Its so crazy. On my computer my screen saver shows all the pictures on my computer, no matter what it is. It will go through each and every file. When walking by Ill see what its showing and sometimes its random stuff and then sometimes its ones where I just stare and look at it. Ive come to realize that yes, I was there when all these things and events happened, but I cant remember who I was and what I was thinking. I even think, why in the world did I dress like that or look like that, lol. I know we all grow and we all change with life and life circumstances, but some of these were just a few years ago. My friend always makes fun of me because I want to know answers to everything and I guess we all cant know, but who was I? I don't know if I have shut out that part of my life, but its hard to remember who I was with Mark and what life I used to live. I sometimes even have to think really really hard on something that Mark and I would do. I sometimes get mad that I cant remember what I felt when I was with him or how things were, when we were together. I don't know if I subconsciously shut out those feelings, or if God has helped me forget.
But I'm not who I was and I know I have said that before. Sometimes I wonder if I'm better or not. I'm better because I know my flaws that I had before and I have been trying to fix them. I'm better cause I'm closer to God and have put him first in my life. I'm better because I'm more independent and have been trying to not lean on anyone other than God. I feel like it can be bad because I have tasted sin and lived that way and how easily it is to fall back into it. I wasn't happy living that way, but it can become so easy, especially when you make it a lifestyle. I feel like I was an addict or something, and I can see why its a daily struggle for them to not go back. I know with everything that I have gone through, I can use it to be a testimony.
1st pic: Someone should of told me I needed a new bra that lifted me.
2nd pic: Honeymoon....Why is it that I can remember how I felt that day?
3rd pic: A Valentines Day book, I made for him. I'm just confused on it.
4th pic: I wonder if we really were supposed to of married.
5th pic: I knew I loved him, but alot of times we didn't feel connected.
I don't get it. Mark and I would always question when we kissed if we felt anything. I'm starting to maybe think, we went supposed to marry but we did because we devoted so much time in each other. I know he loved me and I know he knows I loved him. But was it enough? Obviously it wasn't. But I'm now starting to see and realize, I wasn't getting what I needed and wanted either. I just fell into this everyday comfort bubble that I was used too.
I just feel so numb right now to my past. The only thing I think about to really make sure and remind myself that I loved him was when he left and how distraught I was. I was willing to do anything to keep our marriage together. I did love him with everything, for he was my everything. But not anymore. No one is my everything, other than God. Maybe its because I don't know him anymore and he don't know me either. We are two completely different people and its okay. It still dosent make divorce okay and its not justifying it. I will still stand strong and say divorce is wrong. People can change for the worse, as easy and much as they can change for the better. I believe that God can unite me and Mark if that His will. I also read in scripture verse today, that one of the men in the bible were asking Jesus about divorce. Mark 10:2-12
2And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.
3And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?
4And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.
5And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.
6But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
8And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
9What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
10And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.
11And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
12And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.
For the hardness of your heart. Marks heart is hard to ever looking this way. He has fallen into sin so deep, he has hardened his heart to his doings. God knows my heart and my heart had gotten hard and sometimes I wonder if it is still. But I know that I cant change Mark. I cant make someone be with me and love me. I feel like I have put all the effort I can to try without making him mad. But it is what it is. I feel like I can go on in life and not have it hang over my head. Im sure Ill question what if I did this, or what if I did that? But I know Im not perfect, and I know that with God all things are possible, if its his will!! Yes, Jesus can heal this sick, but he also dont have too. Yes, he can fix my marriage, but he also might not want too. There might be a testimony that I or Mark can use during this, or maybe years down the road we will get back together. I can sit here and try to figure out the reasoning behind all this and try to figure out Gods plan, but I cant and I wont. Im going to take what God hands me and go down the path of blessings that he has set for me.
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