Waiting, ready and bored

So I'm waiting.....I don't feel pregnant. I thought I was feeling pms symptoms, but they kinda went away. As the days, weeks, and months go by, I'm getting closer to not having a baby this year. I really wanted this year to be the year. At times, I just want to throw my hands up and just say forget it. I really do!!! I know I will get pregnant and have a baby when God is ready, so should I even worry and try to have one? Should I take meds to get pregnant? I mean, I guess if its Gods will, then I wouldn't even get pregnant anyways. But maybe I need that extra push? I don't know!!! I really get discouraged at times. I think sometimes, its just not what I'm supposed to be....maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother. But then I cant understand why I would feel this way...why I would have this desire and urge and when I see a baby, I just melt. My heart melts, to hold my own child, to kiss their fingers and toes and watch them sleep. I want that so bad. I want to be able to feel them kick inside of me. But then again....I get discouraged that its never going to happen. I have lots of friends and family tell me, "Rachel, it ll happen...your turn is coming up next". But it never does....someone else I know, will get pregnant before me.

Is it sad, that I'm like bored with my life? I'm ready for that next chapter. I'm ready for me and my husband to have more responsibilities and to love someone else that's apart of us. I know Mark wants a baby bad too. We pray everyday together and he prays for our babies in heaven, and thanks God for them everyday and for the babies that we are going to have. We both pray to have good health and for our finances. God has blessed us so much....I mean he really has blessed us and has let us do things, I really didn't think we were able to do, and he has just blown me away of his blessings. It makes us think, maybe hes getting us ready for a baby. We are doing things, we wouldn't of been able to do with a baby or pregnant. Our God is so awesome!!!

Who knows....maybe its just one of those days....I'M READY!!! that's all I have to say....I'M JUST READY ALREADY!!! I've been ready....I'm tired of waiting....I'm bored....

cute and funny

I went to this website that will show you what your baby "will look like", and I was having fun with it. You can also see what your baby will look like with a celebrity.
The first one is Little Abigail.

Second one is Little 2010, because I didnt choose a sex or a name.

And this is Little Noah.

Who would of thought, we would of had blonde and red heads, LOL. Like I said, It was fun and cute.....kinda scary, but in the end, our baby will look like what God wants them too :)

Busy, Busy, Busy

We have been working on the kitchen all week. Mine and Marks schedule are way off now. He was off Sunday-Thursday, and of course I had to work. So we had to work on the kitchen when I got home. We have been putting down the wood floors, and it really does take 2 people to do them. But we did get it all done Wednesday night. I feel so relieved and I love the floor. It feels clean and more healthy in there now. We had put those sticky squares on top of the old linoleum and after awhile, it just felt dirty. Plus we had bought the squares back in 2003 and put them down and they were the kind they just came out with, and it was made cheaper, because now they have better kinds, which that's what I did my bathroom in. They are made harder and can hold up better. We also got our new tables and chairs in and Mark put the table together today. I guess its good to have a hubby who worked for a furniture store in the past, lol. All we are waiting on, is one more chair. I guess it didn't come in, which is fine, because we have a total of 6 chairs together. The table can sit 6, but we are just going to be 2 chairs at our bar until we really need them for company.

All I have left in the kitchen, is to buy trim, to put at the baseboards and some trim for the wall ( I had some, but I accidentally cut off BOTH short....I was so mad at myself...I never do that, 2 times). I also need to buy a curtain for the window and some things to put on the bottom of our table and chairs to it wont scratch the new floor. They came with rubber things, but I want to make sure and protect them anyways.

So, we are at the end....and now I feel like the rest of my house is out of date now, lol. But it will be awhile before I do anything else. I really would love to redo my grandpas room. He needs a room makeover and I know he would love it. But he has some big, bulky furniture and I don't really know how that would work, lol. But when its all said and done....I will post before and after pics.

