Therapy

I want to share a little about what I have learned in Therapy.

I have learned that I need to not tell people all of my business. I don't know why I do....but I do.

She told me I have this great ball of energy, that its so good for kids, but when I'm talking to people, I need to calm it down, so they wont be overwhelmed with everything.

I learned that I need to just STOP and listen. She even tested me with this. When she was asking me about my Guardian angel, she said, Now I just want you to answer the basic answer to my questions. So it seemed like she took forever, but in reality she took only like 3 minutes. I wanted to say so much at that time, that I was getting ency and I put a pillow in front of my face. Its that bad people!! I have alot to say and I cut people off all the time. But she didn't let me say everything and all that was unnecessary and you know what happened? I calmed down and it wasn't that big of a deal. So I know I can listen to Mark more and not just overwhelm him with so much, that he then just shuts up and not talks to me. I noticed when I give him the "stick", he opens up more and shares stuff with me. I'm learning....

I learned that I am sensitive to peoples emotions. I can sense when there is a problem. She said it was a blessing a curse. A blessing, because I can pick up on peoples change of moods and a curse, cause it gets to me and I worry. EXAMPLE: Let say we are in a room with people. Theres 5 of us. Someone is talking, but all of a sudden they change their tone of voice. She said, no one can normally hear it....but I can. She said, to me its / / this much of a difference, when to normal people, they would have to change their voice / / this much for them to notice. I don't know........I just feel like my life sucks sometimes, lol.

I learned that my sixth sense to my Guardian Angel is good. I can hear him and she was very curious about it. She even told me the time before to draw a picture of him. That was my homework. I loved it, though I'm not the best drawer. I know my Guardian Angel, I know his name, I know what he looks like. I asked him, what his name is. Think about it? Your whole life, you have had this angel around you, protecting you. He knows your name, but you don't know his?! I wanted to know....I asked him....he told me.....If someone wants me to explain my story with him, I can....just leave a comment, if your interested and Ill post it.

I love my therapist. She whips me in shape...she listens to me....but she knows when to cut me off. Shes not ashamed to either. Mark has been going too. He has Tuesdays, and I have my Fridays. Hes had one session so far. I know it takes most men alot more to open up to random people, but he wanted to go, so I'm happy.

I cant think of much right now, but I'm sorry I haven't been updating as I go. Its been a hard time for us. It has been a rough year to start like this, but I have faith that it will get better. I just hope, that maybe we have to go through this to get stronger as a couple, spiritually and emotionally, for whatever may come. I hope nothing bad happens, but I just want us to be a strong Christian couple for our babies!!!

God Bless!!

Ups and Downs Pt 2

Its been getting better. We went to church on Wednesday and we even went to church today. Let me tell you something about today's church service.

Last night, I woke up at 2am, because Mark made a loud noise cause he was up. I couldn't go back to sleep, so started reading the Love Dare book that I actually bought a long time ago, but never did it. I wanted to start it and see and I read the beginning. It then gave me this scripture verse.

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

As we were getting ready for church today, I read him that scripture verse. We get to church and the preacher started talking about how he has had this topic on his mind lately and he didn't know why, but he needed to say it. He then says to go to this scripture verse. WHAT???? How can that not be the Lord? His whole preacher service was about putting God first. Not putting worldly things in our spiritual path that can let us stray from him. What is making our spiritual path sick? Is it porn? video games? Internet? drinking? drugs? Is any of these things more important than reading your bible? getting closer to God? talking to him? It made me think. How much time do I spend on the Internet? How much time do I read my Bible? Do they balance out? Not even close, considering I never look at my Bible other than church time, and I'm being honest. I'm not proud to say that. But things are going to change. I want God number one in my life, in my marriage, in my future kids lives. I want all of God in me, leading me, guiding me. I want to feel close to him. I want to love him and know that he is always there. I want my husband to feel the same way. I don't want this worldly life to separate us. I don't want us to give up on a vow that we both stood before God and committed. I knew taking those vows that there was no turning back. More reasons why it was a scary day. But at the end, when I said them, I meant them and there was no turning back. Things get hard, but you work through them. I know this and now I'm teaching my husband. I think he is weaker than me, in the Spiritual Path. Ive always been strong to that. I'm going to be a submissive wife.

Please just say prayers for us as we get stronger with each other and with God!!!

Ups and Downs Part 1

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm still trying to sink in everything that my life has brought to me. With my dad reaching out to me, to Mark and I questioning our relationship, to me with 3 jobs and trying to find time for everything else.

I haven't spoken to my dad in about 2 weeks. Its okay though, because I don't get on much anymore, because I'm so busy and tired, so I'm not sure if hes even been on. I did wish him a Happy Birthday on Tuesday, as he was turning the big 5-0. I still hope to talk to him and get to know him, but I guess only time will tell.

Mark told me the other day, he is still in love with me, as he has questioned that the past few months. He knows he loves me, but of course you can love anyone really, but being IN love is another story. Monday was hard. I cried my eyes out. I cried so much that the next day when I went to work, a student came up to me and asked me if I was okay. I said, yes, why? She said, because it looks like you have been crying. Mind you, I haven't cried since the night before, so you know how bad that must of been. Tuesday, we still were having it rough, so I went out to Madel's and bought us 2 books. One is called, "I don't love you anymore" and the other is called " I don't want a divorce". That book is a 90 day guide to saving your marriage. I also went and bought Fireproof the movie. We had seen it a couple of years ago, when we were trying hard for a baby, but haven't since. I knew it would be good for us to watch it. The I don't want a divorce book, recommended us getting a couples devotional to do. So Thursday we went and got one and its called Night Light. Its a 6 month one, so we are just doing a couple a night, which is good.

Friday, was a bad day for us. I went to my usual therapy sessions, which that's another blog, and I came home refreshed. I come home to find him mad the whole day, with whatever I did, it was wrong. I was scared to say anything, because I knew he would jump down my throat. Later that night, he got all mad and started filing his taxes by himself. I asked him what he was doing, and asked him, why cant we file them together? He started accusing me, of being too slow and not getting my paperwork and business information together fast enough, which I had been working on. He got all mad and stormed out of the house. I can honestly say, I didn't do anything wrong. I tried to do everything that I have been learning in my therapy sessions. He is fighting a demon that has a hold of him. Its not me anymore, its him. He is in this rut, and he is not leaning on the Lord. I know the devil is telling him that he is not in love with me anymore. I think if you really knew us and seen us, we are in love. He is in love with me. Everyone tells us, we are meant to be and we just click. Hes been pulling away alot and fast lately and I don't know why.

