremiah 32:38-40

I find joy in doing good for you, my child. Will you trust me to determine what is good and to provide it for you in my timing, on my terms? While I welcome you to pour out your wants before me, how I long for you to become so confident in my good purposes toward you that you will no longer beg me to accomplish your predetermined positive outcomes.
As you become more convinced of my goodness and my commitment to your good, worship will move from a determined discipline to a natural outflow and expression of our love relationship.

You are a God who does not withhold from me. You have put a desire in my heart to worship you, which is your greatest good toward me....

This was March 26th devotion. I know alot of times we want NOW and we want what WE want. I know in the past Ive done it, we all have. But even to this day, I still tend to think whats best for me and I try to "settle", but God keeps putting it on my heart, that he has something and someone out there, waaayyyyy beyond I can even comprehend. He has these huge plans for me and my soul mate is out there, the person he has designed me to be with. But what he wants from me right now, is to wait and trust and have faith. I don't even want to look for the guy I'm supposed to be with, I don't want to look for my path, instead I simply want God to guide me and let his plans play out.

I say that, knowing that's its not going to be easy. In fact, you may see a post a few weeks from now, maybe a few months saying, Why is my life like this? Why can I do and get what I want now? I know I'm going to face some hard times, I know I'm going to face my down days. I know everyday cant be picture perfect-rainbows-lollipops-sunshine-happiness.

I just want to say this.....My whole life Ive done things fast. I can do almost anything fast and I can get so aggravated at people who do things slow or they just take their time. I don't have alot of patience and in fact, I always used to say that God accidentally forgot to add patience to me when I was born. I'm always in a hurry. I'm always living in the past and in the future and I have grown more and more to try and live in the moment. I cant go back and change things and I cant predict the future. In fact, everything that I thought my life would of been like as a kid, hasn't happened.

I never thought I would of lost my mom at 16, or got cancer at 19. Never thought that I would miscarry or struggle to get pregnant. Never thought that my husband would cheat and leave me and that I would start over in my mid twenties in life. But this is my life. I cant change it. I can make it better though to the best I can. I can try and do things my way, (hard way) or Gods way (having faith). Just because it might be Gods way, doesn't always make it easy, so that's why I said having faith. But when things do get hard or doesn't make sense, guess what? God wants you to come to him, for he will give you rest, he will give you peace. There is a reason to every trial that we face. There is a lesson learned, and we may not know it now, or may ever know it, or we may look back a week, a month, a year, 10 years later and be like...."ohhhhh, now I see and understand why God wanted me to go through that". I have looked back even to last week and see a change in me. Last week was a hard week for me, not because of what someone did, but because of what I did. I let the devil back in my life and he was starting to take control again, and I had to put my foot down. I'm at peace. The Holy Spirit consumes me and slaps me around a little bit. I think God knows, I need tough love. He knows what I need and he knows what I need to hear and feel to make the right choices. The thing is.....is I want to listen. I say almost everyday.....Holy Spirit, think through me, live through me, love through me, speak through me. I even have it on my mirror so I can remember, that I want God living, loving, thinking, speaking through me.

I know I may blog about the same thing over and over, but I feel this is a good way for me to release my emotions. I want to look back when I start fully writing my book and remember what I was feeling and the steps and strength that I grew during this time. Thanks for everyone reading my blog. I hope I can be an inspiration or maybe a person NOT to be......a crazy woman!!! haha

High on life

Monday
I am so happy right now.....I don't know what it is....oh wait, I do!!!! Its God. I feel special sometimes with God, like I'm his favorite, because he has given me this peace. I feel like the chains that were holding me down are slowly being released and I'm becoming free. My divorce isn't over yet, but for some reason God is giving me peace that this is what needs to happen. I feel like God has put in my heart that Mark is going to choose to live in sin and I tried everything I could, and I can go on in life with a peace that I tried to save my marriage. God knows my heart and knows that I wanted to do the right thing and was willing to do anything for my marriage. But I'm being set free with it and am looking forward to the man God has created for me. I think about it everyday. I want that connection and bond with someone that my heart always yearned for. I want that Godly man that my soul intertwines with. I don't regret anything with Mark or Cass for they both are who made me who I am today. I just know God has this plan for me and wants to use me so much that he helps take away and put people in my life that needs to be there.