February 26

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. -1 Peter 3:15

February 25

You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. -Job 11:16

February 24

"Whoever does Gods will is my brother and sister and mother." -Mark 3:35

February 23

I appeal to you, brothers....that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. -I Corinthians 1:10

February 22

...Morning by morning the dispenses his justice, and every new day he does not fail... -Zephaniah 3:5

February 20/21

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. -Psalm 119:105

February 19

On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations, he will swallow up death forever. -Isaiah 25:7,8

February 18

You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receieve glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have thier being. -Revelation 4:11

February 17

"The Redeemer will come to Zion, to those...who repent of their sins." -Isaiah 59:20

February 16

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge...-Psalm 18:2

February 15

A good name us nire desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold. -Proverbs 22:1

Our kitchen

Our kitchen is a pay in the butt. It took forever to rip up the old flooring and the glue that held the floor down and now it took us forever just to figure out how to put the new wood together. Also, I didn't buy enough, not even half....I'm freaking out....their not cheap, but its got to get done. I cant have half of a kitchen done and plus, our tables and chairs should be in this week. I just want it all done and over with. Now that my work week is starting, Mark is off. But I know Mark isn't going to get it done. He really doesn't like doing this kind of thing. I mean, he will help out as much as he can, but he would prefer doing something else. But, the good thing is, we are a little over half way done. I did the retouching of the paint today, and I might have to do a little bit more, and then of course the flooring and adding the decorations which shouldn't take up alot of time. I already bought the decorations like a year ago. Pretty scripture verse sayings with flowers on it. I want to buy new rugs and oven mittens and stuff to match, but now that I have to buy the new floor I don't know, lol. I might have to wait to earn some money or get our tax return.

Which that's another thing. We still haven't filed. I don't know when we are going to have time to file. Our schedules are off now, and I really don't know when we will. We might do it on the Internet through Social Security.

I believe the other day, I ovulated. I swore Friday I was, and then it felt like on Saturday too. But I just don't know....I have been working so hard on this kitchen and worried about it and trying to get it done, that I know it doesn't help to try and get pregnant. I would really love to get pregnant and have a baby THIS YEAR, but I have one more month if I'm not pregnant to have a baby this year. I leave it up to God and his time. It just gets so frustrating sometimes. But there is a reason and I have to put my trust and faith in him, why I'm not and why all this time if going by.

I always wonder

I always wonder

I always wonder, when my time will come.
I always wonder, if I would be a good mom.
I always wonder, when I will get pregnant.
I always wonder, if my pregnancy would be fine.
I always wonder, how my delivery will be.
I always wonder, if I'm going to be scared.
I always wonder, how hard its going to be.
I always wonder, how much I will love my baby.
I always wonder, the feeling to have my baby kick in my belly
I always wonder, what it would feel like to be called mommy.
I always wonder, how great of a dad Mark will be.
I always wonder, what our finances will be like.
I always wonder, how much my life would change.
I always wonder, how protected I'm going to be.
I always wonder, if I'm truly ready.
I always wonder, if I will look cute pregnant.
I always wonder, if I'm going to gain to much weight.
I always wonder, if I'm healthy enough for a baby.
I always wonder, if I will have a boy or a girl.
I always wonder, what month and year I will be due.
I always wonder, picturing my baby.
I always wonder, how much sleep I will lose.
I always wonder, how my focus will change.
I always wonder, if I'm fit to be a mother.
I always wonder, how I will feel after I give birth.
I always wonder, the moment I see my baby for the first time.
I always wonder


(Thanks Tina for the comments, it really means alot to me to have encouragment and prayers)

Results

So I talk to my nurse today and she told me that everything came out fine with my pap-smear, so that's good and I talked to her about the other day with the V shape uterus and the left side of my fallopian tube. She told me, not to worry about the V shape uterus, that's its nothing to be concerned or worried about and that the Dr. will be looking at the x-rays about the left fallopian tube. I remember the Dr. telling me, theres nothing to worry about, but they are going to look closer. I had read too, that if you just have one that is working fine, its still good percentage on getting pregnant. I'm not even sure if its blocked or anything, but it didn't go through as fast as the right side. God is going to take care of us and I just feel peaceful right now with this whole ordeal. I guess, now I have options, even though I would love just to get pregnant naturally without any meds or anything.