But to get to the part, he calls me and tells me hes fine after he leaves. I said okay, and he tells me he just needs some time to himself. I totally can understand that and I let him have his space. I cry, talk to my grandpa, we pray and then I go and start watching the Fireproof movie. It calms me down and then Mark texts me and tells me I love you Joy Rachel. I text him back, that I love him too. He was gone for a good couple of hours, but when he returned he brought me back dinner and tells me, all he did was drive around, got gas and talked to his mom. I wasn't going to ask...I know hes not cheating on me. I know he calls his mom when we get like this, because he wants answers. I'm not sure what he tells her, but when he comes back, hes more calm, so I'm not going to complain.

We eat and then we go do our devotional. I ask him afterwards if he wants to watch the movie with me and we do. We are loving and a couple again. He gives me the love that I have been needing. In the movie, theres a part and the man tells the main actor....Your heart can be deceived. That was so Mark. He doesn't understand why things arnt like how they are. He doesn't understand why he doesn't love me like he used too. Hes confused and I know its all the devil. The Lord doesn't do that. The Lord wants us to be a strong, God driven couple, and the Devil is putting his foot in the door, when Mark needs to shut it. I know my husband is saved and I know that he loves the Lord. But I know my husband is weak. I want him to build a strong relationship in the Lord.

I know deep down, we are going to be okay. We are going through some hard times, and I know its normal. All the books are describing us and so I know that couples go through this and more harder situations. We have gone through more than most couples have together with my mom dieing, me having cancer and with us losing 3 precious babies. We can defeat this...we can get through this...why? because we have God on our side!!

Blah & Grrrr

I had a rough day Monday. I knew it was going to a super long day and I did NOT want to be there. I don't know what it was. My boss has been driving me insane and blaming everything on me. I told her last week that she was delusional about things and it turned out I was RIGHT!!! She hears things that arnt true and turns them around and everyone looks at her like shes crazy, cause she is....but anyways....
I knew Monday, that I was going to call in. I needed a day off. I was just pissed off and I needed some time to think. But Tuesday, I did decide to go back to the Dr. because I have been having a swollen throat since November, when they told me they thought I had Strep. All the test, had came up negative, but they still put me on 2 antibiotics. I admit, I didn't take them right, but I did finish my last ones. So I went and my throat looked better than before, as in, I didn't have the white bumps, but I just had redness and swollen. The nurse had said, Ive seen people come in with just a red and swollen throat before and it ended up being Strep. Deep down, I was like, yeah okay. Because my Dr before, sent it off to a lab, cause he just knew it was Strep, which those test results, came back negative. Anyways...they gave me yet another Strep Test and it was a small positive. The nurse was right!! So the Dr came and told me that hes putting on me on more antibiotics and if these don't work, (which I need to take right, and I AM) then I need to go back and they will send me to a Ears, Nose and Throat Dr. which I don't want to go too.
So I started taking these antibiotics and they are whooping my butt. I have felt like crap and have been so tired and sleepy. I think all day, I slept, only but a few hours.

Mark had the stomach bug since last Wednesday, but woke up yesterday alot better and can do his normal stuff and keep food down. Though yesterday, I was feeling nauseous and threw up and today, I cant eat much. I don't know if I have what he has, or its just my medicine. Who knows....but I do have to admit.....Monday, I didn't want to be there so bad, that I told a co-worker of mine that I wish I was sick, so I didn't have to be there. That's sad...I mean, sometimes, I feel like, why am I here, if I'm this miserable??

I had a dream last night, that my boss and I got in this huge fight. I told her she was a B word and I quit. I left and told her Ill be back to get my stuff. She then said no, but I walked away. I had the keys to the building and I told her Ill leave them on her desk, when I'm done getting my stuff. I'm not going to go into all little details about my dream, but all I want to say is, at the end of the dream, I missed the kids.....I missed my actual job for working for the Lord. How can this one person, whom I have called a second mom, just aggravate the life out of me. I think its because she doesn't see her faults and she wont listen to us when we try and correct her. It drives me nuts! Shes a nice woman, and I want to say a Godly woman, but.....some of her actions and her ways of thinking, really make me question that part. And this is someone who is running our school. She nit picks on everything and everyone. Shes never there and when she does, we all wish she would just leave. Everyone knows, I have the poor end of it, because we share the same office and have to be in the same room with each other, while everyone else goes back to their classroom. I really need to pray about this. I do love my job. I love working for the Lord. I love talking to the kids. I love my hours and my days of working. I love being able to ask for time off and not have to worry about anything. The job is a blessing, and I know that each and every job has their negatives. Ive bit my tongue for too long though. She needs to know some things and when I told her last week....she freaked out!!! I'm not scared to express how I feel and my concerns. But I'm just a "child" to her. UGH.....

My dad and I speak for the first time in years

I don't know what to say, but I did want to share our conversation. I believe it was almost 2 hours long. I didn't get my questions answer like I wanted too. I did joke alot, because A, I was nervous a little bit and B, I want to make it not so serious. I dont know his sense of humor and his personality. Some of the things he said, kinda made me upset. I guess its a first step and I guess we will see where it goes.....




