TTC

I wrote a month or so ago, that I'm done trying. I was done....in my head, I was just tired of it, and frustrated. The thing is....my Dr put me on clomid. I didn't stop taking them. I'm the type of person that goes by the rules and when I don't, I get punished, lol. I'm not sure, but I have always been that way. I kept taking them, and me and husband still BD'ed. Well....I'm going on my 4th round of clomid and still not pregnant, so I called my Dr up and asked him if I could up the dose. I am now taking 100mg of clomid. I don't know if this will work or not, but I have read that actually some women doesn't respond to 50mg at all, and then when they upped the dose it worked!!! If it works or not, I still leave it in Gods hands. Mark and I have prayed about continuing with clomid and we both have felt like I should. NOW................................that it is summer......hopefully we can BD like we WERE SUPPOSED TOO, lol. There is a way you are suppose to BD on clomid and since our hours were way off, it was really impossible. I am going to try and make this work this month and we shall see. Who knows....this might be a March 1st baby, or we will move on to the next month. I do want to say this......if I'm not pregnant this month...I most likely will go to the Dr and try for a IUI. I don't want to be doing all this when school is in session. I think it would just be easier if I did this, this summer. But if its not Gods will, then I think I will just stop doing everything and shoot myself.....I'm just kidding, lol......its all in Gods hands!!!!! I will leave it at that. Before I do anything, or we.....we pray about it....to see if its the right thing to do. Each and every step we have done to try and make a baby, we have prayed as a couple, as children of God, and as a future mother and father. We want what God intends and what God has planned.....but you never know why I am going through this and what God is trying to teach me. Maybe what I'm going through, I can help someone later in life, or here and now. I just hope at the end of all this.....SOON!!!!..... I will get to carry, hold, love, and raise a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby!!!!

Mark Jr

Here's my beautiful baby. Two years ago on May 29, 2008, I delivered my baby boy at home. All day I was having like mild cramping and about 9pm that night, I knew something wasn't right. I kept feeling like I was going to bleed, so I called my Dr and he told me to just lay down and relax, because I was under extreme stress at the time. Sure enough, I went to the bathroom and there was blood. It all seemed to go downhill from there. I started having contractions, mostly in my back and then I went to the bathroom again, and while I was walking back.....my water broke. All the pain seemed to go away and then I laid down....for about 2 minutes when I started pouring with blood. It wouldn't stop. I knew what was happening because it was kinda the same as when we lost our other baby at 6 weeks. I was more scared than anything at the moment cause I wasn't sure what I should do.

I ended up having my perfect little angel at home and had to scoop him out of the toilet. I didn't know if I delivered him or not, because there was so much clotting. I did, and when I saw him....I smiled. I loved this baby so much, more than I could ever know, and yet it was such a sad time. He looked just like his father to me. He had his nose and his ankles, and I knew then and there his name would be Mark Jr. I never got to see my first baby, but we feel in our hearts that he was a boy. He was called an invisible twin. Let me go back....

When I started bleeding at 6 weeks, they did an intro-ultrasound and saw one sac. But when I miscarried a few days later, I knew that I miscarried and everything that I did or told them, said it sounded like a miscarriage. So when I went to the Dr, the next day, he wanted to go in and look and make sure I passed everything. He did tell me....you never know.....so they went in again and there he was....Mark Jr....beautiful and even bigger than before with his heart beating. I started to cry. Here he was perfect, and I was so heartbroken, and for it to change so quickly was a miracle. Mark even cried. The Dr, said, the other one must of been an invisible twin or a vanishing twin. I left praising and thanking the Lord. I took care of myself and my little baby and was so grateful from then on out.

Then when May 29th happen, I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I felt like I lost my babies and then to be happy I still had one, to losing that one again. I know alot of women have gone through more tragedy than that, but this was me and my babies.

