Mixed emotions

I just have all these mixed emotions. Im sad one moment and then okay the next. Sometimes I accepted that this pregnancy wont go on, and then other times I want it more than anything. I have told you all that my heart was bursting for a baby, my desire was so strong. I havent had that desire anymore and it scares me. I think sometimes, if I even want a baby. I thought at first it was because I was so scared that here it is...something that I have been waiting for, for so long and now Im going to get to have it and I was just nervous. But then sometimes, I cant even picture myself with a baby anymore. I dont know if its because God has put this hold in my life, because he knows that maybe this baby wont make it and he is preparing me for it, or what. I dont like this feeling.....the feeling alone scares me.

I keep reading on ectopic pregnancies, which I shouldnt, but I think I need to be prepared. I dont fit in any of the women who get them, which confuses me. Then it says some women, depending on their pregnancy and how bad it was, have a hard time to get pregnant again. WHAT??? I dont need that. It was hard enough with everything fine. Im so lost and torn and Im finding myself in a very depressed mood. Im scared of an ectopic, because I know it can kill me if I dont get help fast enough. I dont want to have surgery for it, and I dont want it to rupture anything. Hopefully Tuesday I can get some answers and I will demand for them to keep an eye on me. I dont want them to tell me, to just go to the ER if I have pain, and good luck type attitude. I want them to keep an eye on me, which they should. I had read about ectopics before, and told myself, "oh, I hope I never have to never go thru that", because you have to take something to abort your baby. I dont believe in abortion, but the baby or the mom cant live. If I have to come to that, that will be so hard.

I just dont understand why Im going through this. We prayed and prayed for a healthy baby in HIS time, and to get pregnant in HIS time, and I always prayed to never lose another baby. So why is this situation pointing towards the bad?? I know God has his reasons and I want his Will to be done, but I really hope and pray its for nothing bad to happen. I would love to walk in the Dr's appointment on Tuesday and there be a healthy and happy baby where they are supposed to be. I would love to hear my hcg levels are where they are supposed to be. As much faith as I want to have, its not there. Like I said before, its like the Lord has prepared me for the worst.

I still continue to bleed, with no clots or anything, which I know can be normal, but its also a sign of ectopic. Its not bad, mostly more when I pee.

Is it bad to think if this is going to end, then I would like for it to just go ahead and happen? I dont like the not knowing. And, if its everything that they think it is, an ectopic, why am I even going through this?? Why even get pregnant? I know these are questions no one but God can answer, but I need to seek him for answers. Im really torn and confused. I try to do his will, to listen what he wants me to do. I always try and do the right thing. I want his will to be done. Im just scared.... :(