But I realized that I should be ovulating any moment now. I have to say that I did have extra mucus which is a sign of ovulation today, BUT, Mark had to go to work, and so we didn't get to do anything. That's whats so aggravating. I don't know sometimes what to do with our schedule. We did get pregnant the first time, by only making love once that month. I know anything can happen, by Gods grace, I really just hope its soon.

I do on the other hand, feel like I'm getting alot of things that I have been wanting to do, out of the way. We are currently re-doing our kitchen, with new paint, floors, furniture, and I know that I wouldn't of been able to do it, pregnant, or with a new born. We had gotten our mattress that we wanted too a few months back, now we just need a new bigger vehicle. I know God will take care of our needs, and I feel really blessed that we are getting things that we need and out of the way. We really needed new table and chairs and I was blessed to get those this past weekend. We were down to like 2 chairs and a table, and it was just bad to have anyone over and be comfortable sitting at our table. But when my kitchen is all done, I am going to post pictures of before and after.

HSG test

So yesterday, I had my HSG test done. It was not pleasent at all. Mark drove me to the clinic, which Im glad that I read on the internet, what some women suggested. I couldnt of drove....I couldnt even walk or stand up. Let me tell you what happened.....

So I get there almost 11am, that's when my appointment was and my Dr had already told me that he was going to have surgery that morning, but if they wernt done by 11am he was going to leave the surgery to come to me. So that was nice of him. The best nurse ever, Barbara, led me to the room (which Barbara was there when I miscarried, she is MY nurse, the woman I always call and talk too) and I changed waist down and laid down on this hard bed. They had about 5 people in the room, one to take the xrays, one to help the Dr, the Dr, the person reading the xrays, and a student and if there was anyone else, I didn't know. I honestly, didn't even care who was in there, it was painful. So I lay there and the Dr. does his thing and puts the clamp in me, which I'm used too, and then all of a sudden, I feel this pinch. I moaned really loud. The guy reading the screen, was like, you can watch the screen if you want. I was in pain, I tried to watch it, but I didn't care at that point. My Dr. just put a catheter in my uterus and started shooting dye in me. I did look over occasionally and saw that the dye went through the right tube, but then they didn't know about the left tube. The guy reading the screen, didn't see it go through or something. I'm not even sure. I asked the Dr. if that was the worst pain, and he was like, umm...maybe, and it was. The pain that "started" didn't get any worse. Now when he took it out and was done, my pain started. Oh I forgot 2 things. They said it looked liked I had a "V" shaped uterus and also they wanted me to role, with clamps and a catheter in me from side to side to take test. That was weird. But back to the end. He leaves, well everyone seemed to leave and he talked a few minutes and then left. He was in a really big hurry. I lay on my side and my nurse wants me to try and get up and all I want to do is just lay there. I do get up and go to the bathroom to put my clothes on. I come out of the bathroom and I'm walking funny, bent over. The nurse and the lady taking the pictures asked if I was alright. I told them, I was in pain. My nurse gave me a hug and told me its normal and that the pain should end that day. We walked out and I told Mark to go to get the car and pick me up, cause we were at 2 different ends of the building. There was no way I was going to make it that far. I swear to you, it took Mark a day to come get me. I was standing out there bent over in the cold weather and people were walking in and out, and I'm sure they were looking at me funny, but I didn't care. I see him round the corner and I hurry him my way. I couldn't sit, I couldn't walk, I couldn't do anything. It was painful. I come home, lay down, take 2 Tylenol and at first I couldn't get comfortable and then it finally eased about an hour later. I had aches and pains that day and a little blood, but I'm fine now. I took the whole day off of work and just relaxed.

Then I get to work today and I overdue myself and start cramping a little bit. But I'm good. They say that alot of women get pregnant after getting this test done, cause it "cleans" the woman's tubes out. Please pray and hope that this is true and that it will happen to us. The next thing the Dr recommends is Clomid, and then if that doesn't work, insemination.

I am having my periods at 28 days and I know I am ovulating. Things seem to be getting better, and I really would love to hold my baby in my arms and finally have a family. Please keep us in your prayers as we try for our family.

