Life is a big lesson!

Today was weird. I slept so good last night. One of those nights where when you roll over, you smile because its so comfortable and your just so relaxed. I woke up, talked to my grandpa, had a good start off with the day. I get to work, thinking I'm going to be there for 3 hours, a short day. Had plans to go see about my grandpas income tax and then go work out. But when I was at work for the first hour, someone called in sick and wanted me to work their shift. I was hesitant at first, but then I knew I could use the hours and money.

I get home and have been thinking of my life. I don't hate it, I'm happy with where my relationship is with God. I'm more at peace with me and him alone, then when I was with someone in sin, away from him. I do miss the touch of a man. Sad part is, I know I could get it with just a text or phone call away. Temptation is there and I do even think about it. But I have to remind myself, I'm still married and I need to act like it. I honestly though, don't feel married anymore. I don't have a husband in my eyes. I feel released from him. But in the law of the land, I am married and I do have a husband. Soon I wont, and I hope I do feel different and then I will be able to go on dates without any guilt. But then I think about dating....and I don't think I want to date. I KNOW that God has someone out there for me and I don't want to look for him. I want God to join us together. I hope theres a man out there, waiting on God to give him his future wife. I want to look back a year or 5 years or 10 years from now and see the puzzle pieces coming together to form the happy life that I hope I will have.

I think about the people that I love and their happiness all the time. In fact, I think about their happiness more than mine sometimes. I remember in my therapy sessions, my therapist told me that I focus on other peoples lives and happiness more than mine, because I don't want to face my life and my issues. I think she may be right. But I have been really working on me and what I want. Ive realized that I have to let go and move on and people that I have loved or even love now, don't have to be in my life. People do come and go in and out of our lives everyday. I cant hold on to something or someone forever. So I'm trusting God to let our lives live out and who knows what later in life may hold for us. I may never see these people again or it might be in passing or we may be best friends later. Either way, I want what God wants and I don't want to dwell on things I cant control.

Life is a big lesson! You think you know whats best for you, but really you have no idea. Its really trusting and having faith in God that determines everything. Heartache, happiness, love, trials and death can all be a lesson God is teaching you. He can also be showing you something that he wants you to learn. It might not happen right away, maybe even later in life, but God is never done working on you and showing you his grace and love.