Tuesday
Today was a good day. I'm feeling so good about who I'm surrounding my life with. Each day is getting better and better with where my life is going. I love this peace that God has given me. I do wish Mark and her happiness and I hope they do turn to God. I don't really worry about Mark anymore and where he is in life. I did worry and wanted to "fix" him and I had put all my focus on him. But Mark knows what hes doing and he knows the choices hes making. If Mark is truly saved, then he feels it in his heart whats right and wrong, but its not my concern. I have to move on and focus on me and my choices. I do thank God for letting me get unattached to him.

My future has so many possibilities with God and I know he has a purpose for me in this life. I feel like I'm getting a second chance on life and I want this next time to be a path that God made for me.

Me

My New Years resolution this year was, "I'm doing me". Meaning, I'm going to focus on me. I thought at first that's being selfish, but really, no its not. I need to straighten out my life, focus on whats really important in life, fix the issues I may have, and get right with the Lord. I also want to lose weight. I know people say that all the time and they start off doing it and might lose some, but then they get back in their old lifestyle habits. I have been doing good for awhile now, since New Years. I don't put all my focus in it, but I'm aware of what I'm doing and eating. I try to work out at least one day a week. I know, your thinking, ONE DAY? But the other days, I'm doing other stuff. I have been mowing once a week and that's a few hours. I take my time and push myself. I even did yard work today and even moved stuff around, cut bushes, and weedeaded alot of overgrown grass. I pushed myself, not because I wanted too, but because I felt good. I put my music on and listened to Christian music and actually enjoyed myself. Ive also been walking for an hour or two at a time, and have been doing leg exercises at home. I have been eating way less and actually been on a meal a day. I know its bad for you to do that, but I'm just not hungry and don't even think of eating until my stomach hurts or my head starts hurting. I'm finding myself in clothes that I normally wouldn't wear, but at the same time, I'm feeling more confident in them.

I really want to change everything about me. I want to try new stuff, go outside my box. I want to have a different style and explore who Rachel really is. I want to build my confidence and become a stronger me. I want to be confident in who I am with the Lord and strong when temptation comes my way. I also want to be confident in my appearance and I want people to see God in me. When your "in love", you do tend to let yourself go, cause your comfortable and the other person loves you no matter what. But now I'm here, single, and when the divorce is final, I feel like I'm going to be let go in a world with prowling lions. I haven't been single and I don't know what its fully like. To say I'm not married or with anyone is going to be different for me for sure, and at first I even was a little scared, but I know God has a plan for me.

I want to get more healthy and get my muscle tone back. I want the next man that I'm with, I want him to be proud I'm on his arm. He may be proud even what I look like now, but I want to be confident on his arm and I know that means for me to lose weight. I have scars from my kidney cancer surgery to my appendix scars which are 3, that I'm a little insecure about. But I hope the next man that I'm with accepts them, because they are scars that saved my life. I know God has someone out there for me. I'm actually getting excited about him and hopefully the family God will bless us with.

I really am happy the strength God has given the past week and even the past 3 months. I can feel him transforming my heart and him preparing me for something great. I know I still need to remain to have faith in him and he will reveal or show me his plan and path. I really wish nothing but the best for Mark and I do hope he focus's on his relationship with God also. Ive accepted this is my life and how its going to be and I feel God preparing me for the next chapter in my life. I feel the pages slowly turning. :)