Last Thursday

So last Thursday, the day after I was throwing up, Im getting ready for the San Antonio trip and its around midnight and I honestly lay my head down on my pillow and breathe in and the phone rings. I didnt think Mark was going to call me, because it was so late, because he usually calls me at his lunch break. So I get up, because my phone was on the charger and I noticed that it was a different number. Im like....hmm....its late, so Ill go ahead and answer it. Well the man goes...."Hi, this is Sargeant _______(forgot his name) at Allred". I was like...who? lol....I didnt hear what he had said. He repeated it and then I freaked out all of a sudden. Because when they call me, it usually means something bad happened, he got stabbed, or something. But then he keeps going and says...Mark has been throwing up all night and his blood pressure is really high. They asked me, to come pick him up and then I did get to speak to him, and he told me, he might have to go to the ER or that he will go to the Dr in the morning. So I panicked. I thought he was throwing up because his blood pressure was so high and that he was going to have a heartatache or stroke. His blood pressure gets that high. And before he left he was stressing out, and I was just tieing it in all together.

So I wake my grandpa up so he can go with me, so he can drive the truck back. Well while we headed that way, it was soooo foggy. Im in a hurry and speeding, because the prison is so far away. Its actually in a different city. Im speeding and I asked my grandpa...I wonder if I get pulled over and they gave me a ticket, if I could fight it? He told me, I could. Well 2 minutes later, I see the red and blue lights behind me. I didnt even know there was a car behind me because of all the fog. So I pulled over in the median, lol. There wasnt a side space and I was in a hurry, so I pulled over in the middle. I got everything together and I swear the cop took his precious time. I guess he was running my plates. Well he finally gets to the my window with his bright flashlight and was shining it in my face and in the back of my car, and I hand him my information and I dont even know what he said. I started talking and telling him, the prison called and I need to pick up my husband because he has high blood pressure and I was in a hurry. I think he could tell that I was like ready for bed, consider what I looked like and what I was wearing and also my grandpa was with me. Then he asked me if the ambulance was out there, and I told him no and then I told him I would slow down and then I drove off.

I get to the prison and my hubby looks so bad. He told me he has been throwing up all night and that he just needs to get him something to drink and he will just go to the Dr in the morning. I was worried, because I wasnt sure if it was his blood pressure or what. But then we both were thinking...well....I was sick the day before, but we wernt throwing up for 24 hours, and so we didnt think we had a bug. We just threw up our food and then felt like crap. So we both were talking and realized that we both ate a frozen pizza TV dinner and we both agreed it tasted funny. I didnt even finish mine, that I had taken to work. So we arnt eating those and we are better and we both think they were just spoiled or something.

We did head to San Antonio the next day and he didnt go to the Dr, he felt much better, still weak and his stomach was weak too. But we are good now!! :)

February 13-14

We love because he first loved us. -1 John 4:19

13- New Moon
14- Valentine's Day
14- Chinese New Year (Year of the Tiger)

February 12

Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. -Hebrews 13:7

February 11

...Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today... -Exodus 14:13

February 10

Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are his..." -2 Timothy 2 :19

February 9

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. -Psalm 4:8

February 8

Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? ...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:35, 39

February 6-7

...God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right. -Acts 10:34, 35

February 5

Understanding is a fountain of life to those who have it... -Proverbs 16:22

Dr Apt.

So I woke up today and went to my yearly woman's exam. *fun fun* It actually wasn't so bad. I swear the ones I have gone to before, took forever, this was like 30 seconds. Why did these other people take so long? Anyways, when he came in he started talking about the next step for pregnancy. I was glad, because that's why I was there. So we have:

1. Checked Marks Semen

2. Got on Zoloft to ease my stress

3. Tried pre-seed and pre-concieve

and the crazy thing too, is I told him that my periods have been coming every 28 days for the past 3 months. He told me that was huge. He told me since Im having regular periods, I must be ovulating normal, and I did tell him I was ovulating cause of my ovulation pains that I get.

