Past and future

My life is good right now.  Ive had a few struggles for the past month about my.......past!!!   I sometimes feel it keeps me in a place where I don't belong.  I'm really wanting to move forward and be happy.  I'm happy now with whats going on in my life.  I'm working extra hard and loving my job.  I was picking my photography up, but honestly, I don't really get many days off anymore and don't have any time to work it.  When I'm not working, I'm cleaning or doing other house hold stuff, bills, grocery's or cooking for my grandpa and getting what he needs.  I feel so blessed.  God has been providing each and every angle in my life.  He is always blessing me.  I really want to do His will and have His plan for my life.  I know I must say that alot, but its really true.  He has filled my heart with this peace, that if I just wait I will see his plan unfold and will be poured with blessings and be peacefully satisfied.

I think loving my job is a blessing in itself.  I honestly love my employees and have been growing close to them.  They are starting to be like family to me as they take care of me and let me vent to them.  I went out with a co-worker tonight and we had a blast.  We laughed alot and she taught me alot about the food industry and how waitresses and waiters do things.  I never knew anyone who has worked  in that job field and never knew how things really worked, so her telling me really opened my eyes to that.

Also another thing I want to say is, the devil has really been bugging me about my past.  I know he wants me to live in the past and not move forward, but really, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I say, I am happy with my life and where I am at, SOMETHING OR SOMEONE FROM MY PAST COMES UP THE VERY NEXT DAY. Then I dwell on it and then the next week I say the same thing and something else will come up.  Finally when I accepted my past with this certain someone, the NEXT NIGHT, I have a dream about the other person!!!! I'm like GOOD GRIEF!!!!!

I'm releasing it all!!! To be honest with y'all, I don't look up no one, I avoid certain places and things to not see certain people and STILL, someone will say something or tell me something and I get so mad.  Why would I want to know???  I am not with these people, so why do I wanna know?  Maybe in the past I wanted to know, but now I don't care.  I really choose to not know and don't want to know.  I don't look up anyone, I don't stalk anyone, I don't go by any places.....NOTHING!!!!! I'm happy with my life and they have moved on and well.......good for them!!! :)   This is what happens in life.....

I know if someone would of told me a couple of years ago, that I would be single, divorced and at peace, I honestly, would of looked at them crazy and maybe would of had an anxiety attack with what was to come.  I don't know how people do this without God.  I might of been really crazy and done alot of things I would of later regretted or just been heartless, but God really had put peace in my heart during the time, I SHOULD of been a little pyscotic.  I was thinking in my car early today about how did I not lose control when I found out about what Mark was doing?  It was all God!!! I give him all the credit!!!  I'm glad I didnt lower myself in doing something that I would of regretted.

I feel strong.  I feel ready to conquer the world.  I STILL am waiting on God to show me and tell me when to start my book.  I think sometimes alot of people think I'm just talking out of my butt, but for some reason my time isn't here yet.  I still think about it daily and what is going in it and all that, but I haven't felt led to start.


I want to share this....I really wasn't going to share it, JUST IN CASE ITS TOTALLY WRONG, but I also don't want anyone to try and take my crap, cause its written here and now, that I had it first :)!!!! So the other day I was sitting in my room watching TV.  I was watching the Jonas E! story on how Kevin and Dani got married (I'm not a big Jonas fan, but love their show).  So, they showed their wedding and they got married in December.  I was thinking, December is such a beautiful time of the year, but its so packed with my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas, that it must take away from an anniversary.  When Mark and I got married, we went thru each and every month and we didn't want it around any holiday or birthday or event and also not in the summer.  So ALL OF A SUDDEN, I get this voice......12-13-14, and then I had this peace in my heart telling me that's when I was going to get married, that it was my wedding date.  I sit there kinda thinking in my head....."huh?" "what day is this even on?"  So I grab my phone and I look in my calendar and WHAT DO YOU KNOW.......Its on a Saturday!!!!  So then I start thinking....DANG that's 2 years away, I'm going to be 29 years old.  But then it all started to fall into place in my mind......I would just turn 29 and you never know I could get pregnant on our honeymoon and have a baby before 30.  I always tell God and everyone else, I want a baby and be married before 30.  God just might like to joke with me and put it right up to the day before 30, lol.  Like I said though, I could be totally wrong and this could never happen, but the more I think about it, the more peace I have with it.  That means from now till then, I feel like God will reveal to me and I fall in love with the man I'm supposed to be with.  It kinda excites me.  I mean, I always tell God to please just fill me up with peace and assurance of my life.  I feel like I have a goal and I can just surrender it all and have no worry about my future, because God will take care of me, hand me, and give me the things when He knows I'm ready.' 

But if you really think about it.....why would this date come into my head?  I never was thinking about it, I never even thought about it....was just thinking of their December wedding....never thought I would want to have one in that month or anything....I think alot of these thoughts are from the Holy Spirit, which is God of course!  Have you ever been sitting somewhere thinking of something that was innocent and then you get this bad, evil thought in your head out of the blue and wonder where it came from??? I feel like the devil whispering in your ear.  This is my thoughts on this.  But the whole date thing was from my heart.  I guess we shall see in the next couple years what may come.  I might meet my husband on that day or something......I dont know, I'm eager to see though!!!

Ive always had this six sense kind of feelings.  Even the day I got divorced Mark said something to me.....I had looked at my tire for a few days, cause it looked low.  I even kept thinking of something bad happening to me while driving or being stranded.  I even asked my grandpa his opinion AND even asked my friend to show me how to air it up.  Well the day I got divorced I pull out of the driveway at the court house and could feel it flat.  I told Mark and he told me, "well you should of had it looked at, you know how your feelings are always right."  Mark was around me alot when I had these feelings come true.  Rebecca, my friend, also has been a witness to these things.  I don't know why I have these feelings and senses so easily.  I think its because I feel close to my spiritual side and my guardian angel.  Growing up as an only child, I didn't like listening to adults tell me what to do.  Instead I feel like only God knows whats best for me.  I know God gives us adults and as respect we need to listen and honor them, but I still struggle with it.  I have also had feelings where I was completely wrong and nothing bad happened.  The worse feeling in the world is having a bad feeling that something bad is going to happen.  I have cried and prayed so hard before when it wouldn't go away.  I think in one blog I'm just going to share alot of my stories, it might fascinate some people.    :)

So with this blog, I have shared a part of my past and my future.  Maybe just maybe.....one day.....soon.....I will live in the present and be living in it!!!!!  Actually......I have been!!!!! I have been living up life as much as I can and have been loving it!!!! :)   I just got done dancing in my room before blogging!!!!  :) 



I'M HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*I love these graphics.....they really have helped me and its just the simple reminders that mean so much to me*