Letting go is the hardest thing

I can see it in your eyes, that your letting go
Ive pushed you away over and over.
Deep down I know your not for me
I know that God has someone else out there for me
and he has someone else out there for you.
So why is it so hard to let go?
We had this connection that I never felt before
When you hugged me, it felt so good
Why do you chose to find happiness other than God?
I wish you could be the Godly man that I need
I wish you were the one for me.
I hope to have a connection with my future husband
the way that I had with you.
I blocked you out of my life and then brought you back in
I thought I was strong enough and I thought my emotions had faded
but they came back, with a vengeance.
I had to put my foot down and push you away again.
I didn't want too, but knew I had too.
Everyone around me, says you cant be in my life
that you change who I really am.
But when I see you, I see the small moments of us.
The moments of our eyes connecting.
The moments where we smile at each other and know that everything is okay.
The way we feel when we lay there, without saying a word.
The times where we can act exactly who we are, because we know
the other person loves that side, because its real.
I miss the way it felt when we touched.
I miss the way I feel when I kiss you and a spark shoots through us.
How can we be so right and so wrong for each other?
Our souls connected in a way that leaves me speechless.
I know we will always be connected in some way throughout this life.
We will always hold a special place in each others heart
and it will be bittersweet.
I know we will always wonder how each other is doing
and wonder if they are truly happy.
We will always have our good times and our bad times.
We grew and got stronger together and I wouldn't take anything back.
Being with you, was the worst time in my life, but yet the sweetest.
It was the worst, cause we were in sin.
It was the sweetest, because we bonded.
I wish nothing but the best for you in this life.
I want you to find true happiness and be the best man you can ever be.
I hope you grow in your relationship with the Lord
and lean on him with everything.
I don't know why and how life brought us to each other.
We talk about the first time we ever met and then the second.
I love hearing those stories from you.
I love you so much, that words cant even explain.
I know you love me too. I know you would do anything for me.
But I need this time to grow closer to God and figure out
what he has in store for me.
I wish you nothing but happiness with this new journey in your life.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
I love you Cass!
Love always,
your baby!

Looking into the future

I'm not going to sit here and bash Mark, because Mark is a good man. I have learned tonight that I should be signing my divorce papers soon. I really feel ready now. I knew God was getting me prepared and I have even told my friends close to me, that I could feel it coming. My feelings over the past couple of months, went from praying for Mark and actually having hope that our marriage would somehow be saved and I actually do think Mark thought about it, to recently, my heart had became distant and unattached to him. I'm not mad at God because I know he could of stepped in and somehow intervened and changed Marks heart. I really feel like I wasn't supposed to marry him. I don't regret what I did, but I just feel like he wasn't "the one". I think we really did love each other, but I think we were used to each other and that we waited on each other, so it must of been right.

I know its going to be normal for me to feel sad and to feel 11 years of my life coming to a close, but I also know I'm going to be okay. I feel like God wanted me to have my last fight for my marriage, so I wouldn't have any regrets. He also wanted me to focus on what I should be focusing on and that is God and my marriage. But I also feel like God prepared my heart and put peace that this is what is going to happen. You never know....a miracle could still happen, but I know its not going too.

I have came such a long way the past year and I'm actually glad its taken this long for me to get my divorce. I was really mad at first at why he was taking so long, but I have grown and mourned and gone through another relationship and lived in sin and turned and lived right the best that I ever have and now I'm facing my divorce with no regrets.

I couldn't imagine being on the other side of the divorce and choosing to go against the vow that I took and still not try to make my relationship work and still move with the person that I left my spouse for. That guilt would suffocate me. But that's me.....and Mark is Mark. I don't know what will happen between them two, but all I know, is that their relationship will never be easy or of God. God would never bless that relationship, for it broke a marriage. It says in the bible, what God brings together, let no man separate. So why would God bless something or someones relationship, whom they helped separate? But that's not my life to live. I knew God, was never going to bless me and Cass as long as we were living sinful while being married and he didn't. God gives us the right to make the choices we want for ourselves. Mark will always be a follower. He will always act like the people he surrounds himself with. I have seen him go through so many stages in his life and act like someone hes not. Marks a good man, with a good heart, which at one point, wanted to follow God and do his will. I cant imagine right now, Mark actually thinking this is Gods will. For him to leave his wife, cheat on his wife, divorce his wife, and move back home. I'm sure there are alot of people around him, justifying what hes doing and making him think that its okay, and its okay to move on. Its not okay. I haven't even fully moved on, because I am still his wife. I am attached to him by law, by God and in my heart. Until by law, we are divorced, I know God will then cut the strings. Its just sad to me, to watch someone whom you loved and cared about, and wanted them to be the father of your children and to grow old with, is choosing to live a life of destruction and misery. But like I said....one day soon, it wont be my problem anymore. He will move and go on and I will go on, and we will be a memory.

