Not The End Of Me

{ I'm no longer this}

My friend told me when she heard this song, she thought of me.  I came home and looked it up and read the words and fell in love with the song.  I know I have talked about what I have went through a million times on here.  It was the most devastating time of my life.  My whole world was shattered, or I thought it was.  I honestly think to myself everyday, "Rachel, God has amazing plans for you". 

When Mark left, I didn't know how I was going to go on.  I didn't see a future, any kids, a husband, NOTHING.  I literally saw my life was over and I wanted to end it.  Everything that I knew, was gone and I was hurt and devastated at the person who I took a vow too, would do that to me.  It still hurts of course, I know it always will, but the wonderful thing is........is GOD!!!!  God has placed on my heart that he still has a future for me.  A wonderful, fulfilling future with great and wonderful things and if I stay close to Him, and follow him and do His will, then he will bless me abundantly and give me the desires of my heart.  How amazing is that? 

I have been asked out a few times lately and I'm just not interested.  I'm not trying to sound cocky or anything, but they arnt what I'm looking for.  God hasn't put that peace or desire in my heart, so there is no need to waste anyones time.  I am happy and content with where I am at in life and I strive to work hard at my job and to catch up on everything that is in my life all the time.  I go out and have fun and spend time with friends and still live a life and try new things.  I know one day when God knows I'm ready, he will place that special person in my life and its just an amazing feeling to know that and for me not to have to go and search. 

Our marriage isn't the end of me.  Its not going to stop me from living my life and moving on to something great.  I wish nothing but the best for him and I do hope he has a happy life, but I cant worry and I don't worry about his life anymore.  The only person I can answer for is myself. 

There is a part of me, waiting to love again, when the time is right.  God is still working in me, molding me and strengthening me.  I know I'm not spiritually ready for a relationship right now.  I still want to build my relationship with Christ and focus on him and what he has planned for me until the day that he places the man in my life. 

I have to say though, that I am proud of myself.  I'm proud of how far I have gone, in honestly what seems like a short period of time.  Just thinking back on last year and seeing where I was at and where I am now is a tremendous transformation.  Honestly, from where I was at 3 months ago, till now, is a huge difference.  I prayed hard to move on and to follow God and to do his will and he has been answering my prayer daily.  I feel my strength and confidence with Him grow more and more each day.

I'm still human, I still have emotions, I still get angry, sad, hurt, and lonely, but the wonderful thing is, is I feel God wrap his big ole arms around me to comfort me and those emotions are less and less and not as frequent.  Instead I focus on the future and the man God has for me.  I love to visualize what he may look like and to be honest......:clears throat:.....(hehe)......like.....ummm........I totally.......have like......started......to look................................at...................................wedding stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)   It excites me!!!!!!!!! :)     I love weddings and I know one day I will be planning another one!!!!!

I'm dreaming again.......I'm looking forward to the future and living life each and every day!!!!!! I smile more and I'm content and happy!!!!!!  Its taken me awhile to get here, but I hope it stays and motivates me to be a better person, the best person I can be!!!!




Every night I find it hard to sleep. My tears keep running. I am suffocating while they drowning me. I didn’t see this coming. I tried to catch my breath. My heart's a shattered mess. I am tired of feeling like I've got nothing left. The end of us is not the end of me. Every second gets easier to breathe. Push the fear away, face another day. Every moment I'm starting to believe, I'm not broken, I'll keep hoping. There’s a part of me waiting to love again. The end of us is not the end of me. Is not the end of me. It took everything for me to see, that my life’s not ending. You tried to break me but I am not that weak, no. I am so sick of pretending. I tried to catch my breath. My heart's a shattered mess. I am tired of feeling like I've got nothing left. The end of us is not the end of me. Every second gets easier to breathe. Push the fear away, face another day. Every moment I'm starting to believe, I'm not broken, I'll keep hoping. There’s a part of me waiting to love again. The end of us is not the end of me. Is not the end of me. I chose to love, more like love chose me. Or so I thought cause you had to leave. Now I'm sitting here feeling so defeated. It's like you punched my heart, call that a heart beating. And I made excuses but the truth is that my mind was feeling heavy. And it really hurts me to admit this, but girl we just weren’t ready. Confetti, hearts torn apart nothin to believe in. I guess our love was Autumn, it lasted for a season. The end of us is not the end of me. Every second gets easier to breathe. Push the fear away, face another day. Every moment I'm starting to believe, I'm not broken, I'll keep hoping. There’s a part of me waiting to love again. The end of us is not the end of me. It's not the end of me. It's not the end of me.