Today
[Hershel Conner]
12:46am
hi u there
[You]
12:46am
yes
[Hershel Conner]
12:46am
what u doin
[You]
12:46am
just playing games
i just got home
[Hershel Conner]
12:47am
kool
[You]
12:47am
lol
what are you doing?
[Hershel Conner]
12:47am
i seen you went on a crise to progess from your pictures
[You]
12:47am
to progresso?
yep
we went on our honeymoon
[Hershel Conner]
12:47am
looking at pictures
[You]
12:48am
and my mom took me on one before she passed
im sorry
some are rough
lol
i have alot
i love to take pics
[Hershel Conner]
12:48am
your moms not around no more
[You]
12:48am
no
[Hershel Conner]
12:48am
wow
[You]
12:48am
she passed away when i was 1
16
[Hershel Conner]
12:49am
wow i didnt no that
[You]
12:49am
yepperas
yeppers*
she had ovarian cancer
[Hershel Conner]
12:49am
illnes are accident
[You]
12:49am
she was 42
she also had skin cancer
[Hershel Conner]
12:50am
your waht now 2os
[You]
12:50am
but they got that
25
[Hershel Conner]
12:51am
so it was an accident
[You]
12:51am
no
she had ovarian cancer
[Hershel Conner]
12:51am
oh bummer
u still live in witcha falls
[You]
12:52am
yep
we moved here when i was 6
[Hershel Conner]
12:52am
kool
me and my wife we usally go on a crise once a year at least the last 6 years we have
[You]
12:53am
where do you go?
[Hershel Conner]
12:53am
go are ben
[You]
12:54am
carribian?
[Hershel Conner]
12:56am
well depends the crise we try and go tto places we havent ben to put out of gallevston you usall in up cosumel and grand c. ben nassuar
key west floida
[You]
12:56am
gotcha
[Hershel Conner]
12:56am
ben around 10 are 11 different new places
[You]
12:56am
thats good
its good to see different places
[Hershel Conner]
12:57am
we are thinking aobut goin to las vegas this year are maybe floida
ben there befroe
[You]
12:57am
sounds like fun
[Hershel Conner]
12:57am
bt i sure enjoy
it
better then staying at home on vaction
[You]
12:57am
thats true
me and my husband always try and go somewhere every 3 months
not far far, but just a little road trip
[Hershel Conner]
12:58am
we usally plan it out and save the money when the time gets here
about the way we do
we have gone to new york one year
and stays athe the nigra falls
that was kool
[You]
12:59am
i wanted to go there at Christmas time to see the tree
mom took me to Canada one time
well my grandpa, me and my mom
we drov
drove
lol
i slept the whole way
[Hershel Conner]
12:59am
usally we drive when we go off
[You]
12:59am
we do too
im trying to get my husband to ski
[Hershel Conner]
12:59am
u missd the views
[You]
12:59am
he wont
but i always wanted too
i dont care about the views, lol
thats what my mom said
i just wanted to sleep
riding makes me sleepy
[Hershel Conner]
1:00am
thats why my wife drives so i can rember how to get back
[You]
1:00am
lol
thats good that yall take trips
im glad you got a facebook
got with the times
haha
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:01am
me to
[You]
1:01am
ive looked for you before, but found nothing
then i found miriam
and then laura found me
[Hershel Conner]
1:01am
got more pixs just havent plaeced then in face book yet
was you lost lolol
[You]
1:02am
lol
yep
[Hershel Conner]
1:02am
lolol
[You]
1:02am
do you type alot?
[Hershel Conner]
1:02am
you sleep threw it didnt no your way back ha
[You]
1:02am
lol
your goofy
[Hershel Conner]
1:02am
what ever
[You]
1:02am
my co worker said im going to sleep my life away
[Hershel Conner]
1:02am
why u asked that
[You]
1:02am
lol
no reason
[Hershel Conner]
1:03am
just some i guess
type that is why
[You]
1:03am
i dont know your persoanlity
so i dont want to offend you
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:03am
ok
[You]
1:03am
i joke alot
[Hershel Conner]
1:03am
i may be i dont no
me to
[You]
1:04am
what im saying is, either you dont type too good, or cant spell or great, LOL
not trying to be mean
to great*
see im not perfect either
:):)
[Hershel Conner]
1:04am
i not all that good but im trying
[You]
1:04am
i see that
im proud of you
:D:D
[Hershel Conner]
1:05am
i did take tying one
[You]
1:05am
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:05am
i n high school
[You]
1:05am
well
that explains it
lol
im jk
[Hershel Conner]
1:05am
the 1977
[You]
1:05am
i see your turning the big 5-0 this month
your getting to be an old man
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:05am
put belive it are not im on the compter most the day
[You]
1:05am
haha
[Hershel Conner]
1:06am
50 the 25th
[You]
1:06am
what do you do?
man
what are you going to do?
[Hershel Conner]
1:06am
over the hill
[You]
1:06am
that was 10 years ago
im old too, so its okay
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:06am
its all down hill from there
[You]
1:06am
nah
your at your pime
prime
[Hershel Conner]
1:06am
lolol
[You]
1:07am
whats your wifes name?
[Hershel Conner]
1:07am
i guess
kay
[You]
1:07am
is that her real name?
or is it short?
[Hershel Conner]
1:07am
yes
[You]
1:07am
oh ok
[Hershel Conner]
1:07am
she works at the hospial in the businness office
[You]
1:07am
cool
[Hershel Conner]
1:07am
ben there 23 years
[You]
1:07am
thats good
[Hershel Conner]
1:08am
ive ben at cola coca 11years
work 3and ahalf on and 3 and half off
[You]
1:08am
so im guessing you drink coke?
my husband works 4 on, 4 off
[Hershel Conner]
1:08am
coke zero
[You]
1:08am
well
i have bad news
i dont drink soda
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:09am
thats good
[You]
1:09am
so that aint doing me no good
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:09am
i quit for 6 months
lost 35 pounds
[You]
1:09am
my new years resolution for 2004 was no sodas
[Hershel Conner]
1:09am
was on a diet
[You]
1:09am
so its been since 2003 since i had any
listen
it didnt do sh*t for me
im still fat
lol
so somethings wrong with that
[Hershel Conner]
1:10am
its n ot the cocke tis good for u
lolol
coke
[You]
1:10am
i dont drink any caffiene
its proibably why i sleep all the time
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:10am
ok
i guess im lucky
didnt have a good problem loseing weight
[You]
1:11am
oh hush
i dont want to hear that
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:11am
but have gain back 10 pounds
the last 3 months
[You]
1:11am
drinking soads again?
sodas*
[Hershel Conner]
1:12am
eating food
and candy
[You]
1:12am
i dont like candy
[Hershel Conner]
1:12am
lolol
[You]
1:12am
i dont know why im fat
[Hershel Conner]
1:12am
its loves me
[You]
1:12am
i guess i just got the fat gene from my momma
oh well
[Hershel Conner]
1:13am
bay fat we;;ll lose it
baby
[You]
1:13am
lol im past the whole baby fat thing
i wish i could blame it on that
[Hershel Conner]
1:13am
lolol
waht ever
[You]
1:13am
lol why do you keep saying that
you make me giggle
[Hershel Conner]
1:13am
why not
[You]
1:13am
so what you been up to the past 25 years?
lol
just fartin around?
[Hershel Conner]
1:14am
ha ha
i dont no where time go
been married for the last 16 of it
[You]
1:14am
you got any other kiddos?
[Hershel Conner]
1:15am
nope just a step son hes 35 lives in rowlett
[You]
1:15am
good
im an only child an i love it
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:15am
name is michel simons
[You]
1:15am
i dont want to have to share or anything
im selfish
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:15am
ok
[You]
1:16am
how come you didnt have any more kids?
listen
[Hershel Conner]
1:16am
im the 10th child of elven
[You]
1:16am
i know
my momma told me
but listen
im nosey
everyone i know, knows im nosey
so, your going to have to get used to that
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:16am
wie can have kids
[You]
1:16am
can or cant?
[Hershel Conner]
1:16am
cant
[You]
1:17am
how come?
[Hershel Conner]
1:17am
in side taken out
[You]
1:17am
gotcha
she had a histerectomy?
[Hershel Conner]
1:17am
yeap years before i meet her
[You]
1:17am
thats sad
she must of been young
[Hershel Conner]
1:18am
thats hormones pills thank god
ha
[You]
1:18am
lol
oh i know
my mom had one at like 40
but she didnt want to take those pills
[Hershel Conner]
1:18am
she 60
[You]
1:18am
soo....yeah
ohhh, you like em older huh?
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:18am
she not that older only 10 years
[You]
1:19am
lol
shes a cougar
lol
im just kidding
[Hershel Conner]
1:19am
was was 29 she was 39
she dont look her age
[You]
1:19am
thats good
she must take care of herself
[Hershel Conner]
1:20am
but sure acts it lolol
