Blessings & Faith

So I was talking to my friend about blessings and health. I just wanted to share with you, how having cancer can change anyones life. Even though sometimes I forget I had cancer, because I have been so blessed to live a normal life, it really did change my thoughts and views of my future.

Having cancer at 19 and thinking or not knowing that you could die or have a hard road in front of you was sooo scary. 3 years before I watched my mom get stabbed with needles and lose her hair and lose so much weight and suffered for me and to think that I might be going through what she just did was so scary. The Dr.'s actually wanted me at first to go to Houston and take chemo treatments. But after it was all said and done, they decided that it was my choice, but they don't see a need or reason too, but just to keep an eye on me. I didn't have insurance and they were sure they got it all, so I didn't take that step.

After all that, I realized how short life was and how I wanted to get married to Mark and have a family with him. Sometimes as time is flying by and I'm watching all my friends have babies, I think, do I have my life of time for a baby? Why isn't my chance coming up? Ive had cancer and my time isn't like the healthy women out there.

Ive also had a friend who brought it to my attention, that maybe I shouldn't have a baby because of me dieing or have a higher chance of dieing young. Would it be fair for that child to lose a mother at a young age? Am I being selfish for bringing a child into this world? But then I think... God gave me another chance.....he opened up my eyes to see how short life is and to appreciate the little things. Money isn't important....a big TV isn't important....having a fancy house and car isn't important.....family, love, God, faith, friendship, eternity, happy memories is important. I also think....what if I didn't die young, and I never did have that baby? I don't want to regret my life and these years. But in the end, its God who has control over my life. I don't think he would of put this strong desire in my heart if it wasn't meant to be.

I am waiting on him and his time. As much as I would LOVE to be pregnant right now, I give it all up to him. Its hard sometimes to give something you want so bad to someone else, but I know God is in control and I always pray to never lose another baby. That was so hard, and if I have to wait on a healthy baby....I shall wait!!! He has something special in store for us and if I'm here a year later writing on hoping I'm pregnant....I guess....so shall it be!!! I hope that's not the case tho, lol....I hope I'm sitting here writing how blessed and special a baby is and how I'm so in love with their smiles and coos and watching them sleep.

Faith is something that you have to work on. Faith is giving everything you believe and handing it over to our Lord. You need to have faith that everything will work out fine, even though right now doesn't seem like it.

I told my friend tonight.....SOMETIMES BLESSINGS ARE IN DISGUISE.... sometimes we might not understand a blessing when its happening, until later when you can see the whole picture. You need to wait and realize that God already has the whole picture painted.....he knows what the final picture will look like. Right now....we are feeling it in. God knows whats best for us, and he wont give us more than what we can handle. Sometimes life just sucks, but when we give it all up to him, he can turn it around in a second. You just need to trust and have faith!!!