A new Me but yet..... still changing

I need to write down what I'm learning and how I'm transforming into this Godly woman. I want to be able to look back and see how I had to go thru each step of this hard time to make me the woman I want to be.

I realized my bubble has officially busted. I will no longer be or live in a bubble. My world has shattered and yet.....I'm still alive!!! I catch myself smiling and sometimes I catch myself frowning, sad. I catch myself thinking of my husband and wondering if he is thinking of me. I miss him. I stood before God and everyone and took a vow, for better or for worse, till death do us part and though I don't talk or see him, I'm still fighting. I'm fighting for us, for the commitment that we took before God. The bible says that I have a right to divorce my husband, that I can walk away from what hes done and none of that burden will be on me. But God has put it in my heart to pray for him and that maybe Mark will one day open his heart to Christ and see what hes doing is wrong and to fight for me, for our marriage. One day, God will close that door and it will be time to move on. I know if Mark and I never get back together, God has this amazing Christian man waiting for me.

I want to share with you things that I have learned about myself the past few months. I am not, and will not be the person I was before. I look back now and I can honestly see why Mark would of left me. I don't know why, sitting here today, I was that person. I had everything that I needed, I had an amazing husband, and a loving grandpa. But yet, I still wanted and needed more. I was never satisfied, I was never just.....happy. Why was I this selfish, self centered person?

My life has crumbled into pieces and now I don't know how to put the pieces back together, or do I??? Christ!!!!!! Christ is slowly building me a new life. Those pieces are being blown away in the wind slowly, while this new life is forming. I'm standing in the middle, as one life is fading and another is forming. I don't know what the new one will hold, but I'm eager to jump in and see. But I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let go of once was. I'm not ready to let go of the safeness that was once my bubble. I'm not ready to let go, of the hopes and dreams and stability that I had. I'm not ready to let go of being with only one man. I'm not ready!!!! God knows I'm not ready. He is carrying me, holding my hand, walking with me, through of all this.

I'm not happy, I'm actually ashamed of some of the choices that I have made during all this. Choices that I thought I could never do or wasn't me. But today at church, I wrote down my burden, and I laid at the foot of the cross at the front of my church. Jesus has paid the price for my sin, all my sins, and I cant dwell on what I have done, but learn and move on and not do it again.

Things I have learned about me so far as of today:

Old me:
Selfish
self centered
needy
never satisfied
controlling
abusive
wanting
nit pick
leaned on Mark
greedy


New Me:
not controlling at all (actually therapist said I went from being very controlling to not caring at all, we are working with me getting in the middle)
wouldn't hurt a fly
sad
confused
broken
rejected
ugly
not worthy
ashamed
stronger
curious
loving to others


Obviously some of the things above arnt all positive. But I'm not going to sit here and lie about how I feel now. I do feel these things. Its sad, that the one person that I want to want me, doesn't. But I can see why he wouldn't. I was a horrible person. I did things that no one deserved. I can honestly sit here and say, I DONT KNOW WHY I DID THOSE THINGS. But I can honestly sit here and say, I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON AGAIN!. I want to be the woman God wants me to be. I want to the best, so I can show others Christ.

I don't know if Mark and I will ever be together again. He might not ever want to be with me. I know that if we did, it would take alot of work. I'm willing to try and make it work. I am, because I love him. I love him that much. But marriage does take 2 people and I cant do it on my own. But like I said....one day, God will close the door in my heart and it will be time to move on. There will be my life, with its pieces all together and it will be time for me to jump in and enjoy it, with Christ as the center!!!! :)

One more thing I want to add is....A few weeks after Mark left....I was sitting at home and God spoke to me....He told me, Rachel, YOU DONT NEED MARK, YOU NEED ME!!!! I then realized how all that time, from 16 and up, how I depended on Mark so much. He was my life, when really God should of been my life. I was so scared to lose Mark in each and every way, that Im sure that alone was hard on Mark. But this weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I only need God and I cant control anyone but myself. I never want to depend and lean so much on one person ever again. God will ALWAYS be there, man wont. Even though I never thought in a million years Mark would or could do this to me.....he did!!! I cant control that, I cant control him not wanting me, I cant control him leaving and not looking back. I have no control, but Joy Rachel. I am going to try and live the life Christ wants me to live. I want God to be able to pour his blessings on me and be proud. :)