[You]
1:20am
lol
she know about me?
[Hershel Conner]
1:20am
i guess
[You]
1:20am
you make me laugh
[Hershel Conner]
1:20am
she weight s about 127
7
kinda
[You]
1:20am
kinda, lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:20am
she dont what to belive it
[You]
1:21am
i want you to know this
and im being hoenst
cause thats how i roll
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:21am
you go girl
[You]
1:21am
but i want you to know, i never blamed myself for you not in my life
i never thought....oh i dont have a dad, it never even dawned on me
maybe its because my grandpa was always in my life and he was the male role model there, i dont know
i dont know how you feel
i dont know....i have no clue
im not trying to sound mean
but i just want you to know that
[Hershel Conner]
1:22am
kool
[You]
1:22am
i know alot of girls, blame themselves for not having a dad
what do you think?
[Hershel Conner]
1:23am
i aint dead yet
[You]
1:23am
lol
ill be open and honest, when i ask you this
[Hershel Conner]
1:23am
think about what
[You]
1:23am
i know i wont have the guts in person
but do you want to be a part of my life?
[Hershel Conner]
1:23am
i dont no do i
[You]
1:24am
you tell me
i cant answer that
[Hershel Conner]
1:24am
is that a trick question
[You]
1:24am
lol
its up to you
the ball is in your court
im okay either way
im not pressuring you today right now
this is all new
[Hershel Conner]
1:25am
well never really got down to think abt it
[You]
1:25am
im glad you approached me and asked me to befrined you and sent me a message
im not expecting anything from you
i dont want anything from you
i would like to get to know you is all
[Hershel Conner]
1:25am
thank laura for that
[You]
1:25am
yea, i know she wants to meet me
[Hershel Conner]
1:26am
she said you was just like me
[You]
1:26am
how?
[Hershel Conner]
1:26am
i told here when i saw your pix you was here daughter
[You]
1:26am
i see n that
[Hershel Conner]
1:26am
kassie
[You]
1:26am
my friend said i looked alot like her
when i saw your pic, i didnt see a resemblance at all
im like....maybe my mom made an accident
haha
of course i wasnt there, so i have no clue
lol
Hershel is offline.1:27am
Hershel is online.1:27am
[Hershel Conner]
1:27am
no you didnt take your good looks after me lolol
[You]
1:27am
lol hush
[Hershel Conner]
1:27am
lolol
[You]
1:28am
everyone thinks i look like my mama and gma
iu always thought you must of had a big nose cause my mom and cousins dont
but you really dont
so i dont know where i get it
[Hershel Conner]
1:28am
well have you seen pixs of my side
[You]
1:28am
laura said that me and her daughter have the same kind of nose
your side?
your profile?
of your face?
im very blunt and open
you can ask me anything
if you want too
[Hershel Conner]
1:29am
ok
me to
[You]
1:29am
i was going too anyways
haha
i make myself laugh
[Hershel Conner]
1:29am
ha ha ha
[You]
1:29am
my husband dosent laugh at me
he says im not funny
but i think im hilarious
[Hershel Conner]
1:29am
what ever
[You]
1:29am
lol
what is the whatever
lol
so
[Hershel Conner]
1:30am
any thing u say
[You]
1:30am
when i popped out of my mama, was you not ready to be a daddy-o?
[Hershel Conner]
1:30am
i think your funny
[You]
1:30am
good
im glad someone does
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:30am
how about that
guess not am i
[You]
1:31am
not now
back then
lol
keep up old man
im jk
o:)
wait
O:)O:)
there
[Hershel Conner]
1:31am
i bet i can out run u
[You]
1:31am
hey
i do me some zumba
thank you very much
lol
i love zumba :D:D
[Hershel Conner]
1:32am
what ever
[You]
1:32am
i love to shake what my momma gave me
lol
what was your favorite subject in school?
[Hershel Conner]
1:32am
u mean i had one
[You]
1:32am
yes
you did
[Hershel Conner]
1:33am
u mean i had one
[You]
1:33am
it was?
math?
english?
spelling?
no it wassnt that one
[Hershel Conner]
1:33am
u mean i had one
[You]
1:33am
lol
what are we on repeat?
[Hershel Conner]
1:33am
math
[You]
1:33am
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:33am
math
[You]
1:33am
lol
i love math too
i went to collge for accounting
college*
[Hershel Conner]
1:33am
didnt see it on the screen
[You]
1:33am
oh gotcha
this chat messes up alot
[Hershel Conner]
1:34am
i think my battey low ono my key board
[You]
1:35am
ohhh ok
[Hershel Conner]
1:35am
its wiresless
[You]
1:35am
so how do you charge a wireless keyboard?
[Hershel Conner]
1:35am
i kinda like spelling
lbut
[You]
1:35am
i love spelling
i was doing 11th grade spelling in 7th grade
[Hershel Conner]
1:36am
change batterys
[You]
1:36am
ohhh ok
[Hershel Conner]
1:36am
wireless mose
to
[You]
1:36am
ive had one of those
[Hershel Conner]
1:36am
mouse
[You]
1:36am
it was a pain
[Hershel Conner]
1:36am
i love it
so yall ever make it down to waco
[You]
1:37am
um...we dont
the farthest we get is midlothian
and i havent been there in years
we need to get another vehicle
[Hershel Conner]
1:38am
hum
[You]
1:38am
but my dr is sending me to a specialist and they are in irving, bedford and ft worth
[Hershel Conner]
1:38am
we came back down threw wita falls 4 months ago
[You]
1:38am
i need to do some research on it to choose which one
its getting alot bigger
[Hershel Conner]
1:39am
bigger
Hershel is offline.1:39am
Hershel is online.1:39am
[Hershel Conner]
1:39am
what u talking aobut
[You]
1:39am
wichita
like th bigger highways we have
those are kinda new
[Hershel Conner]
1:40am
oh ok
we when to south datka to mount rush moreback the the summer
Hershel is offline.1:41am
Hershel is online.1:41am
[Hershel Conner]
1:41am
came back down that way
[You]
1:41am
you should of stopped by
lol
i laugh
hey
[Hershel Conner]
1:41am
i did you wanst home
[You]
1:41am
is your middle name woods or wood
ohh...sorry i missed ya
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:41am
first one
[You]
1:42am
you know what i always said
that your mom ran out of names to name you
im not trying to be mean
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:42am
no telling what
[You]
1:42am
i hope you get my humor
im very blunt of a person
i hurt peoples feelings all the time
[Hershel Conner]
1:42am
no actually that name was given to me by her father
[You]
1:42am
so im sorry if i do
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i see
[Hershel Conner]
1:43am
blanken ship
[You]
1:43am
what the heck is that?
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:44am
the last name of my mohters maiden name
grand ap blanken ship
[You]
1:44am
ohhh
man
i was lost
[Hershel Conner]
1:44am
i new u was
sleeping
[You]
1:45am
hey
[Hershel Conner]
1:45am
lolol
[You]
1:45am
i have been told on the phone, if i was blonde before
cause apparently im ditsy
but you know
my mom was so smart
she really was
i dont know nothin
okay....i didnt get any smart brains
i hate it
[Hershel Conner]
1:45am
what ever
[You]
1:45am
tho i love bookkeeping and photography
i own my business in photography
and i work at a private school that i graduated from for the past 7 years
[Hershel Conner]
1:46am
ya make fun of your self do it lolol
[You]
1:46am
and i work at lane bryant one day aweek
i do
im fat, i know it
lol
im dumb
im clueless
its okay
:):)
i cant admit to it
so i dont have a problem
lol like the addicts do
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:47am
ok
[You]
1:47am
they cant admit they have a problem
its supposed to be funny
man, im not getting thru here
lol
is it your bedtime?
[Hershel Conner]
1:47am
yeap
wife ben in bed at 11
[You]
1:47am
so what you doing up?
[Hershel Conner]
1:47am
its friday
[You]
1:48am
yall should be out partying the night away right?
[Hershel Conner]
1:48am
dont work till next wednesday monin 7am
[You]
1:48am
you like having those hours?
[Hershel Conner]
1:48am
dont party that must no more
[You]
1:48am
how long are your hours in a day?
that you work
[Hershel Conner]
1:48am
just go out to a few things aobut it
12
[You]
1:49am
what do you do?
[Hershel Conner]
1:49am
3 12 one 6
3 days 12 hours and a half day 6 hours
plant down this weekend and monday mlk day
least i can
i recive in trucks and matrrials
on the shipping and reciving side
[You]
1:50am
ohhh ok
[Hershel Conner]
1:50am
mostlly drive a fork lift
[You]
1:50am
sounds like fun
[Hershel Conner]
1:50am
11 years of fun
[You]
1:51am
you should be the boss by now
[Hershel Conner]
1:51am
30 more to go
[You]
1:51am
30?
[Hershel Conner]
1:51am
im not lolol
[You]
1:51am