Like I said, I didn't want this to be a post of bashing Mark, but I'm simply saying what I feel and what I think is happening. I don't know what is in Marks heart. I don't know whats in his head. But I can only go by actions and they show me what I feel. I'm not perfect and neither is he. But I hope one day he actually follows through with something once in his life. Marks always half assed alot of things. He was better than that. I never thought he would half ass a marriage. But he did. That's not what I want. I need a man to fully give his life to me, with God being first. I want a man who will fight for me. I want a man who doesn't give up and run away. I want a man that God has made intentionally for me, whom I can trust and love and it just feel right, with sparks and a connection. I know someone is out there for me like that. I hope one day soon, God will show me that man and we can get married and have a family. God knows my heart and how I really would love to have kids before 30. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I know with God, all things are possible :)

You are who you hang out with

YOU ARE WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH!!!
Look around and see who your surround yourself with.

Are they Christians?
Do they walk with the Lord?
Do they go to church?
Do they cuss like a sailor?
Do they watch porn?
Do they go to bars and drink all the time?
Do they hook up with people?
Do they lie?
Do they cheat?
Do they steal?
Do they witness to other people?
Do they love you like Christ loves you?
Are they there for you whenever you need anything?
Do they motivate you to do whats right?
Do they pray for you?
Do they live a sinful lifestyle?

These are good questions that I would want to know about my true friends. I know we all arnt perfect and there might be some things our friends do that we disagree with, but its their heart that we need to know. We can have a friend who might not live right and doesn't know God, but really, we shouldn't hang out with them. We can be there for them, witness to them, but eventually, they will pull us down. It says in the bible.......

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common. Or what fellowship can light have in darkness.

I can think of a few friends whom I used to hang out with and the more I hung out with them, the more I acted like them. Its normal, its who we are in the environment we are in. Its easy to act and do what someone else is doing around us. I do have to admit, I have been blessed with wonderful Christian friends all growing up. None of them perfect, they all made mistakes and sinned against God like myself, but they were also the ones who said, Dont do it, or I wouldnt do it again, or the guilt I felt is horrible. When you surround yourself with people who dont feel those things because they dont know Christ, then how can you learn from them? They WILL bring you down. What they are doing, starts to look fun and less "sinful". Your whole mind concept starts to change and black and white, turns to gray. I have heard stories from friends where addicts had all these so called friends and finally, that person went and got themselves help. Well when they got back from rehab, they went back home to where their old life used to be and all their "so called friends" wanted them to go back into their old habits. Well that person had to leave and move to get away because the temptation was always going to be there. Sometimes we have to step away from people we might love and care about so we can stay focused on God. Ive realized I cant change anyone. I cant make someone be someone they don't want to be. I think that's been one of my hardest, most difficult challenges that I had to accept. Instead you just watch that person live a sinful life, with no future of true happiness ever occurring for them. But all you can do sometimes is just pray.

I hope that whoever reads this, that maybe you can ask yourself, who am I hanging out with? Who are my true friends? Can they help me walk a path for the Lord? or will they bring me down?

Some thoughts....

I swear my yoyo of emotions are going to drive me crazy some day. I don't know why for awhile, I can feel like I never did fully love Mark, to realizing and missing the love I had for him. I was thinking the other day how weird of a relationship Mark and I do have. We can talk and be civil with each other without any hard feelings. I'm shocked alone at my side and how much, I really don't hate him or her. I'm more disappointed in Mark than anything. How he could let himself go like this. I don't hate her, cause I have forgiven her and him. She will have to stand before God one day for what she has done and is currently doing. I can justify my actions too for what I have done, but I know the truth. I know I was wrong and the sins I committed. But I have turned from them and don't want to do them anymore. I don't see Mark and I ever getting back together. I haven't in a long time. I had hope there for awhile, I thought I could see Marks heart being open to God and wanting to do whats right. But I just don't see it. I see Mark running from everything and thinking its going to be better. It might be better, but you cant run from God and you cant run from your actions. But I wont have to worry about it soon. I can feel the divorce is coming soon. I can feel me and see me signing the papers and waiting. I can see me going to court and having him tell us, its over. Right now, I can accept it. I know my emotions will all get stirred up realizing this is the end of 11 years and the vows we took really don't mean anything anymore. He is ending our marriage. He is giving up and throwing in the towel. He doesn't want to work on our marriage or get help for himself. He is simply walking away from a vow that he has committed to God. Makes me ever wonder if he can ever keep something.
I'm the type of person that doesn't like to volunteer myself alot because I will be devoted to being there and to giving my all. So I need to be dedicated and happy to do it, or I wont be able to give my all. I knew the vow that I was saying that day. I knew it was going to be a life long thing and that I couldn't turn back. I knew it was going to be hard and we were going to have trials, but I thought what God had joined together that no man would separate. But I was wrong. Man did separate us. For her to not have that guilt alone, would be scary. But he wants and chooses to be with someone like that. A non-believer. I know if she was a believer she wouldn't want to be in that relationship. But he wants to be with her and live this sinful life and I have no clue what he is convincing himself, but EVERYONE can see it. He can fill himself up with all these lies or justifications, but everyone can see the lifestyle he has chosen to live. Just like they saw me when I was living the way I was.

