I'm not going to sit here and bash Mark, because Mark is a good man. I have learned tonight that I should be signing my divorce papers soon. I really feel ready now. I knew God was getting me prepared and I have even told my friends close to me, that I could feel it coming. My feelings over the past couple of months, went from praying for Mark and actually having hope that our marriage would somehow be saved and I actually do think Mark thought about it, to recently, my heart had became distant and unattached to him. I'm not mad at God because I know he could of stepped in and somehow intervened and changed Marks heart. I really feel like I wasn't supposed to marry him. I don't regret what I did, but I just feel like he wasn't "the one". I think we really did love each other, but I think we were used to each other and that we waited on each other, so it must of been right.
I know its going to be normal for me to feel sad and to feel 11 years of my life coming to a close, but I also know I'm going to be okay. I feel like God wanted me to have my last fight for my marriage, so I wouldn't have any regrets. He also wanted me to focus on what I should be focusing on and that is God and my marriage. But I also feel like God prepared my heart and put peace that this is what is going to happen. You never know....a miracle could still happen, but I know its not going too.
I have came such a long way the past year and I'm actually glad its taken this long for me to get my divorce. I was really mad at first at why he was taking so long, but I have grown and mourned and gone through another relationship and lived in sin and turned and lived right the best that I ever have and now I'm facing my divorce with no regrets.
I couldn't imagine being on the other side of the divorce and choosing to go against the vow that I took and still not try to make my relationship work and still move with the person that I left my spouse for. That guilt would suffocate me. But that's me.....and Mark is Mark. I don't know what will happen between them two, but all I know, is that their relationship will never be easy or of God. God would never bless that relationship, for it broke a marriage. It says in the bible, what God brings together, let no man separate. So why would God bless something or someones relationship, whom they helped separate? But that's not my life to live. I knew God, was never going to bless me and Cass as long as we were living sinful while being married and he didn't. God gives us the right to make the choices we want for ourselves. Mark will always be a follower. He will always act like the people he surrounds himself with. I have seen him go through so many stages in his life and act like someone hes not. Marks a good man, with a good heart, which at one point, wanted to follow God and do his will. I cant imagine right now, Mark actually thinking this is Gods will. For him to leave his wife, cheat on his wife, divorce his wife, and move back home. I'm sure there are alot of people around him, justifying what hes doing and making him think that its okay, and its okay to move on. Its not okay. I haven't even fully moved on, because I am still his wife. I am attached to him by law, by God and in my heart. Until by law, we are divorced, I know God will then cut the strings. Its just sad to me, to watch someone whom you loved and cared about, and wanted them to be the father of your children and to grow old with, is choosing to live a life of destruction and misery. But like I said....one day soon, it wont be my problem anymore. He will move and go on and I will go on, and we will be a memory.
Like I said, I didn't want this to be a post of bashing Mark, but I'm simply saying what I feel and what I think is happening. I don't know what is in Marks heart. I don't know whats in his head. But I can only go by actions and they show me what I feel. I'm not perfect and neither is he. But I hope one day he actually follows through with something once in his life. Marks always half assed alot of things. He was better than that. I never thought he would half ass a marriage. But he did. That's not what I want. I need a man to fully give his life to me, with God being first. I want a man who will fight for me. I want a man who doesn't give up and run away. I want a man that God has made intentionally for me, whom I can trust and love and it just feel right, with sparks and a connection. I know someone is out there for me like that. I hope one day soon, God will show me that man and we can get married and have a family. God knows my heart and how I really would love to have kids before 30. I don't know if that will happen or not, but I know with God, all things are possible :)
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