your going to retire at 80?
but i guess with obama, you probably will
[Hershel Conner]
1:51am
house payed for then
[You]
1:51am
my house will be paid for when im 40
yay! :(:(
man ill be old
[Hershel Conner]
1:52am
not really
[You]
1:52am
yes
i will
hello
[Hershel Conner]
1:52am
40
[You]
1:52am
in 5 years ill be 30
[Hershel Conner]
1:52am
ya right
your making me sopund old
[You]
1:52am
hey
when is my bday
dont cheat either
Hershel is offline.1:53am
Hershel is online.1:53am
[Hershel Conner]
1:53am
will i was thinking it was on the 3rd but was told by laura its the 4th
[You]
1:53am
she had to go and tell you
man
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:53am
ok the 3rd
[You]
1:53am
no
the 4th
just think
[Hershel Conner]
1:53am
i guessed
[You]
1:53am
10-4 like truck drivers say
see, now you will never forget
[Hershel Conner]
1:54am
wow
nope havent yet
[You]
1:54am
whats my first name
[Hershel Conner]
1:54am
joy
[You]
1:54am
i just want to know how much you know about me
awww
you knew
how sweet
awww, im proud of you
:):)
lol
i have no clue what you know about me
[Hershel Conner]
1:54am
still got your pixs on the wall
[You]
1:54am
shut up
no you dont
[Hershel Conner]
1:55am
yes i do
[You]
1:55am
which ones?
do you think im yours?
[Hershel Conner]
1:55am
only one
your in a dress
dance dress
[You]
1:55am
hmm...
[Hershel Conner]
1:56am
purple
[You]
1:56am
your going to have to upload it
when you do your other pics
i wanna see
i dont remember me in a purple dress
[Hershel Conner]
1:56am
ok
[You]
1:56am
i was a rough lookin kid
my mom did not style me
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:56am
u may not have one i do tho
[You]
1:56am
you have what?
[Hershel Conner]
1:56am
that pix
[You]
1:57am
ohh
ok
so do you think im yours?
i mean, is that even a question
[Hershel Conner]
1:57am
do u
[You]
1:57am
?
i have no clue
i wasnt there
LOL
my mom said your my daddy-o
[Hershel Conner]
1:57am
i havent ben there either
[You]
1:57am
so i can only go off of that
i really never thought about it
[Hershel Conner]
1:57am
ok
[You]
1:58am
do you feel uncomfrtable?
with what im asking you
?
[Hershel Conner]
1:58am
no why
[You]
1:58am
oh, cause i feel like your avoiding the question
[Hershel Conner]
1:58am
lolol
[You]
1:58am
dont laugh
lol
its trie
true*
[Hershel Conner]
1:58am
maybe your doin it in a joking matter
[You]
1:58am
we can go on maury and do a dna test
lol
see
[Hershel Conner]
1:59am
what ever
[You]
1:59am
thats my problem, i mix my emotions
people dont know when im serious and when im joking
lol
oopsie
[Hershel Conner]
1:59am
ill sent you a pice of my hair
[You]
1:59am
my dr told me that i have ADD
lol
lol
i dont want that
they will do a mouth swab
duh
lol
[Hershel Conner]
1:59am
thats all
[You]
2:00am
so i do wanna know
do you?
if you say no, my feelings wont get hurt
[Hershel Conner]
2:00am
i never thold that must aobut it
[You]
2:00am
you dont think much do you? lol
thats all i ever do
[Hershel Conner]
2:01am
i think its ever one else that more concerned about it
[You]
2:01am
my dr even told me that it must be hard being me, with everything that i think about
i just dont think my mom would lie to me about it
that would be kinda horrible
she wass the best mom i could ever ask for
she gave and done everything for me
i was her life
[Hershel Conner]
2:02am
yeap thats what she had told me
years ago
[You]
2:02am
what she tell you?
[Hershel Conner]
2:02am
question
[You]
2:02am
that i was her life
?
shoot
[Hershel Conner]
2:02am
do u rember calling me around june are jully 1990
[You]
2:03am
lol
and i told you to go to hell?
wait that was on my bday
[Hershel Conner]
2:03am
thats not nice
[You]
2:03am
what?
my mom said i said that
i dont rememeber saying that
i remember calling you when we moved to wichita
and i remember you didnt care to speak to me, like you had other things you wanted to do
but why you ask?
[Hershel Conner]
2:04am
well i guess thats not how i rember it at all
[You]
2:04am
im talking about the one when we moved to wichita
we moved to wichita after 91
when my gma died
i was 4
in 1990
in june july
what did i say?
i remember going to your house
and you were making out wiht someone
and you had big tall trees in your backyard
and i can rememeber your smell
[Hershel Conner]
2:05am
yeap was the last and only time iv heard from you
[You]
2:05am
i smell it ever once in awhile
every few years
i still have that doll you gave me
alf?
is your refregierator runng, you better go catch it
lol it says stupid stuff like that
[Hershel Conner]
2:06am
no thats when i lived in marlin
[You]
2:06am
i have no clue
i was young
im just telling you what i remember
i have a pic of you
somewhere
i have apic of your mom and dad
[Hershel Conner]
2:07am
you called and i didnt no who it was and i hung up
[You]
2:07am
your mom looked like mary in the pic
oh, well thanks for hanging up on your daughter
man
lol
[Hershel Conner]
2:08am
and then u called back
[You]
2:08am
and then?
[Hershel Conner]
2:08am
and asked me if i was hershel
[You]
2:08am
i dont remember any of it
[Hershel Conner]
2:08am
you saids this is your daughter rachel
[You]
2:08am
my momma would of had to call or dial the phone
[Hershel Conner]
2:09am
and the first thing i asked was does your mom no your on the phone
Hershel is offline.2:09am
Hershel is online.2:09am
[Hershel Conner]
2:09am
and u said yes she was the one who dialed it
[You]
2:10am
lol
my mom always told me...
Hershel is offline.2:10am
Hershel is online.2:10am
[Hershel Conner]
2:10am
didnt really have must to say
just asked you a few questions like
youve ben swimming and thatwas about it
[You]
2:11am
she said...if you want to have a reltionship with your dad, i dont care...im not going to keep you away from him
[Hershel Conner]
2:11am
well that was the last time iv seen are heared from u
[You]
2:11am
well, someone told me, you didnt want to be in my life and didnt want a kid, so i stayed away
i accepted it
[Hershel Conner]
2:12am
i seen that worked ha
[You]
2:12am
i always thought you were missing out, not me
[Hershel Conner]
2:12am
some one ha
ok big bird eee
what ever
ever one always thinking
[You]
2:13am
who, your family?
[Hershel Conner]
2:13am
brother asked me if i heared from u
[You]
2:13am
my mom always told me, someone named michael would always call and check on me
i dont know who that is
Hershel is offline.2:14am
Hershel is online.2:14am
[You]
2:14am
laura said, everyone knew who i was
[Hershel Conner]
2:14am
i just said no and left it at that he always looking wild
[You]
2:14am
thats what laura said
lol
[Hershel Conner]
2:14am
yeap
[You]
2:14am
whos michael?
[Hershel Conner]
2:14am
micheal is my nephew
[You]
2:15am
how old is he?
[Hershel Conner]
2:15am
lives in roivista by clburne
about 45
[You]
2:15am
why would he check on me?
maybe thats not the right name
[Hershel Conner]
2:15am
i give up why
[You]
2:15am
why do you do that
you turn questions around
lol
Hershel is offline.2:16am
Hershel is online.2:16am
[Hershel Conner]
2:16am
i guess if i ever see him im asked him
hes always on line i guess
[You]
2:16am
but i dont know if its him...i just thought that was the name i rememebered
no this was a long time ago
like when i was young
[Hershel Conner]
2:16am
hes on face book
becasue i dont no all the anwers
[You]
2:17am
like i said, maybe i got the wrong name
[Hershel Conner]
2:17am
i dont no
[You]
2:17am
i thought she said a brother called her
i dont know
[Hershel Conner]
2:17am
my brother
[You]
2:17am
yeah
[Hershel Conner]
2:17am
i cant pix it but he would
[You]
2:17am
a brother
Hershel is offline.2:18am
Hershel is online.2:18am
[Hershel Conner]
2:18am
hes got 7 kids and about 20 grand kids
[You]
2:18am
oh man
thats to many
[Hershel Conner]
2:18am
till him that
and my nephew
hes got 5
[You]
2:19am
my husband and I have been trying
i guess i have problems
[Hershel Conner]
2:19am
how many u got lolol
[You]
2:19am
3 in heaven
we were pregnant with twins
[Hershel Conner]
2:19am
wow
[You]
2:19am
i miscarried one at 6 weeks and the other at 13 weeks
then this summer i had an ectopic
an ectopic pregnancy
i got cancer when i was 19
i dont know if that has naything to do with it or not
[Hershel Conner]
2:21am
never no
[You]
2:21am
were hoping to go to a specialist down in the metroplex soon
who knows
[Hershel Conner]
2:22am
well i guess ill let u go to bed nice chating with ya ok latters
Hershel is offline.2:22am
[You]
2:22am
goodnight