I prayed and prayed to God for me not to fall in a depression. I could feel it. I could feel the pain and loss that I had experienced and I just knew that I was going to get pregnant again. I had studied about miscarriage and how most women are fertile the next 3 months afterwards. So I was on a mission.....to get pregnant. I did listen to the Dr, and he recommended me wait a period to start trying again....so I did.

I got on this site, called cafemom.com and met these amazing married Christian women who were the same age as me, and have experienced what I did. We were on a mission to get pregnant and have our babies together. Well....it didn't happen as planned. I mean, the wonderful ladies have all healthy beautiful baby boys, and I'm still trying. It was really hard at first, to have one after another get pregnant, and nothing was happening for me. Its actually easier now that their all done with their pregnancies. I love looking at the photos and how big they are getting. I do wonder, who's going to get pregnant next...not necessarily these women, but women around me. I would be happy for them, but wonder why its so hard for me. I'm going to stop this here and continue on a different page....

Redo Bedroom

I had redone my bedroom after I graduated 7 years ago. I did it, to me, as a more grown up room, because i had posters of all the boy bands all over my walls and I didn't put any back up. I felt like it was elegant. Now since I'm married and 7 years later, I'm tired of it. I want to redo it, and I'm really not sure what i want to do for sure. I have to visualize it before i can do anything. I'm thinking about brown and like a turquoise blue and I thought if i ever get tired of the blue, i can add a different color to change it out. I really do love me some black and white, but I'm kinda over that too. This is something that i need to start collecting and visualize before i do it. But here are some pictures that I like.

I think about Mark. I don't want him to have this girly room, but i still want it to be romantic and kind of sexy for him.

Something I need to do more and more

On this day of your life, Rachel, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go.

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

My grandpa

My grandpa is getting a colonoscopy done at 7am today. I'm a little worried, cause we went to the Dr and he was like...you should of had one 2 years ago. My grandpa had colon cancer in 2007 around my wedding date. We always went to the surgeon every 6 months since then and he always checked my grandpa and now he sent us to the Dr who did it, and he gets upset. So now that has me worried. What if something came back??? Its so scary. My grandpa is the only parent I have left and I don't know what I would do if something was to happen to him. I feel like the past 6 months to a year, things have gotten hard for him, and hes kind of just given up. I mean I cant say given up, but his knees have been bothering him, and it hurts when he walks. Also he gets gout alot in alot of places, and it really hurts him to do anything when it flares up. We have gotten him medicine and even a preventable medicine and still it keeps coming back. He has even cut almost everything out of his food. He only eats chicken, no other meat....he cant eat beans, pickles, coleslaw, anything pork. I mean, he gets mad when he cant have simple things like a hamburger or even beans. Like I said though, I love him so much and he helps my husband and I out so much too with bills, that if something was to happen to him, I don't know what I would do. We might have to go bankrupt or something. But other than that, he has such a great Christian man....He has a heart of gold and is so sweet. I feel so blessed to have him as my grandpa. I am so glad God gave me him and I feel so bad when I get mad at him and is rude, but I think alot of times he can do stuff, but he just don't want too. I don't want him to just sit there and deteriate. Hes 80 and I want him to be here another 40 years :) I love you grandpa, and I hope and pray everything is okay tomorrow!!!

I Would Die For That

I would die for that

Miscarriage

I was trying to sleep all night last night and my back was killing me. Mark finally got home this morning and told me I should lay in the nursery. Our bed is soft and a memory foam and in the nursery is a futon which is a mattress, not the big ole pad type thing, and its firmer. So I did go in there and laid down and I fell asleep and slept wonderful.

I woke up and that room just reminds me of when I miscarried. I had slept in there every night that summer, 2 summers ago, and I was thinking about my baby. I had slept in that room, because Mark had to go to work the next day, and I liked staying up all night, so I just hung out in there till I went to sleep. But laying there this morning, I was thinking about miscarrying that summer. I remember feeling like I failed. I was thinking how I had to tell everyone and I remember everyone being so excited for me, and yet, I had to tell them, I lost my baby. I feel like I failed as a woman....why couldn't I hold my baby in my belly? I feel like I hurt my baby, but I didn't. I nurtured and kept my baby safe. Also, why 2 years later on the 29th, and I'm still not pregnant?

