committed. But I have turned from them and don't want to do them anymore. I don't see Mark and I ever getting back together. I haven't in a long time. I had hope there for awhile, I thought I could see Marks heart being open to God and wanting to do whats right. But I just don't see it. I see Mark running from everything and thinking its going to be better. It might be better, but you cant run from God and you cant run from your actions. But I wont have to worry about it soon. I can feel the divorce is coming soon. I can feel me and see me signing the papers and waiting. I can see me going to court and having him tell us, its over. Right now, I can accept it. I know my emotions will all get stirred up realizing this is the end of 11 years and the vows we took really don't mean anything anymore. He is ending our marriage. He is giving up and throwing in the towel. He doesn't want to work on our marriage or get help for himself. He is simply walking away from a vow that he has committed to God. Makes me ever wonder if he can ever keep something.I'm the type of person that doesn't like to volunteer myself alot because I will be devoted to being there and to giving my all. So I need to be dedicated and happy to do it, or I wont be able to give my all. I knew the vow that I was saying that day. I knew it was going to be a life long thing and that I couldn't turn back. I knew it was going to be hard and we were going to have trials, but I thought what God had joined together that no man would separate. But I was wrong. Man did separate us. For her to not have that guilt alone, would be scary. But he wants and chooses to be with someone like that. A non-believer. I know if she was a believer she wouldn't want to be in that relationship. But he wants to be with her and live this sinful life and I have no clue what he is convincing himself, but EVERYONE can see it. He can fill himself up with all these lies or justifications, but everyone can see the lifestyle he has chosen to live. Just like they saw me when I was living the way I was.
I know this post might sound negative and honestly it wasn't meant to sound like this. I was actually going to write about my love for Mark and how great of a guy he is and how big his heart is. But all this started to come to my mind as I typed. I'm not mad or bitter, but like I said, I'm just disappointed. I'm not perfect, I have made mistakes and I do everyday. Its hard to watch someone who has so much potential spiral down hill and live of the world. I can see Mark looking and seeking for worldly happiness. To get out of this town, to get a house or an apartment down in San Antonio, to get a good job, to be around his family, to "start over". Why cant he see that, all that still wont make him happy. He will always be searching if this is how he chooses to live.
I was talking to my friend the other day and she told me, yes, I'm selfish with material things, but I always put other people in front of me. I always worry and stress over people and I always want to try and fix them and to show them the right way. She told me, I need to stop focusing on them and focus on helping myself and do whats best for Rachel. I agree. I have been so good with my relationship with Christ and me walking diligently with Him. I was content and happy and I felt strong with where I was going. I still do. I just have had this bump in my life that is making my old self come back out. I go to God everyday for me to be strong and to do whats right. Its a daily battle and I hope to end up doing whats right and whats best for me. Please pray for me or say a prayer now that God will stir me in the right path. Thank you!
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