A bunch of miscellaneous

I wanted to write in my blog tonight as I sit here tired. I should go to bed or clean up my room, but instead I want to write. Alot has happened over the past few days. Good and bad! Tonight I did get caught up in my bible study which I was behind about 3-4 days. I also ran a bunch of errands and paid bills and went grocery shopping. I went tonight and worked out with a friend with Christian music. It was fun!!! Got me sweating and stretching out places that needs to be stretched. I also went yesterday with a different friend and walked 2 miles. Now I need to get my grass mowed and I'm going to be doing good.

Someone walked in my life the other day and it surprised me. I wasn't expecting this person to walk in my life, and now I don't know what to do. I have been praying daily for strength and for direction. I feel the old me coming out, the one that lived in a sinful lifestyle and I refuse to go back that way. I refuse to have anyone bring me down and to stir me wrong. So right now, this person is at a distant, and they know it.

I'm hoping to lose weight and to start bettering myself all around. Now that I have been working on internally, emotionally and spiritually, I am hoping to physically get better. I want to do this for me. I want to feel more confident and hold my head up high. I want to be more healthier and just focus on ME!

I'm also praying for me another job. I do love my job, but they cant give me the hours I need. I know they would if they could, but they cant, because they are allowed so many hours a week. I know God has been providing for me, and I do trust and have faith that he will take care of my needs. I also feel ready to grow and to learn something new. To have a more dependant pay check every week or bi weekly and to also start focusing on paying off credit card bills. I just really want to better my life and get it under control as much as I can. I cant depend on another human like I did anymore, and this is on me. I want to make better choices and think more responsible for my future. I want the next guy in my life to be proud of who I am, and how independent I am. I want him to see my strength and accept me and be proud of me. I don't want to be like some of these women who solely rely on government or mommy and daddy. Don't get me wrong, I do lean on my grandpa financially. He helps me out alot and I wouldn't have my lifestyle or comfort if he wasn't here. But now that I'm on my own, I want to set myself up for good, in case something does happen to him.

Life isn't easy. Right when you think everything is okay and its going good, something happens. But that's where I have learned to always run to Christ. Even if I'm the one making the wrong choice or decisions, I still pray for Gods guidance. I have learned that I cant be perfect and I am going to make mistakes no matter how close I am to God. But I need to learn what is wrong and not do it again.

I'm happy though with my life. I'm happy with the people who are in it. I'm happy with what God has blessed me with and how my life is turning out. I know I'm about to go through a divorce and I'm sure my emotions will flare up as 5 years of marriage and 11 years together with someone is about to come to a close. But I'm pretty much at peace with it. Actually in divorce class on Sunday, I was talking about starting to feel unattached to Mark and someone interrupted me and said, that's healing! She was right. I'm healing. My wound is almost healed. I cant think of anything more I can do for him to come back and fight, and I'm at peace that I have done what I could of done to save my marriage. I'm not the wife he knew. I don't even know her anymore. I don't know who he is either. Its okay!!!! People change. I don't agree for it to go into a divorce, but at the same time, I cant control people and their decisions. I just need to live my life and find out what God wants me to do.