I turn all this up to God.....I'm at peace with it, but I do still wonder why?
Why did I get pregnant, if I wasn't supposed to have a baby then?
Why does my heart desire for a baby soooo bad?
What is God waiting on me to do or for what?

These are questions that go through my mind for the past 2 years. I know they are normal questions, but I really don't understand what he is waiting on. Like I have said though....I have been praying for this desire to go away, until He is ready for me to have a baby. I felt at peace, and still do, but I know he didn't take it all away. Maybe He wants me to learn to be patient? or to appreciate what He gives me when I finally do get it? Maybe hes teaching me how to grow into a understanding woman/mother?

I have to say, I have worked at that school for 6 years. I did not like the little kids, and they drove me crazy. Their whining and they are smart-elec, and I always told myself, my kids wont act that way. This year was different. I cared about their boo-boos and I loved giving them hugs this year. My heart changed, and I think everyone that I worked with, saw it. I think, maybe, God is preparing me for something amazing. Just this waiting game is kinda difficult. I have watched many women, who wanted babies, and who didn't, get pregnant over the past 2 years, and I see God working in some of their lives, and some of the women, know when they have it, they are giving it up. I always wonder about those.....if only God would of given me that child, I would keep and raise the baby to worship and praise HIM.

But that's not what happened. Instead, I pray and watch them. I'm okay.....God has blessed me with alot of wonderful things....with a wonderful husband....with a wonderful g-pa. I was thinking this for this summer....I am blessed to not have to work....I know God is going to take care of all my needs, because I am doing His will......Alot of people cant do that.

But I have faith in God. I trust in Him.....I know that he will love us, bless us, and take care of us. We pray in HIS TIME, we will have a baby!!!!!

I love you God...you are just awesome and I praise you in Your Name!!!

Mothers Day

"The Busiest Day In Heaven"


It's the busiest day in Heaven

I'm planning a big surprise

To let you know I love you

And that no one ever dies



Even though your down below

And I am up above

I'm sending you my wishes

And all my angel love



It's really quite exciting

To plan this big event

For lots of gifts will come your way

And all are Heaven sent



First I'll take a bubble bath-

My splashes might cause some rain

But knowing all the fun I'm having

Will help to ease your pain



Next I'll get some pictures

In my halo and gown

So when you get to Heaven

You can show me all around



I have color crayons in Heaven

And I will draw some stars so bright

And place them in the sky today

For you to see tonight



Then Jesus will have story time

And I will sit upon his lap

He'll tell me all about you

Just before I nap



I'll awake full of energy

And play a game or two

Before I finish sending

All my love to you



After snack I'll write a song

For all the birds to sing

And know I've made you happy

With all the joy it brings



At night time I'll be tired

But I'll still hold you tight

My arms will wrap around you

And keep you through the night



And when you finally slumber

I will kneel and pray

Asking God to bless you

On this special Mothers Day



Love,

Your Little Angel

People who steal?

The eighth commandment in the bible is ,"Thou Shalt Not Steal." So why do people do it??? That, and lieing is my pet-peeve. I know we are not perfect and we do things that are wrong and sinful, but these things really crawl under my skin. I found out today that a couple of kids from the school I work at, got busted from our local mall, stealing. They are now banned from our mall and banned from the store world-wide. One kid really was remorseful, the other acted like it was nothing. I can see how the one that was remorseful felt bad and learned her lesson, but I am worried about the other girl.

