Miscarriage

I was trying to sleep all night last night and my back was killing me. Mark finally got home this morning and told me I should lay in the nursery. Our bed is soft and a memory foam and in the nursery is a futon which is a mattress, not the big ole pad type thing, and its firmer. So I did go in there and laid down and I fell asleep and slept wonderful.

I woke up and that room just reminds me of when I miscarried. I had slept in there every night that summer, 2 summers ago, and I was thinking about my baby. I had slept in that room, because Mark had to go to work the next day, and I liked staying up all night, so I just hung out in there till I went to sleep. But laying there this morning, I was thinking about miscarrying that summer. I remember feeling like I failed. I was thinking how I had to tell everyone and I remember everyone being so excited for me, and yet, I had to tell them, I lost my baby. I feel like I failed as a woman....why couldn't I hold my baby in my belly? I feel like I hurt my baby, but I didn't. I nurtured and kept my baby safe. Also, why 2 years later on the 29th, and I'm still not pregnant?

I turn all this up to God.....I'm at peace with it, but I do still wonder why?
Why did I get pregnant, if I wasn't supposed to have a baby then?
Why does my heart desire for a baby soooo bad?
What is God waiting on me to do or for what?

These are questions that go through my mind for the past 2 years. I know they are normal questions, but I really don't understand what he is waiting on. Like I have said though....I have been praying for this desire to go away, until He is ready for me to have a baby. I felt at peace, and still do, but I know he didn't take it all away. Maybe He wants me to learn to be patient? or to appreciate what He gives me when I finally do get it? Maybe hes teaching me how to grow into a understanding woman/mother?

I have to say, I have worked at that school for 6 years. I did not like the little kids, and they drove me crazy. Their whining and they are smart-elec, and I always told myself, my kids wont act that way. This year was different. I cared about their boo-boos and I loved giving them hugs this year. My heart changed, and I think everyone that I worked with, saw it. I think, maybe, God is preparing me for something amazing. Just this waiting game is kinda difficult. I have watched many women, who wanted babies, and who didn't, get pregnant over the past 2 years, and I see God working in some of their lives, and some of the women, know when they have it, they are giving it up. I always wonder about those.....if only God would of given me that child, I would keep and raise the baby to worship and praise HIM.

But that's not what happened. Instead, I pray and watch them. I'm okay.....God has blessed me with alot of wonderful things....with a wonderful husband....with a wonderful g-pa. I was thinking this for this summer....I am blessed to not have to work....I know God is going to take care of all my needs, because I am doing His will......Alot of people cant do that.

But I have faith in God. I trust in Him.....I know that he will love us, bless us, and take care of us. We pray in HIS TIME, we will have a baby!!!!!

I love you God...you are just awesome and I praise you in Your Name!!!