I know this post might sound negative and honestly it wasn't meant to sound like this. I was actually going to write about my love for Mark and how great of a guy he is and how big his heart is. But all this started to come to my mind as I typed. I'm not mad or bitter, but like I said, I'm just disappointed. I'm not perfect, I have made mistakes and I do everyday. Its hard to watch someone who has so much potential spiral down hill and live of the world. I can see Mark looking and seeking for worldly happiness. To get out of this town, to get a house or an apartment down in San Antonio, to get a good job, to be around his family, to "start over". Why cant he see that, all that still wont make him happy. He will always be searching if this is how he chooses to live.

I was talking to my friend the other day and she told me, yes, I'm selfish with material things, but I always put other people in front of me. I always worry and stress over people and I always want to try and fix them and to show them the right way. She told me, I need to stop focusing on them and focus on helping myself and do whats best for Rachel. I agree. I have been so good with my relationship with Christ and me walking diligently with Him. I was content and happy and I felt strong with where I was going. I still do. I just have had this bump in my life that is making my old self come back out. I go to God everyday for me to be strong and to do whats right. Its a daily battle and I hope to end up doing whats right and whats best for me. Please pray for me or say a prayer now that God will stir me in the right path. Thank you!

Who is this girl?

Its so crazy. On my computer my screen saver shows all the pictures on my computer, no matter what it is. It will go through each and every file. When walking by Ill see what its showing and sometimes its random stuff and then sometimes its ones where I just stare and look at it. Ive come to realize that yes, I was there when all these things and events happened, but I cant remember who I was and what I was thinking. I even think, why in the world did I dress like that or look like that, lol. I know we all grow and we all change with life and life circumstances, but some of these were just a few years ago. My friend always makes fun of me because I want to know answers to everything and I guess we all cant know, but who was I? I don't know if I have shut out that part of my life, but its hard to remember who I was with Mark and what life I used to live. I sometimes even have to think really really hard on something that Mark and I would do. I sometimes get mad that I cant remember what I felt when I was with him or how things were, when we were together. I don't know if I subconsciously shut out those feelings, or if God has helped me forget.


But I'm not who I was and I know I have said that before. Sometimes I wonder if I'm better or not. I'm better because I know my flaws that I had before and I have been trying to fix them. I'm better cause I'm closer to God and have put him first in my life. I'm better because I'm more independent and have been trying to not lean on anyone other than God. I feel like it can be bad because I have tasted sin and lived that way and how easily it is to fall back into it. I wasn't happy living that way, but it can become so easy, especially when you make it a lifestyle. I feel like I was an addict or something, and I can see why its a daily struggle for them to not go back. I know with everything that I have gone through, I can use it to be a testimony.






1st pic: Someone should of told me I needed a new bra that lifted me.

2nd pic: Honeymoon....Why is it that I can remember how I felt that day?

3rd pic: A Valentines Day book, I made for him. I'm just confused on it.

4th pic: I wonder if we really were supposed to of married.

5th pic: I knew I loved him, but alot of times we didn't feel connected.







I don't get it. Mark and I would always question when we kissed if we felt anything. I'm starting to maybe think, we went supposed to marry but we did because we devoted so much time in each other. I know he loved me and I know he knows I loved him. But was it enough? Obviously it wasn't. But I'm now starting to see and realize, I wasn't getting what I needed and wanted either. I just fell into this everyday comfort bubble that I was used too.