So he told me the next step he wants me to do is to get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test done. So Tuesday, I have a test to see if my fallopian tubes are open. They will go in and shoot dye in my ovaries and tubes to see if they are open and if they arnt blocked or have damaged or anything. I did ask him what are the chances of having blocked tubes when I got pregnant before? He told me very slim. But then the more I researched, some blocked tubes can be caused from past surgery's (check) and from pregnancy loss (check). I have had both of those things, but I am praying that there is nothing wrong. They also said and even the research has said that alot of women get pregnant right after the test is done, because sometimes the dye will clear out anything that might of been blocking in there, like mucus or something. Sometimes I get my hopes up with that kind of stuff and I always feel like I get let down. I remember when they said, after you miscarry and after you have a baby you are more likely to get pregnant....well that didn't happen either.

I never knew in a million years, I would be struggling so much and be going through all of this just to get pregnant. I always thought it was going to be a breeze...boy was I wrong.

Do you think that I'm rushing God? Do you think that I'm not listening to him? The Dr. prescribed me clomid again, even though he told me this month was to late to take it, and me and Mark have been praying to see if this is what God wants us to do.

I really get tired of people telling me that "oh your still young". Well I have been trying for over 2 years, so who was to say that it'll be another 4 years. I really do want to have more than one kid. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother. But I do know that God told me I am going to get pregnant. This just stinks....I feel discouraged!!!

Please, please, please pray for me and my heart and Gods will and for my test results to come out good!!! Hopefully this will be our month. I would love for these test to come out normal and we DID get pregnant. I would love to have a baby growing in my belly :)

Today (graphic)

Today is Wednesday February 3rd. This morning around 1am I woke up with stomach pains. It felt like I needed to throw up but I really didn't want to get up and do that. But after awhile of just laying there, I decided that maybe if I went ahead, I might feel better and go to sleep. Oh my....having to throw up with a hernia is torture. I mean, maybe its because I haven't thrown up in a long time, like years, and I forgot what it felt like, but this hurt like a mad monkey. So I get to the toilet and alot of times when I "had" to throw up, I had to make myself, but this time, it just came out. Everytime that I had to throw up, I was heaving. Heaving is the worst. I was sweating bullets and feeling like I was going to pass out. I couldn't breathe right, because I was trying to tame my stomach that it wouldn't heave. Then I went and laid down and felt so much better and cooled down. Then about an hour or two later, it came back. But this time, it wanted to come out the other end too. So what do you do? I mean, everytime I was throwing up, it was coming out the other end, but if I wanted to sit on the toilet, then the vomit would of gotten everywhere. So that part just had to wait. But luckily I didn't get it all over my clothes, it just felt like it. But man oh man....That was not fun. Again tho....I was sweating bullets. Then I would go back and lay down and feel better. But then around 7am, Mark came home and I ended up doing it all over again. I called into work and my voice was gone, and my boss didn't even know who I was, lol. But she said its bad and that I need to just stay home and get better. I have been home just resting and sleeping. My body felt like it got hit by a bus. I didn't eat anything till about 9pm and it was some frozen fruit. OH, I learned something....NEVER, I REPEAT, NEVER DRINK WATER WHEN YOU HAVE FOOD POISON. Your not supposed too. I learned one time. I drank some and then threw it up. Nope....not supposed to drink it. I was worried about becoming dehydrated, but I didn't care, because throwing up was worse. Mark got me a Gatorade after I woke up and it helped alot and I didn't throw that up.

I went and got my hair done. Yes....I still went. I was weak and tired, but I needed it done. It looks good. I will post pics up soon, right now I'm looking rough and my hair kinda messed up cause of the rain!!

Oh and back to the food poison.....I ate at Jack in the Box last night....I took my grandpa after we went and ran some errands and we both got the same thing. Yet....I got sick. I did have more than him, like I had fries and chicken tenders and a shake..... and he just had the tenders. So I'm thinking maybe it was the curly fries or the shake, but I don't know. Maybe my chicken was bad, or I just have a weak stomach or something.

But God is good and it wasn't as bad as some of the stories I have been hearing. The night before I had taken the pregnancy test and I knew I wasn't pregnant. I guess its good that I took it the night before, or I might of gotten my hopes up high.