Whats been going on with me pt 2 (READ LAST)

If you are reading this STOP....read Part 1 first!!!!

I got a friends request.....it was a name that I knew all too well. A name that I looked up, researched, and tried to find for many years. I found my cousins, aunts, uncles, but never my dad. I have friends on facebook and even talk to an aunt of mine. I noticed after we started talking, my dad had a facebook. I asked my aunt if that was him and she said, she wasn't sure because she sent a request, but he hadn't answered it. Probably a few months went by and then I realized that he had 3 of my friends on there, because at the bottom of my phone, it asked me if I want to be friends with this person. So I knew it was him if my aunts and cousins were friends with him. He had no picture....then...I noticed not to long ago, he had 2 pictures. So I knew he was getting on more. My aunt talked to me one night and asked me if I would send him a friends request and I told her I wouldn't. I told her that I want him to make the move if he wants to be in my life. He is the parent, and he is the one that didn't want to be in my life, so he can take that step if he wants to get to know me. She then asked me, if I would get to know him if he approached me. I said sure. I will give someone a chance. I believe people change. I know people make mistakes and they grow up and change and want to make things different and better. I know it must of been scary for him to send it and I think now, what he was actually thinking. He knows, I must look at him a certain way for him to not be in my life for so long. I don't know if he feels guilty, or a failure, or shoot, he might just want to see my pictures since my page is set to private. I asked my friend....what if I accept him and he never speaks to me? How weird would that be? I don't know him...I don't love him...hes a stranger to me. I think deep down, I love him, cause hes half of me, but I don't know this man. As much as I want a baby, I want to see my child and I want to see half of me and half of Mark. I only seen my mom in me and never him. Then I look at him and I don't see anything, but then my aunt said I look like her youngest daughter. I go look her up and bam.....it was scary.

