Feeling bummed

I dont know....I just dont feel pregnant. Its getting discouraging. I always get like this....I feel excited about getting pregnant, and then I feel like its never going to happen and then I feel like I dont care anymore. Ive thought about going to the Dr and asking him for some advice, but then Im like...Rachel...you need to at least get the Pre-Seed and try that for a month or two and then you can go. Ive read reviews on it, and alot of women got lucky off of it.

But then I start thinking about losing another baby. I really dont know what I would do, if I lost another baby after a year an a half of trying. But I do want to tell you a short story.

This summer, I was praying to God about if I should go back to my job or not. I was tired of it and ready to move on and hoping for a better future and with more money and experience, since this was really the only job I have ever had. Plus some other issues and problems that I just didnt want to deal with. Well, it was all summer that I kept praying and was asking God to lead me and my heart to another job and somewhere where he wanted me to be. But I just had no desire to look for a job, but I just knew I didnt want to go back. I was really bitter in my heart over the whole issue and was praying about it and hoping that God would take it away. Well one day, we went to Chilis to get some food. Mark got out to get it and I was in the car waiting, and then I just said, Lord...."What do you want me to do?" He said, plain as day..."I want you go to back to the school." I was like....(crap) lol, but I go "Why?" He told me, "Because your going to get pregnant." So I smiled and was thinking over the whole thing. I was thinking, man, I really didnt want to go back, but I really want a baby. But I was like OKAY. I know God was going to have a reason and take care of me when I went back. Heres the thing......
Going back all my problems went away that I was dealing with at this job
1. I got more money
2. Everything was lifted off of my shoulders
3. Things that stressed me out, was released
4. Im more happy this year than ever before
5. The school has grown so much more
6. We have more staff to help do more
7. We pray and praise God all day

I mean, this year has been really awesome. Of course there are ups and downs, but not as many downs as I have experienced. God knew what was going to happen and he knew my bitterness and fixed it for me. When I didnt see the end of the road, he paved it for me.

Now to the second part of the story.
I think it was September and I was driving to work that morning. I had taken some pregnancy tests the night before and felt bummed. I said outloud..."Lord, Im never going to get pregnant!" He then said to me..."Did I not say that you were going to get pregnant?" (and you have to think....I totally forgot about the first part of the story happening and at that moment it was like God put a video in my head and reminded me of that day) and I told him..."Yes"...and then He said..."Well, why dont you have faith that I will?" and I just wanted to cry. Here I was...doubting Him, not having faith....and it seems like now Im going through that. I have to tell myself all the time and remind myself what God told me those two days.

But at the same time....The everytime I remind myself about that day and what God told me, I guess the devil tells me..."He didnt say you were going to have a baby, just that your going to get pregnant". I know that has to be the devil, to make me think negative and to doubt the Lord. I know this desire in my heart is from the Lord, and Im sure I say that all the time. I just never wanted something so bad before, that I couldnt have when I wanted it, or meant so much to me that makes me cry.
I know our time is coming soon, and I would just love for you to keep us in your prayers!!! We really would love to have a family.