I just feel so numb right now to my past. The only thing I think about to really make sure and remind myself that I loved him was when he left and how distraught I was. I was willing to do anything to keep our marriage together. I did love him with everything, for he was my everything. But not anymore. No one is my everything, other than God. Maybe its because I don't know him anymore and he don't know me either. We are two completely different people and its okay. It still dosent make divorce okay and its not justifying it. I will still stand strong and say divorce is wrong. People can change for the worse, as easy and much as they can change for the better. I believe that God can unite me and Mark if that His will. I also read in scripture verse today, that one of the men in the bible were asking Jesus about divorce. Mark 10:2-12

2And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.

3And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?

4And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.

5And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.

6But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.

7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

8And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

9What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

10And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.

11And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.

12And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

For the hardness of your heart. Marks heart is hard to ever looking this way. He has fallen into sin so deep, he has hardened his heart to his doings. God knows my heart and my heart had gotten hard and sometimes I wonder if it is still. But I know that I cant change Mark. I cant make someone be with me and love me. I feel like I have put all the effort I can to try without making him mad. But it is what it is. I feel like I can go on in life and not have it hang over my head. Im sure Ill question what if I did this, or what if I did that? But I know Im not perfect, and I know that with God all things are possible, if its his will!! Yes, Jesus can heal this sick, but he also dont have too. Yes, he can fix my marriage, but he also might not want too. There might be a testimony that I or Mark can use during this, or maybe years down the road we will get back together. I can sit here and try to figure out the reasoning behind all this and try to figure out Gods plan, but I cant and I wont. Im going to take what God hands me and go down the path of blessings that he has set for me.

Yardwork

I woke up this morning determined to get my yard done. I had been wanting to for awhile, but the mower has been broken. I asked Mark to come over to fix it, but knew if he was going too it was going to be later in the day and I didn't have time to wait. So I woke up around 11am, went to the bathroom and walked outside and tried to see if the mower might want to cooperate today. It actually started and didn't yank my hand off and I got about 5 feet. Stopped, put it up and went inside, got dressed and headed to Lowes.

I went, got what I wanted, nothing fancy, and even a weed eater. I went to the counter with my credit card and it wouldn't work. I hadn't been to Lowes and used my Lowes card in forever and so I didn't even activate my card. So I stepped out of line and called them. They said my account was closed. They said they closed it due to not using it. I had to reapply. Well everyone was busy and the one woman who did do it, didn't know what she was doing. I do apps everyday at my job and I know if it says to call the call center, they do it, not the customer. Anyways, she gave me the info and I called them. They were a little disturbed that I was calling and not the worker. But anyways, I was approved but they didn't give me a card number. They said, all I needed at the register was my license. I knew it was not going to be that easy. Sure enough.....it wasn't. The dude that was checking me out, tried every which way to put my name in and it wasn't taking it. Another dude came over and had to re-call them and get it. Finally after an hour of being there, I left.

I didn't know how I was going to get my stuff in my little car, and it was so windy. I seen the box wasn't going to fit in my trunk, so the next option was the back seat. My grandpa was tired and walking slow and I'm trying to lift a 60 something pound box in the back seat with my car door trying to close on me. All of a sudden, this man came and helped me. Not only is he just a man, but my neighbor from across the street. Not only did he help me, but we put it in the back of his vehicle and he met me at my house and helped me unpack it. I'm telling you something, God does miracles. I wasn't expecting this. I didn't ask God to help me. He knew I needed help and he placed him at the same time of us walking out together. God knew that I was going to need help, God knew that I needed to take time at the register and all the pain and waiting for my credit card was going to place us at the same time in that moment. God amazes me almost every day with his blessings to me.