I will try and keep you updated better as things go on with me and everything else. We are going through alot and it all started in 2011. I wonder what this year will bring us, maybe closer together. Maybe my puzzle pieces in life were meant to all be put together slowly but surely. Maybe things need to be put together before we have our own family. I don't know, but I'm taking it ONE DAY AT TIME.....I'm living in the moment!!!!



This is some of my dads brothers and sisters....the women standing up in the middle is my aunt that I talk too....the guy in the coca-cola shirt is my dad. The next pictures are my cousin....we do look alot alike and have the same kind of profile. Its scary, but I guess I'm learning who half of me came from.

Whats been going on with me pt 1

Friday:I last posted that we will be going to counseling. I think just in the first meeting, we got alot of things straight. Our relationship has been so much better. But we had started off kinda at 75% into everything. So real quick, I had to go back from 1%....my early childhood. I needed to tell her everything that I had gone through, with me as a kid, my mom dieing when I was 16, me getting cancer at 19, losing our babies and then trying for so long. She then agreed to meet with me by myself the next time, which is actually later today. I think its a good thing. I need to get things off my chest....I need to help me with my anger and controlling. When I say anger, I can just snap if I don't get my way. I don't like that. And I guess the controlling goes with it too. I like for things to go my way. Its my way or no way, and I know I cant do that anymore. I know I took and took from our relationship and Mark blames himself for letting it happen so long. But I want to change...and I'm doing that :)

Saturday: I had to work Saturday at Lane Bryant. My actual like full day learning everything. I was overwhelmed. I am so used to my job. I know everything about my job and I teach other people how to do things and for it to be reversed....I didn't like it. But I'm learning and catching on. It was a long day and my feet killed me. I'm not used to standing on my feet for so long and it didn't help that my shoes made me have blisters. At one point, Mark had to bring me some different shoes. After that, I hurried to Applebees where I met Mark and a few friends for Dinner and Drinks to celebrate Marks birthday. We then went to a local club/Bar. It was so packed that you had to stand outside to wait to go in cause the capacity was too much. Its just not my kind of environment, but I tried to not complain, cause apparently Mark wanted to go.

Sunday: We wanted to go to church, but since we stayed out so long, we didn't go. I didn't even take my grandpa, but its a good thing, cause apparently he has some accidents, lol. I guess his stomach was upset.

Monday: It was bad weather. It was supposed to have freezing roads and it was so cold that night, that we canceled our school board meeting which I was happy about.

Tuesday-Wednesday: Boring days at work. Went to Zumba on Tuesday with my friend Rebecca and then we did Power Sculpt. That was hard and I'm too fat for it. Maybe if I lose some weight in Zumba, I can do that class better, lol. Also on Wednesday, Mark came down with a stomach bug, so he went to work late.

Thursday: Mark came home earlier than usual, I guess cause he didn't feel good. My worked was horrible that day. I got in an argument with my boss. I told her she was delusional. Because, she is, lol. We had the health inspector come to the school. It so happens that he goes to most of the people at the schools church, so they know him. I was around him for awhile while he talked about what we need to do to change, but I had to attend to kids and the phone so I left alot while my boss and a school board member talked to him. Anyways...to make it short....we arnt supposed to serve frozen foods unless we have a mop sink. A mop sink is supposed to cost around 1000.00 to install it with pipes and drain. Our school don't have that kind of money laying around. So our next option will be to stop selling frozen foods and sell just shelf bought stuff like Ramon Noodles and Mac & cheese and chips and stuff like that. I hadn't gone to Sam's in some time to get food, so we were like bone dry. I told the teachers that I was going to Sam's on Tuesday, cause we were going to have a meeting on Monday and talk about what we want to do about the food. Well my boss went to Sam's last night, cause some parent complained and spent so much money on food. So while we were putting it all up today, I asked her...Do you think we are doing the right thing by selling frozen foods when he said not too? She said, I think we are doing the right thing by helping the kids have food to eat. I said, but the Bible says to follow the rules of the land. I really worry about my boss. I don't know whats wrong with her and why and how she looks at things. Alot of things she talks about doesn't follow God. I then told her, if he comes in, I'm not going to lie about the food. She then gets all upset and is like, I never asked you too, I would expect you too. Then I go to the office, cause I was done. She comes in and is like, why do you make sound like the bad guy? I told her, because you bend the truth alot, (which she does). I don't know what to do. But anyways...later on that day we got into it way deeper and names and stuff were being called. Later on in the afternoon, during painting time, the guy came back and said everything that I had said. I was right!!! She was wrong!! I'm not trying to sit here and say ohhh Rachel is right. In our discussion, she said....I GET TIRED OF PEOPLE COMING IN HALF OF THE CONVERSATIONS, AND THEN Y'ALL JUST MAKE IT HOWEVER YOU WANT.....ME AND MR TAYLOR (school board member) WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME AND WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING. lol....she was wrong, so apparently, she didn't get it or wasn't listening or something. I know Monday in the meeting it should be interesting. Us staff are just tired of her and how she does things. She doesn't approach things the right way. We wish she would just not come sometimes as sad as that seems.