So that was my lovely day!!

February 4

Love the Lord your God and keep his requirements... -Deuteronomy 11:1

February 3

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings... -Malachi 4:2

February 2

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. -James 1:17

February 1

Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart! -Psalm 32:11

Another....

NEGATIVE!!! I wanted this month to be it soooo bad. I calculated it, and I would of been due October 15th. That would of been perfect for me, or so I thought it would of been. I guess that's what God didn't want for us. It just gets so frustrating. Why is it so easier for some people? Why was it so easy the first time? I mean...I'm going on 2 years in May. 2 YEARS!!! So, I have my woman exam on the 12th and I'm really going to talk about the next step. What we need to do and what options we have. We know that Mark is okay and fertile, so why arnt we getting pregnant? He might want to prescribe clomid again and I will have to pray about that. Mark and I have been talking about the options and whatever it will be, we are going to pray about it as a couple and future parents. I don't want to rush God, but I know he gives is things to help us. Some women need IVF and insemination to get pregnant. I hope that doesn't be the case for me. Please keep us in your prayers as we go through this journey and that our time is coming soon!!! Soon meaning this month!!!

God wants You to Know on Facebook

God wants You to Know on Facebook: "On this day of your life, Rachel, we believe God wants you to know ... that God sees you as you truly are, - a holy child of light:
I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are."

Blessings & Faith

So I was talking to my friend about blessings and health. I just wanted to share with you, how having cancer can change anyones life. Even though sometimes I forget I had cancer, because I have been so blessed to live a normal life, it really did change my thoughts and views of my future.

Having cancer at 19 and thinking or not knowing that you could die or have a hard road in front of you was sooo scary. 3 years before I watched my mom get stabbed with needles and lose her hair and lose so much weight and suffered for me and to think that I might be going through what she just did was so scary. The Dr.'s actually wanted me at first to go to Houston and take chemo treatments. But after it was all said and done, they decided that it was my choice, but they don't see a need or reason too, but just to keep an eye on me. I didn't have insurance and they were sure they got it all, so I didn't take that step.

After all that, I realized how short life was and how I wanted to get married to Mark and have a family with him. Sometimes as time is flying by and I'm watching all my friends have babies, I think, do I have my life of time for a baby? Why isn't my chance coming up? Ive had cancer and my time isn't like the healthy women out there.

Ive also had a friend who brought it to my attention, that maybe I shouldn't have a baby because of me dieing or have a higher chance of dieing young. Would it be fair for that child to lose a mother at a young age? Am I being selfish for bringing a child into this world? But then I think... God gave me another chance.....he opened up my eyes to see how short life is and to appreciate the little things. Money isn't important....a big TV isn't important....having a fancy house and car isn't important.....family, love, God, faith, friendship, eternity, happy memories is important. I also think....what if I didn't die young, and I never did have that baby? I don't want to regret my life and these years. But in the end, its God who has control over my life. I don't think he would of put this strong desire in my heart if it wasn't meant to be.

I am waiting on him and his time. As much as I would LOVE to be pregnant right now, I give it all up to him. Its hard sometimes to give something you want so bad to someone else, but I know God is in control and I always pray to never lose another baby. That was so hard, and if I have to wait on a healthy baby....I shall wait!!! He has something special in store for us and if I'm here a year later writing on hoping I'm pregnant....I guess....so shall it be!!! I hope that's not the case tho, lol....I hope I'm sitting here writing how blessed and special a baby is and how I'm so in love with their smiles and coos and watching them sleep.

Faith is something that you have to work on. Faith is giving everything you believe and handing it over to our Lord. You need to have faith that everything will work out fine, even though right now doesn't seem like it.

I told my friend tonight.....SOMETIMES BLESSINGS ARE IN DISGUISE.... sometimes we might not understand a blessing when its happening, until later when you can see the whole picture. You need to wait and realize that God already has the whole picture painted.....he knows what the final picture will look like. Right now....we are feeling it in. God knows whats best for us, and he wont give us more than what we can handle. Sometimes life just sucks, but when we give it all up to him, he can turn it around in a second. You just need to trust and have faith!!!