I stole one time. I was 6, my mom and I was at a convenient store and there was one of those sour salt packages, that was green and they were either 5 cents or 10 cents, and I asked my mom if I could get one, and she said no. Well she turned her back to leave and I took one. We got in the car and she asked me where I got it, and I told her he gave it to me. She asked me if I was lieing and asked me to tell her the truth. I told her I wasn't lieing, and she told me, "well, ok...but God will tell me if your lieing or not". I felt so bad and guilty that I gave it to my dog, lol. The next morning I woke up with this white bump on my tongue, and then she asked me if I lied, and I said, I did, and she said, well those are lieing bumps. Let me tell you.....I thought that to this day, that those bumps were lieng bumps, lol well actually a few years ago, when I asked someone, and they were like, NO, lol. But when I get one, I always try and think if I fibbed about something. I really try my hardest to not lie or bend the truth about ANYTHING. I have hurt peoples feelings because I'm dead honest. I don't like that about myself, but its true!!

I think I take things personal, maybe to heart, like if someone says....Oh, I'm never going to do ________, and they change their mind and do it....I'm like...but you said you wernt ever going to do it?! I know people have a right to change their opinion, but still. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess I try and figure people out and then they change their mind, I have to revamp everything. Maybe I just think to much, lol.

Also, about stealing.....I have this co-worker....lets say you go to a restaurant and they did your receipt wrong, they didn't charge you for your drink. She would tell me not to say anything, and to just pay it. Well, NO ONE is perfect and I know people make mistakes, but I need to tell her, because THAT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I always think what God would think of me. I know the right thing and I know God will bless me for being honest and truthful. But this is the same woman, who, I cant say "crap" in front of, cause its a "bad" word. WHAT?? I told her, "Now I CAN say the other word, if you want me too?", lol. I like to piss her off sometimes....lol...I find it humorous, just because shes far out there. I don't know how one can be one way, and then the other. I guess that just shows how we are all different and God is working in us different things and different lessons and different ways. I know I'm not perfect in any way. I have my flaws and my imperfections that I'm still working on.

Keratosis Pilaris

Keratosis pilaris (ker-uh-TO-sis pil-AIR-is) is a common skin condition that causes rough patches and small, acne-like bumps, usually on the arms and thighs. Though you may not like the sandpaper-like appearance of your skin, keratosis pilaris isn't serious and doesn't have long-term health implications.

Keratosis pilaris can be frustrating because it's difficult to treat. Prescription medications and self-care measures can improve the appearance of your skin.


Signs and symptoms of keratosis pilaris include:

■Small, acne-like bumps
■Painless, skin-colored bumps that can, at times, be red and inflamed
■Dry, rough patches
■In some cases, itchiness
Keratosis pilaris usually appears on the upper arms, legs or buttocks. But it can also appear on the face, where it closely resembles acne. The small size of the bumps and its association with dry, chapped skin distinguish keratosis pilaris from pustular acne. Unlike elsewhere on the body, keratosis pilaris on the face may leave small scars.

Though quite common with young children, keratosis pilaris can occur at any age. It may improve, especially during the summer months, only to later worsen. Gradually, keratosis pilaris resolves on its own.

When to see a doctor
Keratosis pilaris isn't a serious medical condition, and treatment usually isn't necessary. However, if you're concerned about the appearance of your skin, consult your family doctor or a specialist in skin diseases (dermatologist). He or she can often make a diagnosis by examining your skin and the characteristic scaly plugs.

Keratosis pilaris results from the buildup of keratin — a hard protein that protects your skin from harmful substances and infection. The keratin forms a scaly plug that blocks the opening of the hair follicle. Usually many plugs form, causing patches of rough, bumpy skin.

Why keratin builds up is unknown. But it may occur in association with genetic diseases or with other skin conditions, such as ichthyosis vulgaris or atopic dermatitis. Keratosis pilaris also occurs in otherwise healthy people. Dry skin tends to worsen the condition.

I have this on my arms....they say its heraditary.....Ive had it all my life, and it looks purple when Im cold. I dont like, but Im used to it!!!