Thursday Dr appointment: I left a little early at work to go to my GYN appointment. Mark woke up still feeling sick so he didn't go to work and didn't go with me. I was for some reason really nervous. I don't get nervous at Dr's appointments. My blood pressure was even 120/80 and that's not like me. Anyways, he came in and told me....What are we going to do? I said, Give up, lol. He said no. He said, he thinks its time to see a specialist and that's really what I was going there for. I agreed. He told me he wasn't going to charge me for my appointment and that he will get the information for me and I can pick who I want and I can call them that I didn't need a referral. He said, He wasn't going to check my hormone imbalance, that the specialist would. He leaves to grab me some information and the nurse comes in and gives it to me. I go by and talk to him and I looked at the different names and noticed that there was none here in my city. He said, we don't have a specialist here. I was like great!!! So if we are going to go, we need to go to a bigger city, like Ft Worth/Dallas to see someone. Our vehicles are really good right now to travel and on top of that, we need to find a time to both go when we are off. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm going to pray about it and see what happens.

Thursday Night: I was supposed to go to Zumba, but I didn't. I was just so tired. Mark wakes me up and asks me if I wanted to go with him to Walgreen's so he could get some medicine. I got up and went....then went and got something to eat and came home. I wasn't on the computer, so I just looked on my phone to see if anyone wrote me in facebook. Right then and there was a friend invite.......

Advice from a friend

Don't fall into that spoiled only child thing. Become each other's world, 'cuz when it's all said and done, most friends eventually fade away and elder family eventually passes, younger family become involved in their own lives. When it is our time to leave this Earth it will probably be with our spouses by our sides...if we play our hands right. What I'm saying is, you two are supposed to be one. You are each other's family first and foremost and always should be.

Trying

I called a counselor today and we have an appointment on Friday. I hope this helps us and I hope we can resolve our issues. I never in a hundred years would of thought that I would struggle to try and get pregnant and at almost 4 years of marriage be going to counseling. I look at it sometimes as a failure, but then I think....we all are human. As long as we both are trying in this marriage, I cant complain. Though as I sit here and Marks at work, I get scared. I cant talk to him or hug him. I get scared to think back the way he used to look at me and now he don't look at me like that. I know hes trying and he wants too, but its hard. I haven't been the best wife. I have took more than I have gave in this relationship. I want to change and make it 50/50. I want to submit to my husband and I want him to look at me with love in his eyes.

We have been getting along and both helping each other. I have been clinging to him alot and telling him I love him all the time. I do love him. I think deep down, I always knew he was going to be here and love me and never cheat on me. I even told people, I would cheat on him, before he would cheat on me, because that's how much I knew he loved me. Don't get me wrong by that saying, I would never cheat, I just said it, cause I trust him. But now I think....what if he has eyes for someone else, cause I was just a bitch to him all the time. I mean, I can understand someone turning to someone else, because they don't feel respected. He promises up and down, there is no one, an he has no signs of cheating. But hes told me, he doesn't want to leave. He wants this to work. He tells me he loves me and that hes just tired of fighting all the time.

I hope this counseling gives us some chores to work on. Maybe less TV, phone, Internet, games, and more of us time. I like to do stuff with him, but its just getting into the same stuff all the time.

I want to know....when you kiss someone, are you supposed to feel something? I think now...a kiss is a kiss to me. I only kiss the people I love. My mom, gpa, husband. I read that there has to be love behind it and there is when I kiss him. I'm not sure what hes wanting, needing, searching for when he kisses me.

Oh blog readers, I never thought that I would be sitting here typing these things. I know we had our problems, but I never thought they were this serious. Its hard to have a husband who doesn't express how he feels till its really deep.

I want God to be number one in our life. I want us to seek him in our relationship. I want to pray more together.

Please keeps us in your prayers!

Scary

To start off the New Years with a blog like this, is kinda scary. Mark and I had another fight, and it didn't end good. I mean, hes still here, but he told me more about how he felt. He said he doesn't feel connected to me anymore. That there is no spark. That when we kiss....its nothing. I have said that before too about our kisses. But then there are times, that I kiss him and just love it.

We both admit that God is not our focus lately, especially in our marriage. We have a routine of things and we both have strayed. We are trying our hardest, or at least I am, to go back to how it was. I don't believe in divorce whatsoever, but I know its hard to be with someone, that you don't feel connected too.

I on the other hand love him with my whole heart. He is the best husband I could ask for. He does anything and everything for me and I know I have taken that for granted. He told me, hes lost himself somewhere. Its true...we have been together for so long, and right after high school, he moved up here and we've been together ever since. I don't regret that part, but at the same time, I can see, that maybe as a man, he would of liked to stand on his own feet and learn things. But we cant go back in time.

It really hurts me, and it scares me sooo much, to think he wont ever feel the same way again. I told him, maybe he just needs to go to San Antonio a few days and spend some time with his family, away, without me. I think all of us, sometimes need to just get away from things and revamp. He tells me, that he looks in the mirror and don't know who he is. I asked him, what does he need to do to figure that out and he told me he didn't know.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this. I feel like a failure....but we need prayers. We talked about how for the past 2 years, all of our focus has been on baby making. Well, right now we are putting that down and out. I'm going to call and cancel my appointment for my Gyn and instead call for counseling. Theres no point in putting stress on stress when we clearly need to focus just on us right now.

If anyone has any ideas or advice, I could really use it right now. Does anyone know if this is normal? I know every couple has the good and bad moments. I just don't want him to lose hope on us.