Thinking

I have been thinking alot lately and that normally gets you in trouble right? lol

God has put this peace in me....I don't wish harm on Mark and her. I don't want bad things to happen to them. I don't wish happiness for them though. HE is MY husband and I want him with ME and I learned today, there is NOTHING wrong with that. :)

Yesterday, I met with some women who are strong, beautiful, broken, and we all have a story. We all feel the same thing, but all in different ways. I was the youngest. I was the one with the most hope. I was at peace. But yet, I haven't gone through anything yet. Like I said, all of our stories are the same, but all different. Some of us, has gone through more than the others, and some WILL go through more than others. Either way....God has put us together, for each other. We are SWIGS!!!!! We were trying to come up with a name last night and trust me when I say, I'm not this smart.....God must have put it in my heart, because I came up with SWIG (strong women in God). We are strong.....we will fight.....if its for our husbands, our marriage, ourselves, our children, our home, our dignity, our love......we are strong!!!! We have God by our sides.....

Another thing is.....I'm loving who I'm becoming!!!

I'm learning who Rachel is, what Rachel is capable of doing by herself, making her own choices, meeting new people and feeling comfortable and not scared. I'm growing....I'm witnessing....I'm living my life story....

I'm watching everyone around me live their life as if mine was on hold. I do feel like my life is on hold, but yet moving really fast. I guess whats on hold is my dreams. I was living to try and make them come true with a baby, but obviously that's not in the picture anytime soon and you know what? Its okay!!! My plans wasn't Gods plans. I have accepted that. I cant control anything and how things unfolded, but I make the best out of them and learn.

I still long for my husband and a family one day. But right now my dream is for Mark to turn to God and have the desire back in his heart to be with me and to fight for our marriage. Its not going to be easy,its going to be hard. I know we will face many challenges, but if we both have God on our side we will always win!!! I know there will be a trust issue, but I also know it can be restored. Alot of people, tell me, you will never be able to trust him again, he will always be a cheater, and your marriage is going to be hard. I want to share this one little detail........:smiles:

OUR GOD IS.........EVERYTHING (all wonderful words to describe Him). Our God created earth, created humankind, created love, created everything!!! He can DO anything!!!! When we cant think of an exit out of a situation or how we are going to meet our needs or how someone got healed from a life threatening illness or how someone was there at the right place and the right time......that's God. There isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that God will or even has been putting that desire and fire back in Marks heart. THOUGH, Mark has to allow and open himself up to God. You have to think.....if we went around all day, saying people cant change or they will always be this certain way.....where is the hope, the faith???? Ive changed....I believe I have changed for the better. But some saved, God following people can stray......Read this:

A born again
believer knows our sins are forgiven with our
past wiped clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.
We all know we are not perfect in the flesh and
must avoid Satan's attempt to snare us. Nothing
can harden your heart more quickly than
excusing things in your life that are wrong. Sin
will always be our enemy as we live our daily
lives, face our temptations, and walk in the
kingdom of Satan. God's word warns of many
things that are wrong which will harden our
heart against the right. Things that are all
bundled into worldliness, things the Bible
clearly tells us to avoid. "But if ye will not do
so, behold. ye have sinned against the Lord:
and be sure your sin will find you out." Num,
32:23. You cannot excuse sin in your life
without hardening the heart in your bosom, (2).
Lukewarm Mechanical Living: "For their
heart was not right with him, neither were they
steadfast in his covenant." Psa. 78:37. One of
the worst things you can do is to take your
relationship to God for granted. Many foolishly
say, "Now I am saved, that was easy." There
are many miles to travel in life after accepting
Christ at the cross. Being a son of God leads to
a life of vital responsibility to serve God
excitedly, and not ever become lukewarm in
in our daily living.

But God never leaves us, he is there. Mark knows this, I know it! Satan has blind folded him and has deceived him to think this other life is better and you know, Mark might be having a fun time. We all know this wont last. That blindfold will come off or fall and the truth will be shown.

I know and realize, Mark may never come back. When I write in my blog, I'm not waiting on Mark. I mean, I am waiting, but I'm waiting on God to tell me or show me, or put in my heart what his next plan is and right now, Gods plan is to wait..... :)

These pictures are ones I'm sure I have never shared before....the happy, fun times in our life. Some of them are rough of me, probably why I never shared them, lol, but Marks face makes me smile.

1st picture: I came across this one, looking on our wedding day and I started crying. We didn't need to share words. We just knew we made a vow before God to share ourselves with each other and we are now celebrating the joining of us in matrimony. We were each others, forever, in this moment.

2nd picture: My birthday this past year. It was before this all started, like days before it started, but nonetheless, I thought we were happy. He went and got a pedi with me, cause he loved me :)

3rd picture: I see love in Marks eyes....that's what I saw everyday!

4th picture: Us being us in bed as husband and wife :)

5th picture: I know its blurry, but this was my birthday a couple years ago in Dallas.

6th picture: Marks Loving Eyes!!! I see the Love....at the end, the loving eyes got blank. His sinning covered the eyes that I always knew....but let me tell you this....I told him to look at me in my eyes when he was leaving and tell me he didn't love me anymore. He looked me in my eyes and smiled and walked away. I saw it!!! Maybe for a glimpse, but I saw it. No one will ever tell me otherwise.

My husband, the man that I married, is deep down in there somewhere. I hope one day he will come out and help renew our marriage. Until then......I'm praying...............................