I was aggravated though, because everything did take longer than I thought and I had to assemble this new lawn mower. I really just wanted to take it out of the box and start. But I couldn't. I had to put the oil and gas in it. Assemble the handle and tighten it. But when I started, it was like heaven. I spent 4 hours today doing my yard work. I used to push a mower and it kill my back and was very uncomfortable. Nope, not today. I felt young and vibrant and ready to get it all done. In fact I did. In fact, I mowed where it didn't even need to be mowed, just so it would of been that quarter of an inch better. Then when that was all said and done. I dragged out the weed eater, put that thing together and weedeaded. Loved it!!! I was tired then. But I wasn't done. I came inside, took a shower, cleaned my room, cooked dinner, and did my nails, rested a bit and after writing this, is bible study time.

I love the fact that I can do what I want, when I want. I always based my life around someone else. I have to get this done before so and so gets home. Oh I need to wait till so and so gets home so we can do this. Don't get me wrong. I miss em. I miss having someone there. But I think what I would miss more, if no one told me they loved me, or wanted to be with me. I get those things. I feel needed and wanted. I turn down men weekly. I get asked out all the time and I smile and say, no thank you. So I'm still feeling pretty and men are interested in me. I know once the divorce is final, I will miss Mark. I mean, right now, hes still my husband. I'm still attached to him in some way. Even after Cass and I ended things, I missed Cass, but I knew we could both go on and not feel attached, though we always would, because we do love each other and was intimate together. What I learned in divorce class, is when you marry someone, you don't just break up and that's it. That person will always have a part of you, ALWAYS!!!! You were joined together. God looks at me and Mark as one, because we are under a vow. Being stripped away from each other, isn't a clean break. Its a sticky break that leaves parts of each other, stuck to each other always.

With Mark and I, we will always be each other firsts love, first everything! We will always have 3 babies together. Those are memories and things you don't forget. That you do carry special in your heart always. When we tell someone our story, our past, we will be explaining that person, the good, the bad, the ugly. The sad part is, I'm sure we will be telling different stories. But its okay!

So I'm going to be happy pulling out and pulling in my drive way the next few days, as my yard looks awesome and well groomed. I also want to get some little planters and put some pretty flowers in it, around my front door. I want to make it look spring like and inviting. Its been on my mind for awhile, but hadn't had the funds for it. Shoot, I still don't. But I would like too!!! haha!!!

Maybe if I get around to it tomorrow, I will take a picture :) I hadn't put any real pics up here in awhile. I cant promise anything though :)

A bunch of miscellaneous

I wanted to write in my blog tonight as I sit here tired. I should go to bed or clean up my room, but instead I want to write. Alot has happened over the past few days. Good and bad! Tonight I did get caught up in my bible study which I was behind about 3-4 days. I also ran a bunch of errands and paid bills and went grocery shopping. I went tonight and worked out with a friend with Christian music. It was fun!!! Got me sweating and stretching out places that needs to be stretched. I also went yesterday with a different friend and walked 2 miles. Now I need to get my grass mowed and I'm going to be doing good.

Someone walked in my life the other day and it surprised me. I wasn't expecting this person to walk in my life, and now I don't know what to do. I have been praying daily for strength and for direction. I feel the old me coming out, the one that lived in a sinful lifestyle and I refuse to go back that way. I refuse to have anyone bring me down and to stir me wrong. So right now, this person is at a distant, and they know it.

I'm hoping to lose weight and to start bettering myself all around. Now that I have been working on internally, emotionally and spiritually, I am hoping to physically get better. I want to do this for me. I want to feel more confident and hold my head up high. I want to be more healthier and just focus on ME!

I'm also praying for me another job. I do love my job, but they cant give me the hours I need. I know they would if they could, but they cant, because they are allowed so many hours a week. I know God has been providing for me, and I do trust and have faith that he will take care of my needs. I also feel ready to grow and to learn something new. To have a more dependant pay check every week or bi weekly and to also start focusing on paying off credit card bills. I just really want to better my life and get it under control as much as I can. I cant depend on another human like I did anymore, and this is on me. I want to make better choices and think more responsible for my future. I want the next guy in my life to be proud of who I am, and how independent I am. I want him to see my strength and accept me and be proud of me. I don't want to be like some of these women who solely rely on government or mommy and daddy. Don't get me wrong, I do lean on my grandpa financially. He helps me out alot and I wouldn't have my lifestyle or comfort if he wasn't here. But now that I'm on my own, I want to set myself up for good, in case something does happen to him.

