My babies!!!

Ive been thinking alot of my babies in heaven lately.  Ive just had a lot of people ask me recently about my life and if I had or wanted kids.  I never deny that I don't have children.  I tell people, I have 3 in heaven.  I know it makes them speechless and kinda uncomfortable, but in a way, I don't care.  If I said I didn't have 3 babies, then I wouldn't be counting my children in heaven.  I don't have children here on this earth, but I do have 3 children.  Ive been trying to up keep Mark Jr's little burial area where we laid him to rest.  Since he was only 13 weeks, we buried him in our yard.  I know it might sound weird to some people, but when I took my baby to the Dr's office that day and they asked me if I wanted to hand him over to have test ran on him to see if they "might" could find a reason why I miscarried, I couldn't do it.  That was my baby!!!  I wanted my baby with me.  So Mark and I went to Hobby Lobby, found this small wooden box, put him in it and we wrote a letter to him from both of us and placed it in there with him.  We also put some cute little socks that we had gotten him in there.  We made this stepping stone (head stone) for him with his name and the date when he was conceived and went to heaven.  His day is coming up.....4 years, since he went to heaven.  Its crazy to think, of having 3 1/2 year old twin boys around me and a year old baby girl.

I love them so much, but I'm happy, they didn't have to be raised in a broken family.  I want the best for my children, and I know God was looking out for me and for them.  God knew what was going to happen and I am thankful that I have them in my heart and that I will see them in heaven one day.

I honestly, couldn't imagine having my babies here during the past year.  My emotions and mourning of the loss of my marriage would of been totally different.  I would of had to of seen him and share my children with someone who left them.  Yes, Mark left me, but he would of been leaving his children too.  The sad part is, men do it all the time.  Because of selfish reasons of a man or a woman, they choose to leave their spouse and their kids have to pay for it.  Alot of people these days, run away from their problems.  They have their tail stuck in between their legs and they run away.

Just like in church today, we learned about Jonah and the ripple effect of peoples sins.  When we sin, we don't just hurt ourselves, but we hurt everyone else.  Jonah was on that boat, running away from God.  When the storm came, they all were in danger, then Jonah told them to throw him overboard.  When Mark left me, he not only hurt me, but even my family and our close friends felt hurt and abandoned.  I don't know how his family felt, but just like with all sin, there are consequences and punishment.  God is a loving Father who punishes his kids, because he loves us.  We all arnt perfect and we sin everyday, but I really feel like God punishes us for the pre-determined sins.  The sins we know we are doing or we are about to do.  I get, sometimes, we get mad and cuss or have a thought out of left field come in our mind.  But even I am guilty of pre-determined sin.  So many times, I knew I was sinning, or about to sin, or going to sin and I felt guilty.  The guilty is the holy spirit that lives within you, if you are a believer.  If you don't feel the guilt, then I would really check your salvation.  Another thing is, that even its in the bible, is your heart will get hardened.  You can live in sin and turn your back on God, that your heart will get so hardened, that you cant even hear God, or it wont even be clear.  To be honest with you, when I was living in sin, I was wanting and waiting on my heart to get hardened.  I knew what I was doing was wrong and I wanted the guilt to go away.  But honestly.....deep down, I wouldn't say it, but my heart cried and longed for Jesus.  The Holy Spirit heard my cries and my heart really didn't want this, at least this way, and God is so gracious, he delivered me out of sin.  He didn't let me get swallowed up by a fish, but I guess you could call my appendix needing out within 24 hours after I was delivered, was my fish.  I had time with me and God in a hospital.  I really didn't want people to come up there alot, I just wanted my time with God.

So off track.....Mothers Day is coming up.  I consider me a mother and I celebrate it.  I thought last year was going to be hard, but actually I had a lot of people wish me Happy Mothers Day!  I felt loved.  I think I'm going to buy me a necklace for my babies.  :)  Ive been wanting too for awhile, and now I think I'm going too!!!

This is the necklace I got.  I think of the big heart is Mark Jr........the little precious feet is Adam William and the wings with the heart is Baby Love and of course the Remember is for them!!    Now this blue and pink butterfly is a rear view mirror dangle for my car.  I loved it!!!! :)