Trying

I called a counselor today and we have an appointment on Friday. I hope this helps us and I hope we can resolve our issues. I never in a hundred years would of thought that I would struggle to try and get pregnant and at almost 4 years of marriage be going to counseling. I look at it sometimes as a failure, but then I think....we all are human. As long as we both are trying in this marriage, I cant complain. Though as I sit here and Marks at work, I get scared. I cant talk to him or hug him. I get scared to think back the way he used to look at me and now he don't look at me like that. I know hes trying and he wants too, but its hard. I haven't been the best wife. I have took more than I have gave in this relationship. I want to change and make it 50/50. I want to submit to my husband and I want him to look at me with love in his eyes.

We have been getting along and both helping each other. I have been clinging to him alot and telling him I love him all the time. I do love him. I think deep down, I always knew he was going to be here and love me and never cheat on me. I even told people, I would cheat on him, before he would cheat on me, because that's how much I knew he loved me. Don't get me wrong by that saying, I would never cheat, I just said it, cause I trust him. But now I think....what if he has eyes for someone else, cause I was just a bitch to him all the time. I mean, I can understand someone turning to someone else, because they don't feel respected. He promises up and down, there is no one, an he has no signs of cheating. But hes told me, he doesn't want to leave. He wants this to work. He tells me he loves me and that hes just tired of fighting all the time.

I hope this counseling gives us some chores to work on. Maybe less TV, phone, Internet, games, and more of us time. I like to do stuff with him, but its just getting into the same stuff all the time.

I want to know....when you kiss someone, are you supposed to feel something? I think now...a kiss is a kiss to me. I only kiss the people I love. My mom, gpa, husband. I read that there has to be love behind it and there is when I kiss him. I'm not sure what hes wanting, needing, searching for when he kisses me.

Oh blog readers, I never thought that I would be sitting here typing these things. I know we had our problems, but I never thought they were this serious. Its hard to have a husband who doesn't express how he feels till its really deep.

I want God to be number one in our life. I want us to seek him in our relationship. I want to pray more together.

Please keeps us in your prayers!