Life isn't easy. Right when you think everything is okay and its going good, something happens. But that's where I have learned to always run to Christ. Even if I'm the one making the wrong choice or decisions, I still pray for Gods guidance. I have learned that I cant be perfect and I am going to make mistakes no matter how close I am to God. But I need to learn what is wrong and not do it again.

I'm happy though with my life. I'm happy with the people who are in it. I'm happy with what God has blessed me with and how my life is turning out. I know I'm about to go through a divorce and I'm sure my emotions will flare up as 5 years of marriage and 11 years together with someone is about to come to a close. But I'm pretty much at peace with it. Actually in divorce class on Sunday, I was talking about starting to feel unattached to Mark and someone interrupted me and said, that's healing! She was right. I'm healing. My wound is almost healed. I cant think of anything more I can do for him to come back and fight, and I'm at peace that I have done what I could of done to save my marriage. I'm not the wife he knew. I don't even know her anymore. I don't know who he is either. Its okay!!!! People change. I don't agree for it to go into a divorce, but at the same time, I cant control people and their decisions. I just need to live my life and find out what God wants me to do.

God is first

I sit here every once in awhile and wonder how can I better myself. I wonder what I can ask God to help me work on. I know we all have our faults and our annoying habits or our weaknesses that effect others. I want to know what they are and learn them and grow and be a better person, a better witness, a better testimony to people. I want people to see Jesus in me. I was created for a reason and I was created to worship God. He created me to praise him and to worship him.

I was talking to my friend yesterday about, me being born. My mom was a single parent, who had me at 26. She did everything she could to make me happy and provide for me. We also had the help from my grandpa. I had the best of both worlds to me. No, my dad wasn't in my life, but I did have a male role model, which was my grandpa and if anyone knows him, he is such a sweet Godly man. I have been blessed with people in my life. But we were talking about, what if I wasn't ever born? I would of never married Mark, he would of never of moved up here. My best friend and I wouldn't have all these memories of me and my mom. We wouldn't be R & R. I wonder what my grandpa would be doing or where he would be at. I don't know if my mom would of moved to Wichita, because we are from Dallas. But then I started thinking about the people in my life, if they wernt ever alive. What if Mark was never born. All my memories of 15, with him in my life wouldn't of happened. I wonder who would of been there if anyone, with my mom and with my cancer and everything else. Then I was thinking if Rebecca wasn't in my life. She has helped me so much over my life's struggles and especially recently, I don't know who would of been there. So I want you to sit there and think about the people in your lives today. What if God took them away right now? What if their time was done on this earth? How much impact are they in your life. I think all the time about my grandpa. Hes getting old. I no longer stress and worry about it, because I have no control. I have given God control of my life, and I know that he will take care of my needs. I will miss my grandpa, but I know that one day I will see him in heaven. But we all are created for a purpose, for a reason. Are you living or have asked God what that purpose is? Do you realize what God can do for your life? Just the past few months of me surrendering to God, he has amazed me EVERY SINGLE WEEK!!! I know hes here with me, walking with me. There is no better feeling, a better peace, that feels like. STOP


So I had stopped typing and was reading my daily devotion.....which says this.....

How I love to see your heart that longs to do right, and your feet that want to walk int he path I have laid out for you! Do you think I will withhold the guidance you long for, the understanding of my Word that you read in search of knowing my mind? Of course not. But there are no shortcuts. Spend time in my Word. Spend time on your knees. The intensity of your search will be met with abundance of understanding. As you saturate yourself in my Word rather than snack on tidbits here and there, your questions will be answered, insight will be given, treasures will be revealed.

I feel like that's what I needed to hear today and hopefully it can touch someone else out there. God is real, God is loving, God is a jealous God and he wants all your attention, today, tomorrow and forever. God never leaves you and he gives you this feeling, that you don't need anyone else. God is enough for me. Anyone else in my life are just extra bonuses :)

I hope and pray for who ever is reading this, will be touched in their heart, to repent, and ask God to be first in their life. :)

I am Second book is awesome!!!!!!!! I have enjoyed reading it and would recommend it to anyone! Its about putting God first and then you second. About surrendering everything to God and basically a bunch of people who couldn't do it on their own anymore. Just like we all need to get to a place before its too late.