Ups and Downs Part 1

I haven't posted in awhile. I'm still trying to sink in everything that my life has brought to me. With my dad reaching out to me, to Mark and I questioning our relationship, to me with 3 jobs and trying to find time for everything else.

I haven't spoken to my dad in about 2 weeks. Its okay though, because I don't get on much anymore, because I'm so busy and tired, so I'm not sure if hes even been on. I did wish him a Happy Birthday on Tuesday, as he was turning the big 5-0. I still hope to talk to him and get to know him, but I guess only time will tell.

Mark told me the other day, he is still in love with me, as he has questioned that the past few months. He knows he loves me, but of course you can love anyone really, but being IN love is another story. Monday was hard. I cried my eyes out. I cried so much that the next day when I went to work, a student came up to me and asked me if I was okay. I said, yes, why? She said, because it looks like you have been crying. Mind you, I haven't cried since the night before, so you know how bad that must of been. Tuesday, we still were having it rough, so I went out to Madel's and bought us 2 books. One is called, "I don't love you anymore" and the other is called " I don't want a divorce". That book is a 90 day guide to saving your marriage. I also went and bought Fireproof the movie. We had seen it a couple of years ago, when we were trying hard for a baby, but haven't since. I knew it would be good for us to watch it. The I don't want a divorce book, recommended us getting a couples devotional to do. So Thursday we went and got one and its called Night Light. Its a 6 month one, so we are just doing a couple a night, which is good.

Friday, was a bad day for us. I went to my usual therapy sessions, which that's another blog, and I came home refreshed. I come home to find him mad the whole day, with whatever I did, it was wrong. I was scared to say anything, because I knew he would jump down my throat. Later that night, he got all mad and started filing his taxes by himself. I asked him what he was doing, and asked him, why cant we file them together? He started accusing me, of being too slow and not getting my paperwork and business information together fast enough, which I had been working on. He got all mad and stormed out of the house. I can honestly say, I didn't do anything wrong. I tried to do everything that I have been learning in my therapy sessions. He is fighting a demon that has a hold of him. Its not me anymore, its him. He is in this rut, and he is not leaning on the Lord. I know the devil is telling him that he is not in love with me anymore. I think if you really knew us and seen us, we are in love. He is in love with me. Everyone tells us, we are meant to be and we just click. Hes been pulling away alot and fast lately and I don't know why.

But to get to the part, he calls me and tells me hes fine after he leaves. I said okay, and he tells me he just needs some time to himself. I totally can understand that and I let him have his space. I cry, talk to my grandpa, we pray and then I go and start watching the Fireproof movie. It calms me down and then Mark texts me and tells me I love you Joy Rachel. I text him back, that I love him too. He was gone for a good couple of hours, but when he returned he brought me back dinner and tells me, all he did was drive around, got gas and talked to his mom. I wasn't going to ask...I know hes not cheating on me. I know he calls his mom when we get like this, because he wants answers. I'm not sure what he tells her, but when he comes back, hes more calm, so I'm not going to complain.

We eat and then we go do our devotional. I ask him afterwards if he wants to watch the movie with me and we do. We are loving and a couple again. He gives me the love that I have been needing. In the movie, theres a part and the man tells the main actor....Your heart can be deceived. That was so Mark. He doesn't understand why things arnt like how they are. He doesn't understand why he doesn't love me like he used too. Hes confused and I know its all the devil. The Lord doesn't do that. The Lord wants us to be a strong, God driven couple, and the Devil is putting his foot in the door, when Mark needs to shut it. I know my husband is saved and I know that he loves the Lord. But I know my husband is weak. I want him to build a strong relationship in the Lord.

I know deep down, we are going to be okay. We are going through some hard times, and I know its normal. All the books are describing us and so I know that couples go through this and more harder situations. We have gone through more than most couples have together with my mom dieing, me having cancer and with us losing 3 precious babies. We can defeat this...we can get through this...why? because we have God on our side!!